by Kayla Carson
It was the song that Derek, and I first danced to in middle school. Morgan could say what she wanted about him, but I knew that he was a safe choice. We shared something that I'd never have with anyone else. History. A history built on friendship, and a strong foundation. After twelve years, I knew that we were at least compatible. We had the same goals, and I knew that we could live an easy life together.
I wasn't naive. I knew that Derek and I would never have that all consuming, passionate love that I've read about in novels. But I also knew that he was it for me, so I made the best of it. I thought about what our kids would look like, and where we'd live. Our first real house together, and how we'd make it a home. There were so many firsts that I'd experienced with him, and I knew that there were more to come. I looked down at the ring on my finger, and wiggled it under the light. Derek was the first and only man that I've been with, and I was the same for him. We were firsts, and now we'd be lasts.
Sometimes wishing things were one way, when they were actually another was the only way to get through the day. I imagined going home to him, and he'd be happy to see me. That he'd welcome me with a kiss, and tell me that he loved me. Wishful thinking, but it made me smile any way.
When my Uber pulled up a few minutes later, I tucked my phone back into my purse and climbed into the backseat. After giving the driver my address, I laid my head back against the headrest and stared out the window. The stars were bright tonight, and the sky was littered with them. I was going to miss them when I moved to New York. Stars never seem to shine as bright near the city lights.
I thought about texting Derek to let him know that I was on my way, but then I thought I'd surprise him instead. The Uber driver was quiet, and I was grateful. Most of the time I wound up with a talker, and while small talk was part of every day life I often had nothing to say. My life was pretty boring compared to most people my age, and I always felt like I was an old soul. Even the music that I listened to was well before my time.
My favorite artist was Bonnie Raitt, and I even had all of her albums on record. I have my dad to blame for that though. He bought me a vintage record player for my tenth birthday, and I've never looked back. The clicks, and pops, and white noise made the music come alive for me. I became obsessed with vinyl then, and last time I checked I had over three hundred albums in total. It was something that Morgan, and Derek often teased me for but I never let it bother me.
When we finally pulled into my apartment complex it was a little after nine. Still early enough that Derek would be awake, but late enough that he'd be laying in bed by now. Probably laying with his back against the wall watching something on Netflix. Not that he'd be paying attention. He just needed the background noise to concentrate while he read.
I paid my driver, and slowly made my way up the stairs until I reached the second floor of the building. I dug my keys from my purse then, and as quietly as I could I slipped into my apartment. I set my purse, and keys down on the kitchen counter, before stepping out of my shoes. Suddenly a very naughty idea popped into my head. My bra was still in my bag, so I pulled my shirt over my head and left it on the back of the couch. I slid out of the leather leggings, and my panties next tossing them in the same direction.
I was feeling mischievous, and I knew that the only thing prying Derek away from his book tonight would be me. The bedroom door was shut, and I tried to keep myself from giggling as I opened it, and posed in the door frame.
“Honey, I'm home!” I said in a sexy, sing song voice.
When I saw the sheets move, and heard the shrill squeal of a feminine voice I thought that I was dreaming. I stood there. Stock still, in the buff, watching as a blonde sprang from my bed and scooped her clothing up from the floor in handfuls. I was frozen, as Derek pulled on his boxer shorts and rushed towards me. I could see his lips moving, and the fear in his eyes, but I couldn't hear a word he was saying.
I felt the woman brush past me, and faintly heard the familiar slam of my apartment door. Derek's hands were on my shoulders, and he was shaking me. Trying to make me look at him. I was in some kind of trance. I couldn't move. I had spent the last hour thinking about him, and our life together, and now it was over. All of it. New York, the house, kids, our entire future was just... gone.
“Dammit Ronnie, look at me!” He yelled in desperation. “Please.”
I blinked rapidly, before doing as he asked.
“Why?” I asked softly, as a tear slid down my face.
He reached up to wipe it away, and I took a step back.
“Why?” I asked again, with more conviction this time.
“I don't know.” He shrugged. “I was lonely. You're always with Morgan, and when you're here it's like your head's a million miles away.”
I shook my head. “Twelve years.”
“I know, baby girl.” He said, grabbing my robe from the back of the door and handing it to me.
“Who was she?” I asked, as I accepted the gesture.
“It doesn't matter.”
“How long?”
“Ronnie-”
“How long?” I snapped, as angry tears began to fall from my eyes.
“Why don't we go out to the living room, huh?” He cooed.
“No.” I said, standing my ground.
“It was a mistake Ronnie. A stupid mistake. We're getting married soon, and I just...you're the only woman I've ever been with. I guess I just wondered what it would be like-”
“You wondered what it would be like?” I asked, with disbelief. “We aren't talking about a new meal, or a new band Derek. You cheated on me!”
“I fucked up!” He said, raising his voice. “What more do you want? I'm sorry, OK! It was a mistake, and I swear to God it will never happen again! She didn't mean a God damn thing to me baby girl, I swear. It's you, and me baby girl it always has been.”
