Fragile Wings

by Rebecca S. Buck

  “Of course, we don’t,” James told her. “Although it’s remarkable how you make it seem as though you’ve just survived a terrible ordeal when all we did was visit home.”

  “It’s not an ordeal for you, James, dearest, since Mater and Pater think you’re the cat’s pyjamas. However, for me, it’s rather different. I’m not in favour.”

  “You know you only have yourself to blame.”

  “No, I entirely blame them. Frank was their favourite, and then they decided you were their favourite when they lost him. Maybe I look too much like him. Or they don’t really like girls.”

  “You’re absurd sometimes, Lilian.”

  “I know.” With that, Lilian marched up the stairs.

  James watched her go, frowning. “You know, Evelyn, Lilian’s been much more absurd than usual just lately. Has she mentioned anything to you about what might be wrong?” James looked at Evelyn with an expression of earnest concern.

  Evelyn thought about Lilian’s deteriorating relationship with Vernon, about the illegal drugs. There were several reasons Lilian might be acting more strangely than her brother was used to, but none she could tell him about. “No, she’s not really said anything to me at all,” she said.

  “Yes, I’ve noticed she’s not as friendly towards you, either, if I’m honest,” James said.

  “Perhaps I’ve overstayed my welcome,” Evelyn suggested. Moments later, she decided that was not the best tactic, since it prompted reassurances of quite the opposite from James.

  “No, Evelyn, please don’t think that. We’re more than happy to have you here.” His enthusiasm was rather intimidating, particularly when she felt so fragile and when she wanted nothing more than to go and speak to Jos.

  “Well, thank you. I do appreciate it,” she said, turning to walk away from James.

  “Actually, Evelyn, I’ve been wanting to speak to you about that,” James said, hurriedly.

  Evelyn’s heart sank. “You have?” she asked, turning to face him again.

  “Yes. While we were away, well, it gave me a bit of time to think. And I realised that, with the new year coming, it’s a time for making resolutions. I suppose I was inspired by seeing Frank’s portrait at my parents’ house too, to think what he would have done. He was an awful lot braver than me, you know.”

  James paused and Evelyn frowned. She knew she should feel for him, appreciate his lack of confidence, and be kind. But this was the wrong moment for that. “And what resolution do you want to make?”

  James looked a little surprised at her direct questions, yet it also seemed to make it easier for him. “Evelyn, I think you’re wonderful, you must know it. I’ve never met a girl like you in London. My resolution, if you will have me, is that I would like to marry you. Will you marry me, Evelyn?”

  Evelyn stared. She had expected something along these lines from James, but not a proposal, not so suddenly and without any warning.

  “But we’ve not even been for that walk you invited me on. Or to the pictures,” she protested weakly, not sure what else she was supposed to say.

  “We can do all of those things. It can be a long engagement, if that’s what you would like, but I can’t think of anyone else I would want to marry. I think I love you, Evelyn.”

  Evelyn raised her eyebrows. She almost wanted to laugh at James, though she was too aware of the gravity of the situation to do so. The idea of marrying James was ridiculous, particularly when he could only declare that he thought he loved her. He was watching her reaction.

  “I know this is coming out all wrong,” he said. “I didn’t mean to ask you right away. I wanted to wait until this evening, perhaps, and work out what I would say. But the moment just seemed right. Maybe if you’ll just consider it. I think you feel the same way.”

  His presumption sent Evelyn over the line from stunned ridicule to anger. Now he reached for her hand and tried to draw her closer. Still contemplating her response, she let him. But when, encouraged, he leaned towards her with his lips pursed for a kiss, she could not help herself. She pushed him back, rather more violently than she had planned.

  “No, James!” she said, loudly, the emotions of the day affecting her tone. “I don’t feel the same way at all.”

  James looked shocked but not prepared to accept her words. “I know you’re not used to this sort of thing, Evelyn. I’m sorry if it’s a bit sudden. But you must feel something, or else why would you have agreed to come out with me?”

