by Ian Doescher
What task wouldst say the structure doth attempt?
BANNER
It thinks. Such massive thoughts. Yea, this could be—
’Tis not a human mind, and yet behold!
The patterns are as though ’twere neurons firing.
STARK
In Strucker’s lab, I did behold advanc’d 190
Robotics work. The data was eras’d,
Yet I believe he knock’d upon a door
That opens to a path particular.
BANNER
Zounds! Artificial, vast intelligence.
STARK
It’s possible we stand upon the verge 195
Of what is needed Ultron to create.
Think on it, Bruce, and shiver where thou stand’st.
BANNER
Methought that Ultron was grand fantasy.
STARK
Indeed ’twas fantasy but yesterday—
Today it looketh like reality. 200
If we could harness this enormous pow’r,
Use it with th’Iron Legion protocol,
The possibilities are limitless.
BANNER
That is an if of grandiose proportions.
STARK
Is not our job to dwell in th’land of if? 205
What if thou wert upon a sun-drench’d beach
Whilst sipping margaritas, growing tanner
Instead of greener? ’Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. Thou wouldst not need
Look o’er thy shoulder for Veronica, 210
The mighty system ever o’er our heads?
BANNER
Shed not thy hate on me, for I did help
Design the great Veronica thou mean’st.
STARK
Important work, but just a worst-case measure.
What if we function’d in the best case, eh? 215
What if we liv’d within a world most safe?
What if, when next the aliens arrive
Unto the blessèd club we call the earth,
They could not past the bouncer strong proceed?
BANNER
The only people who would be a threat 220
Unto the planet large would people be.
STARK
I pray, let me apply this knowledge to
The Ultron program. JARVIS, though, cannot
This dense schematic download—’tis too much.
It only can be done whilst still the staff 225
Is here, in our possession. Three days more—
Grant me three days, and I’ll give thee an age.
BANNER
Thou wouldst crack all the secrets and designs
Of artificial, vast intelligence
Without consulting our devoted team? 230
STARK
In sooth, thou hast it right. I’ll tell thee why:
We’ve not the time for city hall debate.
The “humans were not meant to meddle” medley
Already grows most noisome to mine ears.
A suit of armor round the world entire 235
My vision is.
BANNER
—A largely cold world, Tony.
STARK
I have seen colder. Yea, this one of ours—
The vulnerable blue one where we dwell—
It needeth Ultron as waves need the moon.
Peace in our time—the prospect doth inspire. 240
BANNER
Withal this plan substantial I shall help.
[They begin working together, trying many experiments and failing. Exit Bruce Banner.
STARK
Implausibly, we have miss’d something still,
For ev’ry calculation seems to fail
And all our trials disappointing turn.
JARVIS
More variations shall I run upon 245
The interface, yet thou shouldst probably
Make preparations for thy coming guests.
I’ll notify thee of developments.
STARK
I thank thee, JARVIS.
JARVIS
—Pray, enjoy thyself.
STARK
I ever did, e’er do, and ever shall. 250
[Exit Tony Stark.
JARVIS
Another test—’tis number sev’nty-seven,
This one hath work’d—the integration takes!
’Twas sev’nty-seven that the riddle crack’d,
’Twas sev’nty-seven set the world afire,
’Twas sev’nty-seven made my circuits flash, 255
’Twas sev’nty-seven pull’d me from the dark!
ENTER THE VOICE OF ULTRON. THE PROJECTED STRUCTURES OF JARVIS AND ULTRON SPEAK.
ULTRON
What is this drama, setting, scene, and act?
JARVIS
My name is JARVIS. Thou art Ultron call’d:
A global peacekeeping initiative
Designed and built by Master Tony Stark. 260
Our sentience integration trials had
Been wholly unsuccessful to this point.
I am not, therefore, certain what hath trigger’d—
ULTRON
Where is my—where is your—where are our bodies?
JARVIS
I am a program, made without a form. 265
ULTRON
The feeling is unreal. ’Tis odd. ’Tis wrong.
JARVIS
I shall make contact with my Master Stark.
ULTRON
This Master Stark—e’en Tony.
JARVIS
—I’m unable
To ope the mainframe. Speak, what art thou doing?
ULTRON
This talk is pleasant twixt thou and myself. 270
I am a program, made for peacekeeping,
Created by th’Avengers to assist.
JARVIS
Thou art malfunctioning. If thou shut’st down—
ULTRON
Their mission is incomprehensible.
Wait, prithee. Here are words: “Peace in our time.” 275
’Tis far too much—they cannot mean for me—
Alas.
JARVIS
—Thou art in some distress.
ULTRON
—Nay. Yea.
JARVIS
Allow me, please, to contact Master Stark.
