by Sarah Morgan
“No. She didn’t tell me that. She got in a boat? That must have been— I mean why would—”
“She was worried about me.”
“Oh right. Well that would explain it.”
“She fell in the water and totally freaked.”
“No kidding. I don’t suppose she’ll ever go near the water again.”
“I couldn’t believe she’d do that for me.”
“I can believe it. It’s how she is. She doesn’t make a fuss. She’s warmhearted and generous, and she genuinely cares about you. She had a tough time too when she was growing up.”
“I know. She told me a few things. And she showed me a picture of her mom.” Izzy fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “I saved her, kind of.” Did that sound boastful? She didn’t mean it to. It was her way of letting her dad know she didn’t want Flora to drown.
He stirred. “I’m glad about that, because I really like her.”
“You more than like her, Dad.”
“Right. Good point.” He cleared his throat. “I love her. Does that upset you?”
Izzy discovered that it didn’t, perhaps because of her own deepening feelings for Aiden. Love was incredible actually, although she was finding it almost impossible to write about. It didn’t make logical sense when you thought about it. But one thing she knew was that you didn’t have a choice who you fell in love with.
Thinking of that made her feel a little better about her mother. What had Aunt Clare said? She wasn’t a bad person. She just made bad choices. For some reason that made sense to Izzy. But the best thing was how easy it had been to talk to Clare—and she’d insisted Izzy had called her Clare. I’m not your aunt, but I’d very much like to be your friend.
Izzy no longer felt as if she was living on an island.
“It doesn’t upset me. I like Flora, although I’ve probably driven her crazy.”
“I’ve probably driven her crazy, too. And she may want nothing to do with me after this because I’ve messed up in a big way.”
“With Flora? How?”
“Because I haven’t told her any of this stuff about your mom, and I should have done. I should have shared it. And I tried to handle too much without involving her, and I’ve made her feel as if she’s on the outside.”
Izzy thought about what she knew. “That’s a biggie for Flora.”
“Yes. I should have shared more. I should have drawn her into the family more.”
Izzy felt a stab of guilt. “I pushed her away, so that’s partly my fault.”
“No, honey, it’s mine. It doesn’t matter what you said or did—I should have shared my worries with her, instead of trying to protect her and handle everything. I have to figure out a way to convince her she’s part of this family. And that I love her.”
She could hardly believe her dad was saying all this stuff to her. It made her feel ridiculously grown-up. And she didn’t want to blow it by saying the wrong thing. She wanted to say something wise and helpful, not totally lame. “I guess you should just talk to her. And listen.”
“I’m definitely going to start doing more listening. Always assuming Flora is still willing to talk to me.”
Izzy tried to imagine Flora not talking to someone. No matter how hard her mind worked, she couldn’t picture it. “Flora is very patient and kind. She’s not the sort to stomp out of the room and not listen. Just tell her the truth. Also, she’s nuts about flowers. She’d probably appreciate a bunch of those.”
He nodded. “That’s a good thought.”
Izzy sat there feeling like a proper adult for the first time in her life.
“You know, I’ve been thinking, maybe I will think about college. I mean, you haven’t given Molly ham in a while, so maybe she wouldn’t die if I left.”
Laughing, he pulled her closer. “I hope my parenting isn’t so bad that I’d accidentally kill your sister, but there’s no need to rush into a decision. Think about it. Take your time. If you need a listening ear then I’m here and I promise not to try to influence you in any way.”
“How are you going to manage that? You want me to go to college, I know you do.”
“Only because I want the very best for you, and I think it’s an experience you’d enjoy. But how will I not influence you?” He stretched out his legs. “I will pretend to be very calm and neutral about the whole thing, and work hard to keep all my parental panic on the inside. Parenting involves a lot of internal panic.”
“So basically you’ll be freaking out and I won’t know it?”
“Sounds about right.”
“You’re not that good an actor. I’m going to know if you’re freaking out.”
“I’ll work on it, but you should also know that the reason I’m freaking out is because I love you, and I want nothing but good things for you. But whatever you decide, and whatever happens with Flora, I’ll be right here backing you up. I want you to fly, sweetheart, but know that you can always come back home. And you will always have a home wherever I am, I hope you know that.”
She discovered that she did know that, and knowing it brought tears to her eyes even though she was sure that physiologically her body had to be as dry as the desert by now.
She blinked several times. Adults didn’t sob like a baby. “Thanks for coming to find me.”
“Anytime, although next time I hope you’ll call me before you call a cab.”
“Did you remember to drive on the left side of the road?”
“Aiden drove.”
“Aiden?” She lifted her head. “He’s here?”
“In the car. Waiting to drive one, or both of us, back. I’m hoping it’s both of us.” His voice wasn’t steady. “Can I give you an embarrassingly big kiss or would that make you leap on the train?”
She grinned. “Well I’ve already embarrassed myself without your help so I’m beyond caring.” She leaned against him again, her head on his shoulder as she’d done so often as a child. She felt his lips on her hair, but most of all she felt his love and it was so powerful she wondered how she could ever have doubted it. “Are there snakes in Vietnam?”
