One More Time

by Ali Parker

  I was breathing heavily, my chest heaving as I ranted, and I could keep going, spurred on by the confusion over why she’d done what she’d done and the anger that I’d let her slip through my fingers.

  Jared let me spew my fury all over him, calmly waiting for me to say what I needed to say. When I didn’t carry on, one of his brows rose above the black frames of his sunglasses.

  “You’re in love with her?”

  I felt like he slapped me when he said the words, but I realized that I’d said them first. Out loud. To Jared. And they were true. I hadn’t let myself really think about it before. I hadn’t wanted to. I told myself that it was fun, sex, that maybe I had feelings for her, but love?

  Fuck. I wasn’t prepared for that, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t true. Surprised and reluctant, I nodded as the full weight of that realization settled. “I think so. I think I’ve fallen for her.”

  “Wow, man, that’s big.”

  Both of my hands went to my hair, my fingers knotting on top of my head as I let it fall back, my eyes on the sky. “Yeah. Fuck. I know.”

  “What’re you going to do about it?”

  I focused on a particularly fluffy cloud and wished I could throw my newfound feelings for Kelly onto it and watch them drift away, just like the cloud was. Would’ve made my life a hell of a lot simpler.

  “Nothing. She ended it, Jared. It’s a good thing, too. She obviously wasn’t as into me as I am into her. At least this time, unlike with Elizabeth, it ended before I got seriously hurt. I’ll get over this.” Tearing my eyes from the cloud, I dropped my chin and kept my eyes on my brother.

  Sunglasses or no, I could see his brow was furrowed and his fists balled in the crooks of his elbows where his arms were still folded over his chest, the muscles in his arms suddenly rolling as he flexed. His pulse started beating in his temple.

  Yup. Brother dearest was about to explode. Sure enough, his hands shot out to his sides, and he ripped his dark glasses off his eyes, revealing turbulence in them that I hadn’t expected.

  “Are you kidding me? You’re not going to do anything? Because if that’s true, you don’t deserve her, and you don’t deserve to be happy with her. A man who doesn’t go after what he wants isn’t a man. He’s a coward. A pussy. You think you learned from your meeting with Elizabeth, but I don’t think you learned a thing. You were finally ready to give yourself a shot at everything you ever wanted. Congratulations on blowing it. Sulk away, Caleb. I promise I won’t interrupt your pity parties this time around.”

  Glaring at me for another second, his nostrils flaring and his shoulders locked as tight as Fort Knox, he turned on his heel and left. Jared strode across the parking lot to his car, ignored the paps screaming for him from the partition now that he was visible again, yanked open the door, and sped away.

  His tires squealed as he ripped out of the lot, nearly clipping the barricade in his haste to get away. Leaving me standing in his dust, almost literally, my throat was dry, and my rage was quickly fizzling out.

  Dark thoughts swirled from the corners of my mind as Jared’s words repeated over and over again. Was he right? Did I really not deserve Kelly, or the happiness I might’ve found with her? She’d ended things, but did I let her go just like that? Fuck.

  I thought I was respecting her wishes, but Jared made it sound like I was giving up. Was I?

  Fuck.

  This was why I didn’t do relationships. I sucked at this shit.

  Chapter 26

  Kelly

  There was a funny swirl on the ceiling of my hotel room. It didn’t look like it belonged there as part of the decor, but it also didn’t look like it could’ve been an accident. There was also a slight possibility that I was going out of my mind.

  I’d written up all I could about Destitute’s shows in San Diego and everything I could about the band on tour in general. Without work to distract me, I was stuck on thoughts of Caleb and the life we created together growing inside me.

  Logically, I knew that I had to call a doctor and make an appointment, but I’d only known for a couple of days, and I’d be out of L.A. for a few months yet, so going to my regular doctor was out of the question. I called a local doctor more to be able to set my mind at ease that I’d tried, but just as I suspected, she wasn’t taking new patients the week before Christmas. Her receptionist advised me to call again in the new year.

