by Robyn M Ryan
“That had nothing to do with Kristen. I thought you had betrayed me to your father.”
“And if I’d said Kristen manipulated the call?”
“How could you even know that?” Andrew challenged.
“See, you still don’t get it.” Her outburst surprised him. “Let me spell it out. Right before my father called you, you gave Kristen passes to the game and asked me to make sure Kelly and Terri looked out for her. Remember?” She waited until he nodded. “I found out later she and Ashley sat together and didn’t stop talking the entire game. Terri said they acted like best friends. If you believe now that Kristen had those feelings for you, is it such a stretch to think she’d talk with Ashley…discover our families know each other…and get the information necessary to make that call to my father?”
Andrew shrugged. “Perhaps. That’s something we’ll never know.”
An uncomfortable silence settled between them. Caryn wished she had taken Tom’s advice when he first learned of Kristen’s request to help prepare Andrew for a future without hockey. But I made him promise not to tell Andrew. I didn’t want to risk Drew losing confidence in reaching his goal. Instead, I lost his trust.
She glanced at him, his expression neutral. The look he gets when he’s about to explode.
Shannon interrupted the silence. “Andrew, do you have questions for Caryn? Do you understand her reasoning at that time?”
“I understand your intentions were good, Caryn. I don’t know if finding out Kristen had doubts about my recovery would have derailed my progress. I’d like to think I value Dan’s opinion more than a therapist’s, but in all honesty, I don’t know how that would have affected me.” He paused a moment and reached for his water bottle. He took a long drink before he continued. “Probably never know, especially when I was dealing with all the other post-concussion issues…mood swings, memory…I don’t need to explain those to you. And you had your own anxieties about me playing hockey again. It’s hard trying to process this now in that context.” He looked at her, and Caryn couldn’t read his expression, his blue eyes guarded. “Did you ever question your decision to keep this from me?”
“Not until recently. I believed you and Kristen were more than friends.” Caryn shrugged, knowing her answer sounded lame. “If I could go back and redo everything, I would have confronted you after I saw you kiss Kristen. I waited for you to tell me, and when you didn’t, I feared you’d tell me you had feelings for Kristen—more than a professional relationship. I'd pushed you away with my phobia about you playing hockey again. You could read my fears, even when I tried to be your cheerleader. Why not turn to someone who supported you and was helping you achieve your goal?” She glanced at him, but his face revealed nothing.
“I know you struggled with fear. But I also knew you were trying. I never blamed you for your fears.” He stopped and leaned back against the couch, running his hand through his hair.
“I’m so sorry I kept this from you.” Caryn’s voice was barely a whisper
“I get it, Cary. You had good intentions. You acted out of love.” He paused and shook his head. “I carry a lot of guilt over what happened, what I did, how I cut you loose and was too stubborn to work everything out. But now I hear that maybe, just maybe, we might have avoided some of what happened.”
“I understand.” Wish he would look at me. I know that tone. He’s angry, frustrated, trying to hold it in. She started to touch his arm but dropped her hand. That’s not what he wants right now.
Andrew fought to control his emotions. He couldn’t look at Caryn, didn’t want to see her remorse, hear any more explanations. He also didn’t want her to see the anger simmering so close to the surface. Do I ask for a time out? We’re in the freaking counseling session. How do we put this discussion on pause?
Shannon interrupted his thoughts. “Andrew, would you like to share your thoughts, feelings right now?”
“What?” Andrew snapped. “Say that I’m fucking pissed Caryn made a decision—a decision for me—without even talking with me about it? It happened. We both share the blame and knowledge we’d do things differently in hindsight. How the fuck does all this help our relationship? Maybe it was a door better left locked.” He held out his hands and shrugged. Should have called that time out. He heard Caryn quietly say his name. He shook his head. “Not now, Caryn. I need time to process this.”
