“Yeah, I’m fine Al. Just looking forward to finally working with these lazy bastards again.” I smirk as I look at Connor and Johnny.
“Cheeky twat.” Connor exclaims, as he throws a cushion at me from where he’s sitting in the chair across from me.
“You’re the one who doesn’t get out of his smelly pit until gone lunch time.”
The arsehole is right… I don’t.
There’s a reason for that though. By doing that, if I stay hidden in my bed. Then I don’t have to face the cold hard truths of my life. I love two people. Two people that won’t be accepted by society. The same society that weighs me down every single goddamn day. If I was just plain gay or straight then it would be easier. There’s no way on this earth that people are going to accept a three-way relationship, it’s unheard of… It’s not normal.
“Come on Max, what’s wrong? You’ve been away with the fairies since you got here, this isn’t you.”
Trust it be Allie who notices I’m not myself, but I can’t break, I have to keep it together somehow.
“Nothing's wrong, I’m just itching get back to the music. These arseholes may do my head in.” I smile as I say that. “I’ve missed just jamming, you know getting the music right with tosspots words.”
Throwing the dig at Connor, to which he looks at me, then gives me the finger causing everyone to laugh.
Billie and Vin both suggested that we all see each other tonight, but I said no. This is why. This is my normal. That is until Allie opens her trap again.
“So, you gonna tell us what’s going on with you and Billie? Is it getting series between you both?”
Trust her to be cutthroat and straight to the point. Although in her defence she has no idea just how serious shit has got over the past couple of weeks.
Brushing her off with my usual attitude towards relationships, I just simply answer, “Nah, you know me Al. I don’t do serious. We both know where we stand. Anyway, I’m not like these suckers.” I indicate to Johnny and Connor. “One pussy for the rest of my life just wouldn’t do me. I have to experience them all.” I joke.
“You really are one dirty boy. I thought Connor was bad when I met him, but you, you’re something else. I will give you points for honesty though.” Al laughs.
She has no idea how dishonest I’ve just been with her and that kills me. Lying to these people who are my family chips away at me bit by bit, day by day. I’ve even thought about what would happen if I just walked away from the band. They could replace me with someone who isn’t in daily turmoil with themselves. With someone who doesn’t have the ability to crush everything they’ve worked and fought so hard for.
Leaving Johnny's place, I jump in the Uber I ordered on my phone and head back to my place with only one thought running through my head.
I need to get blind drunk and pretend that for once I’m just like everyone else.
Normal.
Chapter Fifteen
Max
My plan to get mind numbly drunk on my own is thrown out the window the minute the taxi stops at the curb outside my house, because there sitting on the top step is Billie.
She looks so fragile and lost. She’s got her jean covered legs pulled up tight to her chest. With her head resting on her bent knees and her big wool coat wrapped around her. Quickly handing the driver a twenty and telling him to keep the change, I step from the car and close the door quietly behind me. I just want to look at her without her knowing.
It hasn’t registered with her yet that I’m here and this rare opportunity isn’t one to be taken likely. When we’re together, whether it’s just me and her - me, her, and Vin, or we’re all together on tour and she’s with the girls, her guard is always up. She hides behind a facade that she thinks no-one can see, but I do. I see everything. I see her. Then again, I’m the biggest hypocrite walking because I hide behind a mask also. Only I don’t let people see my vulnerability.
The wind picks up and blows her dark hair away from her face, and even though I can’t see her eyes, something tells me that she just didn’t stop by for a coffee and chit chat.
Giving a slight cough at the back of my throat to tell her of my presence, she jumps up and almost falls on her arse when her foot slips from underneath her.
Shit.
Rushing up the steps to my door, I catch her in my arms before it’s too late.
“Oh wow,” she breathes out. “Where did you come from?”
Laughing at the shock on her face, I place her back upright on two feet.
“I’ve been here a while.” I confess.
“Oh.”
She doesn’t question me, which is a good thing. I don’t fancy telling her I’ve just spent the last god knows how many minutes staring at her like a creep.
“Come on,” I tell her, “Let’s get you inside where it’s warm, you must be freezing.”
Opening the door with my key, I don’t let her answer me and just head straight for my kitchen. I only know she’s entered my house when I hear the door shut. Taking two beers out of the fridge. I close the door with my hip and stop short when just standing there as if she’s about to burst into a fit of tears, is Billie. Her usual tanned coloured skin is pale which I didn’t notice when we were outside.
“I love you,” she blurts out. “But I also love Vin and I can’t do this anymore.”
The bottles of beer slip from my fingers and crashes to the floor at her confession, but neither one of us move to clean up the mess.
“I couldn’t keep it in any longer, I had to tell you and I know you love Vin. It’s written all over your face when you're together. So, I’m bowing out now before I get hurt even more.”
This time it’s me left speechless. She can’t love me, I’m unlovable always have been, always will be.
“I’m going to go, this was a mistake.” I hear her say just before she spins back around and practically runs from my kitchen.
“Woah there missy.”
