Think Like a Monk

by Jay Shetty

  Think about all the daily activities that involve other people: commuting, a project at work, grocery shopping, dropping kids off at school, small talk with our partner. These are the little events that fill our lives, and how much pleasure they give us is largely up to us. Specifically, it depends on how much kindness we bring to these interactions and how much gratitude we take from them.

  TRY THIS: A GRATITUDE VISUALIZATION

  Take a moment right now to think of three things others have given you:

  A small kindness someone did you

  A gift that mattered to you

  Something that makes every day a little bit better

  Close your eyes. Take yourself back to the place in time of one of these acts, and relive how it felt—the sights, scents, and sounds. Re-experience it with awe, and experience those feelings in a deeper way.

  After this visualization, recognize that small things are happening for you. Don’t overlook them or take them for granted. Next, take a moment to feel a sense of being cared for, thought of, loved. This should boost your self-esteem and self-confidence. Last, know that just feeling great is not the end goal. Let this reflection lead to you feeling like you want to reciprocate with love by giving back to those who have given to you, or by passing on the love and care to those who don’t have it.

  GRATITUDE THROUGH SERVICE

  If we want to go beyond the incidental kindnesses of the day, we can actively inspire and increase our gratitude even more. We think of volunteering and serving others as ways of giving to those less fortunate, but they arguably do as much for the donor as they do for the recipient. Service helps us transform negative emotions like anger, stress, envy, and disappointment into gratitude. It does this by giving us perspective.

  “What brings you to me?” asked an old, wise woman of the young man who stood before her.

  “I see joy and beauty around me, but from a distance,” the young man said. “My own life is full of pain.”

  The wise woman was silent. She slowly poured a cup of water for the sad young man and handed it to him. Then she held out a bowl of salt.

  “Put some in the water,” she said.

  The young man hesitated, then took a small pinch of salt.

  “More. A handful,” the old woman said.

  Looking skeptical, the young man put a scoop of salt in his cup. The old woman gestured with her head, instructing the young man to drink. He took a sip of water, made a face, and spat it onto the dirt floor.

  “How was it?” the old woman asked.

  “Thanks, but no thanks,” said the young man rather glumly.

  The old woman smiled knowingly, then handed the young man the bowl of salt and led him to a nearby lake. The water was clear and cold. “Now put a handful of salt in the lake,” she said.

  The young man did as he was instructed, and the salt dissolved into the water. “Have a drink,” the old woman said.

  The young man knelt at the water’s edge and slurped from his hands.

  When he looked up, the old woman again asked, “How was it?”

  “Refreshing,” said the young man.

  “Could you taste the salt?” asked the wise woman.

  The young man smiled sheepishly. “Not at all,” he said.

  The old woman knelt next to the man, helped herself to some water, and said, “The salt is the pain of life. It is constant, but if you put it in a small glass, it tastes bitter. If you put it in a lake, you can’t taste it. Expand your senses, expand your world, and the pain will diminish. Don’t be the glass. Become the lake.”

  Taking a broader view helps us minimize our pain and appreciate what we have, and we directly access this broader view by giving. Research published in BMC Public Health points out that volunteering can result in lower feelings of depression and increased feelings of overall well-being. When I lived in New York a charity called Capes for Kids went into a school in Queens and helped the students make superhero capes for kids from tough backgrounds. The children who made the capes got to see the impact of their work and gifts, and it helped them realize how much they truly had. When we see the struggles of others in the clear light of day, when we use our talents to improve their world even a little bit, we immediately feel a surge of gratitude.

  TRY THIS: EXPERIENCE GRATITUDE THROUGH VOLUNTEER WORK

  Service broadens your perspective and alleviates negative emotions. Try volunteering—it can be once a month or once a week—but nothing will better help you develop gratitude more immediately and inspire you to show it.

  PROFOUND GRATITUDE

  Sometimes it’s hardest to express gratitude to the people who mean the most to us—the family, friends, teachers, and mentors who made or still make a real difference in our lives.

  TRY THIS: WRITE A GRATITUDE LETTER

  Select one person to whom you feel deeply grateful—someone who makes it easy to feel grateful.

  Write out a list of the broader qualities and values you appreciate in this person. Were they supportive? Were they loving? Did they have integrity? Then think of specific words and moments that you shared. Look ahead and write what you’re going to do and say when you see them again. (If they have passed, you can lead with: “If I were to see you again, this is what I would say.”)

  Now write them a gratitude letter, pulling from the notes you’ve made.

  Try to show love and appreciation in person if possible. Otherwise, giving a note, text, or phone call to specifically express what you appreciate about a person boosts that person’s happiness and your own.

  Sometimes, those you love will resist intimacy and brush you off. In this case, hold your ground. Receiving gratitude requires vulnerability and openness. We block these feelings because we’re afraid of being hurt. If you encounter resistance, you might try shifting your approach. Take a moment to consider what form of gratitude the recipient would most appreciate. In some cases, expressing your gratitude in writing is the easiest way for both of you to have time and space to process these feelings.

