by Fiona Cole
Erik swallowed. “I would’ve done that. We tried. We can still try. All the resources at Haven are always open to you, Hanna. No questions asked. And I’m always here.”
“I know.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. Erik was a giant pain sometimes, but he’d saved me. He’d moved heaven and earth and risked his life to bring both of us home. I loved him more than anyone and knowing he was always on my side, centered me more than anything else. “I know you would have. I wasn’t ready then. And, honestly, I didn’t realize I was ready now.”
“He’s not forcing you, is he?”
“No,” I laughed. “If anything, he’s overly cautious, while also not babying me. It’s kind of nice. But he always lets me know we can stop at any moment.”
I didn’t mention that that was for more than just the self-defense. If Erik knew what else Daniel taught me, nothing would stop him from blowing a gasket, and Alex would be super sad if I made her boyfriend have a heart attack before she could marry him.
“Good. I’m glad. I wish it was with someone else, but I’m happy you’re happy. I guess.”
“I think that’s about as good as it gets from you. Now, go. I have to finish packing.”
He scanned the contents strewn across my bed and stopped, his eyes widening like saucers. “What the fuck is that? I thought you said no sex,” he accused, pointing his finger toward the pile of lace.
“Those are my panties, Erik. I wear them for me. So, congratulations. Now you know what your sister wears under her clothes.”
Erik’s face screwed up and he brought his hands to rub at his eyes, turning toward the door. “Fuck, Hanna. I didn’t need to know that. Are you trying to traumatize me?”
“Then don’t analyze my suitcase,” I said, laughing behind him.
I followed him back out to the living room and was just getting ready to open the door when a second knock came. Looking at the clock, I saw he was thirty minutes early.
Well, this should be fun.
I opened the door to a smiling Daniel. When his eyes landed on Erik’s dark scowl, the smile slipped a little. I gave him an A for effort to keep it in place.
Erik stepped forward, chest to chest with Daniel, only an inch taller. “If she gets hurt in any way, I’ll fucking kill you. Slowly. Painfully.”
Daniel nodded once. “Noted.”
“Oh, my god, Erik. Just go,” I groaned, shoving him out the door.
He walked past and like Robert De Niro in Meet the Fockers, held his fingers to his eyes and back to Daniel, glaring the entire time.
I pulled Daniel in and slammed the door behind him.
“Everything okay?”
“Yup. Just a big brother being annoying.” I shrugged. “Ready to rock n’ roll?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I just need to finish packing.”
“Need help?”
I thought of all the lace bundled on my bed still. “No, I’ve got it. I’ll only be a second.”
I’d told a little fib to Erik. Yes, I did wear pretty panties for myself, but maybe I packed the sexiest for this trip. Just in case.
A girl had to be prepared for any impromptu lessons.
18
Hanna
“So, what’s on the docket today?” I asked before taking another rejuvenating sip of coffee. We’d gotten into the cabin so late that we’d barely turned on the lights to check it out before collapsing in our beds.
Now, we sat in Adirondack chairs, bundled up in the enclosed porch, watching the fog slowly clear from the mountains. Perfect didn’t come close to explaining this moment.
“How do you feel about hiking?”
“I’m open to it.”
“Bungee jumping?”
I almost choked on my coffee. “Less open to that.”
“But still open?” he asked around his laugh.
“Maybe barely a crack. So small, I’m not even sure paper could slip through.”
“Okay. Okay.”
“Honestly, I think I could sit here all day and watch the view change with the sun.”
“It’s beautiful,” he agreed.
I glanced his way, stupidly hoping for a romance movie moment, where he stared at me as he said it was beautiful, but his eyes were firmly planted on the dips and rises of the forest. Not that it mattered. Because we were friends.
“You did a good job picking the place.”
“Thank you. It’s the least I could do. Literally.”
“I wanted to surprise you,” he defended.
