“You’ve still not broached the subject, have you?”
I shook my head and chewed at my bottom lip.
“You dick head, just ask him.”
“I can’t,” I grimaced. “If I do and he hasn’t booked a double, he might think that I want him to. If I ask and he has, well he might think I don’t fancy him and I do.”
“So what’s the problem? Go, shag him, and the job’s done,” Claudia tutted and continued typing.
“Because I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
“What?” Claudia gasped in mock shock, her fingers hovering over the keys. “Are you telling me that you’re a virgin?”
“If you’re going to be sarcastic, I don’t even want to talk to you about it.”
Pushing my chair away from my desk, I moved over to a table of fabric swatches and started to search through them for something I could use for curtains for Matty and Carla’s baby’s room at Mum and Dad’s. I should have been sourcing lighting for the hotel job we were doing, but I was too agitated to think about proper work.
“How long before you slept with Elijah?”
Claudia’s question slammed into me, rocking me on my feet.
“Claudia!” I warned.
She raised her brow. “You asked me how Louise and I have sex, so I figured we had no secrets or boundaries.”
“I was drunk,” I snapped. “And I apologised.”
“I still told you and I don’t care, so answer the question.”
“Why does it matter?” I clutched the swatch of fabric which was covered in cats and dogs holding balloons, to my chest and eyed her warily.
For all she was rude and brash at times, Claudia had the knack of reading me and telling me things which I didn’t always want to hear, and I certainly wasn’t sure I wanted to hear her opinion of my first time having sex with Elijah.
“It doesn’t matter as such,” Claudia replied. “I’m just curious. So, go on.”
Knowing she wouldn’t let up until I told her, I let out a long exhale. “Three weeks. I was seventeen and my parents were out and we got carried away.”
“And you were a virgin?”
I was about to protest again, but knew it was pointless.
“I was, he wasn’t. He was gentle and sweet and he made sure we were safe and that I was okay.” I paused, screwing up the fabric in my hand. “We had a shower together afterwards and then he took me for a burger and to the cinema. The next day he brought me a mix CD that he’d stayed up until one in the morning making.”
I smiled recalling how two days later we’d had sex for the second time and Elijah had been just as sweet and gentle, but had given me two orgasms in the space of ten minutes.
Claudia nodding caught my eye.
“What?” I asked.
“It’s obvious. You’re first time with Elijah was pretty much perfect as far as losing your virginity goes. It was with the man you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.”
“And?”
“And,” she sighed. “You’re wondering whether Leon might be the one to mend that broken heart of yours.”
“And what?” I asked on an empty laugh. “I’m worried that my first time with him won’t live up to my expectations of our relationship.”
“Nope,” Claudia said, giving me the softest smile I’d ever seen her give. “You’re worried it will and might even surpass it.”
Then with another smile, she carried on typing, our conversation seemingly over.
Elijah
aged 28
“That’s the second time she’s rung you this afternoon,” Sam said, his eyes never leaving the TV.
“I know and I’m watching the football.” I didn’t need to look at him to know he was now watching me. “Anyway, it wasn’t Mia.”
“Fucking liar.”
I didn’t answer because it was pointless. He was right, I was a fucking liar, although Mia had actually called three times, not just the two that he knew about. She called once when he’d gone to the bathroom.
I picked up my phone and typed out a quick text to her.
Elijah: Sorry, just with a customer x
It didn’t seem quite right to say I couldn’t be bothered to answer because I was watching my team thrash the opposition.
I was about to put my phone back in my pocket, when it beeped with a text.
Mia: Okay babe. Speak later. Missing you x
I blew out a breath, my eyes going back to the match just as the final whistle blew. Without a word, Sam snatched the remote from the arm of my chair and turned the TV off.
“Oi, I wanted to hear what they got to say about the game,” I cried, trying to take the remote back.
Sam threw it to the opposite end of the sofa from where he was sitting and shook his head.
“Not happening, now spill the fucking beans about why you ignored your girlfriend’s call.”
“Because I was watching the footy. Now turn it back on.”
“No. Talk to me Eli.” Sam leaned forward, his forearms on his knees, his brown eyes pleading with me.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Sam.”
“The truth. I want you to tell me how you really feel about Mia. What you think about her being away for so long? How you actually feel about Amy, come to that.”
My head snapped up. “About Amy? I don’t feel anything about Amy. We’ve had this fucking conversation before and nothing has changed.”
“I know that,” Sam laughed but it was devoid of any humour. “You loved her eleven fucking years ago and you still love her. Now be fucking honest with yourself, because I’ve got to be honest with you Eli, I’m sick of sounding like a damn broken record.”
I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up then and stop beating a dead horse, but I was tired of denying what we both knew to be true. It didn’t matter how much I said the words and denied it, Sam was right.