  When you write a gratitude letter to someone who means a lot to you, try to make them feel as cared for and loved as you felt when they helped you. A letter gives recognition to the value of their generosity with more permanence than a verbal thank-you. It deepens your bond. That recognition inspires both of you to be thoughtful and giving with each other, and this, as we have learned, ripples through your community.

  GRATITUDE AFTER FORGIVENESS

  Perhaps you’re thinking, My parents did a number on me. Why should I be grateful to them? There are imperfect people in our lives—ones toward whom we feel unresolved or mixed emotions and therefore have trouble summoning gratitude. And yet, gratitude is not black-and-white. We can be grateful for some, but not all, of a person’s behavior toward us. If your relationships are complicated, accept their complexity. Try to find forgiveness for their failures and gratitude for their efforts.

  However, I’m absolutely not suggesting that you should feel grateful if someone has done you wrong. You don’t have to be grateful for everyone in your life. Monks don’t have an official stance on trauma, but the focus is always on healing the internal before dealing with the external. In your own pace, at your own time.

  * * *

  We tend to think of gratitude as appreciation for what we have been given. Monks feel the same way. And if you ask a monk what he has been given, the answer is everything. The rich complexity of life is full of gifts and lessons that we can’t always see clearly for what they are, so why not choose to be grateful for what is, and what is possible? Embrace gratitude through daily practice, both internally—in how you look at your life and the world around you—and through action. Gratitude generates kindness, and this spirit will reverberate through our communities, bringing our highest intentions to those around us.

  * * *

  Gratitude is the mother of all qualities. As a mother gives birth, gratitude brings forth all other qualities—compassion, resilience, confidence, passion—p
ositive traits that help us find meaning and connect with others. It naturally follows that in the next chapter we will talk about relationships—who we try to be with others, who we want to welcome into our lives, and how we can sustain meaningful relationships.

  TEN RELATIONSHIPS

  People Watching

  Every person is a world to explore.

  —Thich Nhat Hanh

  Monks are often imagined to be hermits, living in isolation, detached from humanity, and yet my experience as a monk has forever changed how I deal with other people. When I returned to London after deciding to leave the ashram, I found that I was much better at all kinds of relationships than I’d been before I took my vows. This improvement was even true for romance, which was a bit surprising given that monks are celibate and I’d had no romantic connections with women during my time in the ashram.

  SETTING EXPECTATIONS

  The village of the ashram fosters camaraderie, being there for each other, serving each other. Dan Buettner, the cofounder of Blue Zones—an organization that studies regions of the world where people live the longest and healthiest lives—saw the worldwide need for this kind of community. In addition to diet and lifestyle practices, Buettner found that longevity was tied to several aspects of community: close relationships with family (they’ll take care of you when you need help), and a tribe with shared beliefs and healthy social behaviors. Essentially, it takes a village.

  Like these blue zones, the ashram is an interdependent community, one that fosters a mood of collaboration and service to one another. Everyone is encouraged to look out not just for their own needs, but for those of other people. Remember the trees in Biosphere 2 that lacked roots deep enough to withstand wind? Redwood trees are another story. Famously tall, you’d think that they need deep roots to survive, but in fact their roots are shallow. What gives the trees resilience is that these roots spread widely. Redwoods best thrive in groves, interweaving their roots so the strong and weak together withstand the forces of nature.

  THE CIRCLE OF LOVE

  In a community where everyone looked out for each other, I initially expected my care and support for other monks to be returned directly by them, but the reality turned out to be more complex.

  During my first year at the ashram, I become upset, and I approach one of my teachers for advice. “I’m upset,” I say. “I feel like I’m giving out a lot of love, but I don’t feel like it’s being returned in kind. I’m loving, caring, and looking out for others, but they don’t do the same for me. I don’t get it.”

  The monk asks, “Why are you giving out love?”

  I say, “Because it’s who I am.”

  The monk says, “So then why expect it back? But also, listen carefully. Whenever you give out any energy—love, hate, anger, kindness—you will always get it back. One way or another. Love is like a circle. Whatever love you give out, it always comes back to you. The problem lies with your expectations. You assume the love you receive will come from the person you gave it to. But it doesn’t always come from that person. Similarly, there are people who love you who you don’t give the same love in return.”

  He was right. Too often we love people who don’t love us, but we fail to return the love of others who do.

  I thought of my mother, who would always drop whatever she was doing to take my call. If she were to pick up the phone, the first person she’d reach out to would be me or my sister. In her heart she wanted to talk to me pretty much all the time. At the same time as I might be frustrated because someone wasn’t responding to my texts, my mother was sitting there thinking, I wish my son would call me!

