My Favorite Sin

by Lina Langley

“I’m going to do this.”

  Cyrus puts his arm around me. “I know,” he says. “You got this, baby.”

  He lets me go and smiles at me. I take another deep breath as I finish inputting my credit card security number and the website starts to celebrate, little graphic streamers appearing out of nowhere.

  Congratulations, Alejandro Del Bosque! We look forward to seeing you in September for orientation.

  There’s more after that, but I don’t read any of it. I slam my laptop shut, put it on my bed and stare at the wall.

  Cyrus turns to look at me. “Congratulations, babe,” he says. “We should celebrate.”

  I nod, but I avoid looking at him. I don’t think I’m in the mood for celebrating.

  CONTINUE

  I didn’t expect the celebration to start the very night that I’ve accepted the position at seminary, but Cyrus went out to buy beer immediately and Montgomery came home with whisky and coke. I don’t know if Cyrus texted Montgomery about it, but they’ve been plying me with alcohol and food all night long, which is making me forget that I made a fool of myself and that I want Lawrence more than I want to go to seminary.

  No, I tell myself. I want to fuck Lawrence more than I want to go seminary. I don’t want him more than that, because I can’t want him more than that. It would just make things weird between us if I got to do that.

  Montgomery isn’t talking to me, not really. I need to clear the air with him, and I really need everything to be okay with us. I’m drunk enough to sit between him and Cyrus. It makes Cyrus laugh, but Montgomery rolls his eyes.

  “Can we talk?” I ask him. Cyrus holds my hand while I talk to Montgomery, which I appreciate.

  “Sure,” he says. “You’re already talking.”

  “I want to apologize,” I say. “I shouldn’t have left you. For what it’s worth, I learned my lesson.”

  He cocks his head, then laughs quietly. “You didn’t have to apologize,” he says. “Thank you for going to pick me up in the first place. I was tipsy and annoyed. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

  I smile and shake my head. “I should have stayed with you,” I say. “It was mean-spirited to leave you there alone.”

  He laughs again. “No, don’t worry about it, choirboy,” he says. “You came to get me and you got in trouble. It didn’t surprise that you had to take care of yourself.”

  “Should have taken care of you, too,” I say.

  “Not your responsibility, choirboy,” he says, looking me up and down. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look… pale.”

  I nod. “Yeah,” I say. “I’m totally okay. I’m totally fine.”

  Suddenly, a brilliant idea occurs to me. I stand up, a smile on my face. “In fact,” I say. “I’m so okay that I’m going to call Lawrence and clear the air right now. I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

  Cyrus watches me. “That is such a bad idea—”

  Montgomery scowls. “You should really wait until you sober up—”

  “No,” I say. “This is what I have to do. I want to make things okay. I need to stop running away from my problems and face this head on. I’m going to call him.”

  Cyrus and Montgomery exchange a look. “Such a bad idea,” Cyrus says. “You really shouldn’t call him right now.”

  “Fuck you, you can’t tell me what to do,” I reply, leaning down to get in his face. My eyes are watering when I look at him. “You don’t know what this is like. You could get anyone you want.”

  “Really?” Cyrus says, raising his eyebrows. “I don’t know if that’s true.”

  “Hot musician with huge following,” I say as I point at him. Then I point at Montgomery. “Hot bartender with motorcycle. Both of you, you probably find it sooo easy.”

  “Alex,” Cyrus says, obviously trying to stop the smile. “You’re really drunk. Why don’t you sleep it off?”

  “He’s right, choirboy,” Montgomery says. “Let’s get you to bed.”

  He stands up and grabs my hand to pull me toward my bedroom, but I have managed to make my body a sturdy and unmovable trunk. Montgomery can’t move me, but when Cyrus grabs me by the waist, there’s very little I can do. My body gives in as they both push me toward my bedroom. They finally manage to push me back toward my bed, though I’m not entirely sure how. “This is not cool,” I say.