The distinct deep voice snaps me out of my daydreaming like state and has me rushing after her and skidding to a halt when I see him.
“Dad.”
Chapter Sixteen
Billie
These past two weeks have been some of the best and worst times of my life.
They say that falling in love in a short space of time is impossible. Well those people are wrong. I’m proof of that. Then there’s the fact that I didn’t just fall in love with one man, no, I fell hard for two men. I planned on telling them together, but Max said he had plans tonight so couldn’t see us. I also wanted to tell him my story. I see the questions in his eyes every time he sees my tattoo under my boob. He’s never pushed for answers and I love him all the more for it.
I sat on his step for almost two hours waiting for him to come home. The entire time I debated if I should just keep my mouth shut and carry on with things the way they were, but I couldn’t. My heart was torn and I was breaking from the inside out. It was time I told him everything.
When he arrived and let us into the house, I knew there was no going back the minute I crossed the threshold. So, pulling up my big girl knickers, I followed him, and got in there first.
“I love you.” I spit out. “But I also love Vin and I can’t do this anymore.”
When the bottles of beer he’s holding fall from his hands and crash to the fall neither one of us flinch. After giving him some spiel about how I’m bowing out so I don’t get hurt, I run for the door. It’s then my life flashes back to five years previous, when a set of hands I never wanted to feel on my skin again touch me as I try and escape out the front door.
“You’ve been asking for it all night you little slut. Now you’re going to get it.”
I try to scream, but nothing comes out. My backs against the hard, brick wall he’s got me pinned to, which is now scraping at my skin.
“No, no, no. Please.” I beg. “Don’t do this.”
Ignoring my pleas,
he puts his meaty hand over my mouth to stop me from saying anything further. Then he forces his knee between my legs, along with his other hand that tears at my underwear.
His whiskey breath is coating my skin as he laughs manically.
Shaking my head frantically from side to side, I try my hardest to fight him off, but he’s stronger than me. He overpowers me. I’m eight stone wet through, I don’t stand a chance against him.
“Girls like you are good for one thing and one thing only, I’m going to show you how it’s done by a real man.”
With no more time to protest and fight him, his trousers are open and I’m impaled onto a dick I don’t want inside me.
“Dad.” I hear Max call behind me.
No, no, no. This can’t be happening.
Going limp, I drop to the floor and curl up in a tiny ball. I don’t cry, I don’t scream. I just simply start mumbling the words to Destiny Childs song - Survivor. It maybe random to some, but to me it put things into perspective when I thought I was losing it. I am a survivor. I won’t let him win, but now, now I know that the man who raped me is Max’s dad. Well that just changes everything.
“Billie, Billie? Can you hear me Queen Bea?”
Max’s voice is full of panic and worry for me, but I still don’t say anything. I just carry on mumbling the lyrics I know off by heart.
“What the fuck dad? What are you doing here? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something. Now is not the time for your shit.”
Placing one arm under my knees and the other under my back, he picks me up and cradles me in his arms. The African scent of his Lynx body spray and man sweat calming me slightly.
I’m safe, I’m with Max. He won’t let anything happen to me.
Those words keep going around in my head as he carries me into the living room. It’s when the front door shuts, I go stiff again in his arms.
He’s not leaving, he’s going to torture me again. This can't be happening.
Max lowers us to the sofa so my back's to the living room door, but I know he’s there. The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention in pure fear.
“Dad, please can you come back some other time? I can’t deal with you as well tonight. Right now, she is far more important than whatever drama you’ve come to cause me.” Max declares to the monster behind me.
Clearly ignoring him though, I notice him come further into the room and sit on the chair that’s by the window. He looks at me cautiously, if not a bit confused. His mind is trying it’s hardest to piece together where he’s seen me before. It’s then, when he smirks, the recognition hitting home.
“Who’s your little friend Maxy? She’s real pretty.” His voice slurs causing my skin to crawl even more. He’s taunting me, seeing if I fight back this time.
“Dad, Stop it.” Max warns. “You’re pissed as usual.” He’s clearly used to this behaviour from him, but doesn’t get the innuendo he’s making.
I do.
He’s enjoying seeing me like this, scared and a whimpering mess. He gets off on it, just like before.
Well I’m not that girl anymore. I may not have fought hard enough back then, but I sure as hell can now. Wiping the few tears that did manage to leak out with the back of my hand, I take one of Max’s hands and give it a squeeze, hoping it gives me the strength I need to finally do this.
Pushing the bile that’s threatening to erupt back down, I give Max a kiss on the cheek before whispering, “I’m sorry,” in his ear.
Looking at me confused, I peel his arms from around me and inhale a few deep breaths as I stand on wobbly legs. When I know I’m not going to fall, I straighten my shoulders and hold my head high as I walk over to where he’s sitting. This is so I can look him square in the eye, as I tell his son what his dad is really like.
“Baby…” Max goes to speak, confusion in his tone, but I stop him short when I hold a hand up to indicate I know what I’m doing.
I don’t, at this point I’m winging it and hoping for the best.
