Thin Air

by Storm Constantine

  Dex was silent for a moment. ‘I didn’t want to put you in danger. I thought you’d get over me.’

  ‘Some people you never get over,’ Jay said. ‘I learned to live with it, that’s all. I’ll never meet anyone like you again.’

  Dex pulled a rueful face. ‘I’m not that special, Jay, not really. I’m an ordinary northern bloke, who got lucky. You wouldn’t have looked twice at me otherwise.’

  Jay shook her head in exasperation. ‘It didn’t matter to me about the fame, the adulation. Can’t you understand? You could have been a brick-layer. It was never about that.’

  ‘We wouldn’t even have met if I wasn’t what I was.’

  ‘But we did meet. It happened. It was precious.’

  He took her hands and rested his forehead on them. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

  Jay kissed his hair, inhaled that familiar smell. She wanted to hold him, absorb his pain, cleanse him. Perhaps there would be a time for that. She withdrew her hands from beneath his. ‘Dex, you have to tell me now: what stirred it all up again? Why did Sakrilege take an interest in me after three years? Why did someone say they’d seen us together?’

  Dex raised his head. ‘It might be partly because I showed up at Lorrance’s house. I let him see me. I wanted to fucking spook him and I did. He probably thought I’d decided to return to my old life and that I’d make contact with you.’

  ‘Would you have done, if Sakrilege hadn’t taken that interest in me?’

  He paused. ‘Jay, I don’t know. I thought about you a lot. But I was screwed up with self-pity. I thought I was bad news for you.’

  ‘Dex, shut up. We were good for each other. Whatever the consequences, you should have confided in me. I’d have faced death for you. Didn’t you realise that? My life without you was so empty. If you were trying to spare me, you didn’t. I’d have been happier being with you, whatever we had to face. I could have been your strength.’

  ‘You were,’ he said. ‘And I was wrong to do what I did. But at the time, there seemed no other way.’

  ‘So where do we go from here?’

  He might have misinterpreted the question, or simply didn’t want to answer it. ‘All I can tell you is that I feel a movement in the world. It’s as if big clouds are gathering in the sky. Power resides in the songs I wrote, power that Lorrance gave to me. They were worth more than anyone knew. I might not have been able to release them, but I wrote them, Jay, I sang them. Something is going to change. I can sense it. Three Swords have enemies. Not everyone with power in the world uses it for selfish reasons.’

  ‘How do you know? Who are these enemies?’

  ‘It sounds crazy, but I think they’re a kind of force for balance. I’ve never met any of them, but I’ve felt them.’ He frowned. ‘It all goes on above us, Jay. Silent unseen wars and power struggles. It’s happening all the time, and most people never know. I think it’s happening now. Lorrance’s enemies want the tapes, because they’d give them access to his power. Then, they would be able to pierce Three Swords’ weak spots. The songs are like spells. It’s hard to accept, I know, but it’s the truth.’

  ‘I can accept that people might believe that,’ Jay said. She narrowed her eyes. ‘Someone must have thought I’d lead them to you - and the tapes.’

  Dex looked at her bleakly. ‘There are no tapes, Jay.’

  ‘What?’ She’d been through hell for nothing.

  ‘I destroyed them,’ Dex said. ‘That’s why I left the empty box back home. I thought you’d realise.’

  Jay’s eyes were wide. . ‘You must let Lorrance know this, Dex. Wouldn’t Sakrilege leave me alone, then?’

  Dex pulled a scornful face. ‘I don’t think it would make much difference. Lorrance will be furious I slipped away from his hold. He’s quite capable of punishing you in my place and is probably already doing so. I think he enjoys destroying people. He’s powerful and he’s amoral. His mind is strong, and his life force, and his will. He despises people, because he thinks they are beneath him in every way, and perhaps most of them are. He’s not all bad, Jay, because if he was, he wouldn’t be able to affect people the way he does. I’m sure he’s convinced that what he does it right, perhaps even inevitable. You don’t have to like him, but you can almost admire what he is. He, and people like him, run the world.’ Dex put his finger into a pool of liquid on the table top, stirred it round. ‘People who control the media control the thoughts of the people, their desires and aspirations, even their opinions.’