He glanced at her and Caryn inwardly cringed when she met his eyes. Anger. Disappointment. Betrayal. I deserve this. I never put myself in his place. I did what I thought best. I should have asked Dr. Forster his opinion. I allowed Kristen to manipulate me.
Andrew finally voiced the question she wanted to ask. “Where do we go from here?” He looked at Shannon.
Caryn noted the concern in the counselor’s expression. “What time do you complete your sessions, Andrew?”
“Four. I can cancel them.”
“You both need time to regroup,” Shannon said. “We can meet again today—whenever you think you’ll be ready to talk this through.”
“Whenever works for you, Drew.” At that moment Caryn was struggling to keep herself together. She fought the urge to flee, go home and hide under the covers.
“Are two hours enough for you, Cary?” Andrew asked.
She shrugged. “Sure.”
“So we’ll meet again at two?” Shannon confirmed. “Before you go, let’s circle back to the beginning of this session. We agreed you had discovered—rediscovered—forgiveness. And an incredibly strong bond that has never broken.” She met Andrew’s gaze. “Andrew, you mentioned talking honestly helped diffuse some potential hot buttons. Unfortunately, today we pushed an explosive button. But, if you focus on everything you’ve learned about yourselves and everything you’ve talked through, I’m confident both of you can put this in perspective.”
She paused and looked toward Caryn. “Ultimately love requires honesty and trust. We’ve discussed this many times. Can you both look back and accept that both of you made mistakes?” Caryn finally raised her eyes and met Shannon's. “Can you move past these mistakes and trust that your love is stronger than any problem? Please use everything we’ve discovered to put all things regarding Kristen in perspective. If either of you needs to see me before we get back together at two, call me. My schedule is clear all afternoon.” She looked directly at Caryn. “Do you need a few minutes alone?”
She shook her head, her voice raw. “I’m okay.”
“Please call me if you need me.”
“I will.”
Andrew stood, extending his hand toward Caryn. After a beat, she accepted it, fearing what she’d see if she met his eyes and silently walked with him out the door.
Andrew felt wave after wave of anxiety washing over Caryn. The hand he held felt clammy, and when he looked at her, he saw her unsteady gait. He put his arm around her and pulled her against his side. “Breathe, Cary,” he encouraged softly. He guided her to the elevator and impatiently pressed the button for his floor.
Once inside the room, Andrew led her to the couch and then grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. He opened it as he sat beside her, encouraging her to drink. She sipped the water, then looked at him, her eyes wary.
“Please don’t hate me, Drew.”
“Why would I ever hate you?” He gently brushed tears from her cheeks. “We both made mistakes, did things we now regret.”
“I know you’re furious with me.”
Andrew shook his head. “No, I’m not. I need to process everything. We’ll work through this, just like we’ve dealt with the other issues.” He gently lifted her chin until her eyes met his. “I love you, Caryn.”
She managed a small smile. “Will love be enough this time?”
Andrew shut his eyes briefly, his mind flashing to the moment in April. You don’t trust me, Andrew. How can you have love without trust?
“Love’s always enough, Cary. I should never have said otherwise.” He collected his thoughts. “You didn’t have to
tell me anything today. I never would have known if you hadn’t. Do I trust you? Absolutely. But most importantly, I love you and I know you love me.” He pressed his lips against her forehead. “We’ll get past this.”
32
After a small lunch, Caryn agreed to rest while Andrew took part in his therapy session and promised to call him if she needed anything. She propped the pillows on his bed and scooted back against them. She couldn’t shake a sense of dread. Drew always remained calm and reassuring when she seemed close to falling apart. He’s suppressing his anger. She could feel the anger in the counseling room. Once he processed everything, it may resurface. Even if he didn’t talk about it, she’d know if he were angry.
She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing. Deep cleansing breaths. Think about your beautiful babies growing each day. The “peanuts,” as Andrew calls them. They’re our priority. As if punctuating her thoughts, she felt a movement—a kick?—from her children. She smiled as she ran her hand over the area. “You will only know love,” she promised in a whisper. A sense of peace replaced the dread as she visualized two toddlers—boys? girls? one of each?—playing with Andrew on the floor. They giggled as he played keep-away with their favorite toys.
