35 Days of Confidence

by Alyssa A Austin

  In short, what you “say” with your hands, matters. So how can you improve the language of your hands? Awareness and self-study are a great place to start.

  Here is your Day 25 Challenge:

  In light of this revelation about the power of hand gestures, you challenge today is to tune into how you use your hands to express yourself regularly. Are there specific gestures that you use multiple times throughout the day? Do you rarely use your hands at all?

  Here are some scenario-based questions to help you build awareness:

  • Where are your hands when you speak on the phone? Do you use them to gesture and articulate, even though the person on the other end of the phone obviously can’t see?

  • Where are your hands when you’re talking in person with a friend?

  • Where are your hands when you’re talking in person with a colleague?

  • Where are your hands when you’re talking in person with your manager or something in a “position of power?”

  Being aware of HOW you use your hands to gesture on the regular can help you take steps towards better controlling them and using gesturing to help make you come across more confident and self-assured.

  Once you have a handle on your current gesturing habits, you can start to work on specific, proven-to-be-effective hand gestures to help make you a better communicator and speaker. Van Edwards lists out a number of these, including listing, “listen up,” and, my personal favorite, “I’ve got my shit together” here.

  26.

  Smiling

  “Most smiles are caused by another smile.”

  -Frank A. Clark

  * * *

  Another important aspect of body language when it comes to exuding confidence is what’s on your face. No, not your makeup—your facial expression!

  Just the act of smiling has a proven positive effect on your mood, and there are tons of studies and articles on this physiological phenomenon.

  There’s a wonderful, yet simple quote by a woman named Gitte Falkenberg: “Smile even if you don’t feel like it. Your body language helps determine your state of mind.”

  And she’s 100% correct. Success expert Jack Canfield elaborates on this in detail: “Putting on a smile, even if it’s forced, can lead to almost an immediate flood of endorphins in your brain.”

  Endorphins are valuable because they, in addition to Dopamine, Serotonin, and Oxytocin, are the hormones responsible for feelings of happiness in the body. Therefore, endorphins released by smiling serve to improve your overall happiness and reduce stress. And smiling can give you an extra boost of endorphins when you need them the most.

  Side note: Another natural source of endorphins in the body is exercise, which we talked about on Day 22. I mean, we all know the “Legally Blonde” quote; say it with me: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.”

  This endorphin release you experience from smiling is actually triggered by the movement of the muscles in your face – meaning that smiling carries this benefit, even when your heart isn’t really in it.

  To make this reaction authentic though, the smile must reach the upper cheek muscles (those good old “crow’s feet” muscles) and extend up to your eyes. And it’s contagious – researchers at the University of Finland found that when they showed images of people who were authentically smiling and exhibiting real happiness to study participants, the participants themselves also experienced feelings of happiness and had a positive mood change. Conversely, when those same researchers showed images of people who were fake smiling to study participants, the participants caught no positive feelings.

  This is to say that authentically smiling makes you more approachable. Say you go to an event (or an audition) that you are nervous or just less than excited about. This internal feeling will manifest on your face and actually make you less memorable… unless you do something about it!

  Here is your Day 26 Challenge:

  For today’s challenge, I want to introduce you to my “BSBS Formula,” which combines lessons we’ve been talking about over the last three days on body language.

  BSBS stands for: breathe, shoulders back, smile.

  Three steps with a big impact. The appearance of confidence (and subsequent internalization of confidence) can be that simple!

  Today, before you head into a meeting, start a new task, or even before you leave the house, take 5 seconds and try BSBS. It just takes 5 seconds, and it will be just enough of a moment of pause to allow a slight mood shift that will help you tackle ANY challenge!

  27.

  Breathing

  “Do not underestimate the healing power of breathing.”

  * * *

  We touched a little bit on the power of breathing yesterday, and how it can help us to hit “reset” on our stress-levels, positive mindset, and confidence.

  Breathing is something we just do. It comes naturally to us. It keeps us alive.

  But we take it for granted, and we don’t use it (I mean, REALLY use it) as often as we should.

  In the busyness of our day to day lives, we forget to take the time to breathe. Which is unfortunate, since breath is the body’s natural stress-reliever.

  At a biological level, deep breathing is not only relaxing, it’s also been scientifically proven to affect the heart, the brain, digestion, the immune system—and maybe even the expression of genes, according to a study published on NPR.

  According to Mladen Golubic, a physician in the Cleveland Clinic’s Center for Integrative Medicine, breathing can have a profound impact on our physiology and our health.

  “You can influence asthma; you can influence chronic obstructive pulmonary disease; you can influence heart failure,” Golubic says. “There are studies that show that people who practice breathing exercises and have those conditions—they benefit.”