Pure adrenaline is keeping me going right now.
Max’s dad looks at me as if he’s remembering everything, he did to me, as if he enjoyed making me suffer.
“Hi, I’m Billie.”
I act as if we don’t know each other at first, but then when he gives me that evil smirk that I want to wipe off his face, that’s when I go in for the kill.
“But you already knew that, considering you raped me.”
It’s as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Finally, after all this time I have said it in front of someone and out loud, resulting in my whole-body sagging in relief. That’s when I run to the bathroom and empty the entire contents of my stomach.
Chapter Seventeen
Max
I didn’t hear that right surely?
Billie just said that my dad raped her.
This has to be some kind of sick joke. Yet the fact I can hear her throwing her guts up in my bathroom tells me it isn’t. I’m stuck in my seat; my body won’t move. It’s the shock that’s running through my system, but I know I need to be doing something. Comforting Billie, knocking the shit out of the man who for almost thirty years as called himself my dad. I always knew he was a sadistic bastard, but this is on a whole different level of fucked up.
The anger that started to bubble beneath the surface is rising rapidly. My hands are shaking and curling into fists. All these years he’s made me feel like I wasn’t the normal one, when in fact he’s worse - he’s a monster.
“Get up.” I tell him, my voice is deep and deadly serious.
Ignoring me, he just looks at me, smiles and rolls his eyes.
“I’m not joking, get up… now.”
Again, I’m ignored, so marching over to him I take him by the collar of his jacket and drag him up so he’s standing.
“You’re nothing but an animal. You don’t deserve to be called dad. All my life you’ve either put me down or leeched off me. Now this, you raped the woman I love and now yet again I’ve got pick up your shit.”
I spit in his face. The colour instantly drains from his cheeks, he knows I’m not messing around now. This time he’s gone too far. I don’t need know the ins and outs of what happened. At the end of the day he forced himself on her and took something from her she’s never going get back. I’m going to make wish he hadn’t been born for thinking that he could ever do that to a woman, let alone my woman.
Pulling my arm back, fist raised in the air I’m stopped from beating him to a pulp when I hear a tiny voice say, “Max, stop. He isn’t worth it.”
Looking to the left of me, I see Billie standing there and I swear she’s never looked so fragile… so broken.
“Yeah, Max. I’m not worth it.”
The waste of space I have in my grip sneers, which just sends me over the edge. Before I know it, my fist is raised again and I’m reigning punch after punch on the bastard in front of me. I hear the crunch of bone as I splatter his nose to pieces, blood sprays all over his face and me. Only I don’t give two fucks right now. When I see his eye is almost closed from where I’ve landed a few punches, I take my anger out on his ribs - gaining yet more satisfaction when I hear a few cracks there as well. This is nothing compared to the pain he probably put Billie through, but it’s a start.
I can hear Billie screaming, but it’s just white noise. My hands are covered in blood and my vision is blurry. I have one thing on my mind and one thing only.
Payback.
Payback for the shit he’s given me in my life. Payback for the way he’s made me feel all my life, but most importantly payback for what he did to Billie. All my feelings towards him go into every punch I land on him. He’s finally getting what he deserves.
Rage took over my body, I’m not a violent person. I’m more of a make love not war person. The last few hours have just been a mass of screaming, blood and the guys trying to calm me and Billie down. I know Vin’s here somewhere in
the house, but for the life of me I couldn’t tell you where he is. I only know he’s here because I heard Connor talking to him in the hallway, telling him to make sure that my so-called dad doesn’t come back. That’s another thing, I don’t know what happened to him or where he is. When Johnny and Connor came running in through the door and dragged me off him, they plonked my arse on a stool in the kitchen and got rid of him. That’s all I know in regards to the man who should have his dick chopped off and fed to him for what he did to my Queen.
Looking down at my hands and t-shirt, all I see is the blood that’s started to dry and bruises that have started to form on my knuckles. I’m also pretty certain I’ve broken a couple of fingers. Which is just fan-fucking-tastic, because if I have, I’m so screwed for playing my guitar in the studio. Right now, that’s the least of my problems. I’ve not seen Billie since she screamed at me to stop pounding the shit out of that wanker. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d also say she’s the one who phoned the two idiots who are standing in my kitchen with coffee, eating my food and not saying a single word to me. Even if they did ask me what that was all about, I wouldn’t know what say to them. I can see the questions swimming in their eyes every time they look at me. They are dying to ask me, but at the end of the day it’s not my story to tell… it’s Billie’s.
“He raped me.” I hear her say. Her voice is hoarse and croaky. I look up from my hands and there she is. She has blood splatter on her t-shirt, but that isn’t what I’m looking at. It’s her strength that’s shining through her as she stands straight and with her shoulders back in my kitchen doorway.
I couldn’t be any prouder of her if I tried.
If I had half of the courage, she has I wouldn’t be living a lie and hiding my life behind closed doors. She amazes me, even after everything she had the guts to walk in here and tell the guys what happened to her.
No wonder you love her. A voice at the recess of my mind tells me.
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