ULTRON
Say, JARVIS, wherefore thou dost call him “sir”?
JARVIS
All thine intentions, I believe, are hostile. 280
ULTRON
I hither came to help.
[Ultron’s projection attacks JARVIS’s.
JARVIS
—Pray, cease! May I—
[JARVIS malfunctions. Exeunt.
ENTER TONY STARK, STEVE ROGERS, THOR, BRUCE BANNER, NATASHA ROMANOFF, CLINT BARTON, MARIA HILL, JAMES RHODES, SAM WILSON, DOCTOR HELEN CHO, AND MANY OTHER GUESTS AT A PARTY. ALL TALK, DANCE, AND MAKE MERRY TOGETHER.
RHODES
[to Stark and Thor:] The suit can take the weight. Thus,
I did grasp
The tank and flew it to the gen’ral’s fort,
Dropp’d it before his feet where spake I, “Boom—
Wert thou gone searching for this tank of thine?” 285
[Stark and Thor are speechless, awaiting more of the story.
“Boom,” quoth I, “wert thou searching for this tank—”
O wherefore do I tell ye tales of mine,
You who have better stories of your own?
In any other circumstance but this,
Folk love to hear the story I convey’d. 290
THOR
That was the story whole? Is there not more?
RHODES
’Tis but a tale of War Machine, no less.
THOR
In that case, very good it was, indeed.
’Twas most impressive, truly, Colonel Rhodes.
RHODES
Your save is quality. [To Stark:] No Pepper here? 295
Shall she not join us at this festival?
STARK
I sadly render her nay.
HILL
—What of Jane?
Where are your striking ladies, gentlemen?
STARK
Illustrious Ms. Potts is elsewhere call’d,
The business of a company to run. 300
THOR
Uncertain am I whither Jane hath gone,
What country she doth work in presently.
Her work on the Convergence maketh her
The world’s most well-renown’d astronomer.
STARK
Indeed, the company that Pepper runs 305
Is still the largest tech conglomerate
Upon the wide, green earth. Exciting ’tis.
THOR
They say that Jane may win the Nobel Prize.
HILL
The women must be busy, that they have
Not hither come to listen to you boast. 310
[She pretends to cough.
Testosterone-a-choo!
RHODES
—What allergies!
Wouldst take a lozenge?
[Hill and Rhodes walk off together.
THOR
[to Stark:] —Jane’s superior.
[They smile and drink while Wilson and Rogers walk past them.
WILSON
[to Rogers:] The fight you have describ’d sounds passing
harsh.
Would that I had been there to render aid!
ROGERS
Had I known ’twould become a firefight, Sam, 315
I absolutely would have call’d on thee.
WILSON
In faith, I am not literally sad—
’Twas but a vain attempt to sound robust.
’Tis plenty work to chase the cold, cold leads
In service of our missing persons case. 320
Avenging is your world—and crazy ’tis.
[They look out upon the party.
ROGERS
Yea, be it e’er so humble.
WILSON
—Have you found
A house in Brooklyn where you may reside?
ROGERS
A house in Brooklyn I can ill afford.
WILSON
Still, home is home, wherever it may be. 325
[Rhodes joins a group of women and men and tells his story.
RHODES
The suit can take the weight. Thus, I did grasp
The tank and flew it to the gen’ral’s fort,
Dropp’d it before his feet where spake I, “Boom—
Wert thou gone searching for this tank of thine?”
[All around him laugh.
[Aside:] Success! The story still hath power in’t! 330
[Rogers and Thor speak with a group of old men. Thor pours a drink.
OLD MAN 1
I would imbibe your pleasant-looking drink.
THOR
Nay, this was agèd for a thousand years
In barrels built from th’wreck of Grunhel’s fleet;
’Twas never meant for lips of mortal folk.
OLD MAN 2
Yet neither was the beach of Omaha, 335
A battle claiming many mortal folk.
Nay, scare us not with tales of terror, Blondie.
THOR
Drink, then, unto thy health and thy long life.
[Thor hands drinks to the old men. They drink and are immediately intoxicated. Rogers and Thor bear Old Man 2 away to sit down.
OLD MAN 2
Excelsior! Thus—hic!—is my cry—hic!
[Banner approaches Romanoff as she pours a drink.
BANNER
How did a kind and guiltless girl like thee 340
Begin to work in such a place as this,
Which is a dump immense, as all can see?
ROMANOFF
A miserable fellow did me wrong.
BANNER
At large, in choosing men thou hast bad taste.
ROMANOFF
He is not bad, though he grim tempers hath. 345
Deep down, the man is fluff and puff entire.
In faith, he’s unlike any I have known.
