18.
Relationships
“If you want to improve your life, improve your relationships.”
* * *
While self-confidence is inherently a solo journey, it would be unwise to neglect the role of your relationships with those around you in developing true confidence.
Especially since we have already spent some time defining the connection between happiness and confidence, and relationships play a key role in our happiness levels.
A study from Harvard, which tracked 724 participants from varying walks of life over the course of 75 years, delivered significant findings on the “key” to long-term happiness and fulfillment.
The answer? Our relationships.
In a direct statement, Robert Waldinger, the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development summarized: “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
Said another way: The quality of our life — emotionally, physically, and mentally — is directly proportional to the quality of our relationships.
There’s a reason why our relationships serve as primary sources of motivation in our lives. Relationships nourish and sustain us in our very core. They feed our souls and our deeper needs as human beings. From the very beginning, our relationships have a significant impact on who we become, and the relationships we prioritize continue to nurture and shape us over the course of our lives.
And yet, when we become busy, or stressed, or distracted, relationships are often one of the first things to suffer. (Remember in Chapter 10 when we talked about Mindfulness and the curse of high-performers?)
It’s all too easy to become caught up in our lives and lose focus of the things that matter most, and the things, or rather, the people, who make us really, truly happy.
And the reason for this is straightforward (although still upsetting): although many things in life are deadline- and urgency-driven, relationships almost never are.
And so, we push that coffee date with our girlfriend, that phone call to our parents, or that quality time we’ve been promising our husband to “when we have time”.
And let’s be honest… who knows when that will be?
When it comes to your relationships—make a point to make the time. Investing in your relationships will not only show love and appreciation to the person you care about, it will nurture your soul too.
So, the next time you find yourself lacking energy, confidence or fulfillment, make an active choice to shift focus to your priority relationships, and you will find your happiness and self-confidence renewed and restored. Remember:
Improving the quality of your relationships will improve the quality of your life.
Here is your Day 18 Challenge:
Contact 5 people that you care about and tell them that you love and appreciate them. That’s all.
19.
Passion
“Choose to thrive, not just to survive.”
* * *
Knowing what you are passionate about, what makes you feel good, and what inspires you, is a crucial step on the road to true self-confidence. The simplest way I can articulate today’s lesson (without being incredibly morbid) is this:
Life is too short to NOT work on the things you’re passionate about.
But what does that mean, “passionate”?
In recent years, I feel as though “passionate” has become an overused word, especially in the job interview space. “I’m passionate about marketing.” “I’m passionate about copywriting.” “I’m passionate about data analysis.”
...Are you really passionate about data analysis?
Hey, maybe you are! And if that’s your thing, the thing that truly makes you feel ALIVE, then good on you for finding it, and being able to work in it every day.
But if it’s not, if you’re spending the majority of your time doing things that don’t feed your soul… then something needs to change.
Here’s a little story for you. If you’re not a fan of long-winded, dramatic personal anecdotes (I mean, who ISN’T?!), consider skipping ahead:
Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved to perform. Nothing gave her greater joy than being on stage, telling a story, and connecting with an audience.
Over the years, that girl grew up. Her time became limited and she was forced to make choices. The “right” choices. For her career, her future, and her stability.
She went to college and studied English Literature (since she had always loved writing, and was pretty darn good at it), which people scoffed at since it wasn’t a “real degree”.
So, she thought about picking up a second major. But what should it be?
Well she, of course, loved the theatre general education classes that she took, so she considered starting a musical theatre major.
When we presented the idea to her father over the phone one Sunday afternoon, he asked, “...But do you want to work in musical theatre?”
And the girl said no.
Because the question she heard was, “...But what will people think if you major in musical theatre? Where will that get you? Is that a traditional path to traditional ‘success?’”
Instead she picked up a Public Relations major, because it seemed to have a little more established credibility in the working world, as far as “real” jobs go.
The girl continued to dance through college, but by the time she graduated, her performing days were done. She moved out West, got a “real job” working for a “big company,” and started her “career”.
And sure, she had fun. She was in her early 20s living in a new city after all, surrounded by opportunity, new friends, and beautiful beaches.
But something was missing.
So, she made more friends. And she changed jobs (a bunch of times)—hopping from this marketing job to that marketing job (how’d she end up in marketing anyways?) And she was successful. She made “good money.” She had benefits and a normal schedule and a steady paycheck.
But something was still missing.
Then one day, five years later, she saw a notice for a theatre audition.