With a smile on her face and love filling her heart, she fell asleep, continuing the vision in her dream.
After lunch, Andrew returned to the therapy area with a mission. First, he spoke with Riley and postponed his visual-spatial activities for the day. Next, he headed to the treatment room where he'd find the person he needed to confront.
Kristen was alone in the PT gym when he entered, her eyes widening when she saw him. She walked toward him, a warm greeting on her lips.
Andrew deliberately kept his tone and expression neutral. “You have a few minutes to chat?”
Kristen glanced at the clock. “More than that, Andrew. Do you want to grab lunch?”
Andrew saw the eagerness in her eyes. “Just finished. This won't take long.” He nodded toward the set of chairs across the room. “Okay with you?”
“Sure.” Kristen rested her hand on his forearm as they walked. “Been a while since we’ve talked. I keep hearing positive things about your progress.”
Andrew forced a smile. “Glad to hear.” He gestured to a chair, and then sat in the other facing her. “You doing all right?” He tried to buy time as he sorted through his emotions. Need to say this so she can't misunderstand. Her words barely registered as he prepared to speak.
“Kristen, first I apologize if I ever gave you the impression I thought of you as more than a rehab partner and friend. You helped me through some dark times when I wondered if I would walk again.”
She leaned toward him. “That’s why I work here. I enjoyed working with you, getting to know you, and yes, I do think of you as a friend. A fantastic friend.” A teasing smile crossed her face.
“The day I kissed you in the gym was a mistake. I got caught up in the emotion. It meant nothing to me—and I believed you felt the same,” he said, his words clipped, his tone even.
“It happened, Andrew.” Kristen leaned back in her chair. “We both realized it meant nothing. Why do you ask?”
Andrew paused a moment, then answered. “Caryn and I have been seeing a counselor. This last year has taken its toll on both of us, and we wanted to work with a neutral third-party to sort through everything that’s happened.”
“Absolutely the right thing to do,” Kristen replied. “I could see how hard all of this hit Caryn. I prayed she’d get help.”
Andrew held her eyes for a long moment. Sure you prayed, Kristen. Just not for Caryn’s happiness. The anger began to surge, and he had to say what he’d intended before it boiled over again. “Caryn told me about your asking her to help by exploring alternative career options for me.”
Kristen’s face was blank. “She totally misunderstood what I said. I’d never go behind my client’s back.” Her tone projected surprise and disappointment. “I’ve always believed you’d make a complete recovery.”
Andrew looked at her without speaking. He saw the sincerity in her expression. She's good. “And Caryn just ‘imagined’ this conversation with you?”
“The only conversations I had with your wife pertained to answering questions about your progress. Somewhere, she misunderstood something I said.”
He didn’t speak, holding her gaze steadily, and tried to contain his anger.
“You don’t believe me?” she asked.
“I supposed I imagined the massage? Are you going to deny that now?”
“Andrew, if you’ve got something to say, get to it.” Kristen’s eyes flashed.
“Today I finally understood the tension between you and Caryn. She told me everything.” He stared at her. “You knew the stress, anxiety, and fear she struggled with, but that didn’t stop you from adding to her burden. You took advantage of the situation, knowing we disagreed on my playing hockey again.”
“I never said…”
“Just own it, Kristen,” Andrew interrupted, losing his patience. “I realize I was oblivious to what happened around me, especially my wife’s struggles to do what she believed was the best for me. You played us against each other until our marriage blew up. But when Caryn confronted you, you denied it and called her delusional.”
She laughed without humor. “Well, if the other day was any indication...”
Andrew shook his head as he pushed the chair back and stood. “No, that’s one huge difference between you and my wife. You can scheme and lie convincingly. Not a problem. You fooled me,” he said. “But Caryn? When she tells me something, it’s the truth. She cannot lie to me.”
