My Favorite Sin

by Lina Langley

  He laughs dryly. “Yeah, yeah, I aim to please,” he says. He’s walking so fast I’m struggling to keep up with him. It’s a little annoying, but at the same time, I did tell him he didn’t need to help me and I need to show him I’m okay.

  I speed up my hopping, wondering when the last time I jumped was. It’s hard to do on the boardwalk, which is sandy and wet, and I have to hold on to the railing to make sure I don’t fall and hurt myself even more in the process.

  By the time I finally manage to get to the beach, I can see that Montgomery is already taken off his shirt and running toward the sea. I watch him disappear into the night and pinch the bridge of my nose. I wonder what the fuck I just got myself into.

  CONTINUE

  We swim. The ocean is cold and dark at this time, and it’s probably not the world’s greatest idea, but it’s what I came here to do and it is helping me with calming down. I don’t have to decide anything right now. Right now, all I have to focus on is swimming and the way my body feels when the waves roll over me and whip me around the water. I love swimming. It makes me feel lighter, like I don’t have to worry about anything. I’m not concerned about my foot or my future when I’m in the sea.

  Eventually, I get tired and make my way back to shore. My muscles are aching, but I feel refreshed. I need to make a decision, but it doesn’t have to be now. It just has to be the right one. Montgomery takes us home and I decide I’m going to tidy up my room in the morning. Normally, I try to make sure everything is as clean as it can be, because I like being in an austere environment. Right now, though, it can wait.

  I think I might even be able to get some sleep.

  Chapter three

  I sleep. It isn’t much, but I sleep, and I feel better when I wake up. The skin on my face no longer feels like it wants to melt off. I know I’m going to need a nap later, but right now, everything seems to be going okay.

  I grab my phone from my nightstand and see that Lawrence text me back. His text says he’ll see me at nine today. It’s already half past eight, so I need to scramble to get there. Shit, I should have been out of bed for an hour already, but I decided being irresponsible was the most important thing I could have done.

  Now I’m probably going to miss the most important appointment with Lawrence I’ve ever had. I think he’s the only person who is really going to help me decide what I should do. I’ve always wanted to be a priest, ever since I was a little boy, and Lawrence has been my direct point of contact ever since I started going for my undergrad.

  I put on some jeans and a white button-up shirt, to at least look like I’ve made an effort. I’m not going to be able to make it on time if I don’t get a lift and I’m pretty sure Montgomery doesn’t feel like up to volunteering, not after he drove me to the beach earlier today.

  I look at myself in the mirror and brush my hair away from my face. My eyes are glassy and my lips a little swollen. That always happens when I don’t get enough sleep. I think about putting some make-up on, but then tell myself not to be vain. Lawrence will understand. Plus, I haven’t even got time for that.

  I grab my phone off the bed and scroll down until I see Cyrus’ face. I always feel like smiling whenever I see his stupid face. Fuck, I don’t have time for this. I press the call button. He picks up after one ring.

  “Hey, baby,” he says, his voice husky. “I was just thinking about you.”

  I laugh. “I haven’t got time for this,” I say. “Can you drive me to school?”

  “When?”

  “Uh, right now?”

  “For the record, Alex, I hate you,” he replies quietly.

  “So that’s a yes.”

  “Yes,” he says. “I’ll be at your place in five.”

  I smile. “Thanks, boo. You’re the best.”

  He laughs and hangs up the phone. I go into the kitchen, wincing every time I support my weight with my left foot, and finally make it to the kitchen. I open the cupboard, grab a granola bag for on the go, and go hang out by the front door while I wait for Cyrus to arrive. My shoes are by the door, but my foot is a little swollen and I don’t want to put them on yet. I lean against the wall and think about what I’m going to say to Lawrence.

