by Sarah Morgan
“It was a few hours ago, when you discovered Izzy had gone to the station.”
He gave a laugh. “It’s been a day of drama, that’s for sure.”
“I’m assuming your conversation went well, as you all arrived together.”
“Yes. We talked about a lot of things. Things we should have talked about a long time ago. And I did the same thing with Clare.” He took her hand and tugged her down onto one of the sunloungers. “The only person I haven’t been honest with is you. I don’t mean about the whole Izzy thing—I was being truthful when I told you it’s something I simply don’t think about. But Becca—I didn’t tell you about her, and I owe you an explanation for that. You deserve to know it all.”
“Jack—”
“All I ask is that you listen to what I have to say before you speak, and if at the end of it you decide this isn’t for you then that’s fine. Well, it’s not fine, but I’ll try hard to accept your decision and not pester you to change your mind.” He tugged the towel more firmly around her. “I met Becca in an airport. We were both waiting to board the same flight. We dated for a month before she told me she was pregnant.”
“She pretended it was yours?” No matter what he said, she wasn’t going to be shocked or overreact.
“No.” He shook his head. “Becca was always straight. I think she expected me to walk out. Almost everyone she’d encountered in her life up until that point had walked out at some point or another. She didn’t know consistency or security. She hadn’t known love.”
Flora felt a flash of sympathy. Her childhood had been different, of course. In many ways she’d been lucky, certainly luckier than Becca. But that didn’t change the fact that she understood how it felt to know you were on your own, with no one in your corner.
“She had you.”
“Yes, and I had no intention of walking out. But I’m not sure she ever felt entirely sure of me. She never found it easy living as part of a family. She kept expecting it to fall apart, and when it didn’t she was ready to sabotage it herself.”
Flora listened as he talked, and hiding her shock became more of a challenge when he told her that Becca had left him when Izzy was only three months old. It was hard not to judge, even though she tried not to.
Maybe Becca hadn’t been loved as a child, but she’d been loved as an adult. You could have a bad childhood and still make a good life. Choice came into it.
And that was true for her, too, of course. She could walk away from this, or she could choose to stay.
She carried on listening as Jack told her about the most recent affair.
It was the last thing she would have imagined of the perfect Becca. Except that she hadn’t been perfect, had she? She’d been human, as flawed and individual as every other person.
“She was going to leave me. Us. All of us.”
Flora put her hand on his. “Oh, Jack—” No wonder he’d struggled to talk about it. Who would want to?
But he was talking about it now, and he told her everything, outlined every painful detail of those last months and days, and she listened without interrupting, knowing that there would be time to ask questions later, time to tell him her thoughts and hear his.
“The kids didn’t know—at least I didn’t think they knew, but it turned out that Izzy had overheard her talking on the phone. I had no idea. She didn’t say anything and it didn’t occur to me. She planned to confront her mother about it, but Becca went out that night and never came back. Izzy was left in a horrible position. She assumed I didn’t know and she didn’t want to be the one to tell me. There seemed no point, as Becca was gone anyway.”
“So she’s been carrying this huge secret.” Flora’s heart ached for her.
“Yes.”
The final pieces of the puzzle slotted into place. “She knew her mother was leaving you, and she thought that would have been the end of your relationship, too.”
“Her thinking wasn’t as clear as that initially. She was in shock, devastated by the loss but angry with her mother. And it ate away at her feelings of security. She started to feel guilty, as if she was somehow responsible for her mother’s actions. She thought that I would no longer want her.”
“She probably felt she didn’t deserve to be with you. She was punishing herself for Becca.” Flora’s cheeks were wet. “Poor Izzy. I wish she’d told you.”
“I’m just relieved she said something to you or goodness knows how long this might have gone on, or how it would have ended.”
“She didn’t tell me any of that. I just picked up that she was angry with Becca.”
“I should have seen that. Particularly as I had plenty of anger of my own. I focused all my energy into being there for the girls. And then I met you.” He paused. “You were the brightest, most hopeful thing that had happened to me in a long time and I was terrified.”
“Terrified?”
“Yes, because it was too soon, the wrong time, the girls had to be my priority—you name it, I felt it. I didn’t intend to ask you for a coffee that first day, and I didn’t intend to ask you to meet me for lunch every day after that. But being with you felt so good I couldn’t end it. It would have felt like denying yourself water when you’re thirsty. But I knew it was too much.”
“Too much—for me?”
“It was never going to be a simple relationship. It could never be just about you and me.”
“I knew you had the girls, Jack. I knew it from that first day.”
“I was afraid to get too close, and afraid to let the girls get close after Becca.”
“Grief makes you fearful of losing the other people in your lives. It’s something we don’t generally think about. We mostly go through life feeling we’re immortal, but death forces us to accept that we’re not.”
“I still need to decide how much to tell Molly, but that can wait for now.” He glanced at her and shook his head. “I can’t believe you swam.”
