“I love you too, Lana.”
“Then choose me.”
He continued to gaze at me, uncertain.
“Ryan O’Shea, choose me. I’m here… and we’re the same people, who feel the same way about each other. That has to count for something. Choose me.”
It was that simple.
When he nodded my heart soared into the heavens and I actually felt like I would be okay now.
It was the first time I’d felt it in seventeen years.
“I choose you Lana. I… choose you.” he bowed his head and when he lifted his gaze to meet mine I smiled and threw myself into his arms.
He held me close to his heart and finally I felt like I was home.
Home.
It was the place that existed wherever he was.
Chapter 25
Ryan
Six months later …
Mom died yesterday…
The news brought me home. Not for her… for Dad.
I stopped in my tracks on the patio, and gazed ahead to the garden where he sat.
He was sitting on the bench Amelia used to sit with Lana. Right next to the climbing honeysuckle vines that covered the archway.
He was just sitting there, gazing out to the pond where the ducks splashed around as they floated by the lily pads.
Sunshine bounced off dew-bright leaves, making the bursts of color from the flowers Amelia had grown years ago come alive. Roses, sunflowers, Dahlias, hydrangeas.
She’d planted them there and Dad had made sure they were tended to everyday, almost like he was trying to preserve what was left of her.
I continued to watch him, not quite knowing what I’d say. It was a difficult time for so many reasons. So much had happened to create this dark void of a shadow in our lives.
Six months had passed since everything blew up and truth unveiled.
Mom’s death felt like this was the seal. That final thing we’d been waiting for to close the chapter
Or maybe it was just me who was waiting.
It was horrible to know the truth of what happened, and still wonder about her.
My mother’s illness had gotten to me for so long that it was automatic to think of her first thing in the morning and wonder how she was. It was hard to unlearn the habit.
Hard to accept that she was never who I’d thought she was.
Worse when I truly processed everything she did in my mind.
I’d chosen to be with Lana. I chose to be with her and we were happy. Nevertheless there was a part of me that would always remember the past.
There was a part of me that couldn’t just close the book on the past and start a new one. That stemmed from memory and fact. Knowing my family had caused irreparable damage to her.
That was something I’d have to live with for the rest of my life.
Live with it, but I wouldn’t allow it to consume me. because it would mean Mom won in every aspect.
Pulling at the air for a cleansing breath I proceeded to walked toward Dad.
He lifted his head when he saw me and I was glad to see his face brighten.
My visit was unexpected.
I lived in L.A now with Lana.
I’d moved and followed her just like I’d planned to when we were supposed to go to New York. We bought a house near the beach and we were happy.
“Hi Dad,” I smiled.
“Kid,” he breathed. There was a quiver to his voice. It was so unlike him.
I lowered to sit next to him and noticed he held a poetry book in his hands.
“I want to ask how you are, but it feels like a foolish question,” I confessed, resting my hand on my knee.
He shook his head. “It’s not a foolish question. It’s a normal one. I just can’t give any kind of answer other than that I’m numb.”
Numb was a good word. It summed it up about right.
I felt numb too as a person that had been affected from the truth. He however, must have felt worse than me.
He’d blamed himself for his part in the whole event.
He’d blamed himself to the point where he was currently taking a break from work. That had never happened, and while I would have loved to tell him he shouldn’t blame himself, I found it difficult to.
“It was so weird when they called me to give me the news of your mother’s passing,” he began. “I felt… I felt nothing. It was like the numbness took me and I felt nothing, Ryan.”
That was pretty much how I’d felt too when I heard. I always thought the world would stop and I’d crumble when she died. But I felt nothing. I hadn’t seen her in six months and I’d decided I wasn’t going to. Six months ago really was goodbye.
“It’s hard when you feel nothing. It’s almost worse,” I put in. “Because you know you should feel something.”
He agreed. “Ryan, I struggle to feel anything besides guilt because it really was my fault. All of it. My actions drove your mother to kill Amelia and Amelia is dead because of that.”
That was his mantra for the last six months. It was the first thing he’d said when he learned the truth. He’d instantly blamed himself and continued to ever since.
“Dad, you can’t keep blaming yourself.” It was all I could say to him.
“I just keep thinking, what if I’d served her with the divorce papers earlier, what if I’d done things differently, what if I’d manned up and been forceful in what I wanted… what if… It just shouldn’t have ended this way Ryan.”
“But it did, and what you have to think about is all the steps you did take to make things right. It won’t change anything, but it showed you tried.” I spoke with a wisdom I never thought I’d have. He seemed to be listening. “We can all feel guilty Dad, but Mom killed Amelia. Mom… no one can blame themselves for that part. That is separate to everything because that is her. It’s on her. Not you and not me.”
A tear ran down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. He dipped his head and pressed his lips together.
“Thank you for coming.”