Kristen laughed as she stood to face him. “Your perfect princess can’t lie? Oh, you’re in for a major disappointment, Chadwick.”
“I don't think so.” Andrew shook his head to clear the anger clouding his thoughts. “I may ask Tom to help me file a complaint regarding your unprofessional actions. I don’t want to see you lose your license, but if that’s what we need to do to keep you out of our lives, I will.”
“You both are delusional,” Kristen laughed. “Go ahead. No one will believe you, Chadwick.”
“No?” Andrew challenged, no longer attempting to contain his anger. “Just test me,” he taunted. Andrew stepped into her personal space. “And that’s not a threat—it’s my promise. Stay the hell away from us.”
Andrew considered not waking Caryn when he returned to the room and watched her sleeping. One hand rested protectively over her baby bump with a hint of a smile visible on her face. He wanted to call Shannon to postpone the session, but Caryn deserved the chance to voice her thoughts on the idea. So, instead, he leaned on the side of the bed and lightly kissed her smile.
Her eyes fluttered open and her smile widened when she saw him.
“Hated to wake you, sleeping beauty.”
“I had the most wonderful dream.” Caryn reached for him and Andrew gathered her into his arms. She rested her head against his chest. “One of your peanuts was moving around earlier.”
“Can’t wait until I can feel the peanuts.” He ran his hand over her abdomen. “Almost called Shannon to cancel our appointment. I didn’t want to wake you.”
She pulled back to meet his eyes. “Thanks for talking me off the ledge earlier.”
Andrew shrugged. “It took a lot of courage to tell me everything.”
“Can you ever trust me again?”
“You could have kept everything secret. Yes, I trust you.”
“I couldn’t let you continue to feel guilty any longer without admitting my own actions.” Her amber eyes were bright when she met his eyes. “I had to tell you.”
“Thank you.” He kissed her gently. “My anger, frustration, whatever, is not directed at you, Caryn. I had time to think about everything. Shit happens, Cary. In our case, tons of shit. I can’t blame you or anyone else.” He paused for a moment, searching for the right words to explain his thoughts. “This past year put e
nough stress on us to last a lifetime. What happened since I got hurt is one huge chain reaction. One thing led to another. Never an opportunity to step back, put everything in context. Everything we did was a reaction to something in that chain of events. So, I’m choosing to direct any anger, frustration, negative emotions toward fate.”
“Fate caused everything that happened?”
“We had no control over our situation. It doesn’t help either of us to point fingers, assign blame. I’m tired of the anger towards something I can’t control, tired of the guilt, tired of not living with the person I love with every ounce of my being.”
“You mean you’re choosing to let everything go? No looking back?” Caryn asked.
“That’s what I’d like to do…but it won’t work if you don’t agree. I’m not trying to pressure you, Cary.”
Caryn nodded. “What more can we discuss, Drew? As of this morning, all our issues are out there—unless you have something else?”
Andrew shook his head with a small smile. “Nothing I know of. You?”
“Can you forgive me for withholding everything about Kristen?”
He saw the fear in her eyes and the guilt in her expression. “Done.” Andrew traced his finger across her face. “Love directed all your actions. I realize that. I can’t fault you for acting out of love.” A memory of a night, almost five years ago, tugged at Andrew’s heart. His mind flashed on the decision she’d made, the promises he’d uttered, the lifetime that had passed in the intervening months. Andrew clasped her hands in his, leaning to press his lips against her forehead. “Not exactly what you’d signed on for when you refused to follow your parents’ wishes, Cary.”
Caryn pulled back, her amber eyes bright. “I’d make the same decision, Drew. I have never regretted my choice. No one promised we’d only have good times. You’re right. It’s time to release all the negative emotions, tie them to balloons, and watch them sail off in the sky.” She smiled wistfully at him. “Time to move on, focus on our future, and meet it hand-in-hand.”