His voice softened with every word, and as he began to walk towards me a part of me wanted to give in. I wanted to tell him that it was OK, and let him pull me into his arms because they were all that I knew. Even though I hated him in this moment, those arms were still the place that I felt the safest. No matter how mad I was, or what kind of day I had. I always pretended that if I crawled into bed with him, and he wrapped his arms around me things would somehow be better. Until now.
“I can't do this.” I said, turning away from him.
“Ronnie, please-” He said, placing his hand on my shoulder to stop me.
The tears came hot, and fast then, and I could no longer hold them back. I brought my hands to my face, and then I dropped down onto my knees. I could feel Derek behind me, holding me, trying to console me and it only made me cry harder. The very person who I sought comfort from was the one causing me pain, and I had no idea what to do with those feelings.
“Baby girl, I'm so sorry.” He sobbed. “I never meant to hurt you. You have to believe me.”
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I needed to take control of this situation. Sitting here on the floor was getting me no where, and the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to walk away. Without a word I stood, and walked into the bedroom. I shut, and locked the door behind me, and then I grabbed my suitcases from the closet and began to pack my clothes.
I heard the door knob jiggle, and when it didn't open, Derek knocked on it lightly.
“Let me in baby girl, please.” He begged.
I ignored him, as I opened my dresser drawers and tossed their contents into my suitcases. He knocked again, and again, getting angrier by the second. My tears started all over again, and by the time I'd finished packing, the knocking had become so incessant that I thought I was going to lose my mind.
With my luggage in tow I flung the door open, and a very disheveled Derek nearly fell through it. His eyes immediately went to my bags before snapping back up to my own.
“Ronnie, please don't do this. We can work things out baby-”
“Move.” I said with conviction.
“No. I won't lose you.
I can't.”
I tried to push past him, but his strong frame held me in place.
“Derek-”
“No. We can't just throw twelve years away because I was an idiot.”
“You did this!” I said abandoning my suitcases, and giving him a hard shove. “You! There is no we anymore!”
“You don't mean that.”
“There was another woman in our bed, Derek! Our bed!”
“You've done nothing but push me away! What did you expect?”
“So it's my fault that you couldn't keep it in your pants?” I asked with exasperation.
“I'm a man, and I have needs!”
I don't know what came over me, but hearing those words just set me off. Without thinking I raised my hand, and I slapped him right across his face. He was completely stunned. I wasn't a violent person. I let everyone walk all over me just to appease them, and tonight... I had finally had enough.
I snatched my suitcase handles, and I marched past him only stopping to grab my purse from the counter. It wasn't until I'd reached my car that I realized I was only wearing my bathrobe. I couldn't turn back now though, because if I did I may not have the strength to leave again. With fumbling hands I opened the trunk, and tossed my bags inside before shutting myself into the car.
As I pulled away from my building there was only one place that I wanted to be. So, I blue toothed my phone to my radio and I called my Dad.
TWO
MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED when I was thirteen years old, but I still had a great relationship with both of them. I was equally close to both of them, but I knew that my dad wouldn't ask any questions. He'd open the door, and pour me a glass of whiskey while I put my things away. He'd tell me about his day, and we'd get into a discussion about the latest antique he'd found at the flea market. I needed easy conversation right now. No explanations, no tears, just... easy.
It was after ten when I pulled into his driveway, and I could see him sitting in the front room. He'd turned the porch light on for me, and I smiled at the small gesture. I parked my car beside his truck, and then I grabbed my purse. I decided to leave my luggage in the trunk for now to avoid unnecessary questions.
Before I had a chance to reach for the handle, he pulled the door open from the inside. I could see the question in his eyes as he took in my choice of clothing, but just as I suspected he didn't say a word. Instead, he ushered me inside and brought me out one of his tee shirts, and a pair of sweat pants.
I took the clothes, and went into the bathroom to change before returning to the kitchen once again. He was sitting at the island with two glasses of whiskey, and I smiled. Sometimes a little predictability was a good thing. I claimed the seat beside him, and brought the glass to my lips taking a nice slow sip.
“How was your day?” He asked, before doing the same.
“I'm pretty sure we bagged our last investor.”
“That's great news, honey.”
“What about you?” I asked.
“I hit a few garage sales after work. Found a couple of bicycles, and an HO scale train set. It's a Tyco. Never been opened.”
“Wow. I can't wait to see it.”
“Maybe we can set it up tomorrow? After breakfast?”
“It's a date.” I said, before polishing off the rest of my glass.
He stood then, kissing the top of my head. “Goodnight, honey.”
“Night, Dad.”
I heard his bedroom door shut, and I stood to grab the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet. I refilled my glass, and then pulled my phone from the pocket of my purse. Nineteen missed calls, and nearly forty text messages. All from Derek, and all asking me when I was coming home. I thought about calling Morgan, but if I knew her like I thought I did she was most likely somewhere swanky underneath of Mister Stetson.
I powered my phone off, and after polishing off my second glass I poured another. Usually, the burn of the whiskey as it slid down my throat put me off. Not tonight though. Tonight I welcomed the harsh sting. Relished in it. So I kept drinking. I poured glass, after glass until the bottle was nearly empty. My head was spinning, and when I stood my legs were shaky.