  Evelyn stared at him in horror, totally unsure what to say. “It is sudden, James, but that’s not why I’m saying no. And I’ve not said so, but I was engaged once before, in Devon, so I am used to this. I didn’t want to marry him and I don’t want to marry you. I’m sorry.”

  James’s disappointment turned to anger. “You were engaged before? So you ran away to London to get away from a marriage you didn’t want to go through with?”

  “No, that’s not right at all,” Evelyn said. “I came to London to look for a new life. My engagement was just one of the the things I left behind.”

  “You used our brother’s letter to get here, to convince us to give you refuge, just so you could get away from a commitment you’d made?”

  “You’re not listening, James, which makes me even less likely to look favourably on you. I’m sorry you see it that way, but it’s not true. After what happened to my brother in the war, I’d never do what you’ve just said.”

  “So why is it that you won’t marry me, then? Give me a good reason.” There was a challenge in James’s eyes now, which frightened her a little.

  “I don’t love you, James.”

  “You could grow to.”

  “That’s not how I believe a marriage should work.” In desperation, she added, “Besides, there’s someone else who I think I love.”

  “Who?” James demanded.

  “It is none of your business.” Anger flashed in Evelyn’s heart, partly because she wanted very badly to tell him who she loved and yet she could not. She heard movement at the top of the stairs and suspected Lilian was listening. She did not care. “I don’t have to tell you anything, especially not about who I love.”

  James responded to that anger with a pale-faced fury. “In that case you can get out of my house,” he snapped.

  Without another word, Evelyn took her coat from the hook in the hallway and did just as he asked. It was not until she had slammed the door behind her and was out in the street that she realised what she had done. All of her belongings and money were in that house. The house was her only place to stay in London. Lilian and James had been her first friends here. Without Jos, it was possible she had no friends here at all. For the first time since she had alighted the train at Paddington, London was huge and terrifying again, and she was alone.

  There was only one course of action she could think of, and that was to do what she had planned to do anyway, to find Jos. There was even more at stake now. Surely Jos would put her fears aside to help Evelyn, even if she would not relent over their relationship. But if she could be persuaded that it was safe to love Evelyn, perhaps all was not lost after all. Jos was really all that mattered now.

  She retraced her steps to Jos’s flat, horribly aware of how much had changed since she had made this journey the previous day. Since then she’d been the happiest, angriest, and most desperate she’d ever been. Now, she could not wait to get to the door, to tell Jos what had happened, to bring about that the happy reunion she had been imagining.

  She reached Jos’s now familiar door and rang the bell. There was no answer. She rang the bell again, repeatedly. Eventually, she concluded that Jos was not home. She thought about where she might find Jos, or anyone she could still call a friend. Not entirely sure she could find her way back to Clara and Courtney’s house and with no idea where Dorothy lived, the only place she could think of was the Yellow Orchid. Of course, Jos might be there herself. If she wasn’t, she could probably rely on Vernon to help her.

  As she entered
the Orchid, she paid little heed to the fashionable patrons present, although she was aware that her hurried entrance and distressed expression attracted a few glances. She made straight for the office at the back of the room, knocking only briefly on the door before she went in.

  To her relief, she found Vernon sitting behind the desk. He jumped to his feet when she appeared, his quick eyes taking in her emotional state before he uttered a greeting. “Evie! What’s wrong?” he asked, crossing the room and taking her arm. “Is it Jos?”

  Evelyn was so relieved to have found a friend, that she almost started crying. However, she needed to explain. “This morning it was Jos. She sent me away, told me she didn’t love me,” she told him.

  “Oh she’s an idiot, my sister. Evelyn, she doesn’t mean it. You need to—”

  “I know,” Evelyn interupted. “At first I was devastated and then I was angry. I didn’t understand. But then I remembered what you said about her, what Clara said, and I started to understand. I need to talk to her. I was hoping she was here, she’s not at home.”

  “I’m sorry, I’ve not seen her all day.”

  “It’s not just that though, not now,” Evelyn said, feeling her chest tighten.

