Nobody’s Darling

by Nobody’s Darling (retail) (epub)

  Deeper than any of that, Lizzie was frightened by her own emotions. Terrified of the affection she still felt for Jeffrey Banks, and guilty because she would never know which man she had loved the most. Ted had been her husband, and now she was sincerely grieving for him, but even as she grieved, the memory of what she did all those years ago tore her apart. Ted had not known how deceitful she had been, but in her heart Lizzie felt certain that he knew now. Up there, where souls could see into places where mere humans couldn’t, Ted knew everything, and she was mortified by the thought that he was looking down on her, her shame bared to his eyes, and she with no chance to explain. She should have explained all those years ago. Now it was too late. She felt the need to punish herself. To deny everything that might better her station in life. It was a kind of penance. There were times, when she was lying in her lonely bed at night and the childer were all asleep, when she felt as though she was the only person still left alive in the whole world; those were the worst times of all. In her terrible guilt, Lizzie would imagine that Ted was standing before her in that cold dark room, pointing a finger at her. ‘You cheated me, Lizzie,’ he would murmur. ‘And I can’t forgive you.

  These were the things Lizzie was frightened of. And just now, with her innocent words, Ruby had unwittingly opened all the old wounds. In her pain, Lizzie was like a wounded animal. Springing from her chair, she screamed, ‘Don’t you tell me I’m frightened, Ruby Miller! I’m still the same woman I’ve allus been, and I’ve never been frightened of anything in my life,’ she lied. ‘It ain’t me that’s different. It’s you that’s changed. I don’t know you any more. As far back as I can remember, you’ve always wanted more than the good Lord gave yer. Well, now it seems to me that you’ve got what yer want, so you’d better get yerself off to yer precious house on Derwent Street, because we’re none of us coming with yer.’ When Ruby stared at her in amazement, she strode across the room and flung open the door. ‘Go on!’ she yelled. ‘Take yourself off. And I don’t care if I never see yer again!’

  It was a moment before Ruby realised that her mam meant every word. She turned to Lenny, ‘Please, our Lenny, tell her I’m only doing it for her,’ she pleaded lamely.

  During the heated exchange between these two, he had sat dumbfounded. In all his life he could never recall his mam attacking Ruby in such a way. They had always been so close, so supportive of each other. Secretly, he was glad that Ruby had been brought down a peg or two, because to his mind she had always entertained ideas above her station. Oh, there were times when he too had ambitions of getting away from Fisher Street, but when it came down to it he hadn’t the guts nor the drive, and now, like everyone else, had become trapped here. Not Ruby though. She had never lost sight of what she wanted. That irritated him Now here was his opportunity to get the better of her.

  ‘Mam says she wants you out,’ he declared boldly. Rising from his chair and going to where Lizzie stood, he placed a protective arm round her shoulders. ‘If that’s what she wants, then you’d best go. I’m sorry, Sis, but it seems you’ve outstayed your welcome.’

  Ruby’s gaze fell on her mam’s face but there was no response. Lizzie remained unmoved, her hand on the door-knob and the door inching open a little further. ‘All right, Mam,’ Ruby conceded. If that’s what you really want?’

  ‘It is.’

  She brushed past. When she was alongside that little figure, she was sorely tempted to throw her arms round its neck and promise anything, just as long as the two of them made friends again. But like Lizzie, Ruby felt that she was in the right. All she ever wanted was the best for her mam and the family. She could see nothing in that to be ashamed of. ‘If you want me, Mam, you know where I’ll be,’ she said softly.

  Lizzie’s answer was to close the door against her. Afterwards she remained where she was, her ears tuned to Ruby’s departing footsteps, her old heart sore and aching. ‘What have I done, our Lenny? she murmured. ‘Dear God above, what have I done?’ Part of her wanted to run down the passage and fetch Ruby back. It was wrong to blame the lass for her own sins. Yet another, greater part of her saw how that same sin had made Ruby the woman she was; there was too much of her real father in her. Yet Jeffrey Banks was a good kindly man, and Ruby had inherited those traits as well. Suddenly it was all too painful. In a burst of sobs she fell against her son. ‘I didn’t want that to happen,’ she cried, clinging to him. ‘It ain’t her fault. God knows, it ain’t her fault.’