  “Thank you for all your help. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

  No, that’s not right. And it’s not fair, either. I’m making myself dizzy when I hear Cyrus’ car arrive. He doesn’t even pull into a parking slot. He rolls down his window and smiles at me, his brown eyes shining. “Get in, slut. We’re going shopping.”

  I shake my head and laugh. After closing the door behind me, I walk around the car, or rather, hop around it, my shoes still in my hand. When I climb into the passenger seat, he turns to look at me. “What happened?”

  “Long story,” I say. “I’ll tell you on the way.”

  “Okay,” he replies.

  “I got into a fight with my closet and then went swimming with Montgomery,” I say.

  He laughs. “Super long story,” he says. “Did you kiss?”

  “Did I kiss what?”

  “Montgomery,” he says as he rolls his eyes. “Did you kiss Montgomery?”

  “No,” I say and slap him playfully on the back of the head. “Get your head right, boy. It’s never going to happen.”

  “But you guys would be so cute together,” he says, his voice a whine.

  “Until it explodes,” I say.

  Cyrus laughs, throwing his head back. For the first time since he arrived, I really look at him. He has recently had a haircut, his dark brown hair short and buzzed. He’s the most clean-cut person I know, except for the one helix piercing on his left ear. He always wears a little rainbow-colored bead. I’ve always found it to be subtle and playful, just like he is.

  “I’m just saying,” he says. “You should go for it.”

  I lick my lips. “No,” I say. “I’m going to be a priest.”

  He furrows his brow but doesn’t say anything.

  “I’m just scared,” I say.

  He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. “I know, buddy,” he says. “Dr. Hottie will help.”

  “I thought you were advocating for Montgomery,” I say with a snicker.

  “I’ll take what I can get,” he replies.

  I roll my eyes. “I’m not interested in Lawrence,” I say. “And in any case, he’s straight.”

  “No one is straight,” he says, waving his hand slowly in front of his face when he continues. “Sexuality is a spectrum.”

  I laugh. “Fine,” I say. “Whatever. So what’s going on with you?”

  “I’ll tell you later,” he says. “Once you get your appointment with Dr. Hottie out of the way with. Deal?”

  “Okay,” I reply, smiling at him. “Deal.”

  We get to school. It’s across the bridge and parking is a nightmare, so Cyrus tells me he’ll meet me at the park later. I nod, put on my shoes and walk—or limp, rather—until I get to the building. Students aren’t paying attention to me, which is good because I’m sure I look ridiculous with my shoes barely on and hopping toward the glass doors. They open and let me into the cool, air-conditioned building. I don’t have to go far to get to Lawrence’s door, but it pains me to get there.

  I knock on the door to his office softly. There is a long pause before I hear him telling me to come in, his voice low. I do as I’m told, pushing the door open. Lawrence’s office is large and airy. It’s a little too modern for his taste, I think, but there’s nothing he can do about that other than pile old tomes on the grey desk.

  He’s sitting back on the chair, his fingers interlaced in front of him. “Alejandro,” he says, not even lifting his head to look at me. “Please. Come in.”

  “Hi,” I say as I approach him.

  “What happened to you?” he asks, finally looking me up and down.

  “I’m fine,” I reply. “I mean, I think I will be.”

  “Sit down,” he says. He stands up and walks around the desk to pull out a chair for me
. I do as I’m told, flashing him a smile.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” he says. He walks around the desk again and cocks his head, his eyes narrowing a little. “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you look terrible.”

  I laugh, shaking my head. I think this is the first time Lawrence has ever commented on my appearance. “I think this is my first, uh, crisis of faith,” I say. “You know. In a very long time.”

  He nods. “That makes sense,” he says. “I mean, a big change is coming.”

  I lick my lips, which are dry. “What if I don’t want things to change?”

  He tilts his head and says nothing, waiting for me to continue.

  “I just… I like it here,” I say. “I like who I am right now. I mean, other than being a confused mess, everything is okay. I don’t want to change it. I don’t want to commit to something sacred that I won’t be able to uphold. I’m already doubting it and—”

  He puts his hand up. “Wait,” he says. “Do you think priests never doubt?”