I used the furniture to get myself into my childhood bedroom, and the instant I fell down onto the plush bed I let out a sigh of relief. I pulled the comforter up, and over my chest before closing my eyes. Suddenly the only thing I could see was the blonde straddling Derek in our bed. Her long curls flowing over her shoulders as she worked her hips. His hands on her waist, guiding her. Suddenly I felt sick.
I scrambled up from the bed, and bolted into the bathroom across the hall barely making it to the toilet. I ejected the contents of my stomach over, and over again until there was nothing left. I was dry heaving now, and that's when the tears crept their way back to the surface. I lay in a crumpled heap on my dad's bathroom floor reeking of vomit, and self loathing. I had never felt more worthless in my entire life.
I had given twelve years to Derek. I had taken care of him when he was sick, and supported him when he wasn't working. I spent my savings on him, and never once used it for myself. All because I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was deserving, and it didn't matter anyway. If he wanted something, and I could make him happy I did it. I always felt like I was the lucky one because he loved me. He loved me. With all of my flaws, and imperfections. What if I never found someone to love me again? What if leaving was a mistake?
I pulled myself up from the floor then, and splashed cold water on my face before opening the spare toothbrush from the medicine cabinet. I brushed my teeth, and used some of dad's mouthwash before washing my face off once again. My eyes were puffy, and my cheeks were pale but I needed to go back home.
My mind made up, I pulled the bathroom door open with conviction. Instead of walking through it however, I was stopped by my dad. His arms were crossed, and from the look on his face I could tell that he was not amused.
“Dad?” I asked, taking a step back.
“You don't have to tell me anything, but you are not going back home tonight.”
“Dad, I just-”
“You drained an entire bottle of whiskey, and I could hear you crying from my bedroom. You came here for a reason tonight. Sleep on it. No decision needs to be made right now.”
My bottom lip quivered, and he pulled me into a tight hug. He wasn't a hugger. This wasn't something that we normally did. Even when we said goodbye on the telephone we never said 'I love you.' Feeling his strong arms around me right now though, in the midst of everything seemed to be exactly what I needed. He was right. Whatever I decided I needed to really think on it.
He broke our hug a few seconds later, and used his thumbs to wipe my tears. I sniffled, and he gave me a warm smile.
“Get some sleep.” He said, softly.
I nodded, and then he turned on his heel and went back to his bedroom. I took a few deep breaths, and then I did the same. With the comforter back over me, and the sound of the newly fallen rain to lull me to sleep I closed my eyes.
I WOKE UP THE NEXT morning to the smell of bacon and eggs. My stomach nearly recoiled, but I managed to keep the nausea at bay. After brushing my teeth I made my way out to the kitchen in search of my dad. Imagine my surprise when I rounded the corner to find my mom sitting across from him drinking a cup of coffee.
“Mom?” I asked, with surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“Your dad called me. Apparently you couldn't be bothered to.” She said, arching a brow.
“Traitor.” I said, as I brushed past him to pour myself a cup of coffee.
“You look like hell.” My mom said, as she accepted a plate of food from my dad.
“Good morning to you too, mom.” I said, rolling my eyes when she couldn't see me.
“Care to explain yourself young lady?”
“You know, I'd really like to... but dad and I have a train set to put together.”
“Veronica Locke!” She chastised. “Stop shutting me out. You can't just put
your problems in a box and duct tape the lid on.”
“I've got flex tape, I'm good.”
My dad chuckled, and I smiled as I sat down beside him. He handed me a fork, and I tossed my hash browns around my plate before taking a small bite. My stomach wasn't exactly cooperating with me right now, but I was starving. Since I was eating, my mom decided to stop berating me for now. But, I knew as soon as my plate was empty I'd be fair game again.
The three of us sat, and ate in an oddly comfortable silence. It wasn't like my parents didn't get along, but it often felt awkward when we all shared the same space for too long. I'm sure they talked about me at length this morning, and decided their best course of action would be to create a united front. After all their only child showed up half naked, and then got herself so drunk that she nearly tossed her cookies in the spare bedroom.
When I was sure I couldn't hold the conversation off any longer, I took my plate and set it in the sink. I tried to kill time by rinsing the other dishes, but my mom clearing her throat multiple times told me that her patience was wearing thin. It didn't matter how old I got, when mom gave me the look I still felt like a small child being scolded.
I sighed heavily, before reclaiming the seat beside my dad.
“Derek cheated on me.” I said, devoid of any emotion. Just cut, dry and to the point.
My mom's eyes grew wide, and my dad's hands clenched into fists beside me. Two equally appropriate reactions, although I was leaning towards dad's. The thought of my dad giving Derek a black eye, or two suddenly crossed my mind and I outwardly smiled.
“Ronnie?” My mom asked, bringing my attention back to her. “Did he apologize?”
I looked at her as if she had horns growing out of her head.
“Did he... apologize?” I scoffed. “That's what you want to know?”