Witch Is How To Fool Cats

by Adele Abbott

  “How did you manage to find him?”

  “I didn’t. He found me.”

  “How?”

  “Jeez, Kathy, I don’t know. I didn’t ask him.”

  “Sorry. What’s he like?”

  “He looks just like me.”

  “Poor guy.” She grinned. “But is he nice?”

  “I’ve only spent a couple of hours in his company, but yeah, I’d say so.”

  “When do we get to meet him?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I need to get to know him myself first.”

  “When then?”

  “He’s coming over for dinner with Jack and me next week. We’ll see how that goes.”

  “Okay. I can’t wait to meet him.”

  It didn’t take a genius to guess who’d won at pool. Peter was grinning from ear to ear while Jack looked as though he’d just finished sucking on a lemon.

  “How did it go, Jack?” I asked.

  “You can’t compete against fluke.”

  “Rematch?” Peter offered.

  “There’ll be no rematch today,” Kathy said. “Pete, you’ll never guess what Jill has just told me.”

  “Is she—?” He turned to me. “Are you—?”

  “Am I what?”

  “I just—err—I thought—”

  “Oh for heaven’s sake.” Kathy came to his rescue. “She’s got a brother.”

  “Since when?”

  I was forced to run through the whole story (pack of lies) once again for Peter’s benefit. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a good memory, so I’m pretty sure the two versions were identical.

  Dinner was delicious. Kathy had once again surpassed herself and put me to shame.

  “Nice one,” Jack whispered to me, while Kathy and Peter were in the kitchen.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “That story about your brother. Pure genius. I particularly liked the bit about a private investigator tracking you down.”

  “Do you think they bought it?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Can you imagine their reaction if you’d actually told them the truth?”

  “That my brother lives in the supernatural world, and has been held captive in another dimension? What’s not to believe?”

  “What are you two whispering about?” Kathy had brought the coffees through.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

  “Mummy! Daddy!” Lizzie’s voice came from out in the hallway.

  “Hello, Pumpkin.” Kathy gave her a hug. “I wasn’t expecting you two home yet.”

  “Nana and Grandpa said that we’d tired them out.”

  “Where are they now?”

  “They waited until we were in the house then drove away.”

  “Auntie Jill, Uncle Jack.” Mikey came charging into the room. “Has Dad told you about my treehouse?”

  “It’s not yours!” Lizzie stomped her feet. “It’s ours. We have to share.”

  “I don’t want to share with a stupid girl!”

  “That’s enough of that, Mikey!” Kathy said. “We’ve been over this already.”

  “Why can’t we have a tree house each?”

  “Because you can’t. Either you share with Lizzie or you don’t have one at all.”

  “Not fair!” He ran out of the room, and upstairs.

  “Kids.” Kathy grinned. “I don’t suppose you’d like to adopt one, would you?”

  “Auntie Jill.” Lizzie grabbed my hand. “Come and see my bedroom.”

  Even though Lizzie had warned me about them, I was still shocked to find four ghosts in her room: two adults and two children.

  “Aren’t you going to introduce me, Lizzie?” I said, closing the door behind me.

  She pointed to the woman. “That’s Rita.” And then to the man. “That’s Brian. And that’s Sophie and Joshua.”

  The four of them couldn’t manage a smile between them. They all looked on edge as though they were afraid of something.

  “Hi. I’m Lizzie’s auntie. My name is Jill.”

  Barely a flicker from any of them.

  “Is something wrong?” I addressed my words to the two adults.

  The woman gestured towards Lizzie. I didn’t understand at first, but then I realised she was trying to tell me she didn’t want to say anything while Lizzie was in the room.

  “Lizzie. I’m really thirsty. Could you go and get me a glass of orange, please?”

  “Okay, Auntie Jill.”

  As soon as she was through the door, I turned back to the woman. “You’d better make this quick.”

  “We’re the Roberts family. This used to be our house many years ago before we were all killed in a car crash. Afterwards, we moved back in. It was a little strange at first, having to share the house with the new owners, but we got used to it eventually. Everything was going fine until Redgrave—.” She stopped midsentence.

  “Who’s that?”

  “There you are, Auntie Jill.” Lizzie handed me the drink. “I’m going to be a pixie.”

  “A pixie?” I glanced behind me, but the Ghost Family Roberts had disappeared. “How come?”

  “I’m in a play at school next Wednesday night. Will you come and see me?”

  “I—err—”

  “Of course she will, won’t you, Auntie Jill?” Kathy was standing in the doorway.

  “Err, yeah, of course.”

  “And Jack.”

  “Don’t worry. If I’ve got to go, he’s definitely coming too. What’s the play called?”

  “Another world!” Lizzie beamed. “It’s going to be fantastic. There’s fairies and witches and elves. I wanted to be a fairy, but the teacher chose Rachel Grover.”

  “Still, pixies are really cool,” I said.

  “That’s what I told her.” Kathy ruffled Lizzie’s hair.