  So call again in the new year, I would, just not the doctor in San Diego. I’d have to see where the next tour stops were that we’d be stopped at for more than a night and take it from there. In the meantime, I’d ordered a prenatal vitamin, stopped drinking, and was regularly eating healthy, bland snacks—just like the app I downloaded suggested I should do.

  With my body, and subsequently my baby, taken care of, it was just my mind that was screwed. In no small measure thanks to said baby’s daddy and his sweeping declaration that he didn’t want kids anytime soon. Nine months or less was probably way too soon for him.

  I tore my attention away from the funny swirl when I imagined that I’d heard a soft knock at my door. Silence followed the knock, and just when I was sure that there hadn’t really been one, it sounded again.

  My heart jumped to my throat, and my pulse sped up. A big part of me hoped it was Caleb, while the more rational, realistic part of me knew it wasn’t. I hopped off the bed, stood still for a moment to wait for the nausea to pass, and then made my way to the door.

  “Kelly, were you sleeping? I didn’t want to wake you.” My sister’s blue eyes were dark with concern as she stepped past me into the room.

  “I wasn’t sleeping, just lying down,” I assured her, making my way back to the bed. Lying flat on my back helped make me feel better, though I had no idea why. I would have to remember to ask the doctor about that.

  “Are you okay?” Alicia asked, reaching out to brush some of my hair off my face. I hadn’t realized that I probably looked a mess, having lazed around my hotel room listlessly since breaking things off with Caleb the day before.

  I forced a tiny smile and propped myself up on my elbow to face her. “Sure. I’m just tired. Why?”

  Alicia sat on the corner of the bed, smoothing her pale blue sundress. She smelled like flowers and sunscreen. I would’ve thought the smell would trigger the nausea, but it didn’t. It reminded me too much of our childhood to nauseate me.

  Despite her relaxed appearance, I knew she’d been working her ass off. Probably sitting with her two laptops, phone, and tablet out by the pool with Jared while he lounged after practice. I also knew that Jared was frightfully protective about and selfish with the alone time they got, particularly on tour, so she had to be here for a reason.

  Her blue eyes met mine, a deep sadness in them combining with a lot of confusion. “Jared and Caleb had a talk after practice today. He told me Caleb said you’d broken it off with him. That you wanted to end things on a high note. I don’t understand what’s going on. Did you tell him about the baby?”

  “No.”

  “Why not? What happened? The last I heard, you were going over to talk to him.” Her brows drew together from worry. She folded her hands in her lap, looking at me quizzically.

  “I did. I went to talk to him, but before I could tell him, he told me that he would make a terrible father and that he didn’t want kids for a long, long time.” I felt the same dread I’d felt when he’d said the words filtering through me.

  “Kids? How did you get on to that topic without you telling him about the baby?” Tears jumped to my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was to recount everything that’d happened between Caleb and me that day, but I had to.

  I made Alicia some tea, grabbed my glass of water from the nightstand, and went to sit with her at the small seating area. Then I told her everything he’d told me about his visit with Elizabeth, all the way to the end of our conversation when I’d shut the door on my relationship with my baby’s father.

  Alicia gaped at me. “Of course he�
�s going to say that. He’d just seen his ex for god’s sake. She was the one talking to him about hypothetically having kids with her. You don’t know the context of their conversation, or what she said to make him say the things he was saying to you. She left him and cheated on him with his best friend. He hasn’t seen her for years. Do you really think he was in the right frame of mind for you to be taking cues about your baby from him after the visit he’d just had?”

  “You didn’t see him. He was so sure. He doesn’t want to be a father right now, Alicia. I’m not forcing that on him.” I sat up despite the wave of nausea that rolled over me at the movement. “I’m not forcing him on my child or my child on him.”

  She paused, snapping a hair tie from around her wrist and pulling her hair back as if she was preparing for battle. “It’s not just your child, though. It’s his too. Surely, he should have some kind of say about whether he wants to be in the child’s life. You can’t just decide for him that you’d be forcing this on him.”