  “No,” I reply, licking my lips again. “I mean, I know they do. I just… I can’t even pray about this. It feels like I’m going to disappoint God.”

  I can tell he’s holding back laughter.

  I roll my eyes. “Oh, you know what I mean,” I say.

  “I do,” he says. “Alejandro, how long have you wanted to be a priest for?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, swallowing down the knot in my throat. “A long time.”

  He nods. “Yes,” he says. “And can you remember why?”

  “Because I want to help people,” I hear myself say.

  “Right,” he replies. “Because you want to help people. But you don’t need to be a priest to help people, right?”

  I blink. I suppose he’s right, but right now, I have no answers. I lean forward and bury my head in my hands. I don’t want to be dramatic, but this is weighing on me far more than I expected it to, and my heart is beating so fast in my chest that I think I might actually faint.

  Fuck. I told myself I wasn’t going to be a baby about this, yet here I am. A total fucking baby. I’m sure I’m not making Lawrence’s life any easier.

  I can’t see him through my hands, but I can hear him getting up and walking toward his vintage mini-fridge. Through the spaces in my fingers, I can see him placing a bottle of water on the desk in front of me.

  “It’s okay,” he says. “Take your time.”

  “It’s not,” I say, grabbing the bottle and twisting the cap off. “It’s just how I thought I could help. I always wanted to be, I don’t know, a conduit to God.”

  He remains quiet.

  “But if I don’t get to be that, then what good am I?”

  “Are only priests good people?”

  “No,” I say, biting the inside of my shirt. “No, and I know not all of them are good people.”

  “Right.”

  “I know a person doesn’t have to be a priest to be good,” I say. “I just thought… I don’t know, maybe I did.”

  He looks me up and down. The silence stretches between us, uncomfortable and heavy, twisted, making me breathless.

  “Because of your personal life.”

  I bite down on my lower lip. “No,” I say. “I don’t think God has any problems with who I’m attracted to. I mean, he created me like this, right?”

  “And you don’t think it’s a sin?”

  “No,” I say. “Or if it is, I’m sure it’s one I’ll be forgiven for.”

  Lawrence nods. “Right,” he says. “But not becoming a priest is unforgivable?”

  “Not unforgivable,” I say. “I’m just afraid of taking the wrong path. One God doesn’t want from me.”

  “What do you want from you?”

  “I want… I don’t know,” I say. “That’s the thing, right? I don’t know what I want.”

  “You want to help people.”

  “Yes.”

  “You want to feel close to God.”

  I narrow my eyes. “I think so,” I say. “But maybe that’s selfish.”

  “Maybe,” he says. “But it is your life. You get to be selfish about your own life.”

  “Do I?”

  He nods. “To an extent,” he says. “Listen. You need to find something that’s going to make you happy, because this is a huge commitment. You’re what, twenty-two?”

  “Yes, going on fifty,” I reply.

  He laughs. He looks so much younger when he laughs, it’s like all the lines disappear from his face. “You’re going to figure it out,” he says. “But I can’t tell you what to do.”

  “It would be so much easier if you did,” I reply. He laughs again, as if I’ve just told him the world’s most hilarious joke. This is helping, though not with coming to a decision.

  “I’m sure it would,” he says. “It wouldn’t be right, though. This is something you have to decide for yourself.”

  I sigh. “I know you’re right,” I say. “I just… I don’t know.”

  He cocks his head, wrinkling his nose slightly. “Why don’t you stay?”

  “What?”

  “You could stay,” he says. “You could help me out while I work. It’d give you an idea of what I do here.”

  “How would that help?”

  He flashes a Cheshire smile at me, his eyes shining. “Well,” he says. “You can see what I do here. Maybe a life of religious service isn’t right for you, but I consider myself a useful man. I try to make a difference in how other people about their life. Young people, like you.”

