23.
Overcoming Limitations
“The comfort zone is the great enemy of courage and confidence.”
-Brian Tracy
* * *
Today, we’re talking about limitations. You know, the ones you *think* you have?
The human body and the human mind are capable of incredible things. With enough practice and preparation, anything is possible. More often than not, it is our own self-limiting beliefs that hold us back, rather than the actual capabilities of our mind and body.
We’ve all heard about self-limiting beliefs and how dangerous they are. If you’re new to the idea, in essence, self-limiting beliefs are the negative, inhibiting things we think about ourselves. These are thoughts that we just take to be true, maybe because we’ve been told them over and over again, or perhaps because we’ve come up with some reasoning in our own minds as to why they are facts.
But the reality is, most self-limiting beliefs are not facts at all. Rather, they are lies we tell ourselves, usually as some sort of a defense mechanism.
For example, let’s say there’s a job at your current company that you really, really want. It’s your dream job! But instead of going for it, or doing the work you need to throw your hat in the ring and prepare for the interview, you tell yourself: “Oh I’m not qualified for that job. They’re looking for someone with twice my experience.” Because you believe this, you will never apply for the job. You will stay in your comfort zone, where you are protected by your self-limiting beliefs, and remain unchallenged, and, ultimately, unhappy.
Another example: Let’s say there’s a guy or gal you have a humongous crush on. But you’re convinced that they’ll never ask you out because: “Oh, he/she is way out of my league.” Because you believe this, instead of making yourself physically and emotionally available to date this person—or, better yet, making the first move to ask THEM out—you stay single, unhappy, and comfortable in your singledom.
Do not read this as me knocking singledom, because I’m absolutely not. The point is, we tell ourselves the things that we think will keep us safe and comfortable. It’s an act of self-preservation.
I once had the pleasure of listening to esteemed hypnotherapist, Marisa Peer, give a talk on how the brain works. As a hypnotherapist, one of the areas that she specializes in is helping patients overcome their own limiting beliefs by first identifying what they are, often through the use of hypnotherapy tactics, to unlock key realizations in the brain.
I listened to Marisa tell story after story of how certain patients’ ailments and issues were not caused by physical issues, but rather by self-limiting beliefs and scenarios that they had created in their own mind.
One that stood out to me was a woman who Marisa worked with who—above all—HATED speaking in public. She was convinced that she was terrible at it, and that she hated it more than anything else in the world. And she said this all the time, even out loud to peers. She’d say, “Oh, I hate public speaking,” and “I’d rather die than speak in public.”
But low and behold, one day at work, she was assigned a high-profile presentation that she would have to give to many of her colleagues. And she stressed over it greatly, until the day before the presentation.
And what happened? She got very, very sick. And ended up not having to give the presentation.
You see, the brain is smarter than we give it credit for. If we tell ourselves (and others) that “we hate public speaking” and “we’d rather die than speak in public,” then our brains will devise a way for us to NOT have to do those things. See? Self-preservation.
As we discussed early on Day 7, if you tell yourself something enough times (or if you are told something enough times), you will eventually believe it to be true. So, if you TELL yourself, “I’m not qualified for that job” or “that guy is out of my league” or “I could never quit my job and start my own business,” then you won’t do any of those things.
But if you force yourself to step outside of your comfort zone, change your internal dialogue, and break the cycle of self-limiting beliefs, then all of those things become very possible. It’s all a matter of overcoming these limiting beliefs.
So, sometimes it helps to “shock” the system by trying something new. By proving to ourselves that we CAN do that thing that we thought we’d never be able to; by doing something that makes us think to ourselves, “I can’t believe I just did that!”
And the physical body is a great tool for this. Which brings us nicely to today’s challenge.
Here is your Day 23 Challenge:
Break out of your comfort zone and try something new today. You become better by continually challenging yourself to grow, learn and do more.
Take a new workout class, try a new hobby, cook a new dish… whatever it is, try something you’ve never tried before. If you need some inspiration, here’s a list of 82 new things you can try today to build your confidence:
Activities for the Adventurer
1. Pack up a basket or bag and go on a picnic
2.Take a hike (literally)