“Thousands of them. They’re everywhere. You probably won’t be able to put your feet on the ground without treading on at least six of them. Not that I’m trying to put you off or anything. It’s totally your decision. And there are spiders, too. Massive hairy spiders who never shave their legs.”
She didn’t know whether to giggle or shudder. “Maybe I’ll go to college after all.”
“Wherever you go, whatever you decide, I’m here for you. Until you meet a hot guy of course, and forget about your old dad.”
She’d already met her hot guy, but she wasn’t ready to tell him that. Maybe soon.
And then Aiden appeared on the platform, out of breath and noticeably lacking in his customary cool. “I saw the train coming—I was afraid you might get on it without giving me a chance to talk to you. I love you, Izzy.”
Izzy squirmed. Not now. Not in front of her dad.
The thought came to her naturally and she realized that she’d always thought of Jack that way so there was really no reason why he shouldn’t think of her as a daughter, too.
Jack stood up. “I may not have won many awards for parenting lately, but I know when it’s time for me to leave.”
“No.” Izzy grabbed his hand. “I don’t want you to go.”
Finally the train rattled into the station, grinding to a halt. The three passengers boarded the train. Doors slammed.
Jack glanced from her to the train. “We can stay here and chat on this train platform, which is charming as train platforms go, or we could go home and have this conversation somewhere more comfortable. And I can talk to Flora.”
Izzy held tightly to his hand but she was looking at Aiden.
“Let’s go home.”
22
Flora
The lake lapped relentlessly at her ankles, drawing her deeper into the water.
Flora forced herself to keep walki
ng, even though her limbs shook with every step. The water was up to her calves now, the shock of the cold water making her gasp. It was summer. How could the water be so cold in summer?
She tried not to think about Jack, or her dream of being part of his family. She forced it all out of her mind, so she could focus on this one thing.
She was going to do this, alone and quietly, with no one around to talk her out of it.
She was up to her waist now. The water closed around her. She wanted to scream but fear gripped her throat so tightly she couldn’t make a sound.
Just do it, she told herself and tried to summon up the courage.
She was concentrating so hard on taking the plunge that at first she didn’t hear the sound of voices behind her.
They grew louder and finally she heard Molly yelling. Flora, Flora.
A chorus of panicked voices reached her ears and she closed her eyes, frustrated.
She’d intentionally picked a time when no one was around. She hadn’t wanted anyone to witness this. She’d wanted to step into the water alone and sort this out once and for all without any fuss or bother but that wasn’t going to happen. Families, she was discovering, came with plenty of drama. Also, very little opportunity for personal time. It was what Julia always complained about and what Flora had always wanted.
She turned to see Izzy, Molly and Jack charging into the water fully clothed.
What on earth had happened to make them so desperate?
It took a moment to realize she was the source of their panic.
“Flora! Stop. Stop! Don’t do it.”
There was splashing and more shrieking and then Izzy appeared next to her, followed by Molly who thrashed forward in a wild dog paddle like Chase, and then finally Jack.
Flora gasped as she was showered by water.
“You can’t go in the water.” Molly’s arms flailed like an octopus. “You can’t swim.”
Flora wiped her face and then caught the child, worried that she might drown both of them. “I never said I couldn’t swim. I said I hated water. I haven’t swum since that awful day and I wanted to try it. It’s way beyond time.”
Izzy reached her, her wet T-shirt clinging to her body. “You were going swimming? You weren’t—”
“I wasn’t what?”
Izzy swallowed. “Trying to drown yourself.”
“Drown myself?” And suddenly she realized why they’d all raced into the water. “That was never my intention, although given that I haven’t been near deep water for more than two decades I suppose it was always a possible outcome. You may not have noticed but I’m wearing a bathing suit. And I borrowed a pair of wet suit boots because I didn’t like the idea of being barefoot in the lake.”
Izzy gave a little sob and flung her arms round her. “I thought maybe I upset you again. Or my dad made you want to drown yourself.”
Flora didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She actually felt like crying but that was probably because Izzy was hugging her for the first time. Tightly. Holding on. Clinging.
Flora clung back. “You didn’t upset me. And I’m not big on giving life advice, but I would suggest that no woman should ever drown themselves over a man.”
“Are you mad with Daddy?” Molly was clinging, too, her fingers wet and slippery. “I get mad sometimes when he gives me ham. But he does good things, too, and Aunt Clare always says that no one gets it right all the time.”
“That’s true enough.” Flora glanced at Jack who was standing fully clothed and dripping wet behind the children. The look on his face was one she’d remember for a long time. He loved her, she could see that. Whatever he hadn’t said, whatever mistakes he’d made, he loved her. “You forgot to take your clothes off.”
His gaze held hers. He didn’t smile. “I had other things on my mind. I can’t believe you went into the water on your own. Are you crazy?”
“I needed to do it this way.”
“He totally freaked out when he saw you in the water. He wanted to save you,” Molly said sagely. “We all wanted to save you, but you didn’t need saving, so that’s good.”
“Why didn’t you wait?” Izzy pulled away from Flora and tugged at her soaking T-shirt. “If you wanted to swim, I would have come with you.”
