Witch Is How To Fool Cats

by Adele Abbott

  “Thanks, I’m ready for this.”

  “You’ll be meeting with Ash. He’s with another customer at the moment, but he should only be a few minutes.”

  “No problem. Have you worked here long, Hazel?”

  “Ever since the business started. Ash is my husband.”

  “A family business, then?”

  “Yes. We both used to work for Ben and Billboards. That’s where we first met. Not long after we got married, Ash suggested we should start our own business. I was very nervous about taking the leap, but it’s all worked out really well. We tend to deal with the smaller end of the market; the type of accounts that Ben and Billboards would turn their noses up at.”

  I’d just finished my tea when two men, both wizards, came out of the office to my right. After seeing his client to the door, Ash came over to join us.

  I offered my hand. “Hi, I’m—”

  “I know who you are,” he gushed. “Hazel, why didn’t you tell me who it was?”

  His wife obviously didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.

  “Why didn’t you tell me we had a celebrity coming to see us?”

  Hazel took another look at me. “Sorry, I—err—” She was clearly none the wiser.

  “It’s Jill Maxwell.” He turned to me and shook my hand. “This is a great honour.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Come through to my office. Would you like a drink?”

  “Your wife has just given me one, thanks.”

  “Would you like another? Something stronger, perhaps?”

  “No, thanks, I’m fine.”

  “Do take a seat. Is it okay if I call you Jill?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’m Ash. Ash Tree. This is such an honour. I must apologise for Hazel. She isn’t a sports fan, so she wouldn’t have realised who you are.”

  “There’s really no need to apologise.”

  “Will you be taking part in the next Elite Competition?”

  “I’m not sure.” Not if I had any say in it.

  “You must. You really must. You’re by far the most powerful witch I’ve ever seen in action.”

  “Thank you. That’s very kind.”

  “I have all of your memorabilia. Hazel won’t allow me to keep it in the house, so I have to store it in the loft.”

  “Right.”

  “I do dust it every week, though.”

  This was starting to get a tiny bit weird.

  “Perhaps we should discuss the reason for my visit?”

  “Sorry, I got a little carried away. How can I be of assistance?”

  Chapter 18

  It was lunchtime, and I was feeling quite peckish, so I decided to call in at Coffee Games for a sandwich and a coffee.

  “Hey, Piers, is it my imagination or do you have more piercings in your ears than the last time I saw you?”

  “I’ve had another two in each ear. Do you like them?”

  “They’re very nice, but aren’t the earrings rather heavy?”

  “I’m okay so long as I make sure I have the same number in each ear, otherwise it can be difficult to keep my balance.”

  “I never would have thought of that. Do you have to avoid strong magnets too?”

  “Sorry?”

  “It doesn’t matter. Can I get one of those ham and cheese sandwiches and a latte?”

  “Caramel?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Just then, something came sailing past my ear and landed on the counter.

  “Sorry about that, Jill. It’s tiddlywinks day.”

  “Really? That’s quite fortuitous because I have a tiddlywinks match scheduled for tomorrow. Maybe I could get in a little practice.”

  “Who are you playing against in your match tomorrow?”

  “I—err—someone from the office.”

  “Here you are.” He handed me a pot and a bag of winks. “I’ll bring your coffee and sandwich over.”

  “Thanks.”

  As it was lunchtime, the place was packed. I was beginning to think I wouldn’t find a free table where I could hone my already excellent tiddlywink skills.

  “Jill! Over here!”

  Did you hear that sound? That was the sound of my heart sinking as I realised who’d called my name.

  “Mr Ivers. Fancy seeing you here.”

  “It’s my day off. Why don’t you join me?”

  “I don’t want to disturb your lunch.”

  “I don’t mind, and besides there are no other free tables.”

  A quick glance around confirmed my worst fears: he was right—there wasn’t another free table in the place.

  “Okay, thanks. Where’s your new girlfriend? Sorry, I’ve forgotten her name.”

  “Ivy.”

  “Of course.”

  “She’s working today.”

  “How’s it going with you two?”

  “Fantastic. We’re so compatible. Who’d have thought I’d find someone who shared my passion for glove puppets and movies?”

  Who indeed?

  “There you go, Jill.” Piers handed me my sandwich and drink. “I thought you were going to practise tiddlywinks?”

  “I—err—”

  “I love tiddlywinks,” Mr Ivers interjected. “Why don’t you and I have a game, Jill?”

  “Actually, I don’t have long. There’s somewhere I need to be.”

  “Just the one game.”

  “Okay, but only the one.”

  At least while we were playing tiddlywinks, I didn’t have to make small talk with Ivers. Plus, I’d have the satisfaction of beating him. They didn’t call me Tiddly for nothing.

  “Ladies first,” he insisted.

  I took aim and gave it my best shot. I figured that once he’d seen what I was made of, he’d throw in the towel.

  “Unlucky.” He grinned as my wink hit the brim of the pot and dropped onto the tabletop. “My turn now.”

  The concentration was etched on his face as he addressed the wink. His technique was like nothing I’d seen before. He used both hands, apparently to try and apply maximum force to the wink. This was going to be so funny.