  ‘Don’t believe everything you read in the press, right?’ Jay made a scornful sound. ‘Dex, I’m a journalist. My work is about truth.’

  ‘Your work?’ Dex asked archly.

  There was a silence. ‘I still have my work,’ Jay said. ‘Lorrance can’t stop me writing, or influence my opinions. I could publish stuff myself, sell it on the street, post it on the internet.’

  ‘You could try,’ said Dex. ‘But now you’re here, in Lestholme, where the lost ones hide.’

  ‘OK, let’s talk about this place, shall we?’ Jay said. She gestured widely with her arms. ‘I still want a rational explanation.’

  Dex glanced at Jem, who so far had remained silent. ‘I want to know, too,’ she said.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Dex asked her.

  She nodded.

  ‘OK, there is no rational explanation. Lestholme is a fantasy place, a land removed from ordinary reality that perhaps has no boundaries.’ His gestures became more emphatic. ‘Most of us exist on one level of reality, but under the right circumstances, it’s possible for us to enter another layer or level. The people who come here make a decision to leave their lives, in whatever way. Dark light falls from the monument on the hill. It attracts them, because despite its power, it provides succour. People can be ghosts here.’

  ‘Dex,’ Jay said warningly. ‘I can’t accept that. It sounds like the ramblings of an addled mind.’

  ‘But that’s it! You can’t accept it because you’ve lived all your life in the mundane world. People like the higher echelons of Three Swords know there’s more to existence than that. Their ability to accept the unbelievable is what gives them their advantage. Charney is the real god here, Jay, not Lorrance. He’s the one with the greater knowledge and understanding.’

  Jay wrinkled her nose, rubbed her face. ‘Supposing, just supposing, I can suspend disbelief and take in what you’re saying. I still don’t understand why Lorrance should be seen as a god at all. Surely, he should be the devil for the people here?’

  Dex considered this. ‘He’s not really a god, just a symbol. To be a god, wouldn’t he have to be aware of Lestholme? Lorrance runs ‘The Eye’ tabloid for Three Swords. If you like, the villagers are the sacrificial victims of ‘The Eye’, the eye of god. Charney is the dark light behind all gods.’ Dex made an earnest gesture. ‘People need symbols. It’s how they understand the things they cannot see or even perceive. In your reality, Charney and Lorrance are simply powerful men, perhaps evil, but here, and maybe in other levels, they become their aspirations.’

  Jay stared at him, her mind reeling. She did not doubt his sincerity. If she believed him, she had her explanation, rational or not, but she still found it hard to accept. ‘Whatever this place is, however it exists, I don’t want to stay here forever. How do I get out, Dex? How do I get back what was mine? Do you know?’

  He paused, then nodded uncertainly. ‘I think all you need to get out is the true desire to return. You can go back when you’re ready. Are you ready?’

  Jay took a deep breath. ‘Yes. I am. I couldn’t leave before, because I hadn’t found you, and I think some part of me knew instinctively I’d find you here. Now, I want to face what’s out there, not hide away.’ She paused. ‘Will you come with me?’

  He stared at her steadily. ‘I’ll take you out, yes. There’s something I’d like to demonstrate to you.’

  Jay sensed the reticence in his words. He would not stay out there with her, and she would not beg. She sighed t
hrough her nose. ‘OK, so how are we going to do it? I’ve tried to leave before, and I thought I really wanted to, but it didn’t work.’

  He smiled. ‘We’ll catch the bus.’

  Jay was unsure of how to say goodbye to Jem, because she didn’t know whether she’d ever see the girl again, but Jem did not appear to be upset. She held Jay’s hand as they walked with Dex through the dark lanes beyond Lestholme’s heart. ‘What do you think about what you’ve heard?’ Jay asked her.

  Jem shrugged. ‘It makes a kind of sense, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Of a kind.’ Jay paused. ‘Jem, do you want to come with me?’

  Jem shook her head emphatically. ‘No.’

  Jay felt slightly offended. ‘But I might not come back.’

  Jem glanced up at her. ‘You will.’

  ‘You don’t know me that well.’

  Dex had halted ahead of them, and was gazing up the lane into darkness.

  ‘I’ll have to go home now,’ Jem said.