  “You’ll thank me tomorrow,” Cyrus says, then flashes me my phone and grins. “Stay in there.”

  “You heard the man,” Montgomery says. “We’ll come and kick your ass otherwise.”

  I stick my tongue out at them, but then they close my bedroom door, and I know it’s pointless to try and fight them. There’s no way I can do anything but stay here, by my door, and stew.

  They might not be willing to help me, but that doesn’t mean they can stop me. I need to talk to Lawrence and I’m going to do it whether they want me to or not.

  CONTINUE

  I wait a while, mostly so I can make sure that the two of them are engaged in a lively conversation before I even step foot outside my window. I’ve never found my window difficult to pry open until now, when it feels like it keeps slipping away from me, but I finally manage to open it enough to know I can fit through it.

  The night air is cool, but it’s summer and it doesn’t get cold here at night, so I’m not worried about being exposed to the elements. I don’t have a phone, which probably means I’m going to have to walk all the way across the bridge. It’s a decent forty-five minutes away, at least, but it’ll give me time to think about what I’m going to say to him.

  I get up on the window ledge and jump onto the thin green strip outside my window. The apartment complex is very persnickety about the fake grass here so I’m sure I’m going to get an earful later. It doesn’t matter, though, because it provides a soft landing place for me when I fall on my ass. I snicker and get my ear close to the window to make sure they haven’t heard me.

  It doesn’t look like they have, so I get up and start walking. It’s a nice night and the walk doesn’t seem like it takes that long. It’s scenic, too, with blinking lights all around the bridge.

  I’m surprised when I get to his place, because it seems like I’ve managed to retain his address in my memory far better than I thought I had. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find it in between all the dirt roads, but his house is very unique and it’s hard to miss.

  I smile as I walk up to his door. It suddenly occurs to me that he might have guests or not be at home, but I figure I can just wait until he comes back—or until his guests go away. I knock on the door and put my head on it, suddenly aware of just how tired I am.

  When he doesn’t answer immediately, I realize that this might not have been the brightest idea I’ve ever had, especially because there are no footsteps coming my way. Shit, I’m such an idiot. I should have listened to Cyrus, or at least attempted to call Lawrence before I came.

  I’m too tired to go back home and this place is weird and scary in the dark, so I sit down on the swinging chair in Lawrence’s porch and tell myself I only need to wait for him. I close my eyes for a minute, but then open them straightaway when I hear the door being opened.

  Lawrence looks like he was in bed, with his hair all disheveled and his clothes all wrinkles. He’s wearing a light short-sleeved shirt that shows off his arms and checkered pajama pants. “Alejandro,” he says, obviously trying not to sound too surprised. "Are you okay?”

  I nod. “I’m okay,” I say. “I needed to… fuck, sorry, I should have called, but Cyrus took away my phone and now—”

  Lawrence approaches me. While he’s walking toward me, the light on the porch turns on, and I can see his face. “Are you drunk?” he asks quietly.

  “I’m not sober,” I reply, looking away from him. My cheeks are red.

  “Right,” he says. “How did you get here?”

  “Walked,” I reply.

  Lawrence shakes his head as he bites down on his lip. I can’t be sure, but I thin
k he’s trying to fight back a smile. “Let me drive you home, Alejandro.”

  “No,” I say, standing up. “No, don’t drive me home. I came here, I needed, fuck, I needed to talk to you, so I decided to come here. Sorry I keep swearing, shit, okay, sorry.”

  I can hear myself, but it’s like I can’t stop the words coming out of my mouth.

  “It’s okay,” he says. “You can swear around me, Alejandro. I’m an adult.”

  “Okay,” I reply. “I just… look, I need to talk to you.”

  “I know,” he replies. He sits down next to me and exhales. “I’ll give you ten minutes. How does that sound?”

  “Bullshit,” I reply. “Sounds like crap.”

  This time, he laughs, throwing his head back. Then his expression schools, little lines appearing around his eyes. He’s so beautiful like this, when he’s backlit by the porch light, the blue in his eyes deeper and darker than ever.