  The wink shot past my ear and hit the wall of the booth. I was just about to ridicule Ivers when it bounced back towards the table and landed in the pot.

  “Yes!” He punched the air.

  “What a fluke.” I shook my head in disbelief.

  “That was no fluke. That was my rebound wink. It took me ages to perfect.”

  Yeah, sure. If he thought I was buying that nonsense, he had another wink coming.

  “Nice shot.” I couldn’t let him think I was flustered.

  My next attempt was much more accurate and landed in the centre of the pot.

  “Good shot, Jill.” He was doing something even more weird with the wink this time. “I call this one the air wink.”

  Who was he kidding with his stupid names? He clearly didn’t have the first clue what he was doing.

  This time the wink shot towards the ceiling. It was my game for the taking now. The man was a born loser.

  Clink!

  What? How was that even possible? The wink had almost hit the ceiling but then dropped back down and landed in the pot.

  “You’re so lucky, Mr Ivers.”

  “There’s no luck involved, Jill. These shots took me years to master.”

  “Do you honestly expect me to believe you meant to do that?”

  “Of course I did. Would you like to see the boomerang wink?”

  And so it was that I was forced to witness not only the boomerang wink, but also the reverse wink, the sliding wink and all manner of other winks.

  By the time I left Coffee Games, I was all winked out, and my confidence had been well and truly shattered.

  “Hey, Jill!” Deli called from across the road.

  I’d been intending to have it out with her; this seemed as good a time as any.

  “Can I have a quiet word, Deli?”

  “Sure. Le
t’s go into the office.” She led the way through the shop where Nails appeared to be giving a pedicure to a woman with a rat on her lap. Or maybe it was a chihuahua.

  “I didn’t realise Nails was qualified to do pedicures.”

  “Oh yes. Feet are a speciality of his. I could get him to do yours if you can wait a few minutes.”

  “Err, no thanks.” I waited until we were in the office and she’d closed the door before I continued. “How are the beauty audits going, Deli?”

  “It’s going really well. They’ve proven to be very popular with our customers.”

  “That’s great. At least it would be if the thing wasn’t a con.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Come on, Deli, you can’t kid a kidder. The reports that the machine produces are meaningless.”

  “That’s not true. It’s all very scientific.”

  “Rubbish. Mrs V, Jules and I compared our reports and they were identical.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive. How can the three of us all need exactly the same treatments?”

  “That is rather strange, particularly in view of the age difference. I can see how Mrs V and you might have similar results. But Jules? Hmm, that doesn’t seem right.”

  Me and Mrs V? The cheek!

  “Why don’t we go and take a look at the BAN?”

  “It’s BNA.” She corrected me. “Beauty Needs Analyser.”

  “Whatever.”

  “There might be someone in there.”

  There wasn’t; the room was empty.

  “Jill, be careful! You might break it.”

  There was precious little to break inside the machine. There were no complicated electronics or sensors—nothing like that. But it did kind of remind me of something.

  “This is just a printer, Deli. There’s no wonder it produces the same report for everyone who uses it.”

  She just shrugged.

  “Is that it? Don’t you have anything else to say for yourself?”

  “It’s all your fault, Jill.”

  “My fault? How is it my fault?”

  “You were the one who said I shouldn’t worry about your grandmother’s salon. And that I should focus on my own business.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t mean that you should do something like this. This is downright dishonest.”

  “Are you trying to tell me that your grandmother doesn’t do anything underhanded?”

  “I—err—”

  “That’s what I thought. I’m just doing what I need to, to survive. You aren’t going to dob me in, are you?”

  “No, of course not, but you can’t continue to do this.”

  “Maybe I could get Nails to program in a few different reports?”

  “No, that would still be dishonest. You need to get rid of this machine and come up with another plan.”

  “Fine. I have a few more surprises up my sleeve, anyway.”

  She didn’t say what they were, and I certainly had no intention of asking.

  ***

  I spent most of the afternoon catching up on paperwork and my accounts—not exactly my favourite aspect of the job, but it had to be done.

  “Have you been to Coffee Games today?” Winky said.

  “Why do you ask?”

  “A little bird told me it was tiddlywinks day down there. I thought maybe you were getting in some practice ahead of our match tomorrow.”

  “I don’t need to practise to beat you.”

  “We’ll see. Incidentally, did I tell you that I’ve been nominated for the best dressed cat in Washbridge?”

  “How can that be? Most of the time you don’t wear any clothes.”

  “You haven’t seen me when I’m out on the town. I’m known as something of a dandy.”

  “If you say so. Is it some kind of competition?”

  “Yeah, it’s being run by Cat Cool magazine. It’s quite a prestigious award.”

  “That’s great, but I really need to concentrate on this paperwork. The accountant is due in a couple of weeks.”

  “Are we insolvent yet?”

  “Of course not.” I hesitated. “Can you just remind me again. What’s insolvent?”

  “Oh boy.” He put his head in his paws, and then turned and walked away.