  Jay thought she was afraid of seeing the bus, perhaps anxious that she might be compelled to climb aboard. ‘OK.’ She leaned down and hugged Jem. ‘We’re friends,’ she said.

  Jem kissed her cheek. ‘I know. Take care.’ She began to skip back down the lane into Lestholme, pausing only once to turn back and wave.

  Jay’s heart felt heavy. Was she doing the right thing? She had many friends here, and now she was walking away from them, without so much as a farewell. Back to what? The selfishness and betrayal of people who cared only for themselves; a mountain of debt; all the problems she’d left behind.

  ‘Ready, Jay?’ Dex asked.

  Jay turned back to him. She saw a wavering radiance, as of headlights, approaching them. ‘Yes.’

  The single-decker bus looked ordinary in the extreme, as it squeezed between the high hedges of the lane. It pulled to a halt alongside Jay and Dex, and the doors slid open. Jay looked up into the face of the driver; a man in a smart uniform. He smiled a greeting, and beckoned them up. What kind of creature could he be? Was this just a job to him? Did he get paid, have a wife and family somewhere to whom he returned when his work was done? Or was he like the people who lived in Lestholme, living a shadow life.

  There was no fee to pay. Jay and Dex climbed aboard, into the yellow green light within.

  ‘You’ll be going to London, then,’ said the driver. The doors hissed shut behind them.

  There was only one other person on the bus, huddled up against the window near the back, muffled to the ears in a dark great-coat. ‘He never gets off,’ Dex murmured.

  Jay sat down, gripping the shiny rail of the seat in front of her. ‘This is too weird,’ she muttered.

  The bus did not go into the centre of the village, where it would have been able to turn around with comparative ease. Instead, the driver executed some complicated manoeuvring involving a farm track. Jay felt light-headed. She was leaving, going back to what she’d left behind. Was she mad?

  ‘How did the driver know where we wanted to go?’ she asked in a whisper.

  Dex shrugged. ‘He knows, that’s all. It’s his function to know.’

  Jay narrowed her eyes at him. ‘This is all too Lovecraft for me. Is the driver an ordinary man?’

  ‘I expect he was. Once.’

  Jay sighed, shook her head. She knew she’d get no clear answers, perhaps because there were none. She’d been used to gathering facts, putting them into an order that made sense, revealed the story. ‘So what happens when we get back to town?’ she asked. ‘Will I be able to go straight to the flat?’ It seemed the obvious course of action.

  Dex shook his head. ‘Well, you could, but there’s a party I’d like to take you to first.’

  ‘A party?’ Jay laughed scornfully. ‘Great! Just what I need.’

  ‘It’s an information gathering foray,’ Dex said.

  ‘How do you know there’s a party?’

  He shrugged, and Jay growled in exasperation. ‘‘Look, just forget all the secretive stuff now,’ she answered. ‘Why a party?’

  ‘Primarily, I want to show you why I can never return to reality completely, but I also think you might find out some interesting things. I can’t tell you what, because I don’t know. It’s just a hunch.’

  ‘How intuitive of you.’ He was not the person she’d known. It was as if she was talking to a relative of Dex’s, whom she’d heard all about, and had perhaps talked to on the phone, but had never actually met before. Glancing at him sidelong, it seemed inconceivable to her that once they’d shared a bed and a domestic life. But, despite this, she felt easy in his company.

  Jay dozed for a while. When she opened her eyes again, they were on the motorway, and a glorious sunset stained the sky. Had she slept for so long? It couldn’t take a whole day to drive from Lestholme to London. She experienced a slight shock at finding Dex beside her. It was still strange to her that he’d reappeared in her life. Her head had lolled onto his shoulder as she slept, and his arm lay loosely along the seat back, not quite touching her.

  They drove into the West End, and here the bus came to a stop. Traffic blared, people scurried, lights blazed from every shop. Even in the bus, Jay could smell the air; the indescribable aroma of London. She felt stiff as she stood up. ‘Are we really going to a party?’ she asked.

  Dex nodded.

  ‘But we’re hardly dressed for it.’ She indicated her jeans and jumper, her leather jacket.

  ‘That won’t matter. Trust me.’

  Jay stepped down onto the pavement. It was raining hard. ‘I’m not sure about this,’ she said.

