CONSTABLE OVER THE STILE a perfect feel-good read from one of Britain’s best-loved authors (Constable Nick Mystery Book 20)
Page 21
The figure was racing towards the village, no doubt thinking the gate was still open but then our temporary gatekeeper gave the game away by shouting something and waving his torch as the fleeing suspect approached. The result was that my quarry turned suddenly left and made for the railings which surrounded the field. Beyond was a patch of uncultivated land with trees and shrubs; if he got into that kind of natural cover, I could easily lose him . . .
But I was gaining. I shouted for him to halt but this had no effect. I could hear the distressed, high-pitched panting of my quarry and then he tripped over a clump of grass as he left the smoothness of the cut field and entered the roughness of the surrounding area. That momentary stumble interrupted his flight and allowed me to gain precious ground. By the time he reached the wooden fence, I was close enough to risk a rugby tackle. I launched myself and managed to secure a firm grip around the thighs of my prey, just above the knees. This brought him tumbling to the ground with a high-pitched cry of alarm and terror and within seconds, I had secured an armlock. At this stage, my helper arrived, closely followed by Alf Ventress, Stan Calvert and the others.
But, as Alf’s torch shone upon the face of our captive, we were amazed to find it was a young woman — and one I had never seen before. Of medium height and build with lovely auburn hair tied back in a pony-tail, she was dressed in dark denim overalls. I guessed she was in her early twenties. I was momentarily stunned by this, but recovered in time to chant the official caution before telling her she was being arrested for causing malicious damage to Aidensfield cricket pitch. She said nothing in reply.
‘I’m taking you to Ashfordly Police Station,’ I told her. ‘What’s your name? We need to contact your relatives.’
Again, she said nothing.
‘We can trace them through the van’s registration number,’ I said. ‘It’s only a matter of time.’
By this stage of the proceedings, everyone had gathered around to look at the person responsible for these senseless acts of damage, and when I asked if anyone knew the girl, they all shook their heads.
‘OK,’ I said. ‘Alf, you can drive me and the prisoner . . .’
‘Prisoner?’ she spat like a cat. ‘Prisoner? What do you mean, prisoner?’
‘You are a prisoner,’ I said firmly. ‘You are under arrest for causing malicious damage and you will be subjected to the full weight of the law. You will now be taken to Ashfordly Police Station where you will be formally charged. Stan, leave the van and rotavator where they are for now. I’ll take the van keys, and perhaps you can lock the gate when we’ve gone? That’ll keep the van here until we remove it.’
‘Sure, Nick. You will try to find out who she is and why she’s done this?’
‘We will,’ I said, making sure I did not relax my grip on this woman.
To cut short a long story, she was Fiona Nelson, the daughter of Walter Nelson, the newcomer to Sundial House at Ploatby. It seems she had developed some kind of passion for Miles Dyson, the Elsinby fast bowler but he had shown absolutely no interest in her. The current focus of his attention was Moira O’Sullivan, the girl who acted as the scorer for Elsinby whenever they played away from home. When they played home games, the scorer was an elderly man called Jack Simpson who’d done the job for years, but who found it most difficult to cope with steps and difficult accesses at the away teams’ premises. Moira had therefore volunteered to stand in for him during away matches.
Fiona, in her desperate attempt to get Miles to notice her, had hit upon the idea of sabotaging the pitches of the clubs who were hosting Elsinby’s away matches, the idea being that Elsinby would have to play on another pitch, i.e. their own, and that Moira would not be there because she would not be scoring. She only came to cricket matches when she was scoring, so Fiona had discovered. This left the field open for Fiona, so she had calculated, but her first act of damage misfired because Thackerston played on the damaged pitch. Following that, Fiona made greater attempts to damage the wicket areas to enforce a change of venue. When I asked her about the significance of the letter J, she shook her head.
‘It’s nothing; I just went across the field and turned around to come home, then switched off the blades.’
In visiting her parents to compile her antecedent history, it seems they had moved to Ploatby because she’d got a fixation for a vicar at their previous address and insisted on going into the church to ring the bells as a sign of her undying love.
In our case, the lovesick Fiona was put on probation for two years by Eltering Magistrates and the bench made an order for her to repay the costs of any repairs. We all knew that her father would pay — he’d already made that offer. It was also a condition of her probation that she did not visit any of the cricket fields within the Southern Moors League over the next two years. I didn’t think this restriction would trouble her too much because, in court, I did see her eyeing the rather dashing young journalist who was present in the press gallery that morning.
‘Well done, Rhea,’ said Sergeant Blaketon when it was all over. ‘It’s funny what women will do in the pursuit of love.’
‘She was a little on the simple side,’ I said. ‘She’s a nice girl, but the family have problems with her. She keeps falling in love and letting the whole world know about it when things go wrong.’
‘So Rotavating Ronnie was a woman after all. Well, it’s finished, Rhea. In some ways, you’ve got to feel sorry for a girl like that. And her parents, of course. And did you know that rotavator is a palindrome, Rhea? A word spelt the same backwards as it is forwards? Probably the longest such word in our language?’
‘And did you know that the longest known palindrome in the English language is “Dog as a devil deified; deified lived as a god,”’ I asked.
He smiled. ‘Or, as Napoleon is reputed to have said, “Able was I ere I saw Elba!”’
To which I added, ‘And as Adam said when he met Eve — “Madam, I’m Adam.”’