And for the first time, in SO many years… she was excited. She was on FIRE with anticipation.
So, she auditioned. And she got the part. And she performed. And it was wonderful.
She did it again. She started going back to dance classes. She found a vocal coach and attended acting workshops. She made connections in this new community, and found her way back to the stage, consistently.
And she found she was alive again.
Just a year later, that girl has a greater sense of her purpose and understanding of who she IS than she ever has before. She is living her most authentic life—the life she knows she was meant to live. She is happy.
Following her passions put everything in alignment for her, and helped her realize that all those marketing jobs weren’t preparing her more the next, bigger marketing job, they were preparing her to use her passion of performance to spread confidence and fulfillment in the community of women around her.
And she has never been more excited to wake up in the morning, jump out of bed, and do the work she was meant to do, because it is 100% in line with her passions.
This girl, as I’m sure you realized from the first sentence of this little anecdote, is me.
And that’s enough about me for today.
The point is—you DESERVE to follow your passions. You deserve to THRIVE, not just survive your own life.
Oprah said it best: “Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.”
Find your passion, and do everything you can to fuel it. Your whole life will change in the process.
Here is your Day 19 Challenge:
Take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
• What do you feel excited about?
• What do you love to do more than anything else in the world?
�
�� What makes you feel ALIVE?
Write down 3-5 activities that you genuinely love to do. Do you love reading? Awesome! Is aerial yoga your favorite thing in the whole WORLD. Nice! Could you spend all day talking on the phone to people and feel 100% fulfilled? Good for you!
“Normal” doesn’t matter here. All that matters is that you write down 3-5 things that you genuinely, truly love to do.
Another quick note about passions: your passions can change over time. You, as a human, will grow, change and evolve for the rest of your life, so it’s natural that the things your passionate about would change too! So, as you grow, make sure your change your habits to reflect your passions—don’t become stuck in a rut of doing the same things because you “remember when you used to enjoy it”. No. Life’s too short! Remember: choose to thrive, not just survive.
20.
Authority
“Commit to excellence. Every day.”
* * *
Once you discover your passion and your strengths, it is your responsibility to hone your skills and become a true expert in your field.
It’s not just your responsibility to the world—it’s something you owe to yourself!
As we brought up before—you are unique. There’s no one on this whole earth quite like you! Marie Forleo articulates this beautifully:
“You are here for a reason… No person has or ever will have the unique blend of talents and strengths and gifts and perspective that you have.”
…. And it is your responsibility to USE that unique blend of talents, strengths, gifts and perspectives to discover your RFB and live the life you were meant to live.
And what the heck, you may be asking, is an RFB?
Your RFB is a handy-dandy little acronym I created. It stands for your “reason for being”. WHY do you exist? What is your purpose? How do you live the life you were meant to live?
Your RFB hits at an intersection of 3 different key points and understandings about yourself, many of which we have already touched on in this book, as well as another external factor that has to do with “making a living:”
• What are your strengths?
• What are your values?
• What do you like to do?
• What does the world need (Or: What can you be paid for?)
At the crossover of these 4 points, you’ll find your RFB. And your RFB is completely, 100% unique to you. No one else will be able to make this same contribution to the world, with the same impact, experience and passion as you.
A side part to deciphering your RFB and your area of authority is to lessen time spent on activities that aren’t your area of authority. After all, your time is your most valuable resource, and you need to spend it effectively.
But enough talking about RFBs in abstract. Let’s figure out what yours is, shall we?
Here is your Day 20 Challenge:
Spend 10-15 minutes thinking through your answers to these 4 questions. You can download a free RFB worksheet here to help you move one step closer towards figuring out your purpose.
If you’re struggling, fall back on this wonderful quote from Bishop T.D. Jakes:
“If you can’t figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For your passion will lead you right into your purpose.”
21.
Learning
“Develop a love of learning.”
* * *
One of the best things you can do for your confidence and growth over the course of your life is commit to a lifetime of learning.
For some people, this is easier than it is for others.
Personally, I have always been a huge nerd when it comes to traditional learning. I loved school and academia. Even today, I feel a sense of peace and excitement when I drive by or walk through a high school or college campus (weird, I know). In college, when we were prescribed a certain number of general education classes, I purposefully sought out random courses just because I wanted to learn about, say, German Culture and Civilization, or Art History. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to take “Witches and Witchcraft from the Middle Ages to the Present” (which is a course that my alma mater ACTUALLY offers in undergraduate studies and that I am so jealous current students have the opportunity to take!)