  I look him up and down. “I don’t want to talk,” I say.

  He tils his head slightly. “Okay.”

  “I know what I just said,” I continue. “But I don’t want to talk. I know exactly what I want to do now, Lawrence.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I swallow, then put my head on his shoulder. I know it’s a bold move, I know it’s a little much, but fuck it. I don’t want to stop myself from doing anything I want to do anymore and this is what I want to do. “I’m going to seminary,” I say. “But before I go, my friends are always telling me to live my life.”

  He doesn’t move away from me. “Good,” he says, his voice quiet and harsh. “I’m glad you’ve figured out what you’re doing.”

  I move away from him, my eyes wide. “But I figured it out,” I say. “I figured out how to live my life before I go.”

  “Okay…”

  “With you,” I say, a smile on my face. He’s watching me, his eyes wide. I try to close the space between us to kiss him and our mouths are millimeters away from each other when he moves his face to the side.

  “Alejandro…”

  “I’m not a student anymore,” I say, aware that my voice is a whine and totally hating it. “It wouldn’t be an ethical violation to let me sit on your lap, you know.”

  He turns around. For the first time since I got here, he reaches out and traces the outline of my face. “Why must you make this so hard for me?”

  I lick my lips and look him up and down, wiggling my eyebrows when our gaze meets. “I’m hard too.”

  He laughs. “No,” he says. “We’re not doing that. Come in and sleep it off, or I can drive you home.”

  “Those both sound like terrible choices,” I say as I narrow my eyes at him, then tilt my head a little. “Wait. Can I sleep it off in your bed?”

  “Sure,” he says after a little while.

  I smile at him and practically jump up when he gets off the swinging chair. I follow him into his apartment and then into his bedroom. I start to take my shirt off, turn around, and try to beckon him toward me, but he’s not there anymore.

  He’s gone, and he has closed the door behind him.

  I think about going to get him for a second, but I know better. I’ve been defeated, and in any case, the bed looks comfortable as fuck, is unmade, and I’m sure it smells like him.

  Maybe I can sleep it off after all.

  CONTINUE

  When I wake up, my head is throbbing. It takes me a little while to remember where I am, and when it sinks in that this is Lawrence’s bed that I’ve spent the night on, I feel like absolute shit. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking last night, all I know is that I made a huge fool of myself and I owe Lawrence a giant apology.

  I chuckle a little as I remember that he told me I could sleep it off in his bed, but he never said anything about joining him. This is very much like him, and it’s extremely kind. In truth, I don’t know what to do with myself, because I know I’m going to have to face him the moment I leave his bedroom and that worries me.

  I don’t know at what point in the night I managed to take off my clothes, but it feels like a lifetime ago. As I try to navigate Lawrence’s bedroom, which is bigger and sparser than mine, I realize that I must have thrown them all around me. The place is beautiful and light, and if it was any other time, I would take a moment to enjoy the beauty of it.

  As things stand, all I really want to do is make sure that I can leave as soon as possible. Maybe I can sneak out again and try to make it back to my place, but the truth is I can’t face going outside by myself when it’s this sunny.

  And maybe drunk me didn’t have the world’s worst plan. I do need to talk to Lawrence and at least clear the air between us before I go, because I would feel very badly if things ended poorly between us because I can’t keep my dick in my pants.

  I should know better than this. I should be better than this. I put on my clothes as I look at his bed, which did smell like him, and steel myself to go out of his bedroom and beg for forgiveness. My clothes smell like sweat and beer and disappointment, but when I open the door, the smell that fills my nose is food.

  Delicious, mouth-watering food. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smell cheese, garlic and butter coming from the kitchen. I try to be quiet about walking toward him. It might just be my hangover, but my steps feel thunderous.

  When I finally get there, he looks over his shoulder to smile at me. “Good morning,” he says. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

  “’Sok,” I reply, my mouth dry. “I’m… I don’t even know where to start.”