  “I, uh…”

  “I normally wouldn’t offer this to anyone,” he says. “But I trust you and I know that you need some help figuring out what to do in the future. I figure I can provide that help, even if I have to do it in a roundabout way.”

  I bite my lower lip. I think I would jump on this opportunity any other time, but right now, I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. On the other hand, I may not get a chance like this again.

  Cyrus is waiting outside for me and he hasn’t told me his news, either. I want to know what’s going on with him. He’s always been such a good friend to me. I can’t bail on him now. Everything has been about me for the last couple of years and I don’t want to be shitty.

  I close my eyes as I think about what I should do.

  “Thank you, that sounds great.”

  “Actually, my friend is waiting for me…”

  Lawrence smiles, his face lighting up. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get through an entire day of this. I might have told Cyrus that I don’t have a chance with Lawrence—and I don’t—but it’s hard not to get carried away when it comes to him.

  He’s about twenty years older than me, with salt-and-pepper hair, a perfectly trimmed black beard and light eyes, though I have never been close enough to him to know what color they are.

  “Good,” he says. “I think this will be good for you.”

  I swallow. “I’m just going to let my friend know,” I say. “He’s waiting for me.”

  He narrows his eyes slightly and then nods. I take my phone out of my pocket, text Cyrus to tell him I’ll meet up with him later and thank him for the lift once more, and then stuff my phone back in my pocket. There’s a moment when I can feel Lawrence staring at me, his eyes narrow. He’s not being discreet about it and I can feel my cheeks starting to burn.

  I don’t know why I’m embarrassed. I clear my throat and stuff my phone back into my pocket. I flash Lawrence a trembling smile. “Okay,” I say. “So what do I have to do?”

  “Mostly just sit there,” he says. “Some students won’t be okay with you being here, so you’ll have to leave. I have a feeling most won’t care.”

  I nod. “What do you talk to them about?”

  His smile widens. “What do I talk to you about?”

  I laugh and shake my head. “I don’t have any way to take notes,” I say.

  “Don’t
worry about that,” he replies. He opens a drawer and grabs a notebook. Then he reaches forward to hand me a pen. Our fingers touch, just for a second, when he’s giving the pen to me. I can feel my cheeks reddening, the nausea building up in my throat. I tell myself to stop being dramatic.

  He’s just giving me a pen. I grab it and smile. “Okay,” I say. “I’m ready to get to work.”

  CONTINUE

  I appreciate the offer, and if it was for any other day, I would take it. Cyrus keeps hinting that he needs to talk to me about something big, though, and after he gave me a lift to meet Lawrence I think it would probably be shitty to leave him high and dry. Especially because the last few weeks—months, maybe years—have all been about me.

  Cyrus is a pretty laid-back person, so when he gets excited about something happening in his life, I’m always sure it’s a big deal. I could stay here and try to figure my own life out, but I also need to be his friend. I don’t want to lose him.

  I swallow. “Thank you,” I say. “I appreciate the offer. Is there a chance we can do it a different day? I just have a friend waiting for me and—”

  He waves his hand in front of his face. “Of course,” he says. “Say no more. I understand.”

  I smile at him, a little weakly. I regret saying I won’t do it almost immediately. This feels important and I’m sure Cyrus would get it.

  “Just don’t take too long,” Lawrence says. “I have to make sure I can fit you in my schedule and you have to decide if going to seminary is something you do want.”

  I bite the inside of my cheek. “Thank you,” I say. “Seriously.”

  “It’s okay,” he replies, shrugging his shoulders. “Worse comes to worst, you can flip a coin.”

  His expression is almost completely blank and I can’t tell if he’s making a joke. “Uh, right,” I say. “Well, excuse me, then.”

  He nods. I get to my feet and wobble away from his office, recounting the conversation in my head until I’ve pulled it apart into nothingness.