“I knew you’d need me.” I brought my hands together and cracked my knuckles.
“I don’t want you to spend too much time away from Lana.”
“Don’t worry about her. She understands. I …came to help you plan the funeral. I knew you’d find it difficult.” It would be difficult for me too, but it was something I felt I should help with. Again for him, not for me, and not for her.
He nodded. “I can’t do it. It’s the same as living here. I feel like I just can’t do it. Living in this house reminds me of the past.”
That piqued my interest. “What are you going to do?” I had wondered how he’d manage to cope here. It was hard enough being here myself.
This was actually the place where Amelia was murdered.
“I don’t know. There’s pain, but there’s memories. Good memories. Memories of you growing up, memories of Lana. Memories of Amelia. The house is a part of me. Amelia loved this garden and these are her flowers. It feels like she’s here, like a part of her is here. If I don’t have that, then it’s like she’s really gone. But, then there’s the other part of this that gets me, because this was the place she was taken from me.”
I reached out and tapped his hand. “I don’t think it’s a decision for now Dad. But I get it. The fact that you’re here in this garden means you want to preserve the memory. I think in time you’ll know what to do. She’s not in the garden Dad. She’s in your heart. That’s where she lives. You do what keeps that alive for you both.”
He gave me a kind smile. “Thank you… I’m proud of you. I’m very proud of you and the man you became.” He sighed.
The first real smile of the day inched across my lips.
“Thank you Dad.”
“You’re welcome. You’re… no longer a shell Ryan.” A lightness came into his eyes that gave me hope he’d be okay. “I’m glad you became the artist and you followed your heart to the girl.”
That was exactly what I’d done.
>
Similar to the past with a few modifications. I bypassed art school and bought a gallery near D’Angelo. Currently I show cased my previous art work and it was doing well. I had plans to do all sorts of things. For the first time in my life I was doing something that felt true to me.
But… I also realized something else. I didn’t have to choose. A person who was good at so many things didn’t have to choose. It just meant they had a variety of options they could juggle. So I became the artist, but I continued to be the lawyer as well.
“I think I have the best of both worlds.”
“I hope so. However, I honestly would prefer if you just focused on art,” he admitted.
“I’m good. I am, Dad.” I worked with Dad on a consultancy basis and chose which cases I took on. A majority of them didn’t require my presence, just my expertise.
I came back here every other weekend to see Jack. So when I saw Jack, I saw Dad too.
It all worked out in the end. All of it, even with Jack.
The angel that Lana was loved him too and accepted my bond to him, accepted that I was his father and wanted to be part of his life, even if it meant having some element of Tiffany in our lives too. She accepted it.
The agreement was for me to visit Jack, but he’d spend a week with me in the vacation breaks. We’d planned to change things up as he got older.
“I appreciate you, kid.” Dad smiled at me.
“You too Dad.”
It all worked out.
There was however, one last thing left to do.
One last step I’d never gotten to with Lana to make her mine.
* * *
It was the last week of March and the flowers were out in full bloom.
Amelia’s graveside looked beautiful with the yellow dwarf roses the caretaker had planted there.
Dad had bought this plot of land at the cemetery for her. By the river and away from everyone else.
There was a garden surrounding the grave filled with Amelia’s favorite flowers and a statue of a woman reading a book, a poetry book no doubt.
Dad had all of those made for her for her birthday anniversary a few months back.
Lana and I stood side by side at the site holding hands.
Today was a special visit.
Lana just didn’t know it yet.
I’d told her I had to talk with her mom about a few things.
Here we were. This was the first full week we’d been back in Wilmington too so it was perfect.
Things were still very raw, but we were all coping and trying to move forwards with our lives.
I looked at Lana who was giving me one of her glances where she thought she was humoring me.
“Ryan we’ve just been standing here. Mama would ask you if you were waiting for God to come.” She chuckled. “Or, if we were watching for the seasons to change.”
I smiled at her. “Yes, I suppose she would.” I’d done a good job at keeping her in suspense because we’d been here for a little over half an hour.
“The point is we’re waiting,” she scuffed.
“Okay, I’m ready. I prepared a speech and everything.”
“You are the strangest boy ever.”
I nodded, agreeing and she shook her head at me.
I looked back to the grave and my gaze landed on the headstone then scanned over the grave itself.
We could act all we wanted like we were okay and we could smile but the truth lay before us. It lay before me and I couldn’t help but remember who put her there.
My mother.
I sighed and forced the memory from my mind. Replacing it with my memories of how Amelia loved me. I remembered my time with her and all she did for me. all the times when I’d felt her love surpassed that of my own mother. I think I was right.
I wished I’d done this when she was alive and could see me. hopefully she could look down from heaven and see me now.