Anyways, the point is that learning is important. Similarly to what we discussed about committing to a lifetime of growth and improvement, the moment you stop learning, you stop growing.
Especially after you have uncovered your RFB (using the exercise on Day 20), you will have received a huge gift from the universe in understanding what it is that you are passionate about, and how you can use that passion to contribute to the world around you. Most people struggle their whole lives to understand their purpose, so once you even begin to tap into what you think yours may be, you owe it to yourself to read more, grow more, and learn more about that topic.
But of course, you aren’t confined to only learn about your topic of passion for the rest of your life. If something interests you, pursue it!
Rule of thumb: If you’re intrigued, explore.
Plus, by exposing yourself to new schools of thought and information through reading books, listening to podcasts, browsing blogs and online publications, taking classes, or whatever other methodology best suits you, you are actively expanding your realm of knowledge and your understanding of the world around you. You become smarter, and you are equipped with more knowledge to be able to make better decisions about your future. And if that isn’t self-improvement, and confidence-building at its very finest, then I don’t know what is!
Here is your Day 21 Challenge:
Spend 15 minutes today reading something enriching, positive, and informative in your field of study. See how many days you can do this is a row!
Week 4: The Physical Body
As an actor, one of my favorite methodologies to study and practice is physicality—specifically, using the physical body to create and support portrayal of a character on stage.
The physical body can be incredibly powerful in relaying information, emotion and presence, both on stage, on screen, and in real life.
When it comes to self-confidence, everything we’ve discussed so far has had to do with developing confidence from the inside out, and improving our understanding of both ourselves and our practices to help embody our most confident selves.
It’s true that confidence comes from within. When you are truly confident—when you have a firm understanding of who you are and what you want—it shines out of you, and radiates through every ounce of your being into the world around you.
However...
There are also a number of physical postures you can embody to strengthen (and sometimes even “fake”) this aura of confidence.
We have all heard the saying, “fake it ‘til you make it”. There is a lot of truth in this statement, and many experts have devoted their life’s work to understanding the relationship between body language and its effect on confidence and emotional response.
As I said in the Introduction, I’m not one of these experts. But over the years, I have seen and practiced a lot of manipulation of the physical body in the interest of exuding more confidence and poise. I have aggregated a bank of tactics that work and produce real results, both in external perception of confidence, as well as creating stronger feelings of internal confidence.
And I’m going to share those tactics with you right now.
22.
Health
“You’re only one workout away from a good mood.”
* * *
While confidence originates inside you, our physical body has a lot to do with how we present ourselves to the world. After all, it is the version of us that people actually see! And at the end of the day, the base factor that affects not only how your physical body looks, but also, and more importantly, how it performs and functions, is your health and wellness.
Like it or not—working out and taking care of your body is a necessary part of feeling (and looking)
good.
There is a proven link between exercise and improved mood and self-esteem. Exercise is one of the most natural and reliable ways to improve your mental health: Regular exercise can help treat depression and anxiety, as well as provide natural stress relief, better sleep, and overall wellness.
Now, I’m not saying you need to be in fitness model shape, banish carbs from your life forever, or any of that nonsense (but if that’s your jam, power to you!) What I’m saying is that, if you want to start feeling good, live a positive lifestyle, and feel confident, you need to start from the inside out, physically as well as mentally.
And if your body is healthy, it’s easier for your mind to follow suit. In fact, research shows that specific types of exercise, such as strength training and yoga, increase our appreciation for our bodies, because they focus on the work you’re doing, rather than the physical results. Which is what exercise and true healthiness is all about.
I can also say from experience that one of the best ways to start liking yourself and appreciating all that you and your body are capable of is treating yourself well. It’s a matter of respect. If you disrespect your body by eating burritos, avoiding vegetables and not exercising, then it becomes pretty hard to be proud of who you are in general.
And if you’re not proud of who you are—if you can’t be your OWN advocate—how can you expect anyone else to advocate for you?
So, figure out what makes you feel good. And start there.
Here is your Day 22 Challenge:
Do something active for 20 minutes today. Go for a walk. Hit the gym and do some cardio or weight training. Take a Pilates class. Swim in the ocean. Dance around your bedroom in your underwear for 20 minutes. Whatever is available to you (and ideally, something you enjoy) will work—what matters is that you DO it. I can promise with 100% certainty that you’ll feel great afterwards.
35 Days of Confidence Page 5