  “Can I see your costume?”

  “She doesn’t have it yet. One of the other mums is making lots of them. If you ask me, I think she’s taken too much on, but she’s assured us they’ll all be ready on the day of the play.”

  “Isn’t that cutting it a bit fine? What if it doesn’t fit?”

  “It’ll be fine.” Kathy shot me a look. “I’ve told Lizzie that there’s nothing to worry about.”

  Realising that I’d put my foot in it again, I quickly backpedalled. “Yeah, of course it will, Lizzie.”

  Chapter 7

  “What did you think of Peter’s games room?” I asked Jack over breakfast.

  “It was great, but I don’t think he’s made the most of the space.”

  “If we had a bigger house, you could have a games room too.”

  “I might have known you’d have an ulterior motive for asking. We can’t afford to move just yet. And anyway, I can use the spare bedroom as a games room.”

  “I thought you were already doing that.”

  “A train set isn’t a game; it’s a serious hobby.”

  “What if I want somewhere for my hobbies? What am I supposed to do?”

  “You don’t have any.”

  “For your information, I’m thinking of taking up de-coo-err—that thing with the paper and glue.”

  “I assume you mean decoupage?”

  “How come you know what it’s called?”

  “Because my mum used to do it.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m thinking about it.”

  “You don’t have the patience to do anything arts and craftsy.”

  “Says who?”

  “You know you don’t.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  “We certainly will.” He smirked. “By the way, I did some checking into WWE. At first glance, it seems that what Norm said is correct. It’s essentially free electricity. The only downside I can see is that you have to sacrifice your back garden.”

  “What do you think of the idea?”

  “I’m not sure. It’s nice to be able to go and sit on the lawn in the summertime.”


  “All five days of it. How many days did we actually spend in the garden last year? I can’t remember any. Just think how much we’d save in electricity charges.”

  “We could speak to them, I guess. I’ll do it when I get the chance.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll give them a call later today.” I knew what Jack was like. He’d put it off and put it off, and it would never get done. I wanted to get the ball rolling because the money we saved on electricity we could put toward something else. A new house, for example.

  Cunning, eh?

  ***

  I was a little concerned about Mrs V’s mysterious vanishing food. There might be nothing in it—maybe Armi really had started binge eating—but I wanted to make sure nothing more sinister was going on.

  At this hour of the morning, Armi would be taking Mrs V into Washbridge, so I should be able to check on the wood nymphs without fear of being seen. Just in case Armi came back earlier than I expected, I parked the car a quarter of a mile away, and made my way on foot from there.

  “William? Mr Twigmore? Are you there?” I was behind Mrs V’s house, standing at the edge of the treeline. “William?”

  “You called? I didn’t expect to see you back here. It’s Jill, isn’t it?”

  “That’s right. That friend of mine and her husband have moved into the cottage.”

  “The old lady?”

  “That’s right. Her name is Annabel. The thing is, she’s been having a few problems since she moved in.”

  “What kind of problems?”

  “Food has gone missing. Specifically biscuits and cake.”

  “I’m not sure why you’re telling me this.”

  “I just wondered—err—I thought that maybe—”

  “Are you accusing us of stealing them?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “What then?”

  “You did say that wood nymphs liked marshmallows.”

  “Only the pink ones.”

  “Quite. I thought you might have a sweet tooth for biscuits and cakes too.”

  “So you do think it was me or my brothers that stole them?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “It’s what you’re insinuating, though. I’m not going to stand here and listen to your unfounded allegations.” He turned back to the trees and shouted. “Hey, guys, someone here is calling us thieves.”

  “That’s not true! I never said that.”

  Within a matter of moments, William was joined by another two wood nymphs, both dressed in identical green outfits.

  “Who is she?” The taller one pointed at me.

  “She’s a witch called Jill, and she’s just accused us of stealing biscuits and cake from the cottage.”

  “That’s outrageous. How dare she?”

  “Just a minute!” I said. “That’s not what I—” Before I could get the words out, they started to throw twigs at me. “Hey, guys, stop it!”

  They took no notice. Instead, they bombarded me all the more, and I was forced to beat a hasty retreat back to the car.

  That all went swimmingly.

  ***

  “Jill?” Mrs V was knitting a yellow sock. “Whatever happened to you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your hair is full of twigs.” She picked one out. “Where have you been?”

  “I—err—I went for a run this morning.”

  “Run? You?”

  “Through the woods near our house.”

  “I didn’t realise there was a wood in Smallwash. I’ve never noticed it.”

  “It’s a very small one. More of a copse, really.”

  “Didn’t you take a shower afterwards?”

  “Err—I—err—I think I hear my phone ringing.” I hurried through to my office before she could continue the third degree.

  “If it isn’t Twiggy.” Winky laughed.

  “I’m not in the mood.” I pulled another three twigs out of my hair. “I’m not having a good morning.”

  “I, on the other hand, am having an excellent morning. I’ve already taken two large orders for CatFizz.”