  Furthermore, research has shown that breathing exercises can have immediate effects by altering the pH of the blood, or changing blood pressure. But more importantly, calming breathing exercises can be used as a method to train the body’s reaction to stressful situations and dampen the production of harmful stress hormones.

  So, to put it in perspective—integrating deep breathing and calming breath exercises into your daily routine can help soothe stress, improve your mood, and boost your confidence.

  Here is your Day 27 Challenge:

  At the top of every hour today, close your eyes and do 5 “square breaths.”

  Square breathing refers to a style of deep breathing where you inhale, hold, exhale, hold: 4 phases that mimic the 4 sides of a square. Square breathing is a simple, easy, and effective way to calm yourself and enjoy a few minutes of tranquility.

  So, at the top of each hour today, plant both feet firmly on the floor (either sitting or standing), close your eyes and complete 5 square breath cycles. Follow this breath count:

  Inhale 2 3 4

  Hold 2 3 4

  Exhale 2 3 4

  Hold 2 3 4

  ...And repeat! Set a timer if you need to, to make sure you do it every hour. This exercise will help you soothe away tension during a stressful work day, refocus your attention, and re-energize you when you need it most.

  28.

  Language

  “Your words become your world.”

  -Nadeem Kazi

  * * *

  On the final day of Week 4: The Physical Body, we’re talking about the words you say, and the power they have to influence your confidence levels, and how those around you perceive you.

  I know we just spent a lot of time talking about how the words that come out of your mouth are often dwarfed by your body language, your posture, or your facial expression; but that shouldn’t be interpreted as me saying that words are not important. Because they are. Especially when it comes to not what other people hear you say, but what you actively choose to articulate, and make your own reality.

  The words you say (and the peop
le you say them to) have immeasurable power to shape your progress and your potential. This is why we’ve placed such a focus so far in this book on affirmations, your Aspiration Statement, your power phrase, and so much more.

  Simply put: words have power.

  And yet, so often, we speak without thinking. We open our mouths before we turn on our brains!

  Over the last few days, we’ve been talking about the weight of nonverbal communication. But if you nail your body language and posture, effectively use your hands to introduce yourself and set the stage for confidence… and then when you open your mouth you sound unpolished and unpracticed—it’s all for naught.

  The great thing about language is that it’s so easily to control and improve.

  And when I say language, I don’t mean “using big words”. I mean speaking with authority, confidence, and conciseness.

  There’s a saying I love, “Do not say in 10 words what can be said in 5.”

  As women, we easily gravitate towards the use of “filler words” – such as, “like”, “um”, “Does that make sense?”, “sorry”, and “just”.

  A great place to start on your journey to sounding more confident is by removing these seven words and phrases from your vocabulary:

  Here are seven words and phrases to strike from your vocabulary right NOW to sound more confident and capable.

  “Sorry”

  This is not news – women have a tendency to overuse the word “sorry,” especially in place of other words that we’re actually intending to say, such as “excuse me” or “I have something I want to say.” This video released a few years ago by beauty brand Pantene does an excellent job of articulating the weakening power of overusing “sorry,” and words that should be used in its place.

  If it’s absolutely necessary to use the word “sorry”, swap in “I apologize,” which sounds more deliberate and sophisticated.

  “Just”

  A.K.A. the four-letter credibility killer. What’s the problem with “just?” Simply put, it devalues whatever words follow it. It minimizes the importance of your request, your question, your statement, and consequently– your overall impact.

  Ellen Leanse, the founder of Karmahacks, published a post on LinkedIn about the overuse of this word in women’s professional communication. Leanse explains her discovery of this phenomenon, and how it’s underhandedly devaluing women’s voices in the workplace:

  “It hit me that there was something about the word I didn’t like. It was a “permission” word, in a way — a warm-up to a request, an apology for interrupting, a shy knock on a door before asking “Can I get something I need from you?”

  Leanse continues,

  “I am all about respectful communication. Yet I began to notice that “just” wasn’t about being polite: it was a subtle message of subordination, of deference. Sometimes it was self-effacing. Sometimes even duplicitous. As I started really listening, I realized that striking it from a phrase almost always clarified and strengthened the message.”

  A “subtle message of subordination” … We use “just” to be polite, or not to impose on the person with whom we’re speaking, because what we have to say is less important that what they’re currently working on. That’s the implication every time you use the word “just”.

  So, the next time you catch yourself starting off an email with “I’m just writing to ask…” or texting a friend “Just wondering what you think about…”

  Revise your sentences. Revise your expectations. Revise your self-confidence.

  “At least”

  This one strikes a personal chord with me. A few years ago, I watched a brilliant TED Talk given by Dr Brené Brown on the difference between showing empathy and sympathy. (Brown is a research professor and the best-selling author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead). In this talk, Brown explains how empathy fuels connection, but sympathy drives disconnection. Acting or responding empathetically means we try to take on the perspective of the person we’re speaking with, and really recognize their perspective as their truth. It also means we refrain from judgment (which Lord knows can be hard!), and communicate in a way that respects their emotion and them that they are not alone.