  ‘It’s all right, Mam,’ he said. ‘It’ll all come right, you’ll see.’

  But he had a feeling that a lot of water would run under the bridge before that happened. There was something here that he didn’t understand. Something between his mam and Ruby that reached too far down for him to see. But then, he was only a man and didn’t pretend to know what went on in any woman’s mind.

  Outside, Ruby hurried away. There was no consolation for her, no reason as to why this parting had happened, and she had seen a side to her mam that shook her to her roots. As she went along, the bitter tears ran down her face and she could hardly see where she was going.

  When she climbed aboard the tram, everyone stared at her from the corners of their eyes. She wasn’t aware of their curiosity. She only knew that today she had lost her best friend in all the world. And she didn’t even know why.

  Chapter Sixteen

  It was the middle of November, and even though she now had two very capable assistants, Ruby was bone tired. The shop had never been busier. It seemed that every woman in Blackburn had decided they would have a new hat. Mrs Cartwright, the blacksmith’s wife, was no exception. ‘Have you heard from Widow Reece?’ she wanted to know. ‘My! She’s been gone some five months now, hasn’t she? And it hardly seems like a day!’

  ‘I had a letter only last week,’ Ruby replied. ‘Her sister is laid low with a sudden illness, but Mrs Reece is very happy there. The sea air appears to be doing her a world of good.’

  The woman tutted loudly. ‘I should think it’s shedding the responsibility of this business that’s given her a new lease of life. Still, there’ve been many changes for the better since you became the new owner. Everything a woman wants, all under the same roof… first a pleasant hour downstairs, then it’s off up top to have your hands and nails cossetted. I tell you, Miss Miller, this place has been a real godsend to the women in this town.’

  ‘Thank you. We do our best.’ Ruby wasn’t in the mood for chitchat, but the customer must never suspect it.

  ‘It’s awful hard, running a business, and I should know, because I hear it every day from my husband.’ There was something else she was itching to say, and as she went on she cast her eyes to the mirror and watched Ruby’s face. ‘Your brother is doing very well. My husband says he’s making a fine blacksmith under his tuition.’

  Ruby’s face gave nothing away. ‘I’m glad to hear it,’ she said.

  ‘He confides quite a lot in my husband, did you know that?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Oh, yes. My husband’s taken him under his wing, so to speak. I must say, though, I was surprised to hear that you and your mother had fallen out.’ When Ruby’s hands became still, she was satisfied that she had struck a nerve. ‘It’s a common thing, I suppose… mothers and daughters at each other’s throats.’

  ‘We are not at each other’s throats.’

  Of course not, dear. But you have fallen out, and that seems such a pity?’

  With trembling hands, Ruby stretched the veil into position, thinking how much pleasure it would give her to stretch Mrs Cartwright’s scrawny neck. Instead, she gently removed the hat and bestowed her very best smile on the astonished woman. Taking the hat across the room, she collected a round box from the top shelf and placed the hat inside. ‘That will be four and sixpence, please,’ she said crisply.

  Thank you, dear.’ Mrs Cartwright ambled across the room, spilling the coins from her purse onto the counter, ‘I didn’t mean to speak out of turn,’ she lied. ‘Silly old woman th
at I am, I feel I’ve said too much.’ She could see how her remarks had upset Ruby and suffered a pang of conscience. After all, Ruby was that rare breed of woman who had carved herself a place in the world of business. ‘I really am sorry,’ she said sincerely.

  ‘Good night, Mrs Cartwright,’ Ruby replied. ‘Please, don’t concern yourself. I’m not at all offended. It’s just that it’s been a long day and I won’t be sorry to shut up shop and get home’

  ‘Well, of course. I expect you’re looking forward to the holidays too? It won’t be long now before Christmas arrives. Another seven weeks, I think.’ She counted the weeks on her slim white fingers. ‘My! Doesn’t time just fly?’ she commented, unable to resist adding slyly, ‘Of course, you’ll be spending the holidays with your family?’

  Ruby merely nodded, deliberately misleading this nosy character. Walking the woman to the door, she saw her safely outside then she quietly pushed the door to. ‘With my family?’ she murmured sadly. ‘Oh, if only I was.’