Daniel had let me pick which mountains we went to and where we stayed, but he planned everything else around it. I wasn’t used to letting go of that much control, but I had to admit I liked the excitement of the surprise. I didn’t let myself be surprised anymore, always doing my best to stay in control. Somewhere along the way, my trust grew further with Daniel, and I liked the idea of him surprising me.
“Speaking of surprises. Where are we going after the mountains? You never told me what location you planned?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“Ugh.” I rolled my eyes. “At least give me a hint.”
“There’s water.”
I glared. “That’s a crappy hint, and you know it.”
He merely shrugged, completely unapologetic, and maybe gloating a little. “For now, let’s finish our coffee and explore. Do you have boots?”
“I sure do. Broken in and everything.”
Ian and Erik used to go on local hikes, and I made them take me with them when I could.
“Perfect.”
“What kind of hike is it?”
“Nothing too strenuous. Just a few miles.”
Nothing too strenuous to Daniel did not mean the same thing to me, I realized almost six hours later.
“You’re a savage,” I panted. The last half-mile of the hike had been completely uphill, and I was pretty sure my legs would cramp up and fall off at any second.
“Hardly,” he said, winking back at me, looking entirely too sexy in a knit cap and flannel shirt. He’d lost his jacket pretty early in our hike.
He hadn’t trimmed his facial hair this morning, and it made him look like he was made to be a mountain man. Meanwhile, I was sure I looked like a tomato dipped in water. I could feel the sweat dripping down my temples. How the hell did someone sweat when it was forty degrees?
“Besides, around this bend, and we should be there.”
“Where exactly is there?”
“The end. The views are supposed to be phenomenal.”
“We’ve already seen a ton of views. Maybe we should skip this last one. I mean, we still have to hike the whole way back.”
“This one is the best.”
Part of me wanted to collapse and cry, tell him to just leave me. I was on the edge of slipping into drama queen mode.
We’d been walking along the edge of a mountain, in and out of thick trees, coming along beautiful views. Each one better than the last the higher we climbed. Just when I thought my legs would go full diva and give out without my permission, we broke through another clearing of trees.
“Holy shit,” I breathed.
“Told you.”
Every ache and pain slipped away at the view laid out in front of me. Daniel grabbed my hand and led me out on the layering of rocks, taking me all the way to the edge. Brown with spots of green stretched out like a thick blanket covering sharp edges and deep valleys. Everywhere I turned, the view greeted, shifting, and changing. Look to the left, the dark patch of sparkling water broke up the blanket. Turn to the right, the highest peak rose in the sky. Look straight out, a valley between the ridges stretching as far as I could see.
It was magnificent, awe-inspiring.
“I figured we’d have lunch here.”
“Here?”
“Unless you’re ready to turn around and head back now?”
“God, no,” I said, dropping my backpack immediately.
Daniel laughed and gently pulled his
down, opening up the top to pull out container after container.
“When did you pack all of this?”
“I was up before you this morning. I don’t sleep in.”
“Damn.” I’d been up at six-thirty. I didn’t usually sleep late, but that was still early for a day I didn’t have to go into work. For some reason, I imagined Daniel sleeping until noon, rolling out of bed and working-slash-partying until three am, just to do it all over again.
I had to admit, seeing this settled part of him broke off a chunk of who I thought he was, to reveal who he really is.
“If you want to open the bottom zipper, I packed a blanket to lay out. Nothing much, just enough to keep the bugs off.”
We sat in silence, enjoying our sandwiches, granola, and the most amazing views I’d ever seen.
Finishing off my last bite, I leaned back and sighed.
“Good?”
“Amazing.” I tipped my head back and let the sun warm my face, soaking up the vitamin D. “Do you hike a lot?”
“Not as much as I’d like.” He wrapped the trash up and stuffed it away before leaning back to mimic my posture. “Like I said, I don’t leave Ohio often. I’ve done a few trails in New York when I can.”
