by Ian Doescher
ROCKET
[to Lang:] Thou humie—where is the one I seek,
big green?
LANG
The kitchen, if mine understanding’s right.
The ship is wondrous, large and striking both.
NEBULA
[in radio:] Be careful, Rhodey, on thy swift reentry, 95
For there’s an idiot in th’landing zone.
ENTER JAMES RHODES IN HIS WAR MACHINE SUIT, DESCENDING SUDDENLY FROM THE AIR.
LANG
By heaven, most astonishing and startling!
RHODES
How art thou, reg’lar-sizèd man?
[Banner joins them.
BANNER
[to Lang:] —I see
Thy lunch hath been gigantic’ly disturb’d—
Share thou my tacos. ’Tis just recompense 100
For thinking I could do more than I could,
Transforming thee once more to infanthood.
[Exeunt Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Scott Lang, James Rhodes, and Nebula inside the base. Exeunt Banner and Rocket in the ship.
SCENE 5
Norway.
ENTER ROCKET AND BRUCE BANNER.
BANNER
Arrive we in New Asgard, refuge to
The few Asgardians who did survive
The vast and horrid sack of their proud race.
ROCKET
A step remov’d, verily, from palaces of gold and
hammers forg’d from magic and whatnot. 5
BANNER
Yet have thou some compassion, little friend,
For first they Asgard lost, then half their people.
Two tragedies colossal have they borne,
Belike they happy are to have a home.
ENTER VALKYRIE.
VALKYRIE
Ye two should not have come; he’ll want you not. 10
BANNER
O Valkyrie, well met! How is the woman
Known for her anger large?
VALKYRIE
—Methinks I lik’d
You more in either of your other forms.
BANNER
Let me my great friend Rocket introduce.
ROCKET
Well met, milady. 15
VALKYRIE
[to Hulk:] He shall not see you.
BANNER
—Is his pain that vast?
VALKYRIE
We only see his visage once per month,
When he arriveth to procure supplies—
Beer, stout, and ale the three most common needs.
BANNER
Indeed, his pain’s that vast.
VALKYRIE
—’Tis so, I fear. 20
Yet, if ye will, his house is on the hill.
[Exit Valkyrie. Banner and Rocket climb the hill to Thor’s cabin. Rocket knocks on the door.
ROCKET
No porter gives an answer. Let’s inside.
[They open the door and walk in.
Fie on it! What smells are here, like something died!
Ho, Thor!
ENTER THOR, DISHEVELED AND OVERWEIGHT. ENTER HIS TWO FRIENDS, MIEK AND KORG, SEATED ON A COUCH PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.
THOR
Are ye about the cable network come? 25
Our Cinemax hath fail’d a fortnight hence,
And sports, as well, are fuzzy and unclear.
ROCKET
Thor? Can it be?
[Thor looks at Hulk and Rocket, seeing them for the first time.
THOR
Boys, welcome! Seeing you is like a balm!
[He embraces Hulk.
Come hither, cuddly rascal, I’d hug thee! 30
ROCKET
Nay, I am well. I prithee, set thy hugs aside. ’Tis most
unnecessary thy bro-like affection.
THOR
Hulk, thou dost know my friends, yea? Miek and Korg.
KORG
Most welcome, lads!
MIEK
—Blvk!
BANNER
—Grand to see ye two.
KORG
The beer is in the bucket to be drunk, 35
And Wi-Fi ye may freely utilize—
No password, obviously, we’re not rogues.
O Thor, behold the screen! He hath return’d,
The naughty scamp who calls me codpiece-pate.
THOR
Noobmaster, of the gaming rubbish heaps. 40
KORG
Yea, he—Noobmaster sixty-nine hath call’d
Me codpiece-pate and threatens me again.
[Thor takes Korg’s headset.
THOR
[in headset:] Noobmaster, it is I, the mighty Thor—
E’en he, the God of Thunder powerful.
If thou shalt not log off this game anon, 45
I shall fly thither to thy house, descend
Unto the dungeon thou a basement call’st,
Wherein thou hidest like a craven imp,
Pull off thine arms, and stuff them in thine arse!
Yea, go thou now and whimper to thy dad— 50
Thou nothing art except a weasel vile!
[Thor hands the headset back to Korg.
KORG
My thanks, kind Thor.
THOR
—Korg, should the rascal irk
Thee yet again, I prithee tell me so.
KORG
Indeed I shall. You have my gratitude.
THOR
[to Hulk and Rocket:] Would ye some drinks imbibe?
What shall we have? 55
Here’s beer, tequila, whatsoe’er ye want.
[He opens a beer and begins drinking.
BANNER
My great and worthy friend: art truly well?
THOR
Ne’er better, verily. Why dost thou ask?