  My teacher’s description of the circle of love changed my life. Our lack of gratitude is what makes us feel unloved. When we think nobody cares, we need to check ourselves and realize that the love we give out comes back to us from a variety of sources, and, in a more general sense, whatever we put out will come back to us. This is an example of karma, the idea that your actions, good or bad, bring the same back to you. When we feel unloved, we need to ask ourselves: Am I offering help as often as I ask for help? Who is giving to me without receiving anything in return?

  A NETWORK OF COMPASSION

  It makes sense that monks look at the distribution of love and care as a network of compassion rather than a one-to-one exchange. Monks believe different people serve different purposes, with each role contributing to our growth in its own way. We have peers for friendship, students to teach, and mentors to learn from and serve. These roles are not wholly tied to age and experience. Every monk is always in every phase of that cycle. Monks believe that these roles aren’t fixed. The person who is your teacher one day might be your student the next. Sometimes the senior monks would come to classes with young monks like us, sitting on the floor and listening to a new monk speak. They weren’t there to check on us—they were there to learn for themselves.

  TRY THIS: LEAD AND FOLLOW

  Make a list of your students and teachers. Now write down what the students could teach you and what the teachers might learn from you.

  THE FOUR TYPES OF TRUST

  In the ashram, I was upset because I felt my care wasn’t reciprocated. We often expect too much of others when we don’t have a clear sense of their purpose in our lives. Let’s consider four characteristics that we look for in the people we allow into our lives. You’ll recognize these people—most of us know at least one person who falls into each of these categories.

  Competence. Someone has to be competent if we are to trust their opinions and recommendations. This person has the right skills to solve your issue. They are an expert or authority in their area. They have experience, references, and/or a high Yelp rating.

  Care. We need to know a person cares if we are putting our emotions in their hands. Real care means they are thinking about what is best for you, not what is best for them. They care about your well-being, not your success. They have your best interests at heart. They believe in you. They would go beyond the call of duty to support you: helping you move, accompanying you to an important doctor’s appointment, or helping you plan a birthday party or wedding.

  Character. Some people have a strong moral compass and uncompromising values. We look to these people to help us see clearly when we aren’t sure what we want or believe is right. Character is especially critical when we are in an interdependent partnership (a relationship, a business partnership, a team). These people practice what they preach. They have good reputations, strong opinions, and down-to-earth advice. They are trustworthy.

  Consistency. People who are consistent may not be the top experts, have the highest character, or care most deeply for you, but they are reliable, present, and available when you need them. They’ve been with you through highs and lows.

  * * *

  Nobody carries a sign announcing what they have to offer us. Observe people’s intentions and actions. Are they in alignment? Are they demonstrating what they say they value? Do their values correspond with yours? We learn more from behaviors than promises. Use the four types of trust to understand why you are attracted to a person and whether you are likely to connect as a friend, a colleague, or a romantic partner. Ask yourself, What is my genuine intention for getting involved in this relationship?

  The four types of trust may seem like basic qualities that we instinctively look for and require, but notice that it’s hard to think of someone who cares about you, is competent in every area, has the highest character, and is never too busy for you. Two of the most important people in my life are Swami (my monk teacher) and my mother. Swami is my go-to spiritual person. I have the utmost trust in his character. But when I told him I wanted to leave Accenture and go into media, he said, “I have no idea what you should do.” He is one of my most valued advisors, but it was silly to expect him to have an opinion about my career, and he was wise enough not to pretend to have one. My mom would also not be the best person to ask about career moves. Like many mothers, she is most concerned with
my well-being: how I’m feeling, whether I’m eating well, if I’m getting enough sleep. She is there with care and consistency, but she’s not going to counsel me on managing my company. I needn’t be angry at my mother for not caring about every aspect of my life. Instead I should save myself the time, energy, attention, and pain, and simply appreciate what she’s offering.

  We tend to expect every person to be a complete package, giving us everything we need. This is setting the bar impossibly high. It’s as hard to find that person as it is to be that person. The four types of trust will help us keep in mind what we can and can’t expect from them. Even your partner can’t provide care, character, competence, and consistency in all ways at all times. Care and character, yes, but nobody is competent in all things, and though your partner should be reliable, nobody is consistently available in the way you need them. We expect our life partner to be our everything, to “complete us” (thanks, Jerry Maguire), but even within that deep and lifelong union, only you can be your everything.

  Being at the ashram with people who weren’t family or otherwise connected to us gave us a realistic perspective. There, it was clear that nobody could or should play every role. Interestingly, a Psychology Today article describes a field study of military leadership in Iraq done by Colonel J. Patrick Sweeney, a psychologist. Sweeney similarly found “3 Cs” of trust: competence, caring, and character. The difference is that he observed that all three qualities were necessary for soldiers to trust their leaders. Military and monk life both adhere to routine and principles, but monks aren’t following their leaders and laying their lives on the line. To think like a monk about relationships, instead of looking for all four Cs, set realistic expectations based on what a person actually gives you, not what you want them to give you. When they don’t have all four Cs, realize that you can still benefit from having them in your life.