“I wanted to swim because—” Should she tell him? Was this the right time? “I hope we’ll carry on coming back here every year and I want to be able to join in.”
“Really? You want to come back?”
“Yes. I love it.” She stared out at the water, seeing only the beauty and not the menace. “It felt like a real step forward. I’m guessing you and Izzy have taken a step forward, too.”
“We have.” His fingers tightened on hers. “What about you? Us? You didn’t sign up for this crazy, complicated family life. I know you hate conflict.”
She smiled. “What I hate even more than conflict is being shut out. Being on the outside. But now I’m on the inside. When the girls ran into the water I realized I am part of your family, your crazy, complicated family, even if we’re all still figuring out what that means and how it looks. And I’ve never been happier.”
Relief spread across his face. “Really? I thought I’d blown it.”
“I thought I’d blown it with Izzy. None of us is perfect, Jack. I don’t expect that. I don’t want it. I know how hard it is to be open and honest with someone. It’s scary. I’m not used to talking about my feelings. I used to think it was because I just didn’t know how to do it, but I think it’s because I was afraid of sharing anything truly personal. It was a way of shielding myself from rejection. The more someone knows about you, the more they can hurt you. We’re both learning. Maybe we can do it together. We just need to keep talking. Keep sharing. We can handle anything life throws at us if we do it together.”
“I feel guilty that you are constantly having to handle my family issues. You don’t have to be part of this. You can still decide to walk away.”
His words made her realize that he had his insecurities, too. Everyone did, didn’t they? And how could Becca’s rejection not have left a scar?
She turned to him and she took his face in her hands, felt the roughness of his jaw under her palms and saw the concern in his eyes. “You have no idea how much I want to be part of exactly this. A family, with all its com
plexities and ups and downs. I don’t want to walk away. I will never walk away.” She said it firmly, so there could be no mistake, but the fact that he’d been protecting her, thinking of her, warmed her in a way she’d never been warmed before. “You were really protecting me?”
“Yes. And I might have been protecting myself a little, too. I was worried that if you realized just how full-on and emotionally exhausting family life is, you might change your mind about me. I don’t want that to happen. I love you too much.”
“And I love you.” The words felt strange. Unfamiliar. She hadn’t said them to anyone in so long. Not since she’d stood in the drafty kitchen in her aunt’s apartment and tried to form a relationship.
We don’t have to love each other, we just have to learn to live together.
Flora had wanted so much more, and now she had more.
She was about to say the words again but he grabbed her and kissed her until her head spun and she couldn’t remember her own name let alone anything else.
Finally, reluctantly, he lifted his head. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that. You love me?”
“Yes. And it feels amazing.”
A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “You love me, even though I come with responsibilities.”
“If you’re talking about Izzy and Molly, I love them, too.”
“You’re willing to put up with the hormonal explosions, and the silences, and the constant nagging feeling that you’ve said the wrong thing again? You really want this?”
“I am. I do.” It sounded as if she was saying her vows and she shifted away from him, suddenly awkward. “Well that was—”
He pulled her close and kissed her hard. “Molly already proposed to you, I think. If you’re expecting tact and finesse forget it. You don’t get that with a seven-year-old around the house. You get whatever comes out of their mouths.”
She laughed, realizing that if she could find enough courage to swim in the lake, then she could find the courage to tackle awkward situations. “I’m not waiting for you to propose, Jack. All I need is to be with you. Nothing more or less than that.” And if she ever felt she needed marriage, she’d tell him. Maybe she’d be the one to propose. Why not?
For now, all she needed was his love, and she had that. She understood why he hadn’t told her everything, and she knew it had made him think hard about their relationship, too. In the end it was a reminder for both of them that healthy relationships needed love, thought and care, but they also needed trust.
She shifted in his arms and noticed, for the first time, a large bunch of flowers abandoned on the lawn. “What’s that?” She sat up, wondering how she hadn’t noticed it before.
“Those were for you.”
“You bought me flowers?” No one had ever bought her flowers. She’d always had to buy them herself. She stood up and retrieved them, burying her face in their soft petals and inhaling their scent. “They’re beautiful. I can’t believe you bought me flowers.”
“In the spirit of honesty I have to confess it was Izzy’s idea.”
“Izzy?” She lifted her nose out of the blooms.
“I was all ready to present them to you in the most romantic way possible, but then I saw you in the water and I—well, I’m not sure what happened. I might have flung them.”
“Flung them.” She looked from him to the petals on the ground. “You flung them.”
“What can I say? I panicked when I saw you. Next time I buy you flowers, I’ll make sure the mode of delivery is better. But knowing your love of flowers, I hope you’ll love them anyway.”
“Oh, Jack—” She clutched them, knowing that even missing a few petals this would be the most precious bunch of flowers anyone had ever given her.
He knew her so well. He knew she loved flowers. He knew she struggled with confrontation. He knew she was as afraid of rejection as she was of water. He knew she sometimes did things just to please other people. And he knew about the deep loneliness that had felt like a huge hollow space inside her. He knew all that. He knew the important stuff.
