Tears I really didn’t want to shed, started to trickle down my cheeks as I looked up at the man I would always love, but who was about to crush me.
Elijah shook his head. “There is no but,” he whispered. “And that’s the fucking problem, I can’t move on, I thought I could, but since you’ve been back you’ve turned my life on its damn arse. I can’t think about anyone or anything but you. Every minute, all I care about is where you are, what you’re doing, are you thinking about me.
“I was happy until you came back. At least I thought I was.”
“And now?” I asked, my voice small and timid.
“And now,” he sighed. “I have no fucking clue how I survived without you. How I thought you were someone I could move on from. I can’t be with anyone else. I don’t know how to.”
As Elijah’s long, calloused finger ran down my cheek, the air rushed from my lungs and every part of my body lit up like the Christmas tree on Trafalgar Square. I was basking in the warmth that his words and touch gave to me and inched forward, needing and hoping for more.
“I love you, Amy. I swear I would never and have never done anything that would hurt you. I know you’ll find it difficult to believe that after what you saw, but I need you to want to try baby, because I can’t live without you by my side any longer. I’m emotionally crippled without you. I want you back in my life, in my bed, in my future.”
Without thinking, wondering, or considering, I threw myself at him. I flew into his arms, wrapping mine around his neck, my legs around his waist and slammed my mouth to his.
We kissed passionately, a feverish mix of desire, need, and longing, desperate to satisfy the hunger for each other. It was bliss and felt as though we’d never been apart. Every sweep of Elijah’s tongue, the feel of his lips, the pressure of his mouth on mine, it was a beautiful memory brought back to life.
Elijah’s hand slipped under my loose top, warm against my cool skin, and I thought that I might explode with the joy of finally feeling his touch again.
Everything flooded back in amazing technicolour – the way his hands had explored my body, the moments that he’d brought me to orgasm, and the years that he’d protected and loved me.
As Elijah’s hips rocked, I felt his erection through the thin lace of my knickers where my skirt had bunched around my thighs. It was long and hard and just as spectacular as I remembered, and I moaned in appreciation.
His large hand gripped my arse and pushed me closer as we continued to kiss. He tasted of beer and mint and I loved how his muscular, tattooed arms gripped me tightly, trapping me against him. Every nerve in my body, every inch of my skin was alive and sensitive; high on anticipation.
My hands went to Elijah’s head and my fingers tried to grasp his hair.
“You have to grow this,” I groaned against his lips. “I need to run my fingers through it.”
“Anything for you.”
I reached between us and felt his hardness beneath his jeans, pleased that nothing there appeared to have changed.
“Not sure I can make that much longer though,” Elijah muttered, before his mouth fused to mine once more.
As his hands moved up my ribcage, I clung on tighter, never wanting to let go, ever again.
“Stay with me tonight?” Elijah asked, moving us further into the darkness that the fern provided.
I pulled back from him, looking intently into his eyes as I cupped his face with my shaking palm.
“At your house?”
“Mia isn’t there, she’s looking after her mum.”
My heart halted. Thudding to an emergency stop.
“You’re still with her? You’re still living together?”
Elijah leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose. “Technically.”
Pure, unadulterated anger burst forth at his words.
“What, like technically you were with me, when you slept with Lauren?”
Elijah
aged 28
“What, like technically you were with me, when you slept with Lauren?” Amy spat at me, lowering her legs to the ground.
“Amy,” I growled. “I thought-.”
“What, you thought one kiss, one quick fuck and I’d forget everything that you did to us?”
I ran a hand down my face, as Amy backed away from me. Shit, I’d well and truly fucked things up.
“I just assumed that this,” I waved a finger between us, “meant that we were at least getting to a place where we could move forward.”
“Yes, we were,” Amy snapped, holding a hand against her throat. “Until you let slip that you were still with your girlfriend, who lives with you.”
“I didn’t know that you knew Mia lived-.”
“Yes, well I fucking did, which makes this worse, you thought you were hiding it from me!”
“I wasn’t hiding it. I just didn’t know you knew.”
“Well, I do and you led me to believe that you were over.”
Tears were shining in her eyes and I felt like a complete shit – again.
“When?” I asked in a soft voice. “When did I say that?”
“Just ten minutes ago,” she cried, taking another step back. “You said you couldn’t move on. You intimated it.”
“I’m sorry if that’s what I did. I know I should’ve been clearer, but it makes no difference to how I feel about you. I love you Amy. I want to be with you. Now and always.”
“But you have a girlfriend. How do you think that makes me feel, especially considering Lauren Fucking Proctor?”
I stamped my foot in frustration and let out a groan. I was frustrated that Amy couldn’t see the bigger picture, but I was more frustrated with myself that I’d cocked things up and had been stupid enough to listen to Sam and not speak to Mia first before telling Amy how I felt.
“She’s been away for weeks,” I started, desperate to explain.
“Oh, so you’re feeling neglected and thought a quick hook up with the ex-wife might fill the gap.”
“No,” I cried. “Don’t be so fucking stupid. I was an idiot for not talking to Mia first, but I wasn’t sure how you were going to react-.”
The slap across my face was hard for such a tiny hand, and it stung like hell, but I knew I deserved it. I’d fucked things up in enormous proportions. Every time I’d opened my mouth I’d made it worse. Maybe I should have thought things through first, but hearing Amy say she was going away with Leon had killed me.
“I was just a damn backup plan, wasn’t I?” Amy sobbed as big, fat tears rolled down her face. “Actually change that, Mia was a backup plan in case I wasn’t the sure thing you thought I’d be.”
I held a hand out, wanting to comfort her, but the fire and distaste in her eyes warned me not to.
“That wasn’t how it was, Amy,” I whispered, still feeling the sting of her palm on my face. “I swear to you. I know I’ve handled this all wrong, but the reason I’ve done and said these things is true and honest. I don’t love Mia like I love you. I will never love her like I love you. I’ll never want anyone like I want you. I crave for you with every part of my being. I love you with all of my heart. I need you. I want you, no one else, ever.”
Tears were now wetting my cheeks too, but my obvious pain didn’t change Amy’s demeanour. In fact, she seemed to harden even more. Her spine straightened as she swiped at her cheeks with her palms.
“I so wanted this, Elijah,” she said, her voice hard. “It was all I could think of, us getting back together. I was willing to forget and maybe even part of me believed you,” she sniffed. “But you’ve just proved to me that we can never happen. Too many years have gone by, too much has happened and you lied to me again, at a point when I really needed to believe and trust you. You spoiled what should have been one of the best moments in my life, in our lives, but you ruined it, Elijah. You just ruined it.”
Her tears were coming fast and strong as her chest hiccupped with sobs. I thought my own heart was going to break. I had been so close to getti
ng the only thing I craved in my life – my wife back.
“Amy please don’t,” I begged.
She shook her head. “No. Don’t ever speak to me again. Don’t even approach me. We are over. It’s not and never will happen because if you can lie to me now, how can I ever trust you?”
“You’re going away with some guy called Leon, yet you still kissed me,” I cried, desperately trying anything I could to get her to change her mind. “I never said anything about that.”
Amy’s eyes went wide and wild as she pointed a finger at me. “Don’t you dare try and turn this onto me.”
“I’m not, but it’s true.”
“I’ve been seeing him for a month, we’ve had a few dates and I would have called him tonight if I was going to get back with you. I certainly wouldn’t have waited to see if we’d worked out and kept him as my backup plan.”
“I was never going to do that,” I yelled, raising my hands in the air in frustration.
“Yeah, well,” Amy sneered. “That’s what it seemed like and I will never be second best, for anyone, ever again.”
With her long hair swaying over her shoulder, she strode away around the side of the house, in the direction of the driveway.
I sank onto the bench seat before my legs gave way and dropped my head into my hands.
How the hell could everything have gone to shit so quickly? My heart had been so full but within minutes it had been ripped out and torn into shreds. My breath was quick and sharp as the shock hit me of losing Amy again. I needed and wanted her and now I was never going to get her back. I wanted to scream and tear the place down. My anger was so raw and putrid that the only relief I got was from hitting my palms against my head, wishing I could redo it all; the last fifteen minutes, the last eleven years.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d sat there, but the noise inside the house had got louder, more raucous, and the air outside was cooler. I shivered in my t-shirt and knew I had to go. I couldn’t be there, around people enjoying themselves, when all I wanted to do was cry and wallow in the shit hole of my own self-pity.
I didn’t have my car, as Tino and Sophie had provided taxis for everyone, so I pulled open the door of the first in line and gave the driver my address.
As we drove through the streets, my phone buzzed with a text. It was too much to expect it was Amy, but I pulled it out of my pocket anyway – always hopeful.
Mia: How’s the party?
I gave a deep sigh and stared down at it, wondering what to respond. I looked out to the streets racing by and pictured her pretty smile. Making my mind up, I dialled her number – she answered almost immediately.
“Hey you. I didn’t expect you to call. I just wanted to see what the party was like.”
My smile at the sound of her voice was involuntary.
“It was good, but I’m knackered, so I’ve just left.”
“Oh okay. So tell me, is Joe Bennett as good looking in real life as he is on telly?”
I laughed quietly. “Well, how about I tell you tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I’m coming to see you.”
As she squealed with delight, I pulled the phone away from my ear.
It was time to move on with my life – without Amy, no matter how much it broke my heart.
Amy
aged 22
“Where’s Eli?” Sam asked, pulling a can of lager from the pile on the kitchen table.
“I put him in Alex’s spare room,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “He’s totally wasted.”
“That’s what playing beer pong and working through lunch does for you.”
“Yeah, I know, but he wanted to get as much done as he could so he could finish early.” I picked at the Wotsits in a bowl – Alex’s idea of party food. “His boss is a shit.”
“I know.” Sam joined me in eating the snacks, pausing to peer into the lounge where a huge cheer had gone up. “I keep telling him to start his own business. I could get him a couple of jobs to start him off.”
“You think?”
I was desperate for Elijah to start his own gardening business. He was good enough and hardworking enough, plus it was our dream to work together; me designing the insides of people’s houses and Eli transforming their gardens.
“Yep, defo. I’ll start asking a few of my clients. In fact, Danbury Industries have quite a bit of land around their factory and John Danbury is always saying he wants to do something with it.”
“God Sam, that would be fantastic,” I gasped, the possibility thrilling me. “Do you do a lot of work with them?”
Sam nodded and stuffed some more Wotsits into his mouth. “Yep, loads. We supply all their temps, so leave it with me.”
I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “Thanks Sam. You’re a good big brother.”
He grinned and wiped a hand down his face. “Don’t spoil my street cred, Ames. I have the reputation of a tosser to keep up. Plus, Maisie West is in there and I’m hoping that she’ll let me walk her home later, I don’t want her to get the wrong idea that I’m a nice bloke.”
“Ugh, just don’t make it our home,” I groaned, poking him in the stomach. “I don’t want to have to hear you both at it all night.”
Sam wiggled his eyebrows and looked back toward the lounge.
“She’s actually not that sort of girl,” he sighed. “Maybe Hannah Brown is better for me? I’ve always fancied her.”
“Yes, but if you like Maisie, you should go for it,” I replied, glancing at the blonde girl he was talking about. “She seems nice.”
Sam smiled. “Yeah, she is.”
As I watched Sam watch Maisie, we fell silent for a few seconds until a couple of people I didn’t know shoved past us to grab a bottle of wine.
“Rude much,” I muttered as they left us,
“I think they’re mates of Lauren Proctor.”
I shuddered at the mention of her name. “Can’t believe Alex invited her.”
“I don’t think he did. He invited Poppy James and Lauren and those two girls came with her.”
“Bitch,” I snarled. “I hate her. She was all over Elijah as soon as we got here.”
Sam shook his head. “You have nothing to worry about, Ames. He’s not interested in her.”
“Not sure he’s interested in me either.”
Sam’s gaze shot to me. “Hey?”
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” I sighed. “It’s just me being stupid.”
“It is you being stupid, because if you’re referring to the fact you’re not at it every bloody night, don’t sweat it.”
“Has he said something to you?” My eyes went wide and my hands to my hips.
I hadn’t said anything to anyone about the fact Elijah and I hadn’t had sex for almost two weeks; not even to Elijah. I was too scared that I wouldn’t like what he said if I asked him if there was a problem.
Sam started to laugh, his head going back as he let out a loud rumble.
“Seriously Ames? We live in a two bedroomed apartment, you’re not quiet and I haven’t heard you for a while and my brother has been falling asleep on the sofa every night, so no, he hasn’t said anything, I guessed.”
“It’s not like us, Sam,” I hissed. “And I’m worried he’s gone off me. That maybe he blames me for the baby.”
Sam’s eyes widened.
“Ames, come on. He fucking adores you, as if he’d go off you. As for the baby, he doesn’t blame you. He’s devastated too, but no way does he think it’s your fault. He’s knackered with all the overtime he’s been doing, as well as that shit of a boss of his skiving off at any opportunity.”
“You know it would be my due date, in two weeks.” I informed Sam, feeling my throat prickle with emotion. “I think I’ve been so lost in my own head over it, I’ve probably neglected him”
“You haven’t neglected him,” Sam replied. “You’ve had other things on your mind; Eli is probably going through th
e same thing, so stop worrying. Everything will be fine. It’s probably a mixture of tiredness and sadness all rolled into one.”
“You think that’s all it is?” I asked, still feeling anxious despite Sam’s words.
“Yes, I do,” he replied, placing his large hands on my shoulders. “I promise. Get the date over with and you’ll see.”
“I just worry, Sam. It’s hit him so hard.”
I swallowed, trying desperately not to cry. I’d already had a sobbing session earlier, when I’d seen an old school friend in town, cradling her baby bump. The pain and desolation had been too much and as soon as I got into my car the tears had started, as I thought about what we should have been looking forward to.
“Amy,” Sam said softly. “Don’t get upset, please.”
He ran a hand over his head, his other hand reaching out to cup my elbow. I could see he didn’t know what to do or say. I didn’t expect him to know and I hadn’t wanted to talk about the baby, but it was never far from my mind.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t mean to…it’s just me being sensitive. My emotions are all over the place and I’m being irrational and worrying over nothing. You’re right, it’ll be fine once we get past the date.”
He gave me a smile and I was sure it was of relief that I wasn’t going to break down.
“You really have no need to worry,” Sam offered. “You’ve got a brilliant relationship, and I’ve got to be honest, I envy you both.”
“You do?” I was shocked, Sam always seemed to love his bachelor life; a different girl every weekend, nights out with the boys and no one to answer to.
“Yeah, I do.” He glanced to the lounge and then hit me with a huge grin. “But don’t dare tell that little shit you’re married to.”
* * *
I’d stuck the party out for another hour or so, without Elijah, but having Lauren throw me evil glares every few seconds was getting boring, so I decided it was time to leave, if I could raise Elijah. He’d been absolutely legless when Lucas and I had put him to bed, but after what Sam had said I wondered if his problem was exhaustion as well as too much alcohol. Getting him home to his own bed would be the best thing for him. Alex had offered to help me get Elijah up and into a taxi, but he’d disappeared somewhere, Lucas was playing tonsil tennis with a girl I didn’t know, and Sam was in a deep conversation with Maisie West, so it looked like it was up to me.
Elijah: The Cooper Brothers Page 20