  Rarely, if ever does an empathic response begin with “at least…” Someone shares something with us that’s hard to say, maybe even painful, and “at least” diminishes their contribution by trying to paint a silver lining around it.

  As Brown articulates so pointedly: “Empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice, because in order to connect with others, we have to connect with something in ourselves that shares the same feeling they are experiencing. The truth is, rarely can a verbal response make something better. What makes something better is creating a connection.”

  Removing the phrase “at least” from your speaking vocabulary will help improve the quality of your genuine connections with others, and help bring you closer to them, rather than creating a wall (as innocent and unintentional as it may be) of disconnect.

  “It’s not fair”

  Do I even need to elaborate on this one? Not to be harsh or anything but… life’s not fair, people. Everyone knows this. And that’s why this phrase is extra-harmful to your confidence and self-worth. Saying “it’s not fair” suggests that you think life is supposed to be fair, which makes you look immature and naïve. It basically destroys your credibility.

  Instead, stick to the facts, stay constructive and think positively. Instead of crying to yourself that “It’s not fair that Chelsea got the part over me!” make the choice to act constructively. Did you do the best you could? Did you prepare thoroughly? Is there anyone you can ask for feedback on what went into the decision or how you could improve for next time? (Important Tip: It never hurts to ask! Really.) If you don’t strive to learn from your experiences, you’ll be sure to repeat them.

  “This is probably a stupid question, but…”

  First of all, you shouldn’t believe that ANYTHING that comes out of your mouth is stupid. That’s issue numero uno.

  Issue number two would be all the negative self-talk that’s sneakily wrapped into that phrase. To everyone else in the room, the question you are about to ask could be a perfectly normal question. Or worse yet, it could be a question that they themselves have. So not only are you inadvertently calling yourself stupid for asking it, you’re inferring that they are stupid as well!

  Yikes.

  These overly passive phrases instantly erode your credibility. Even if you follow these phrases with a great idea, they suggest that you lack confidence, which makes the people you’re speaking to lose confidence in you. Don’t be your own worst critic. If you’re not confident in what you’re saying, no one else will be either. And, if you really don’t know something, say, “I don’t have that information right now, but I’ll find out and get right back to you.”

  “It’s not my fault”

  This phrase, and any other similar phrases signify one thing: lack of ownership. Ownership is indicative of confidence, control, and – most importantly – responsibility. If you utter the phrase “it’s not my fault” (even if it’s not your fault!), you’re essentially saying, “I’m not responsible” – “I’m not an active participant in the outcome of my life.” Furthermore, by removing yourself from the situation, you’re subtly pointing the blame finger at someone else. And the moment you start pointing fingers at someone else, people will begin seeing you as someone lacks accountability for their actions, pride in the work, and general confidence in their abilities.

  “I can’t.”

  This one is the worst! Mostly because it’s a lie. 99% percent of the time, when we utter the phrase, “I can’t,” what we’re really saying is, “I won’t”. And guess what? People don’t like hearing, “I won’t” when they ask you do something. Saying “I can’t” suggests that you’re not willing to do what it takes to get the job done.

  If yo
u really can’t do something because something out of your control is interfering, then you need to offer an alternative solution. For example, “No, I can’t meet you to review that presentation today. But, how about tomorrow morning at 10:00 am?” Be specific in your alternative suggestion. A vague, open-ended alternative suggestion is just as bad as no suggestion at all.

  But what’s worse about the phrase “I can’t” is the mental damage is does when you utter it. Just as positive affirmations can transform your thinking and abilities for the better, negative affirmations can wreck your confidence.

  There’s a reason actress Gina Rodrigues’ 2015 Golden Globe acceptance speech for Best Actress in a TV Comedy made waves on social media – her powerful mantra, “I can and I will,” struck a chord with the hearts and minds of viewers everywhere. Because, more often than not, the answer is “I can… And I will”. And sometimes it’s as simple as affirming that belief out loud to transform your outlook.

  Here is your Day 28 Challenge:

  Reference the list of 7 words and phrases from this Chapter to remove from your vocabulary to sound more confident and make a conscious effort to not say a SINGLE one of them today.

  Write them on a post-it note, stick it somewhere visible, and challenge yourself to make a conscious effort to avoid using them. If you’re feeling particularly fiery, I suggest adding a “penance” element: if you say one of those words or phrases, then you have to donate $5 into one of your savings accounts (which is really a win…), or skip your morning Starbucks tomorrow. You can also set a reward for successfully NOT saying any of those words or phrases. Whatever motivates you—find it, and stick with it!