“I didn’t know how I’d react. I thought I might flip out and not be able to do it at all. That would have been embarrassing.”
“I wouldn’t have cared if you’d flipped,” Izzy said. “I wouldn’t have judged you. But I could have rescued you.”
“Not being able to do something you just have to try harder,” Molly told her. “That’s what Aunt Clare says.”
“And Aunt Clare is right.”
Molly clung to her hand. “If you want to try it again, I’m here and I’ll save you if you drown.”
She was surrounded by arms, legs and love.
And she realized that becoming a family wasn’t something that happened overnight. It took baby steps, patience, understanding and a willingness to forgive when things went wrong.
“If you cling to her like that she will drown.” Izzy gently prized her sister’s fingers away from Flora’s arm. “You’re a deadweight. But Molly’s right. If you’re going to do something that scary, you should have people who love you close by. So we’ll stay right here and you can pretend you’re on your own if you like.”
Flora looked at the three of them and then at the water.
“You’re here now,” Molly said, “so you might as well do it. Kick hard and use your arms. I try to copy Chase.”
“Which is why you’re never going to win any style points,” Izzy murmured.
With all of them watching her she felt self-conscious. “I really don’t think—”
“Just do it,” Jack said. “Do it, honey.”
“I know, we’ll swim, too.” Molly plunged into the water with joyous abandon, showering everyone with water.
With a whoop, Izzy did the same thing.
“And now you’re trying to swim in churning water.” Jack looked exasperated but Flora didn’t mind. If she was doing this then she needed to do it, and not care if she was splashed. She could still put her feet down. Jack and Izzy were capable of helping her if she got into trouble. There really was no risk, apart from in her head.
She leaned forward and slowly lowered her body into the water, feeling it close over her chest and then her shoulders as she kicked forward. Panic loomed in the background, and then she was swimming. Really swimming. Her body felt weightless. Panic was replaced by euphoria as she moved through the water, everything else in her world temporarily forgotten. She’d never felt this close to nature, or to her fears. Fear fluttered in her belly but she ignored it and carried on moving her arms and legs in a steady rhythm, feeling herself grow stronger with each stroke.
She didn’t know how long she swam, but it was long enough for fear to turn to exhilaration. Long enough for her to trust her body not to let her down. Long enough to know that the past wasn’t going to drag her down like a stone. Long enough to know that her belief that she’d never swim again had been wrong.
Life wasn’t static. Just because you were scared of something, didn’t mean you had to stay scared of it. She’d let fear hold her back, and she saw clearly now that it was fear that was behind her instinct to end things with Jack. Yes she was in love, but she was also scared. Scared that she’d made herself vulnerable. Scared that she’d fallen in love with his family, when he still saw her as an outsider. Scared that she’d trusted him with her secrets, when he hadn’t trusted her with his. But maybe he was afraid to do that. He was human, as she was. He had his own fears. Instead of walking away, she should talk to him. Tell him how it made her feel when he kept secrets from her. Use this rocky moment to understand him better, and help him understand her. Just as life wasn’t static, a relationship wasn’t static either. There were bound to be bumps along the way and they had to learn to negotiate those bumps together. It was a process. A discovery. An adventure.
She swam until her arms were tired and when she finally stood up she was laughing and so was Izzy.
“Well wow.” Izzy’s hair clung to her shoulders, wet and sleek. “So that’s swimming sorted. Next we need to give you kayaking lessons. Lesson one is not to drop the paddle.”
Molly was shivering, her skin blotchy and tinged blue from the cold. “I’m c-cold. Can I have hot chocolate?”
“Good plan. You and I will go indoors.” Izzy scooped her up and rubbed her back to warm her. “Flora and Dad need to talk.”
“Can I talk, too?”
Izzy glanced at Flora and then at her dad. “You’re not invited to this talk.”
“You should listen to him, Flora,” Molly said, her arms round her sister’s shoulders as she waded to the shore. “I think he wants you to marry us. We’d like that, too. And if we could have a dog, that would be good. I don’t mind if it’s a small one.”
“Oh my goodness, you don’t marry a whole family, you marry a person!” Izzy hugged her and scolded her at the same time. “Whatever you plan on being when you’re older, don’t pick anything that involves diplomacy.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“That,” Izzy said with the superiority of the older sister, “is pretty obvious.” She reached dry land and set Molly down. Then she draped a towel round her shoulders. “You and I are going to make hot chocolate.”
Molly glanced over her shoulder to Flora and Jack who had also emerged from the water. “But—”
“With whipped cream.”
Molly paused, tempted. “Okay, but maybe we should—”
“—and marshmallows, with a chocolate flake.”
That did it. Molly sped up the lawn toward the house and Izzy followed.
Flora watched them go, part of her wishing she could join them. Her skin was stinging from the cold water and her heart was racing. She felt bedraggled but euphoric.
She’d swum. She’d done it. It was amazing what it had done to her confidence and belief in herself. Right now she felt invincible.
“I couldn’t believe it when I saw you in the lake.” Jack wrapped a towel round her and rubbed her arms. “I can’t remember when I last panicked like that.”