THE END
ALSO BY NICHOLAS RHEA
CONSTABLE NICK MYSTERIES
Book 1: CONSTABLE ON THE HILL
Book 2: CONSTABLE ON THE PROWL
Book 3: CONSTABLE AROUND THE VILLAGE
Book 4: CONSTABLE ACROSS THE MOORS
Book 5: CONSTABLE IN THE DALE
Book 6: CONSTABLE BY THE SEA
Book 7: CONSTABLE ALONG THE LANE
Book 8: CONSTABLE THROUGH THE MEADOW
Book 9: CONSTABLE IN DISGUISE
Book 10: CONSTABLE AMONG THE HEATHER
Book 11: CONSTABLE BY THE STREAM
Book 12: CONSTABLE AROUND THE GREEN
Book 13: CONSTABLE BENEATH THE TREES
Book 14: CONSTABLE IN CONTROL
Book 15: CONSTABLE IN THE SHRUBBERY
Book 16: CONSTABLE VERSUS GREENGRASS
Book 17: CONSTABLE ABOUT THE PARISH
Book 18: CONSTABLE AT THE GATE
Book 19: CONSTABLE AT THE DAM
Book 20: CONSTABLE OVER THE STILE
Book 21: CONSTABLE UNDER THE GOOSEBERRY BUSH
Book 22: CONSTABLE IN THE FARMYARD
Book 23: CONSTABLE AROUND THE HOUSES
Book 24: CONSTABLE ALONG THE HIGHWAY
Book 25: CONSTABLE OVER THE BRIDGE
Book 26: CONSTABLE GOES TO MARKET
Book 27: CONSTABLE ALONG THE RIVERBANK
Book 28: CONSTABLE IN THE WILDERNESS
Book 29: CONSTABLE AROUND THE PARK
Book 30: CONSTABLE ALONG THE TRAIL
Book 31: CONSTABLE IN THE COUNTRY
Book 32: CONSTABLE ON THE COAST
Book 33: CONSTABLE ON VIEW
Book 34: CONSTABLE BEATS THE BOUNDS
Book 35: CONSTABLE AT THE FAIR
Book 36: CONSTABLE OVER THE HILL
Book 37: CONSTABLE ON TRIAL
MORE COMING SOON
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GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH USAGE FOR US READERS
A & E: accident and emergency department in a hospital
Aggro: violent behaviour, aggression
Air raid: an attack in which bombs are dropped from aircraft on ground targets
Allotment: a plot of land rented by an individual for growing fruit, vegetable or flowers
Anorak: nerd (it also means a waterproof jacket)
Artex: textured plaster finish for walls and ceilings
A level: exams taken between 16 and 18
Auld Reekie: Edinburgh
Au pair: live-in childcare helper. Often a young woman.
Barm: bread roll
Barney: argument
Beaker: glass or cup for holding liquids
Beemer: BMW car or motorcycle
Benefits: social security
Bent: corrupt
Bin: wastebasket (noun), or throw in rubbish (verb)
Biscuit: cookie
Blackpool Lights: gaudy illuminations in a seaside town
Bloke: guy
Blow: cocaine
Blower: telephone
Blues and twos: emergency vehicles
Bob: money
Bobby: policeman
Broadsheet: quality newspaper (New York Times would be a US example)
Brown bread: rhyming slang for dead
Bun: small cake
Bunk: escape, i.e. ‘do a bunk’
Burger bar: hamburger fast-food restaurant
Buy-to-let: buying a house/apartment to rent it out for profit
Charity shop: thrift store
Carrier bag: plastic bag from supermarket
Care home: an institution where old people are cared for
Car park: parking lot
CBeebies: kids TV
Chat-up: flirt, trying to pick up someone with witty banter or compliments
Chemist: pharmacy
Chinwag: conversation
Chippie: fast-food place selling chips and other fried food
Chips: French fries but thicker
CID: Criminal Investigation Department
Civvy Street: civilian life (as opposed to army)
Clock: punch
Cock-up: mess up, make a mistake
Cockney: a native of East London
Common: an area of park land or lower class
Comprehensive school (Comp.): high school
Cop hold of: grab
Copper: police officer
Coverall: coveralls, or boiler suit
CPS: Crown Prosecution Service, decide whether police cases go forward
Childminder: someone who looks after children for money
Council: local government
Dan Dare: hero from Eagle comic
DC: detective constable
Deck: one of the landings on a floor of a tower block
Deck: hit (verb)
Desperate Dan: very strong comic book character
DI: detective inspector
Digestive biscuit: plain cookie
Digs: student lodgings
Do a runner: disappear
Do one: go away
Doc Martens: heavy boots with an air-cushioned sole
Donkey’s years: long time
Drum: house
DS: detective sergeant
ED: emergency department of a hospital
Eagle: boys’ comic
Early dart: to leave work early
Eggy soldiers: strips of toast with a boiled egg
Enforcer: police battering ram
Estate: public/social housing estate (similar to housing projects)
Estate agent: realtor (US)
Falklands War: war between Britain and Argentina in 1982
Fag: cigarette
Father Christmas: Santa Claus
Filth: police (insulting)
Forces: army, navy and air force
FMO: force medical officer
Fried slice: fried bread
Fuzz: police
Garda: Irish police
Gendarmerie: French national police force
Geordie: from Newcastle
Garden centre: a business where plants and gardening equipment are sold
Gob: mouth, can also mean phlegm or spit
GP: general practitioner, a doctor based in the community
Graft: hard work
Gran: grandmother
Hancock: Tony Hancock, English comedian popular in 1950s
Hard nut: tough person
HGV: heavy goods vehicle, truck
HOLMES: UK police computer system used during investigation of major incidents
Home: care home for elderly or sick people
Hoover: vacuum cleaner
I’ll be blowed: expression of surprise
Inne: isn’t he
Interpol: international police organisation
Into care: a child taken away from their family by the social services