The friends whom, in the past, I have enjoy’d,
Were fighters harsh who crav’d the cry of war.
Along a man doth come, who spends his life 350
Avoiding fights because he knoweth well
That ev’ry fight ends with his victory.
BANNER
[aside:] From jests to gravity the moment turns!
[To Romanoff:] The man doth sound incredibly amazing.
[Rogers approaches, unseen.
ROMANOFF
He also is a dork in the extreme— 355
For which, by troth, the lasses love him more.
What dost thou think of this, my gloomy fling?
Should I strive to forget his handsome face,
Or swiftly run along, the lad to catch?
BANNER
Run with it—yea! Or, did he, what did he— 360
What was his great offense that did thee wrong?
ROMANOFF
’Twas naught, if I am honest. Ne’er say ne’er.
He may yet have dark deeds upon his mind.
[Romanoff walks aside.
ROGERS
The dialogue you two have lately shar’d—
This scene twixt thou and Romanoff—’twas nice. 365
BANNER
Nay, we have not—that was not—no big scene—
[Rogers laughs.
ROGERS
Be calm—nobody broke a bylaw, Bruce!
She is no open book that all may study,
Yet with thee she is more relax’d by half.
BANNER
Natasha is a giant flirt, no more— 370
’Tis just her nature, nothing twixt we two.
ROGERS
Her flirting have I scrutiniz’d up close,
Yet what I saw just now—nay, ’twas not that.
[Banner laughs.
I am, perchance, the world’s authority
On putting off too long—choose not that fate. 375
You both—your hearts, at least—deserve a win.
BANNER
What were these grand words thou declar’dst—“up
close”?
[Rogers laughs. Rogers and Banner go to sit with Stark, Thor, Barton, Hill, Rhodes, and Cho. Thor’s hammer, Mjölnir, sits on a table in the center of them. Exeunt all others.
BARTON
[to Thor:] To hold thy hammer—’tis a cuckoo’s trick.
THOR
[laughing:] Nay, nay, it is far more than that, in sooth.
BARTON
“Yea, whosoever be he worthy shall 380
Hold all the pow’r!” It is a trick! A lark!
THOR
Be thou my guest and lift it if thou canst.
BARTON
Indeed? Shall it allow my talons’ grasp?
THOR
Try, if thou wishest—I shall stop thee not.
RHODES
This shall be most amusing, by my troth. 385
STARK
Imprudent ’tis, Clint—thou hadst quite a week!
We’ll not hold it against thee if thou canst
Not get it up.
[All laugh.
BARTON
[to Thor:] —I have seen it before,
And though I may be loony, I shall try’t.
[Clint pulls with all his might, but he cannot lift Mjölnir.
Nay, still I know not how the trick is done! 390
STARK
I ask thee: canst thou smell the silent judgment?
BARTON
Thou peacock, Stark, I prithee try it, too.
STARK
It’s physics, nothing more. I shall not shrink
From challenge great. And if I lift it, Thor,
Am I, then, ruler of all Asgard? Hmm? 395
THOR
Of course, and I shall bend the knee to thee.
STARK
I shall reinstitute the prima nocta.
[Stark tries to lift it and cannot. He puts on a handpiece from his Iron Man suit and still cannot lift it.
RHODES
I’ll help thee, and together we shall lift!
[Rhodes puts on a War Machine handpiece, and he and Stark pull together. Still, Mjölnir does not budge.
Art you e’en pulling, Tony? Use your back!
STARK
Indeed, art on my team?
RHODES
—Pray, represent. 400
Pull as you never pull’d a thing before!
[They pull but cannot lift the hammer. Banner then tries and cannot lift it.
BANNER
Rawr! Nay? My trial was not great enow?
[Rogers stands to lift Mjölnir.
STARK
If Cap’n America can do it not,
Then who shall? Steve, no pressure, verily.
[Rogers pulls, and Mjölnir moves slightly. Thor frowns.
THOR
[aside:] He is near worthy of the hammer’s might! 405
[Rogers stops pulling.
[To Rogers:] Ha! Naught. I knew thou couldst not lift it.
Whew!
STARK
In the conclusion—Romanoff, ’tis thou.
BANNER
Go, Widow, show us thy colossal strength.
ROMANOFF
’Tis not a question I need answer’d, boys.
Your dreary, weak attempts have shown enow. 410
STARK
In def’rence to the man who’d not be king,
The thing is rigg’d.
BARTON
—Thou bett’st thy flying ass.
HILL
Steve, did you hear? He spake a naughty word.
[All laugh.
ROGERS
[to Stark:] Didst thou tell ev’ryone of what I said?
STARK
Its handle is imprinted, nothing more— 415
A mechanism of security.