  “He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want to be a father.” I’d heard of mood swings during pregnancy, but it was as if Alicia had flipped a switch in me. I’d gone from calm and complacent to annoyed, angry, and borderline teary in the space of a few minutes.

  Alicia scoffed and scooted her chair closer to me, defiance in her eyes. “Caleb doesn’t know what it means to be a father. A lot of people are scared of kids until they have them. Whatever that women said to him must’ve scared the crap out of him. It doesn’t mean he’s not going to want to be a dad to his kid.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. You’re not pregnant. I know Jared’s all up in the clouds with you right now, but what would he say if you got pregnant now? Would he give up his lifestyle, the touring, whatever all else they’ve got going on? And that’s while you’re his fiancée! Caleb and I weren’t even really officially dating or anything. This isn’t easy.”

  “I’m not pregnant,” Alicia confirmed, squaring her shoulders. “But I want to be.”

  “What?” Our argument fell by the wayside as her confession shocked my socks off. “What’re you talking about?”

  “Jared and I have talked about it. We’re going to start trying after the wedding.”

  “You are?” I couldn’t believe it. Jared Larsen wanted a baby? Now? It seemed impossible. He was a good guy when he wanted to be and to those people he chose to let in on that little secret, but I couldn’t imagine him wanting to be a father.

  “We are.” Alicia nodded, smiling softly. “Jared’s really excited about it. I know that you’ve seen it with Caleb too. They’re different than people think they are. You have to be honest with him, Kelly. Not telling him the truth has already screwed things up, and it’ll just keep doing it.”

  “How did I screw things up?” I did what was best for everyone concerned. Why didn’t Alicia understand that?

  “Jared said he’s not doing too well with the break up, to be honest. Look, I know what he said to you doesn’t sound good under the circumstances, but Caleb still deserves the truth. He can only really make a true decision about fatherhood after that. Lying doesn’t help either of you.”

  “I didn’t mean to lie to him,” I told her miserably. “He just looked so happy. I didn’t want to take that away.”

  Alicia’s tone gentled, and she crossed one of her legs under her, getting comfortable now for what would probably be the heart of our talk, now that the fight had left both of us. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe it would’ve made him happier? It would’ve been a shock, sure. But the two of you…”

  “I know.” Though my sister had trailed off, I knew exactly what she’d stopped short of saying. “Originally, it was just about sex.”

  “Tell me about it,” Alicia joked quietly, and I smiled, feeling tears welling in my eyes.

  “Yeah, you know all about that. But for you guys, it all worked out in the end.”

  “How do you know it won’t work out for you too? You of all people know what I had to go through with Jared to get to where we are now. If either of us had backed off at the first sign of trouble or disagreement, we would never even have started properly.”

  “I guess.” Alicia and Jared had gone through a hell of a lot to get to where they were. “Being with Caleb wasn’t just about sex after a while, or even about the glamor of being with a rock star. It became so much more than that.”

  “You wanna say it?” Alicia prodded, still wearing a small smile.

  The tears that had been building finally broke free, streaming down my face as I nodded. “I love him. I’m so damn in love with him it hurts to breathe, but what am I supposed to do? This way, at least we can still be friends, and I won’t lose him from my life completely. What if I tell him, and he pushes me away? I couldn’t stand that, Alicia. I can’t lose him completely. I just can’t.”

  Tears turned to sobs, wracking through my body. Alicia scooted over to me, wrapping her legs and her arms around me to comfort me with a full body hug, whispering soothingly to me as I finally broke down. I cried into my sister’s hair, totally clueless about what would happen after this.

  Would I ever even resurface after this dam that’d burst inside of me dragged me under as it was doing now, making it difficult to breathe as my broken heart spread anguish to every molecule of my body, to every fiber of my being?

  Chapter 27

  Caleb

  My knuckles wrapped at the plain wooden door. “Kelly? It’s me. Caleb.”