  ***

  We were on our way to Lizzie’s school to see the play.

  “What’s in the carrier bag?” Jack said.

  “The authentic pixie costume.”

  “Why have you brought that? I thought Lizzie had decided to wear the other one.”

  “The sack, you mean? I’m hoping good sense and taste will prevail and that she’ll have a change of heart.”

  “Please don’t refer to it as a sack when we’re with Kathy and Peter.”

  “As if I would. I’m nothing if not diplomatic.”

  “Hmm.”

  Kathy and Peter were waiting for us outside the school gates.

  “What’s in the bag?” Kathy said. “You haven’t brought your own refreshments, have you?”

  “Of course not.”

  “I know what a cheapskate you are.”

  “Cheek.”

  “What is it, then?”

  “Err, just some work stuff. I thought I might get chance to do some during the interval. Where’s Mikey?”

  “He didn’t want to come. He’s gone to a friend’s house to play Xbox.” Kathy checked her watch. “The play starts in ten minutes. Come on, we’d better find some seats.”

  I’d been hoping we might be seated at the back of the hall so no one would notice if I happened to nod off. No such luck; we were on the second row.

  When Lizzie made her first appearance, halfway through the first scene, I thought I showed commendable restraint. I desperately wanted to shout, ‘why is she wearing a sack?’, but I bit my tongue and said nothing.

  I hadn’t really given much thought to the title of the play, but as the performance proceeded, the theme became more and more familiar. It was set in two different locations: in this world and in another world. The other world, which was called Candleton, was home to all manner of supernatural creatures including: witches, wizards, vampires, werewolves and of course, sack-wearing pixies.

  I wasn’t the only one to notice because Jack gave me a nudge, and whispered, “Candleton? What’s going on?”

  “I’ve no idea, but I intend to find out.”

  When the interval finally arrived, Peter and Jack went to get drinks and ice cream.

  “Wasn’t Lizzie brilliant?” Kathy beamed.

  “She was great.” And she’d have been even better if she hadn’t been wearing a sack.

  What do you mean it’s time to let it go?

  “This is the best play the school has ever put on,” Kathy said.

  “It’s certainly unusual. Who wrote it?”

  “The English teacher, Mrs Mathers, I think. She only joined the school a few months ago. She’s brilliant with the kids; they all adore her.”

  “Is she here tonight?”

  “Yes. That’s her over there, in the corner.” Kathy pointed. “The young woman with the glasses. Why?”

  “Oh, no reason. Err, I have to nip to the loo.”

  I hurried over to the far corner of the room where Mrs Mathers was chatting with some of the parents. I waited until they’d finished their conversation, and then said to her, “Do you think I could have a word?”

  She turned around, and it was obvious from her expression that she’d registered I was a witch. “Err, sure. How can I help you?”

  “Do you think we could talk somewhere in private?”

  “The play will be starting again in a few minutes.”

  “That’s okay. This won’t take long. Is there somewhere we can go?”

  “We can find an empty room if you like.”

  I followed her out of the hall and down the corridor to what looked like an art classroom.

  “What’s going on?” I confronted her.

  “What
do you mean?”

  “Don’t give me that. Candleton? Really? Another World? You’re basically describing the real sup world.”

  “Oh dear.” She took a seat at one of the desks. “I—err—I didn’t mean to—”

  “If the rogue retrievers get wind of this, your feet won’t touch the ground.”

  “Are you going to tell them?” She looked up at me, and I could see the tears welling in her eyes.

  “No, I won’t tell them, but there may be other sups here, and who’s to say one of them won’t report you?”

  “What shall I do? Do you think I should call the play off?”

  “I don’t see how you can. Not in the middle of a performance. The publicity that might generate would be even worse. How many days is the play scheduled to run?”

  “Just tonight.”

  “That’s something, I guess.”

  “I’m really sorry about this. I just wanted to make a good impression. This is my first teaching job.”

  “In the human world, you mean?”

  “Anywhere.” She began to sob. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for it.”

  Now I felt terrible. “Don’t be daft. My sister tells me you’re a great teacher.”

  “Honestly? Did she really say that?”

  “Yes.” I took her hand. “Come on, we’d better get back before the second half starts.”

  “Thanks. I’m Molly Mathers, by the way.”

  “Jill Maxwell. Kathy Brooks is my sister. Her little girl, Lizzie, is the pixie.”

  “Lizzie? She’s a little darling.”

  “She certainly is.”

  “Doesn’t she look great in that pixie costume?”

  “Err, yeah. Great.”

  Chapter 19

  “Are you still angry?” Jack said.

  “Angry? Why on earth would I be angry?” I snapped. “I blame myself. As soon as you told me it was Mr Hosey who’d recommended the restaurant, the alarm bells should have rung.”

  “The food wasn’t all that bad.”

  “Do you mean the signals pie, or perhaps you’re referring to the shunting buffet?”

  “I honestly thought he said it was an Indian restaurant. I wouldn’t have suggested that we go there otherwise.”

  “Yes, Jack, but it wasn’t an Indian restaurant, was it? It was an Engine restaurant.”