“I don’t miss her,” I breathed out on a shaky exhale. “I keep dropping her calls because I don’t know what to say so that I don’t make her feel like crap. I don’t think I can act like the loving boyfriend. I can’t tell her I’ve unpacked her boxes, when I haven’t. I can’t say I miss you when I don’t, and I can’t tell her to hurry home, because I’m dreading her coming back because then she’ll know that moving in was a huge mistake.”
“Well, that’s a start.”
Sam grinned at me, but I also saw sympathy. My brother had been on at me for weeks about being honest with Mia, but it didn’t mean he didn’t understand how hard it was for me.
“You have to tell her, bro,” he said. “She can’t come back here expecting it to be love and roses and romantic reunions.”
“I know that,” I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I do, but part of me wants to carry on, but how we were – seeing each other three times a week. Her living with her flatmate and me living here, alone.”
“And which part of you wants to beg Amy to take you back?”
“No part, and there’s no point,” I replied, sitting back in my chair. “I admit I love her, I’ll always love her, but Amy doesn’t feel that way. She thinks I did something unforgiveable and I can’t hang around for the rest of my life, hoping that one day she’ll change her mind. I have to move on at some point.”
“Even without asking her? Without taking one more chance that she’ll listen?”
I shook my head. “She won’t listen. I know her, I know she’ll never change her mind.”
“You haven’t known her for five years, bro. You need to talk to her one more time.”
I watched him carefully, studying his hands twisting together in front of him.
“Why does this mean so much to you? I mean, I know you love me, but whenever you’ve given me big brother advice before, you’ve given it and then let me make my own decision – good or bad. So, why so adamant about this?”
Sam shrugged, but his eyes flashed brightly.
“I just want you to be happy.”
He paused before blowing out his cheeks. “Let’s just say, I know regret and it’s a fucking dark shit hole of a place.”
His shoulders slumped as he dropped his head forward.
“Sam, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing and this isn’t about me. This is you we’re talking about.”
“And you think for some misguided reason that if I don’t speak to Amy I’ll regret it for the rest of my life?”
“Yep, I do. Surely it’s worth a try.”
“But what if I don’t want her? What if I want to move forward with Mia?”
His brows raised into the messy strands of hair on his forehead. “Maybe you think you want a future with Mia, but I think you’d rather find out what Amy thinks first. Call me a shit, but if Amy says no, then maybe you can try that moving forward crap with Mia.”
“You’ve spent the last few weeks trying to persuade me to dump her.”
“No,” he said, vehemently shaking his head. “I tried to persuade you tell her you didn’t want her moving in, to tell Amy that you still love her. If it goes to shit with Amy, I don’t expect you to give up the one woman who managed to make you smile again.”
Now it was my turn to raise my brows.
“Hey,” Sam cried holding his hands up. “I never said I was the good brother, I’m a great believer in having your fucking cake and eating it.”
“Sam what the hell is going on in your head? That isn’t like you.”
And it really wasn’t. Sam loved women, he’d had many women, but he’d never been a liar or a cheater. He’d never led a woman on even, so I had no idea why he was suggesting what he was. It wasn’t like him and definitely wasn’t the advice he’d been giving me for weeks.
“Listen, Eli,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Whatever you decide is up to you, but please don’t leave things as they are, without at least trying to find out how Amy feels. Like I said, regret is fucking shit.”
He then ended our conversation by sitting back, grabbing the remote control and turning the TV back on.
Amy
aged 28
I looked at the guests milling around the garden and in the house and felt a little thrill of excitement. There were famous footballers, world known rock stars, and even a very minor member of royalty. Tino and Sophie certainly knew how to throw a party. Sophie had given birth to another little boy, Matteo, and only three weeks later was hosting a huge house warming party and looking amazing at it too, wearing a gorgeous red wraparound dress.
Claudia and I had been invited, having worked on the house and she and her girlfriend, Louise, were currently chatting to Sophie’s pregnant sister Molly and her famous footballer husband, Joe Bennett, and it had to be said, both Claudia and Louise were looking a little star struck. I, however, was hiding behind a huge potted fern on the terrace, as I was not in the mood for socialising. I’d decided not to ask Leon about the room situation when we went away, but simply go with the flow and see how things went. As we were leaving in a couple of days, my nerves were on edge, because as much as I would have liked to think I was chilled and relaxed about it, I wasn’t. I was second guessing everything about it.
Would Leon expect sex?
Would we have sex?
Was I worried whether it would surpass my first time with Elijah?
Claudia was right, I should have asked Leon, but now it felt too late.
“Hey,” a voice said in the dimness. “I thought I saw you come out here.”
“Elijah,” I gasped. “Hi.”
My heart thudded at the sight of him. His hair had grown a little in the two weeks since I’d seen him; still much shorter than he’d worn it when we were together, but it was longer. It really didn’t matter what the length of his hair was though, he looked handsome and sexy whichever way he wore it.