Still holding the flowers, she leaned her head against his chest. “I’m going to miss this place.”
“Me, too. But I’m also looking forward to going home. I have some ideas.”
She lifted her head and looked at him. “Care to share them?”
“In time. Let’s just say that you can stop looking for apartments. You’re moving in with us while I put plan A into action.”
She was about to ask about his plan, but decided it didn’t matter. She didn’t need to know. All she needed to know was that whatever it was, they’d be doing it together as a family. That he loved her as much as she loved him.
And as he lowered his head and kissed her again, there was no doubt in her heart.
Epilogue
“This is my bedroom!” Molly’s voice echoed through the empty house. “I want this top one. It has a view of the river.”
“I should have that one, because I’m the oldest.” Izzy could be heard arguing with her sister, their feet thumping on bare floorboards as they chased each other from room to room.
“But you’re going to college.”
“Not forever. And I’ll be back often to make sure you’re behaving.”
Jack slid his arms round Flora and kissed her. “How about you? Have you picked your bedroom? Fancy misbehaving?”
The house was a beautifully renovated nineteenth-century Greek Revival in the heart of New York’s historic Hudson River Valley. It had been a mutual decision to move out of the city and this had been the second property they’d viewed. They’d fallen in love with it right away, and on their second visit, less than twenty-four hours later, they’d brought the girls and now here they were in their new home.
They’d first seen it in the spring and Flora had fallen in love with the orchard, the fruit trees heavy with blossom. Jack had immediately seen its potential and earmarked the old barn as office space. He’d spent long hours on the phone with Todd, discussing how they could turn it into a modern space while protecting the original features and character.
Even with all the technology he planned to install, Jack would still have to spend some time in the city, and his skills were increasingly in demand in places farther afield but he intended to pick and choose the jobs so that he could be at home as much as possible.
The Brooklyn house had sold quickly and the new owners had opted to buy most of the furniture.
Jack had insisted that this was a fresh start and that they should furnish it together. They’d picked out sofas although they weren’t arriving for another week and Flora had started painting canvases to hang on the walls.
Molly had already decided she wanted a horse-themed bedroom, complete with a stable door. Together with Flora, she and Izzy had gone through all the photographs of their mother and picked out their favorites to have in their rooms.
Remembering how much her photographs of her mother had meant to her, Flora was pleased to see it. Becca was just part of their story now, not their whole story, and so much of their story lay ahead.
She stepped through the open French doors onto the wide porch. Jack had insisted she take the keys and she held them tightly, until they left an imprint in her palm.
Home.
She could hear the girls laughing and bickering through the open windows, caught the words I’m going to tell Flora, and smiled because it all felt so normal and she’d never thought that this would ever be her life.
She stood, absorbing the moment and details of their new home.
There was a rocking chair on the porch and a two-hundred-year-old maple shaded the garden nearest to the house.
Jack was already talking about putting in a swimming pool, and Flora had plans for an organic herb garden and flower beds. Outside the breakfast room was a section of land that she planned to turn into the vegetable garden.
Jack stepped up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. “
We can go and test the master suite if you like. At least we have beds, even if we do have to sit on floorboards for another week.”
She smiled, anticipating their first night there. The huge windows looked out across the river toward the Catskill Mountains. The previous owner had described the sunsets as sublime.
She turned. “I don’t care where I sleep, as long as you’re there, too.”
“Daddy?” Molly hollered from upstairs. “There’s a paddock. Can I have a horse?”
“Say no,” Izzy yelled. “No one is ever getting me near a horse again. I don’t want to feed it, or groom it, but most of all I don’t want to ride it.”
Jack glanced at Flora. “Still want to be part of a family? You haven’t changed your mind?”
Why would she change her mind? “Everything I ever wanted is right here.”
“Hey—” He frowned and took her face in his hands. “What’s wrong? Are you upset?” He brushed her cheeks with his thumb. “I can take just about anything life throws at me, but not you crying.”
“They’re happy tears.” She sniffed. “I was just thinking, that’s all.”
“About what?” He always listened to her. Always paid attention. Tried to make her happy in a thousand tiny ways.
“About all those days and nights when I felt lonely. I’m wondering if maybe feeling that way is making me appreciate this even more.”
He wrapped her in his arms, holding her tightly. “Honey, I predict there will come a time when you’d kill for a lonely moment.”
She laughed, knowing he was probably right, but also knowing that there would never come a time when she took this for granted. “I can’t believe this is my life.”
“You’ll believe it when the girls are fighting.” But he lowered his mouth to hers, unable to help himself, his kiss urgent and impatient. She kissed him back, her arms wrapped tightly round his neck even though he didn’t seem likely to stop anytime soon. His mouth devoured hers, the erotic slide of his tongue driving all thought from her head. When he finally lifted his head it was so that he could murmur words that made her blush. She loved the time they spent as a family, but she also looked forward to the time they spent alone.