3. Plan a day trip to a local landmark
4. Take a road trip with no end destination in mind
5. Visit a National Park
6. Go camping
7. Start a garden
8. Head to your local farmer’s market and support local business
9. Watch the sun rise
10. Watch the sun set
11. Go star-gazing
Fitness and Health Activities
12. Dance it out! Take a Zumba class, or some other dance class
13. Embrace your inner ballerina and try a Barre class
14. Develop a “long and strong” body – take a Pilates class
15. Take a spin class
16. Go biking outdoors (rent one or use bike-sharing, if you don’t have one of your own)
17. Lift some weights (it’s a proven confidence booster with a host of other benefits!)
18. Try aerial yoga or aerial silks
19. Go indoor rock-climbing
20. Do a handstand or headstand
21. Meditate
22. Go for a swim
23. Try surfing
24. Go kayaking
25. Go stand-up paddle boarding
26. Go for a run
27. Go for a walk in the park
28. Sign up for a race
29. Jump rope (trust me, it’s not as easy as when you used to do it on the playground)
30. Speaking of… go to a local playground and reconnect with your inner kid!
Activities for Animal Lovers
31. Ride a horse
32. Puppy-sit your friend’s dog
33. Foster a dog (or cat!)
34. Go to your local shelter and adopt a pet (warning: this one’s a big commitment!)
35, Volunteer at your local animal shelter
36. Adopt an animal through WWF’s Symbolic Species Adoptions
Artsy Activities
37. Paint a picture
38. Paint your own pottery
39. Take a photography class
40. Draw or sketch from a photograph
41. Write a short story
42. Write a poem
43. Start writing your autobiography
44. Write a blog post (or, start a blog!)
45. Start a journal
46. Color in a coloring book
47. Listen to a new genre of music – find a playlist you’d never normally listen to on Spotify and give it a go!
48. Get cultured – visit a local museum or art gallery
49. Watch a classic movie on Netflix
50. Support live theatre – go see a show!
51. Go see a comedy show
52. Go see a ballet
Activities for “Going Back to School”
53. Look up the course directory at your local community college – see anything that interests you? Sign up!
54. Go to your local library and check out a
book
55. Read a fiction book
56. Read a non-fiction book
57. Join a book club
58. Is there an activity or hobby you used to enjoy? Take a lesson!
59. Start learning a new language.
Activities that Feed Your Body and Soul
60. Try out a new restaurant
61. Look up a new recipe and get to cooking!
62. Host a dinner party! Inviting friends over for a meal feeds the body and the soul
63. Make a cake for absolutely no reason at all
64. Flex your ambidextrous muscles – brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand.
65. Research “feng shui” and apply it to one room of your home
66. Research “hygge” and apply it to one room of your home
67. Send a thank you note, or a “just because” note to someone you haven’t talked with in a while
68. Take a bath
69. Get a massage
70. Get a facial (good skincare is a worthwhile investment, people!)
71. Give yourself a mani-pedi
72. Dye your hair a new color (or use temporary colors to go pink or blue for the day)
73. Compliment 5 people today
74. Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line
75. If you normally drink coffee, drink tea for a day. (If you normally drink tea, drink coffee!)
76. Be the first person to say hello
77. Donate clothes and items you no longer use to charity
78. Volunteer your time somewhere that needs it
79. Turn off your phone for one hour
80. Don’t complain for a full day
81. Don’t say “sorry” for a full day
82. Book a plane trip to a place you’ve never been
Phew… if you can’t find one thing on that list that you haven’t done before, then you deserve an award. Try something new today—you may surprise yourself!
24.
Posture
“A strong confident person can rule the room with knowledge, personal style, attitude and great posture.”
-Cindy Ann Peterson
* * *
We would be remiss not to cover the topic of body language, specifically—your posture, in a book about looking and feeling more confident.
We all know the saying “you don’t get a second chance at a first impression”. More often than not, that “first impression” happens without any sort of verbal introduction. Your first impression to the large majority of the world happens from their perception of you, from your posture, body language, actions, and (last of all, actually) your speech.
What you “say” with your body carries a lot of volume!
Based on what I’ve read, body language and nonverbal communication conveys 80-90% of the weight when you’re interacting with another person. So even if you’re telling someone, “I’m so excited to be here,” if your eyes are looking elsewhere, your feet are pointing in a different direction, and you happen to be crossing your arms… then your verbal message will not be received.
In addition, audiences trust nonverbal communication above your words and your speech content. Posture is the body’s most honest indicator of our thoughts and feelings, so ensure you are sending open, positive signals.
Furthermore, even if you completely master the art of sounding confident, people will never believe what you say if your shoulders are slumped and your eyes are cast downward when you say it. As Allen Ruddock once famously said, “Your body communicates as well as your mouth. Don’t contradict yourself.”
Luckily, there are a few key posture adjustments you can make to project an aura of confidence, and even trick your brain into feeling self-assured. One of my favorite ones to talk about is inhabiting “high status positions”.
As an actor, much of how performance is perceived by the audience is through the actor’s physical portrayal of that character. In the instructional book, A Body Prepares: A Complete Guide to Physical Warm Up Exercises for Performers, Jake Urry, the author, introduces the idea of “archetypes” – which are conventions for actors to easily access specific physical, vocal and emotional states to portray a certain character. By exhibiting qualities of certain archetypes, purely on the physical level, the actor immediately is able to assume qualities that character would have.