  Just then a slim red-haired young woman came down the stairs Phew! What a rush,’ she laughed. ‘My legs feel like tree-trunks and my feet have gone all numb. I’ll be glad to get home, I can tell you.’ She went straight to the cupboard and took out a bright red coat which she slung over her shoulders, ‘So I’ll be off for the weekend. See you Monday morning at eight sharp.’

  Before Ruby could answer, another voice was heard. Everything’s ship-shape upstairs, and I’m ready for home myself.’ It was Katie, the girl whom Ruby had taken on first of all. Climbing down the stairs, she smiled at Ruby. ‘It’s been so busy,’ she moaned. She was plumper now, but more sure of herself. She also went to the cupboard and collected her coat. When they saw Ruby going to the desk, the two young women came and stood close by, their faces bright with anticipation. ‘Have a pleasant break,’ Ruby told then, placing a long brown envelope into each of their outstretched hands. She never regretted paying these two their wages. They earned every penny. Both had been carefully chosen from a long list of applicants, and with each passing day, Ruby was more convinced that she had made the right choice.

  When the young women had departed, Ruby made her rounds. It was now entirely Ruby’s responsibility. There was no one else to answer to, and no one else to whom she could turn for advice. The success or failure of this business rested entirely with her, and she shouldered the burden well. Widow Reece had agreed to Ruby’s financial proposal, and her own solicitor had sanctioned it. The seventy guineas were duly paid over, and the terms were set for monthly instalments to be made on the remaining balance. Although Ruby was loath to admit it, the debt was a great source of worry to her, but then, when she had accrued enough money, her plans were put into action; the upstairs was opened out and the business took a huge leap forward. It made life a little easier, although there was still a long way to go before the debt was satisfied and the business was truly hers.

  She took one last look around the upstairs, noting with satisfaction the wide comfortable chairs and smart little footstools, the small handbasins and long narrow mirrors. It was all very satisfactory. Downstairs the same.

  A few moments later, Ruby had locked the premises and was hurrying on her way. ‘Goodnight, m’dear, and God luv yer,’ a lonely old soul whispered as she passed by him. Drunk and glowing, with round cheeks and a vivid nose, he had his tattered old hat pulled down and his holey muffler tucked into the top of his scruffy overcoat. Ducking and dancing over the flagstones, he was obviously the worse for drink. ‘Goodnight to you too,’ Ruby returned, chuckling beneath her breath. ‘Seems like you’ve started the festivities early, you old rascal.’ His cheery spirit drove home her own awful loneliness.

  As she went on her way, the night pressed down, like a dark cold mantle settling over everything beneath. It hadn’t snowed yet, but it was in the air. Already, the signs of Christmas were everywhere; bright lights and coloured displays in the shop windows, a mighty tree especially planted right in the centre of Market Square, and children all eager and bright-eyed as they gazed at the toys in the shop windows.

  The sharp cutting breeze whipped up and swirled the dust from the pavements. Ruby shivered and pulled her coat tighter about her slim form, pushing her way through the hurrying bodies bent against the wind and hastily making their way home to cheery firesides. Even at six-thirty, people were rushing here and there, some with their empty hands thrust deep into their pockets, and others with great shopping bags filled to the brim. In the growing darkness, boisterous children played round every corner, laughing and shrieking, and filling the night with a sense of joy.

  Normally, Ruby would have caught the tram to Derwent Street, but on this occasion, Mrs Cartwright’s comments played strongly on her mind. Her thoughts were in turmoil as she decided to walk home. She felt agitated, unsure of herself. Everything she had ever wanted was within her grasp, yet there were times of late when her heart was empty and unfulfilled.

  Many times she had been tempted to go round Fisher Street, hoping to mend the rift between herself and her mam. But she was afraid; especially when Dolly and the twins came to see her on a Sunday morning and told her, ‘Our mam’s still angry with you.’ Ruby felt there was more to it all than met the eye. On her many subsequent visits to Derwent Street, Dolly would ask innocently, ‘Why don’t our mam love you any more?’ and Ruby’s heart would break all over again. Lenny never came round, but the childer kept Ruby in touch, so she had to satisfy herself with second-hand knowledge of his blacksmithing talents.