“Does Kent go with you?”
“No,” he laughed. “Well, he’s gone once, but only to bungee jump. He’s more city, and I’m more nature.”
“I kind of figured you both for city people.”
“I love the city. I love Cincinnati, but Kent is more fast-paced, where I like to enjoy these moments. The isolation. The quiet. But it’s good—we mesh. He pushes me to do more, and I calm him down…while sometimes encouraging him,” he added with a small smile.
“Did you hike when you were younger?”
“Some. We weren’t rich, so vacations were few and far between. Not that we were poor, but we weren’t traveling everywhere, and Ohio isn’t the best place for hiking. A little flat.”
“You could hike the cornfields,” I joked.
“Thrilling adventure right there.” He looked out over the edge and sucked in a deep breath, his chest stretching the edges of his shirt, before slowly letting it out. “That’s why Sabrina and I always said we wanted to travel. She made me promise to take her hiking one day.”
Was that his reason for this trip? I knew I’d told Erik we both had our reasons for going that had nothing to do with one another, but who did he see sitting by his side right now. I chose the mountains, but did he choose the hike to create what he missed with the one girl he loved?
The beauty of the view dimmed at the thought, and I reprimanded myself for letting it matter. It didn’t matter. We were friends.
“That’s the first time you’ve told me her name.”
“Yeah.” He laughed and rubbed his hand through his hair. “I don’t talk about her much.”
“She must have really broken your heart.”
When he didn’t say anything, I looked over and watched him stare out at the distance and swallow hard.
“She killed herself our Sophomore year.”
The words slammed into me like a Mack truck, stealing the air from my lungs. Fire burned up the back of my throat, and I struggled to find words to say.
“Daniel,” I breathed.
“I named Voy after her. She always wanted to travel, and we promised we’d do it together. We’d talk about all the places we’d go and where we wanted to start. She was Puerto Rican, and Voy means I go in Spanish. It fit with Voyeur, so it was kind of perfect.”
Unwarranted jealousy hit me, but it faded just as quick. His confession had no place to cause jealousy. This was a man confessing his hardest pain—a man who had helped me through my issues the past few months. I could do the same for him.
All of a sudden, Daniel’s ability to handle my trauma almost better than anyone else around me made more sense. He hadn’t just loved and lost in a breakup. He’d met death and felt its pain just as I had. He understood.
“What about you?” Daniel asked, clearing his throat and changing the subject back to lighter topics. “Did you travel?”
I had to take a moment to collect myself and flow with the shift back to lighter topics. I wanted to ask a million questions, but I couldn’t imagine what it’d cost him to say those words aloud. And for all the times he didn’t push me, I wouldn’t push him.
“Not really. Both my parents are teachers, and three kids make traveling a little difficult. The trip to Florida was a big deal and mainly happened because Erik fronted a lot of the bill.”
“Were you mad he wasn’t there?” he asked softly, easing the subject to a more sensitive topic.
“No,” I answered easily. I hadn’t been mad at Erik at all, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t mad. Taking a deep breath, I admitted what I’d never admitted before—not even in therapy. Something about Daniel’s confession spurred my own. I’d locked it up and shoved it away in my box, unable to deal with it on top of everything else, worried that if I let it out, the anger would swallow me. “I’m mad at myself for pushing her to go out. I’m mad at myself for resenting being her twin for months leading up to being taken.” Another deep breath, letting the hardest confession slip out on the exhale. “I’m mad she didn’t hold on for a few more hours. Erik showed up the next day, and she was gone.” The breeze cooled the wet tracks slipping down my cheeks, and I wiped them away with shaky hands.
After a moment, Daniel’s hand slipped over mine before he made his own confession. “I’m mad she killed herself. I’m mad at myself because I didn’t see it coming. I’m mad I couldn’t stop her.”
Shifting, I curled my hand around his and held on tight, letting our confessions linger and hoped they faded away now that they were free.