  Only four numbers in pale gold distinguished it from every other room in the hotel, but none of the other rooms inhabitants had the power over me that this one did. My stupid heart, so cold and dead for so fucking long, had sputtered back to life with a vengeance, throwing itself against my breastbone as I waited to see whether Kelly would open the door for me.

  “Just a minute,” she spoke from inside, surprise and something that sounded a lot like panic in her voice. I waited what felt like ten minutes before she finally opened the door.

  It’d only been days since I’d seen her, but the sight of her took my breath away. Those forest green eyes were wide in surprise, gorgeous pools that I would’ve fall into if I could’ve. Her long blonde hair had been pulled back into a messy bun low in her neck, tendrils hanging loose over a black U2 shirt.

  Seeing her back in one of her old band shirts made my heart swell and feel warm. It was an unfamiliar feeling, but it wasn’t one that I objected to. Her toned legs and that luscious ass were hidden beneath black tights, the shape of her body making mine come alive despite her modest clothing.

  “Caleb.” She just about whispered as she looked at me, blinking like she thought she was imagining me there. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to talk. Do you have a second?” I had no intention of leaving here until we talked, even if it meant sitting my ass down on the carpet outside her room and waiting until she was ready to. Jared’s words had haunted me all night the previous night and had stuck with me all day.

  He was right. I was a coward if I just walked away. I didn’t know what it was, but something had happened in between that perfect morning after Kelly and I had decided to give it a real try and that day that she came to see me after Elizabeth had been by.

  I needed to know what it was that had changed. More specifically, what had changed her mind about being with me. Then I needed to try changing it back, to convince her to give me a chance.

  Kelly gave me a long look, nodded once, and stepped aside. “Sure, I have a minute or so.”

  Dizzying relief made my body feel lighter. Step one of the plan was complete. She’d agreed to talk to me. So far so good.

  “Floor’s yours,” Kelly mumbled, not quite meeting my eyes. She went to sit on her bed as I stood just inside her door, shutting it behind me. “Have a seat if you’d like.”

  I shoved my hands in my pockets and leaned against the door, not trusting myself to go any deeper into her room, not yet. Kelly was on a bed, looking like all the dreams
I’d had about her since she’d left me.

  Being near her and a bed at the same time wasn’t a good idea, not until I’d said what I came to say and, hopefully, got her to agree to give me a second, third—whatever—chance. I got straight to the point. Mincing my words would only waste more time.

  “I’m not ready for things to end between us,” I admitted, my heart pounding as I said the words. “I was an idiot to let you walk out that day, but here I am. And I’m telling you the truth. I’m not ready to let you go just like that. Maybe it’s selfish, but I had to tell you.”

  “You’re not selfish,” she mumbled, tucking her knees to her chest and looping her arms around them.

  The way she was sitting made it look like she was trying to protect herself from something. It hit me with the force of a ton of bricks that it was me she was protecting herself from. “What happened, Kelly? Please tell me.”

  “Caleb, it’s not...” She trailed off, gulped in a deep breath of air, and tried again. “It’s not anything that you’re thinking. It’s just for the best this way. You’ve only just gotten closure about Elizabeth. You’ve got a lot of stuff to work through from that.”

  This was about Elizabeth? Kelly was the one who wanted me to talk to her, and thanks to that, I was finally ready to give relationships a chance again. I was confused as balls of thread that got all tangled in a washing machine. “Yeah, I have gotten closure from that now, but I’m not sure why that means we’ve gotta end.”

  “It’s just for the best this way,” Kelly breathed, but I could see her fighting with herself. There was something she wasn’t telling me.

  It was obviously something about Elizabeth or the talk I’d had with her. “I’ll admit that Elizabeth hurt me, and I’ll admit that I’m afraid of getting hurt like that again, but that doesn’t mean that I’m walking away from this. I’m done walking away. I’m done hiding. I don’t know why exactly you’re walking away, but I don’t think you should either.”