  “What else?” Vernon was full of concern, his usual feigned insincerity entirely gone.

  “James Grainger just asked me to marry him.”

  “Bloody hell, Evelyn! What did you say to him?”

  Evelyn looked at Vernon. “What do you think I said?”

  “Well, I don’t think I hear the sound of wedding bells. I don’t mean that. I mean, did you let him down gently?”

  Evelyn sighed. “Not exactly. The last thing he said to me was Get out of my house.”

  “It’s been quite a day for you, then.” He smiled slightly.

  She guessed he was trying to keep her calm. “Yes.”

  “Can I get you a drink? In fact, I insist on getting you a drink. Stay there.” Vernon left the room to return moments later with a glass of brandy.

  Evelyn sipped it, grateful for his kindness. “Do you know where Jos might be?” she asked, eventually.

  “Afraid not. I have one or two ideas. There’s places she takes herself off to when she’s unhappy, places where she doesn’t have to face anyone she knows. I imagine she’s drunk far too much whisky and is currently feeling very sorry for herself. If she’s pushed you away, she’ll hate herself right now.”

  “I don’t want that,” Evelyn said. “I want to make her understand that I’m not pushing her into anything, I just want to be with her. And she won’t ruin it.”

  “It’ll take some convincing, Evie but, you know, I do think you might be the one to convince her, finally.”

  Vernon’s vote of confidence made her feel slightly better. If only she could find Jos, there was hope. “I really hope so. I love her, Vernon.”

  “I know you do, Evie. She knows it too. She’ll be back eventually, you can talk to her then. I honestly think you might have more to worry about with James.” Vernon’s serious tone was alarming. He was usually so quick to joke.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, haven’t you been rather reliant on Lilian and James? Where are your clothes and belongings? Where are you staying tonight?”

  “Remarkably practical considerations, for you,” Evelyn said. “And I had already thought about them. The answer is that all of my things are still in their house and I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight.”

  “Well, I don’t object to you sleeping here if you have nowhere else. I don’t think I’m a good choice to go to fetch your belongings though.”

  Relief filled Evelyn. If nothing else, she was no longer alone. “Thank you, I really do appreciate it.”

  “I do hope we can track my idiot sister down. She’s the one who should be helping you. She might end up here, when she finally wants to talk about her misery.”

  “I hope so,” Evelyn replied.

  At that moment, the door of the office swung open, slamming against the wall. Both Vernon and Evelyn looked up, startled to see Lilian in the doorway, eyes blazing with anger.

  “I might have known this is where you would be, you double-crossing little bitch!”

  Evelyn, who had never been called any such thing in her life, was astounded and horrified. Vernon seemed equally speechless. It was not immediately apparent what was wrong with Lilian, merely that she was extremely angry. She had spoken so loudly that a hush had fallen in the cafe, the buzz of conversation gone.

  “Lilian?” Vernon said eventually. “Is something wrong, darling?”

  “Don’t you call me darling! Not when you’ve been having your way with Evelyn, leading me on the whole time, you filthy excuse for a man.”

  It was now apparent what Lilian’s problem was, but Evelyn was still not sure exactly how she should deal with it. “Lilian, you’re wrong,” was all she could manage. However, this seemed to make Lilian’s anger intensify.

  “Don’t try to deny it. I take you into my home and share everything with you, and this is how you repay me? You rut in the same bed as me, taking my man from me, and you dare to refuse my brother when he offers you a decent marriage, better than anything else you’ll ever be offered in your dead-end little town in Devon?”

  “I was never your man, Lilian,” Vernon put in, unhelpfully in Evelyn’s opinion.

  She glared at him. “You said you were, to get me between your sheets,” Lilian retorted, loudly.

  “I don’t think I did, actually—it sounds most unlike me,” Vernon replied.

  “It doesn’t matter what you said to each other,” Evelyn interjected. “It’s more important that we assure Lilian that there is nothing between us and there never has been.”

  “Then why are you here? My brother proposes, you tell him you love someone else, and when I come to confront Vernon, I find you here.”