“How come you’re out here?” he asked, shifting his can of beer from one hand to the other.
I glanced into the house through the terrace doors. Candles and lamps were now on in the family room and everyone was laughing and chatting, some were even taking turns to use the swing I’d almost killed myself installing.
“You could be in there drumming up business,” Elijah continued. “I’ve heard quite a few people complimenting the design.”
“Really?” I smiled and leaned forward to look further into the house. “It looks even better now it’s being lived in. What about you, have you managed to get any more business based on how beautiful the gardens look?”
Elijah grinned. “The famous Jake Hughes has taken my number.”
“From Dirty Riches?”
He nodded and took a swig of his beer. “Yeah, he’s buying a property to sell on, so you should get in there and pass him your business card. Why aren’t you inside anyway?”
“Just fancied some quiet,” I replied with a shrug. “I’m going away in a couple of days, so have stuff to do tomorrow and don’t want a hangover from one of Tino’s drinking games.”
Elijah laughed, glancing at the house. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Where are you off to anyway?”
“Um…the Lakes.” I took a drink of my wine, wondering why I felt so awkward about telling him.
“For work?”
“No just a weekend.”
He gave a short nod. “Oh okay, nice. You and Rach?”
My stomach churned. Why the hell didn’t I want him to know? He lived with his girlfriend, I was only having a weekend away with the man I was seeing. After what Elijah had done to us, I should have been rubbing it in, like salt into an open wound, but I knew deep down it wasn’t about getting my own back in some way. I was worried that he wouldn’t give a shit and I wanted him to. I wanted him to be enraged with jealousy, to seethe with anger that I would be sharing a hotel room with another man – but if he didn’t, it would crush me.
“My friend, Leon,” I whispered before clearing my throat. “We’re going to a Laurel & Hardy exhibition.”
If Elijah felt anything he didn’t show it, not even surprise. He simply nodded and drank some more of his beer. I had no idea what he was thinking as we sat in silence. All I did know was that it felt awkward; his body was stiff and my hands were playing with my wine glass as the disappointment of him not caring sank in.
I was about to get up and go inside, when Elijah let out a groan and put his can of beer down on the terrace. He moved over and stood in front of me, and looked down on me with his hands laced behind his neck.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, craning my neck up to see him properly, he was so close.
“Shit.” He closed his eyes momentarily and then sighed. “I don’t know where to start. What the fuck to say. I had promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but I can’t not, Amy. I can’t go any longer without-.”
He stopped and turned, stalking two steps away before quickly coming back in my direction and stopping in exactly the same spot.
“Elijah, I don’t…”
I could see he was torn, the pain in his eyes, the stoop of his shoulders, but I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to be told to stop holding out hope for us because we wouldn’t be getting back together.
“You don’t need to,” I said, standing up.
His hand landed on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat.
“No, I do. Please listen.”
A cold shiver ran over me as Elijah blew out a breath. His panic and anxiety spread to me as the glass in my hand started to shake. I put it on the floor and clasped my hands between my knees, hoping to stop them trembling, but the shiver of fear had enveloped my whole body as I fought against tears.
“I don’t want to hear it,” I blurted out. “I don’t need you to tell me, Elijah. I know there isn’t any chance for us, I really do, but please don’t say it. I’ll go.” I stood up again and wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to stem my anxious shaking. “You don’t have to say it. I know.”
“No,
that’s it, Amy, you don’t know.”
His hand reached out to touch my elbow, but he quickly withdrew it as if I’d been icy to his touch.
“I do know,” I responded, shaking my head.
“Amy, just listen to me, please.”
His voice was determined as he pointed to the bench seat that he’d made, where I’d been sitting, waiting to hear the only man I’d ever loved tell me that we were well and truly over.
“Amy, sit,” he commanded when I hesitated.
Gulping and feeling my heart thud, I did as I was told and sat back down. Taking a deep breath, Elijah took two steps back and looked up at the darkening sky before bringing his gaze back to me. He still didn’t speak and I was getting more anxious and more impatient – and a little pissed off, if I was honest.
I knew what he was going to say, so why was he dragging it out and making me feel more crap than I already did. I felt sick at the thought of what he was going to say, how he was going to take away any hope that I had and I hated him for it. Hated him for dragging my pain out.
“Amy,” he suddenly said, looking down on me. “I’ve loved you since we were seventeen years old, you know that.”
I nodded, chewing on my lip.
“I’ll always love you, no matter what. No matter who I’m with it will always be you who took my heart first. You’re the one who I always wanted to spend my whole life with.”
“But?” I asked, hearing the past tense in his statement. “Tell me, Elijah.”
Elijah: The Cooper Brothers Page 19