“I have an idea,” Daniel said. He stood and pulled me up with him. He tugged me to the very edge, with layers of rock and steep cliffs stretching below.
I watched him, unsure of his plan. He stood tall, looked out over the vast stretch of the Smokey Mountains, sucked in air, and yelled. I jerked but didn’t let go of his hand. His yell vibrated off the cliffs, riling the birds, their wings flapping in the trees. When he was done with that yell, he did it again. Guttural and flooded with the rage he must have felt inside him. The power of it hit me like a thunderstorm, and I ached for all he had been holding inside.
When he’d finally stopped, his chest rose and fell over panting breaths, and he turned to me, looking lighter than when we first stood. “Your turn.”
“What? M-my turn?”
“Come on, Hanna. Let it out. I know it’s in you like it sat in me. Let it out.”
Swallowing, I faced the vast view. Licking my lips, I opened my mouth and yelled—kind of.
“Nice squeak, I think you scared a caterpillar.”
I glared and squared my shoulders.
I didn’t have to yell. I didn’t have to do anything.
I didn’t have to open my box for him.
It didn’t matter anyway.
Shouting at a bunch of trees wouldn’t stop the guilt—the anger. Nothing could absolve me of being pissed at my sister for dying—for leaving me alone when we were supposed to do this forever. Together.
She left me.
She fucking left me, and I hated her for it.
And I hated myself for feeling that.
My chest shuddered, and I realized I was crying—sobbing.
It was too much. Too big. I’d opened the box, and it was swallowing me.
“Let it out,” he whispered.
I sucked in as hard as I could, and I screamed. It tore from my lungs, scraped through my throat, ripped from my soul. My body shook, my eyes stung with the force of my rage.
I hunched over, expressing every last inch of it, squeezing it free.
And when I finished, I did it again.
And again.
Until Daniel joined me, and we screamed together.
For the first time, in front of something so big—so vast, my anger looked small
—small enough to handle, small enough to set free.
I let nature take it.
We both did.
When I had nothing left to give, I panted, trying to calm the tears that had slipped free with everything else.
A few more moments of silence passed, and I took my first glance at Daniel, his blue eyes sparkling with their own tears.
“Thank you,” I whispered, reaching to grab his other hand.
He let go to cradle my face, rubbing my tears away with his thumbs.
“I think I needed it, too. So, thank you. Thank you for pushing me on this trip.”
We stood there, washed clean, studying the version of each other left behind.
I wasn’t sure who moved first. I wasn’t sure it mattered. I pressed up as he dipped down, and our mouths connected softly, afraid to break the fragile moment we’d created.
He drank from my lips, stroked them with his tongue, and I happily opened, needing to taste him. Sliding my arms around his waist, I held on tight, letting the intensity of us kissing wash over me.
We kissed and kissed. Not because we were at Voyeur and this was another lesson to help me accept touch. No, this was because I was Hanna, and he was Daniel, and we wanted to.
What that meant, I didn’t know, but I definitely didn’t care right then. Rules be damned.
Our kiss slowed to simple pecks and lingering tastes until we stopped, resting our foreheads together. I waited for him to tell me we shouldn’t have done that. That kissing was a mistake. That we should forget it happened.
Instead, he whispered. “We should head back before it gets dark.”
Unable to help it, I groaned, and he laughed. “Can you carry me?”
“Not a chance in hell.”
I glared but smiled too, hoisting my backpack, ready to leave this cliff behind and everything I set free with it.
That night we didn’t touch or talk about the kiss or act like anything had changed—and maybe it hadn’t. Maybe what happened on the cliff in a moment of extreme emotions, stayed on the cliff. Which didn’t sound terrible.
We started a fire and had a quiet dinner before crawling into our beds. But as soon as my head hit the pillow, I got back up and crept to his room. The door creaked as I slid it open, and he rolled over, the light from the hallway revealing his scrunched brows.