  “How about with some ibuprofen?” he says. He reaches into a cupboard above him and hands me a bottle of ibuprofen. “There’s coffee on the pot.”

  I swallow, which is a struggle. “Thank you,” I say.

  “Of course,” he replies and hands me a mug. I serve myself some coffee, tip the ibuprofen into my hand, and then swallow three pills all at once. Lawrence is watching me while I do this, looking slightly more amused than I think he should.

  “Thanks again,” I say. “For everything.”

  “You’re welcome,” he replies. “I figured you’d want some food. It’ll help your head.”

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I feel like such an idiot,” I say.

  “It’s okay,” he replies. “I understand. Believe it or not, I was young once, too.”

  “Yes, but I don’t think you were as young and stupid as I was last night,” I say into my cup of coffee.

  “In different ways, I certainly was,” he replies. “And they were much riskier.”

  I shake my head and swallow. I set my gaze on him. “You’re a good man,” I say. “And I’m sorry I keep pushing you. If you don’t want… since you don’t want anything to happen, I’ll stop. I’ll go away, and you’ll never hear from me again.”

  He cocks his head. “You think I don’t want anything to happen?”

  “No,” I reply and look up, my eyes filled with tears. “Yes. I don’t know what I think.”

  “You do,” he says. He extends an arm out and strokes the outline of my cheek with the back of his finger. “You know it perfectly well. I just…”

  “What?” I say, biting my lower lip.

  He drops his hand to his side. “I am—was—in a position of power over you for so long, I don’t know if this is okay. I don’t know if it’s even okay to want you.”

  I look at him. He’s so fucking beautiful, and every word feels like a stab in my heart. “It’s okay to want me,” I say, taking a step closer to him. “I want you to want me.”

  I look up so that my face is close to his face. He doesn’t take a step back and he doesn’t move away from me. “It’s really natural for a student to develop feelings for their—”

  I stop him by kissing him, pressing my lips softly against him, closing my eyes as I do so. I put my hands on his cheeks and move away from him. “Yes,” I say. “Natural. Is it natural for you to want me, then?”

  “Alejandro,” he says. He’
s putting his arm around my waist and holding me close to him. I can feel his erection through the fabric of his pajamas, and when he kisses me again, I don’t resist. I give myself to him completely, opening my mouth to let his expert tongue in. He moves his face away from me and groans.

  “You want me,” I say, moving my hand from his face down to his chest, stopping on his chest, which is harder than I expected, and then his stomach. I move my hand down another few inches to find his erection and I touch it lightly over his clothes. “I can tell how much you want me.”

  I watch his Adam’s apple work as he swallows. “You don’t understand the implications of all this,” he says.

  “Yes, I do,” I reply as I slowly move the tips of my fingers so they are under his waistband. I’m touching his pubic hair and it’s making him groan, especially as I start moving my hand closer to his cock. “I’m not a student anymore. You won’t get in trouble.”

  “It’s not just about me getting in trouble,” he says. He doesn’t stop me, though, he doesn’t move away and he doesn’t try to move away either. He just stands there as I kiss his neck and continue getting my hand closer and closer to his cock. He groans as I finally put my hand around his hardened cock, which seems impressive from where I am. I start jacking him off, slowly, as he keeps talking. He throws his head back.

  “You don’t understand the power difference,” he says with a moan. “I know everything about you and you…”

  “I do understand the power difference,” I say. “Do you know how many times I’ve thought about you pinning me down on your desk and fucking me until I scream? Do you know how many times I’ve thought about tasting your come in my mouth?”

  He swallows as I get on my knees. When I look up at him, his eyes are glassy. “I don’t,” he says.

  “I know you want to come on my face, Lawrence,” I say. I’ve no idea what’s gotten into me, but this seems to be working, he isn’t pulling away, and I want him to give in. He wants me. I need him to want me. “I know you want to make me all yours.”

  I finally move his pants down his legs. My breath is sharp when I look at his cock, which is gorgeous, uncut, and so very, very hard.