  “It must be great being you.”

  Before he could continue with his gloat-athon, his phone rang. “Winky here. What? No. What? Yes, I’m sure. There’s nothing to worry about. Okay. Yes, bye.” By the time he’d finished on the call, he looked much more serious.

  “Is something wrong?” I said.

  “What? No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive.” He pointed to my hair. “You missed a couple of twigs.”

  ***

  Never was a road more aptly named than Nowash Street. Located in the less salubrious part of Washbridge, the majority of shops there stood empty. I could only assume that Seb Price had chosen to open the Washbridge branch of Paragrams there because the rent was so low.

  Located above what had once been a stationer, the office was certainly a no-frills affair.

  “Seb is expecting me,” I said to the female vampire who, if the dried blood on her lips was anything to go by, had recently finished her mid-morning snack.

  “Are you Jill Maxwell?” She ran her tongue over her bottom lip, revealing her fangs, and giving me the heebie-jeebies.

  “That’s me.”

  “Seb said you should go straight through. It’s that door over there.”

  “Thanks.”

  Seb had taken the top off his computer. “I don’t suppose you know anything about these things, do you?”

  “Me? I know how to operate a mouse. That’s about it.”

  “That makes two of us. Grab a seat, Jill. I understand Stuart paid you a visit?”

  “He did, yes. He nearly gave my receptionist a heart attack.”

  “Sorry about that.” Seb smiled.

  “He was clearly upset about the complaints that you’d received about him.”

  “He’s a real pro. He takes the job very seriously. Did he tell you that he’d worked for me back in Candlefield?”

  “Yes, and that he’d not received a single complaint over there.”

  “That’s right.”

  “I’ll be honest, Seb, I’m struggling with this case. It’s not like anything I’ve handled before.”

  “Does that mean you won’t be able to help me?”

  “Not necessarily. I don’t intend to throw in the towel just yet. What I’d like to do, with your permission, is to go undercover as one of your grams.”

  “Can you sing?”

  “I have a passable voice.”

  “Okay, why not? Actually, I have a booking for a vampire next Monday. You could take that.”

  “A vampire? I thought I could be a witch-gram.”

  “The problem is that we get very few requests for witches. You could be waiting for weeks.”

  “Okay, a vampire it is.”

  I’d just left Paragrams when my phone rang; it was Mrs V.

  “Jill, the replacement sign has been installed.”

  “Fantastic!” It was about time something went right. “I’m on my way back now.”

  “Jill—”

  “I’ll be with you in a couple of minutes.”

  I legged it back to the office as quickly as I could, excited to see the long-awaited sign.

  Oh no! This couldn’t possibly be happening!

  I charged up the stairs to the office.

  “Mrs V, what happened?”

  “I did try to tell you, but you’d already hung up.”

  “It’s upside down.”

  “I know.”

  “Why didn’t you say something to the man?”

  “I did but he just laughed and then drove away.”

  “Was it Terry?”

  “No, it was one of his men.”

  “Right! I’m going to have a few choice words with our Mr Tune.”

  “Don’t say anything you might regret later, dear.”

  I stormed through to my office where I found Winky doing a handstand.

  �
��What on earth are you doing?”

  “Reading your sign.” He laughed so hard he tumbled over.

  “Serves you right.”

  “You should leave the sign like that. It could be a talking point.”

  “Be quiet. I have a phone call to make.”

  “A Sign of the Times. Terry Tune speaking.”

  “Mr Tune, I am not a happy bunny, and do you know why?”

  “Is that Jill? If you’re calling about the sign, it’s definitely being installed today.”

  “It’s already been installed.”

  “What’s wrong then? It must be okay this time. You approved the photo.”

  “I certainly did.”

  “And I personally checked and double-checked the size.”

  “The size is fine too.”

  “What’s wrong, then?”

  “It’s upside down!”

  “How do you mean?”

  “It’s not a difficult concept to grasp. It’s the opposite of the right way up.”

  “It can’t be.”

  “I must have imagined it, then. And so must my receptionist. Perhaps we’re both hallucinating.”

  “I don’t understand how it could have happened.”

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  “Can you give me a few minutes while I check with Harry. He’s the one who installed it. I’ll give him a call and get right back to you.”

  “Make sure you do.”

  “Would you like my advice?” Winky said.

  “No!”

  ***

  Mike Morley was bald with a grey moustache. Generally speaking, I like dogs, but his snappy little Yorkie was really getting on my nerves.

  “Stop it, JoJo!” he said for the tenth time in five minutes.

  He might as well have talked to the wall for all the notice that JoJo was taking of him. Any minute now she was going to take a chunk out of my ankle.

  Unless of course—snigger.

  “JoJo?” He walked over and picked her up. “She seems to have fallen asleep.”

  “It must be all that yapping.”

  “I’ve never known her to do that before.”

  “How strange, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. Anyway, thank you again for agreeing to talk to me about that day.”

  “None of this has been easy for me.”