For example, when an actor is portraying a warrior, he or she can inhabit common movements and behaviors that we as a society associate with this archetype, including a commanding tone of voice and moving with a sense of purpose and righteousness.
On the contrary, when an actor is portraying a crone-type of character, different physical behaviors can be used. The obvious choice is a to hunch your back and use a croaky-type voice (think Wicked Witch of the West).
The point of these archetypes is for actors to use them as a starting point in character development, with the key phrase being “starting point”. Ideally, each character takes on a life of its own, that you create and refine into something unique.
The same can be said about confidence. There’s no one-size-fits-all model for how to look and feel confidence. Instead, it’s an act of personal development. But sometimes starting by practicing confidence behaviors can help to jump-start the discovery process.
So, to convey confidence in your own posture, make like a royal and focus on lifting your sternum, which instantly makes you look more confident. Your sternum is located in the middle of your chest and connects your upper ribs. An open, upright posture conveys confidence, authority, and high status.
Another tactic that you may have heard of if you have ever studied dance or practiced Pilates is the “zip-up” method: Starting at the area right below your belly button, imagine zipping up a form fitting jacket, all the way up to under your chin. Go through the motion and watch how your posture experiences a subtle, yet significant shift. This is a great exercise to use right before entering into a high-pressure scenario, such as an interview, a presentation, an audition, or even a first date, to instantly calm the body and project confidence.
Here is your Day 24 Challenge:
The easiest way to start being aware of your posture, and to start addressing any confidence-undermining behaviors is to understand the idea of open versus closed postures.
A “closed posture” is any posture that makes you look smaller. Common examples are: crossing your arms, crossing your legs, hunching your shoulders, or leaning over and placing hands/elbows on a nearby desk or table.
An “open posture” is any posture that makes you look bigger—that helps you take up more space.
Positive, open posture makes you appear trustworthy, easy, confident—before you even open your mouth!
Your challenge today is to start being aware of your posturing throughout the day—when do you exhibit closed postures? When do you use open postures? Make a conscious effort to correct one consistent posture in your life. For example: “Any time I sit down in meetings, I will sit with my shoulders back, and head up.”
25.
Gestures
“What you ‘say’ with your hands, matters.”
* * *
A specific element of body language that I really want to take the time to address here is gestures—specifically, how you use your hands when you are communicating with others.
There are countless how-to articles and videos out there about how to use your hands to get your point across, or deliver a better sales pitch, or connect with an audience. (Go ahead and do a quick Google search—I’ll wait!) Being able to effectively use gesturing to drive home a point is truly an art form, and people want answers on how to master it.
But there’s also a science to gesturing, and why it works. I recently watched a TED talk by Vanessa Van Edwards, interpersonal intelligence expert and public speaker, on this exact topic. Van Edwards and her team analyzed thousands of hours of TED talks, in effort to determine why some talks became “viral” and others were drastically less p
opular.
In their research, they found that the least popular TED Talkers used an average of “…272 hand gestures during the 18-minute talk, while the most popular TED Talkers used an average of 465 hand gestures.” That’s almost twice as many hand gestures in the same 18-minute time span!
So why does that matter? What role does gesturing play in likability anyways?
The answer has to do with our biology and survival instincts. When we see someone, the first place we look (or we think we look), is the eyes, mouth or face, but where we actually look is at their hands. This finding actually goes back to caveman days – when two cavemen approached each other, they looked to the other’s hands first to make sure they weren’t carrying some sort of weapon. In this case, hands are a representation of “friend” or “foe”. Hands represent intention.
In addition, gesturing helps better explain verbal communication. In fact, Van Edwards’ study concluded that using gestures can increase the value of our message by 60 percent!
And why is this, exactly? Well, there are many different types of learning styles that a person can gravitate towards. Most studies agree on seven primary learning styles: Some people are verbal learners, some are visual learners. Still others are physical, logical, social or solitary. I have even heard of “musical learners”—or people who learn best when information is conveyed through song and rhythm.
Most people are a mix of at least two of these learning styles. And if you’re delivering any sort of message, it’s in your best interest to maximize the number of learning styles that you appeal to. By implementing gestures in your delivery, you help to create a visual and physical depiction, to layer on top of the verbal communication that you’re expressing.
Another key finding from her study? Similar to the overall power of body language compared to verbal language, it’s also true that our brains give 12.5x more weight to hand gestures than the actual words that come out of a person’s mouth.
35 Days of Confidence Page 6