  During these past months, Ruby was so beset by her responsibilities that she found neither the time nor the energy to go visiting. But she had kept in touch with Maureen through Dolly, and messages were regularly sent back and forth. Ruby was delighted that her friend’s health was stable, and Maureen was full of praise for Ruby’s rise in the world. Johnny was often mentioned. It seemed that old Thomas had retired and Johnny was now in charge of the stables. His wages had trebled, and Oliver Arnold had come to greatly value him.

  Ruby loved to hear about Johnny. She missed him. She missed her friend and ached for her family. She now had the finest clothes in her wardrobe. She was invited to speak at business functions and ladies’ circles. Each month saw a little more of her debt paid off and a small amount put by. Her name was written in bold letters over the door of her own establishment, and she was looked up to by all who entered. She should have been deliriously happy but she wasn’t. Looking for excuses, she put it down to the long demanding hours and the strain of building up her fortunes. This is what you’ve always wanted, she convinced herself, believing that in the end her mam would be talked round and all of this would be worthwhile. It will take time, that’s all, she promised herself. And our mam can’t shut me out forever.

  From what Dolly had told her, Ruby knew the first move had to come from Lizzie, for if Ruby was to go round to Fisher Street, Lizzie would only dig her heels in all the more. She tried not to dwell on the awful upset between herself and her mam. Instead she compensated by launching herself into her work and never allowing herself a minute to think. Now though, the upstairs at the milliner’s was completed and things were beginning to run a little easier. Suddenly the days stretched before her like an endless road, and the awful loneliness crept up on her when she least expected it.

  As she drew nearer to her home, the streets grew quieter and her thoughts grew calmer. Always, they came back to her mam and the family. And to Johnny. The memory of how he had loved her was somehow deeply comforting. There was talk that he had taken up courting one of the Lowther girls from Sharrock Street, but it was only talk. When Ruby made casual mention of it in her last letter to Maureen, she had dismissed it out of hand. ‘He’s never said anything to me,’ she told Ruby. ‘And I don’t recollect him ever bringing a girl home.’ Maureen’s comforting words lifted a shadow from Ruby, yet she didn’t dwell on it, because whenever she let herself think too long of Johnny, it always left her feeling desperately confused.

  Letting hers
elf into the house on Derwent Street, Ruby took off her dark ankle-length coat and hung it on the peg behind the door. The house struck cold. Going straight into the parlour she located the oil lamp on the dresser, pumped it up and set a match to the wick. Almost at once the room was transformed. Flickering yellow strips of light licked the walls and illuminated the darker corners. The parlour was homely rather than grand, furnished in a style that would have pleased Lizzie. There was an oak dresser with a tall scalloped back containing four shelves which held an array of pretty floral plates with matching cups and saucers; there was a big round table with six stand-chairs about it, and a splendid crystal lamp decorating its centre. At the door a long green cord curtain kept out the draughts, and the windows were dressed with pretty tapestry curtains that reached down to the warm brown-patterned carpet. The mantelpiece was dressed with a green silk-tasselled cover, upon which were set a number of silver and porcelain ornaments.

  Before going to work that morning, Ruby had arranged the paper and firewood in the grate, ready for lighting. She put a match to it now. Once the flames began bursting through, she carefully placed the smallest pieces of coal on the wooden pyramid. Soon the coals were glowing and the parlour was bathed in a rosy glow. Warmer now, she went into the scullery and placed a full kettle on the gas ring. Once this was lit, she took the wooden tray from behind the bread-bin and laid out a cup and saucer, the sugar bowl and milk-jug, and, after making herself a cheese and pickle sandwich, placed it on a plate and put the plate on the tray. While waiting for the kettle to boil she put two small spoons of tea into the brown earthenware teapot. Soon the tea was brewed and she returned to the parlour, where she placed the tray on the table.

  Ruby didn’t sit down immediately. Instead, when a terrible feeling of loneliness washed over her, she went to the mantelpiece where she reached up to probe her fingers behind the clock. From here she withdrew a small envelope. Taking out the picture of the sacred heart, she turned it over and read: