The Battered Suitcase September 2008
Page 9
"Andy-man, you're nuts." Jason looked into the top of the tank. "This guy is food for the big lunkers. Should have flushed him, let him die quickly." He laughed.
"Shut up," Andy said as he squinted back to the road.
"Why'd your mom make you -- "
"No room in the new apartment. Dad hates the fish, anyway."
After sliding to a park and taking the tank from Jason, Andy stood at the edge of the river. The water's surface started to shake with raindrops. He held the tank and looked at the lone survivor -- the fish that weathered two years in his bedroom, sitting in that tank on a dresser. He hesitated, remembering.
"Come on, damn it!" Jason shouted from the car. "It's really starting to piss on us!"
"Good luck," Andy said as he tipped the tank toward the flowing water and watched the streak of gold slide out and into the river. With an electric flash, the fish vanished. Andy thought about diving in and vanishing too. They drove back to Springdale in the silence between thick drops of rain, something heavy floating in the air between them. Andy looked out the window, watching droplets explode in the dirt.
~
Andy's fingers scratched and pulled at the safety belt, trying to wrench it free while the small trickles of water burst into full sprays. Gravity held him fast against the belt, belly to the bottom of the river. The front grill burrowed into the silt, and Andy vomited into the windshield. He began to imagine dying...
~
During his sophomore year, a crushing tackle during the second week of practice snapped Andy's tibia. His football career was over -- thankfully over, but he couldn't tell his dad and Jason couldn't understand. Andy never wanted to play. He couldn't stand the closeness in the locker room, afraid that someone would read secret thoughts on his face. Most of all, he was terrified that one of the other boys would find out, crack through his facade, and he would face the horrible jeers, mockery, his father's whiskey-tinged disappointment.
His mother bought the fish, set up the tank in Andy's room for something to occupy the hours of waiting for the slow knitting of his splintered bone. At first there were three of them. "You can name them after the Three Stooges, honey," his mother said with a smile.
Being away from the field didn't make the feelings go away. Jason would help with his books in the halls and stop to visit most evenings after football practice. "Great practice today. I think we're going to be good. Coach says I might get some playing time."
"Awesome, Jay. Really." Andy forced his gaze away from Jason's blue eyes; he stared across the room at an overturned laundry basket. A few moments passed in silence.
"Hey, you know that girl I told you about, Mandy?"
"Yeah, Mandy." Andy felt hot; he wanted to throw open his bedroom windows.
"Well, what do you think?"
"She's nice."
"No, what would you give her... on a scale of one to ten."
Andy squirmed. He closed his eyes. "Five -- six -- I don't know... "
"Wow, I was hoping for at least a seven." Jason plucked at his sweaty t-shirt. "Damn. I better take a shower. Later, dude." He paused in Andy's doorway. "Hey, Mandy has a couple friends, maybe we could double."
"Sure, whatever," Andy mumbled. After Jason left, Andy turned to the small flecks of gold that couldn't swim away and hide from him.
~
Something grew in the cloudy water -- something gold and shimmery. The windshield buckled a little while the shadows of catfish and carp swirled in the darkness. The gold thing swelled, skating through the darkness, burning, it seemed, with its own light. Andy's eyes caught the fins, the translucent fans of orange waving in the water. A sense of calm bloomed inside his chest. The enormous goldfish moved as if to swallow Andy, the car -everything. It loomed, blotting out the world, covering Andy with a dark shroud...
~
A few hours ago, the sky was thick and pervasive like spilt ink. Andy, holding an aluminum can in his hand, stood just outside the crowd. Music poured from the house, and bodies moved and danced on the lawn in the cool, spring air. It was Mandy's house -- Jason's girlfriend. Her parents were gone; she opened the invitation. "Just a little party," she had told Jason.
Andy paced outside the noisy eye of the party, finished his six beer, and felt the buzz. He always paced outside the crowd, always tried to vanish, become invisible. Springdale was so small, so uncompromising, so unsympathetic. Two more months, he thought, then done, gone. His father, armed with rough calloused fists and bleeding that oily car smell -- gone. The feeling of scratching at the iron doors of a cocoon, suffocating in that small town -- gone. Andy was ready to go.
"Dude," Jason thumped him across the back with one heavy hand. "Some cute girls here -- Cat, y'know Mandy's older sister is back from college. You remember her. She asked about you."
Andy stepped further away from the group. "I... I'm not really interested."
"Dude -- she's hot. Weren't you guys in art club or some shit together?"
Andy gulped the last of his warm beer and tossed the can behind him. "Choir, dumbass." He crossed his arms. "Look -- "
"She told me to come find you, now c'mon." Jason leaned closer; Andy smelled his breath, saw a flicker in his eyes. He wrapped one strong hand around Andy's arm.
Andy felt stifled, hot and suffocating. "I'm not interested all right... I'm just -"
"What?" Jason dropped his grip and backed toward the party. "What -- you don't like girls?" He chuckled. "I've tried to set you up before. I try to get you a hook up with a hot college chick, and this is the shit you drop on me." Jason's smile shifted into sour disgust.
Andy flushed -- feeling naked, flayed open under the purple sky. He stepped back, suddenly afraid. "Jay... I didn't want you to... "
Jason turned away, becoming a black giant in the night. His shoulders dropped and swelled again, growing bigger, menacing. He snarled as he spun. "Fuck you, Andy." Jason's fist flashed to Andy's chin - a sharp crack, and Andy crumbled to the ground. The shadow covered him. "You look stupid, crying on the ground on all fours. Get up."
Andy brought his gaze to Jason's shadow, noticing the crowd growing behind him. He spit blood, pushed to his knees, and slowly stood. "Jay... "
"Get away from me." The shadow receded.
Andy wiped his face on one sleeve, fished the keys from his pocket, and stumbled to his car. The sound of music, voices, and laughter faded to a pinprick and vanished. He climbed into the car and brought it to life with an awkward growl.
~
After being swallowed, Andy chose between the darkness he knew and an impossible darkness. He closed his eyes against the darkness inside the maw of that fish. He chest began to warm; his heart beat grew tiny but fast, almost a constant hum. He felt pulled from the mud; the car dissolved-the biting pain of the seatbelt melted from his collarbone. Andy flew through the water, borne inside a massive goldfish...
~
Andy opened his eyes on the river bank, looking into the dark water. A billion stars lit the surface, dancing as the current pulled toward bigger rivers and eventually the ocean. Among the dots of silver, he saw one large smear of gold - an immense blur that turned and circled.
When the gold vanished, Andy felt his clothes, realized they were soaked and dredged with heavy river mud. He pulled the shirt off first, struggling to yank his arms free. The April breeze still had a chill, but something inside Andy's chest still burned warm and lovely. The warmth spread to his fingers and toes. Andy pushed off both shoes before shaking off his wet jeans. He dropped to the mud and stripped both socks and his underwear.
He stood for a moment, naked on the edge of the shifting water. He glowed slightly in the black world, shimmered like a fresh coin. His lungs swelled with good night air, and Andy splashed into the river - no longer trapped and drowning, but free.
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