  “Why were you coming to confront me because Evie doesn’t want to marry James?” Vernon asked. “Hardly my fault.”

  Lilian’s eyes were filled with venom. “Because I know about you two. You’re the one Evie says she loves, aren’t you? I’ve suspected it for ages and then I saw her leaving here the other day. She never told me she was here—why would she lie?”

  “Are you spying on me?” Evelyn demanded.

  “No, I came here to see Vernon. You got here before me.”

  “Am I not allowed to see Vernon without you assuming I’m sharing his bed? Or do you think we’re all like you, Lilian?” Evelyn demanded, angry enough now to allow her contempt of Lilian to come to the fore.

  “And what’s that supposed to mean? Anyway, why would you come to see Vernon?”

  “It’s actually none of your business. But I wasn’t here to share his bed.”

  “Surprising isn’t it?” Venon said. “But it is true, Lilian. I can’t say I didn’t try, but Evie wasn’t interested.”

  If Vernon thought his humour would help the situation, he was wrong.

  “Well, she’s a liar, anyway. Do you know she ran away from home because she was engaged? She let her fiancé down and used our brother’s letter to find a way into our house so she didn’t have to face the situation she’d created. What do you think to that?”

  The pain of the accusation hit Evelyn hard, because Lilian was not entirely wrong. “While we’re accusing people of things, don’t forget the secrets I’m keeping for you.”

  Lilian’s eyes narrowed, though her expression gave Evelyn the impression that she suspected Evelyn would not dare tell Vernon, or anyone else listening, about what she had witnessed. It only made Evelyn more defiant. Lilian had belittled her for too long. However much sympathy she had for Lilian’s loss of her brother in the war, however grateful she was for her initial hospitality, the assumption that she had not only slept with Vernon but intentionally deceived Lilian about it was too much. “Vernon, would you believe I saw Lilian injecting herself with cocaine?” she declared.

  Vernon stared open-mouthed at Lilia
n, who was looking at Evelyn with horror in her eyes. Evelyn realised then that to be humiliated in front of Vernon, within earshot of some her of audience at the cafe, was probably the worst thing that could happen to Lilian. That just showed how superficial she was.

  After the brief moment of shocked silence, Lilian responded. She slapped Evelyn, hard, across the face, before Evelyn knew what was happening. The sharp sting of pain was nothing compared to the shock of the insult. Involuntarily, she took a step backward, falling through the doorway of the office and into the cafe proper. Instantly, she felt every pair of eyes in the room on her, as Lilian followed her out.

  “Hello everybody, enjoying the show are you?” Lilian had her audience again and she knew how to make use of them. “Yes, some of you know me, you’ve seen me sing. Well, I want to introduce someone to you. This is Evelyn Hopkins. She came here from Devon, playing on my brother’s memory to get herself somewhere to stay. Then she seduced my other brother, to the point where he proposed marriage to her. It was only then that she confessed that she’d run away from a broken engagement in Devon, without even telling her fiancé. On top of that, she’s been busy between the sheets with the owner of this fine establishment, who was supposed to be committed to me. And I saw her taking drugs too—she injects cocaine. How do you like that?”

  Evelyn heard Lilian’s words through a haze of pain and humiliation. She could not argue in front of so many people. She was vaguely aware of Vernon coming to her defence, dragging a shrieking and swearing Lilian back into the office. But to hear her actions described in such a way, combined with such lies, on a day on which everything had already seemed to fall apart once was too much. She had not come to London for this. Tears blurring her vision, she ran from the cafe, not noticing if anyone tried to comfort or criticise her. She thought she heard Vernon call after her, but she was through the door and into the street, running far away from that place, from the false accustations and the ones that were dangerously close to the truth, from Lilian whom she had thought was a friend, from Vernon who could not help her find Jos, and from the memories of Jos herself. If Jos did not want to find her, perhaps Vernon was wrong. Perhaps he was too kind to his sister. Maybe Jos really did just want to abandon Evelyn now.