  People hurried around them, staring straight ahead, armed with umbrellas, their collars up around their faces. Jay felt absurdly vulnerable; she had become used to the calm and tranquillity of Lestholme. Dex took her arm and she did not protest. They wandered into the narrow streets of Soho that smelled sweetly of cooking meat. Here, Dex led the way to a narrow doorway. Music spilled down a stairway towards them, and a bored-looking cashier sat behind a metal grille just inside the door. She was talking to a huge bouncer. Both conversed in soft but aggressive tones.

  ‘Here we are,’ said Dex.

  Jay rubbed moisture from her face. ‘Do you think we’ll get in?’ Her jacket and jeans were soaked, her hair plastered against her forehead and neck.

  ‘Oh yes,’ Dex replied, flicking his own wet hair from his face. He pulled her across the threshold, and they walked straight past the cashier and the door man, up the red-lit stairs.

  Chapter Eight

  Jay knew at once it was a record company party, because a pyramid of CD covers was arranged on a table near the door. Whose release did it celebrate? Was it just a glorified press conference? Whatever the reason, rent-a-mob were there in their hundreds; rilling and trilling and flashing. Some things never change. Outside the night air had been chill, but in the dim-lit club, it was humid and hot. Jay’s clothes were steaming; she felt very uncomfortable. She saw faces she recognised: their bright grins and eyes. Her nostrils contracted against the melange of perfumes, while her ears felt over-sensitive to the shrill squawks of laughter and gleeful bitchy asides. Here was her world again. It was as if she’d never been away, and yet at the same time she felt removed from it all, as if she’d never been a part of it. She stood at the threshold with Dex, and for perhaps the first time in fifteen years felt nervous about joining a social gathering. What else had Sakrilege done to her reputation while she’d been away? She still did not know how long she’d been in Lestholme. It could be days or weeks. Not yet Christmas, she noted. The trees outside had still been coated with a stubble of last leaves. November, perhaps, but which year?

  ‘I can’t,’ she said abruptly.

  Dex’s hand pressed the small of her back. ‘Yes, you can. They won’t notice us.’

  ‘Dex, no...’ She tried to turn away, but he propelled her into the crowd. It was as she feared. Everyone ignored her, even those who only a short time ago had wanted to know her. Social climbers. N
ow she must have dropped off the ladder completely. ‘This is awful,’ she said.

  ‘For them, perhaps, but not for us.’ Dex steered her further into the press of bodies, all in their bright, tight clothes. ‘Jay, we are the lost. It’s our highest card. It takes a while for us to rejoin society. It’s not just like coming out of prison or hospital.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ They had ended up pressed against the bar, clearly in several people’s way, yet these people did not complain or cast scorching glances.

  ‘Look how long it took me to get your attention,’ Dex said. ‘I still have a key to the flat, you know.’

  Jay stared at him, slightly disgusted. ‘I don’t even want to think about that!’

  Dex grinned at her. ‘Don’t worry. I didn’t abuse my ability. You just don’t have to worry about being recognised. We’re eavesdroppers here. They can’t see us.’

  Jay sighed. ‘Then that makes me a lost soul too, doesn’t it.’ She realised that in some ways Dex relished what he had become. He appeared more relaxed than she’d ever seen him.

  ‘There’s dear old Zeke,’ said Dex.

  Jay couldn’t suppress a shudder of alarm. ‘Where?’

  Dex pointed. The Sakrilege man was surrounded by a group of people, but didn’t seem to be in a party mood. His face looked drawn, and there were puffy dark shadows beneath his eyes. Jay hoped he was suffering. Perhaps he blamed himself for her disappearance. She hoped so. ‘He can’t see us?’ she asked. ‘You’re sure of that?’

  Dex nodded. ‘Come on. Let’s join our friends.’

  A woman was speaking. She wore a transparent lace dress over slight underwear and had the glazed, famished look of a model. After a few moments, Jay recognised her. It was Carmen Leonard. She looked different to how she appeared in all the glamour shots; bonier and more startled. Despite her rather manic eyes, her voice was a monotonous gabble. ‘Well, of course Dex is in Brazil. It’s the most reliable sighting. The columnist, Rita Akeland, told me, and you know she’s a real scavenger for facts. He’s in Brazil, I’d put money on it. Working with an ethnic band.’