“Amelia,” I began with a little smile. “When I was nine I was truly excited to meet you and your daughter. I acted like a little brat because you caught me staring at your girl. When I was twelve I wanted to ask you if it would be okay to take her to the school disco, but I was scared you’d say no because I set fire to her Barbie doll hair, and when I did that I accidentally burned your bible.” I looked at Lana who had her eyes glued to me. Wide. I expected that because this was stuff I never spoke of.
“When I was fourteen I really wanted to ask her to the movies but I thought you’d say no because you caught me stealing shit from the store. By the time I was sixteen I’d gone astray, you tried to keep me focused with my artwork but I never listened. I wanted to ask your daughter to the junior prom but I thought you’d say no because you caught me doing all manner of drugs in the garage. I think I stopped wanting to ask at that point. Two years later a lot had changed and I’d changed too. I think you realized that but you may not have known why. I bypassed you and I was seeing Lana that whole time. There was one thing I wanted to ask you. It was more important than every time I’d wanted to ask you about her. It was this.” I fixed my gaze on Lana. “I wanted to ask you if you’d give your blessing for me to ask her to marry me.”
“What?” Lana gasped.
“At nineteen. I had everything ready. I knew she’d tell my ass to come back to her when I could add twenty years to my age. So the time’s about right.”
I turned thirty seven last month. At the time I would have asked Lana she was very nearly nineteen and me twenty. I pulled a small velvet box from my back pocket.
Proposing by a gravesite had to be quite original. To me though I was doing it in front of someone who mattered to the both of us.
Lana gasped when she saw the little box in my hands and brought her hands up to her cheeks when I lowered to one knee.
“In my heart I know she would have said yes. She’d seen me for me, and I know she saw how much I loved you, so here goes the part that counts. Lana, you’re the most amazing thing in my life, you always have been. I’d be honored if you’d be my wife. Will you marry me?”
“Yes.” She was nodding even before I finished. “Yes… Ryan.”
I took her hand and slipped the ring on her finger. It was only once I looked at it on her hand that she felt like mine.
“Thank you.” Gratitude filled my soul.
When I stood she hugged me. “I love you, you’re the most amazing thing in my life too.”
I pulled back and kissed the top of her nose. “It’s the prelude to the start of the rest of our lives.”
“No,” she beamed. “There is no prelude. It simply is.”
We both laughed and I pulled her in for a kiss.
It was one that felt different.
It held all our hopes and dreams.
It was the beginning of us.
My girl came back to me and we had a second chance to do all we ever wanted to do.
Epilogue
Lana
One year later…
I always liked this part.
Walking out onto the runway after a show. Especially a show that had gone well and had blown people’s minds.
The cheers and applauses coming from my guests were always what got me.
Tonight was no different in that respect.
The runway was surrounded by tiered seating, all full with people who were now standing and cheering for me as I made my way out.
Guests, models, other designers, friends and family all here supporting me and the dream.
My dream.
I’d been doing this for a while now but things changed up when Ryan came back into my life. I’d look out into the crowd of people and see him sitting on the front row.
My angel. Tonight he was joined by his father who sat next to him and looked equally proud of me. Connor O’Shea looked the same when Ryan and I took our wedding vows five months ago.
Next to them was Georgie and Pat, always and ever there for me.
Tonight was great and similar to most shows I’d had. It
was however my first show pregnant, and I had a visible baby bump that people seemed to love all the more in my red dress.
The dress was inspired by my first collection I’d put together in my attempt to apply for the summer school at Parsons.
The dress was called Love.
It was the first time I’d just gone with the emotion because love led me here.
All the people who loved me had brought me to this moment.
I stopped at the end of the runway and looked around, and in my heart warmth surrounded me.
The effulgent glow of the greatest love washed over me when I thought of Mama. It was almost like I could feel her here. In my mind I’d imagined her dressed in her finest just like she used to say. She’d be sitting with my family looking like she’d been pulled from a Hollywood set. I’d look at her as I was doing now with everyone and feel like we’d both made it.
The thought existed in my imagination, but it was real for me.
It was all real for me.
“Thank you all for your tremendous support,” I spoke as the cheers faded. “I’m so honored to have you all. Thank you for allowing me to share my dream and vision with you. I value each and every one of you, as always I give credit to my husband.”
I focused on Ryan who gazed on at me with that twinkle in his eyes.
“I give him a little extra credit tonight because he’s the guy who makes good things great. He turns dreams into realities, memories into legends. He is the keeper of my heart and always has been. I am who I am today because of all that he is to me.”
Ryan looked stunned. He wasn’t expecting me to do that. I reached out my hand toward him beckoning him to me.
He came. He walked up the steps to the runway and joined me, cupping my face.
“I love you, you know that Lana O’Shea?” He beamed at me.
Lana O’Shea…
I would always relish hearing that.
“I love you too Ryan O’Shea.”
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