Is mine appearance anything but fine?
ROCKET
Thou lookest like a cone of melted ice cream that 60
someone dropp’d upon the steamy ground.
THOR
Ha! Wherefore have ye come? A social call?
BANNER
We need thy help and pow’rs gigantic, Thor.
There’s yet a chance we may fix ev’rything—
’Tis possible what’s done may be undone. 65
THOR
Thou meanest we may fix the cable, yea?
I’ve suffer’d it for weeks now, sans surcease.
BANNER
I mean the mammoth evil Thanos wrought.
[Thor’s mood sobers at once. He grabs Hulk by the shoulder.
THOR
Speak not that name if thou art still my friend.
KORG
We do not speak that name within this house. 70
BANNER
I prithee, take thy hand from off my shoulder.
I know that—giant man—may make thee scar’d.
THOR
Nay, wherefore would I be afeard of him?
I am the one who slay’d him. Dost recall?
Did anyone besides me lay him low? 75
Methought not. Korg, declare to ev’ryone
Who was it chopp’d off mighty Thanos’ head.
KORG
Stormbreaker.
THOR
—Who did wield Stormbreaker then?
BANNER
I understand. Thou fac’st a big, hard place—
A place where I have dwelt, of dark and fear. 80
Wouldst thou know who did help me scape therefrom?
THOR
Was i
t Natasha, once thy paramour?
BANNER
’Twas thee. Thou help’d me massively.
THOR
—Why not
Ask the Asgardians who dwell below
How much my help is worth, or ever was? 85
At least, ask those few souls who still remain.
Banner
’Tis possible we yet may bring them back.
Such is my great hope.
THOR
—Stop thy jabbering.
’Tis clear thou dost believe I wallow here
Mir’d in self-pity, waiting to be sav’d. 90
Yet I am well—me and my friends, we thrive.
KORG
All’s perfect, mate!
MIEK
—Blvk!
THOR
—Thus, whatever ye
Do proffer is a something we want not.
We do not care—in fact, could not care less.
Farewell, let not the door strike ye upon 95
The arse as ye depart. Ha! Such a jest.
BANNER
We need thee, friend. Our need was never greater.
ROCKET
Yea, and thou shalt find beer aplenty upon the ship.
THOR
What kind of beer? For now thou speakest sense.
If I go forth, drink is my recompense. 100
[Exeunt.
SCENE 6
Tokyo.
ENTER CLINT BARTON.
BARTON
Spurr’d by the death of my whole family,
I’m fully Ronin—no Clint Barton more.
To prowl the dirty places of the world
And bring foul folk to justice is my wont,
Outside the law, beyond it, far above— 5
My righteousness doth soar past any measure,
Though ’tis but born of furious revenge.
Tonight, I search’d for Akihiko vile,
Who deals in drugs and women brutally.
Before I kill’d him, he ask’d me wherefore 10
I sought him, when he ne’er did aught to me.
The point he miss’d completely: he should not
Ask me why I kill him, but why he liv’d—
When innocents like my whole fam’ly died,
Why should a villain like himself survive? 15
It is not fair, these twists of random fate,
When fully half the planet perishes
Yet evil lawbreakers abide with ease.
I am their Thanos, cutting them by half
And bringing justice to the slaughter’d masses. 20
When Akihiko died, ’twas as all do:
Surpris’d and desp’rate, begging for mine aid,
And off’ring me the world for mercy’s sake.
What I desire, however, they can’t give,
And therefore neither succor nor forbearance 25
Do I grant them. Instead, I slay them all,
And with each kill my bloodlust groweth more.
ENTER NATASHA ROMANOFF.
Thou shouldst not be here.
ROMANOFF
—Neither, Clint, shouldst thou.
Thou play’st the vigilante neath the dusk.
BARTON
I have a task that shall not from me fly. 30
ROMANOFF
A task? Is that what thou call’st these dark deeds?
To kill these folk shall not revive thy fam’ly.
We’ve found a possible solution, Clint—
A chance, perhaps.
BARTON
—Nay, give me none of hope,
Which is the thing with feathers.
ROMANOFF
—Sorry am I 35
That sooner I did not bring hope to thee,
Who art by gloom and devastation touch’d.
[She takes his hand.
Let us return, with better natures strive,
To see humanity once more alive.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 1
In New York, at the Avengers’ base.
ENTER TONY STARK AND THOR. ENTER ROCKET ASIDE, WORKING ON THE TIME PORTAL.
STARK
If thou shalt walk in front of me, take care—
Thou driftest to the port side drunkenly.
Choose thou one side to walk upon, Lebowski.
[To Rocket:] Ho, Ratchet, how dost fare in thine endeavors?
ROCKET
The name is Rocket. Pray, watch thy words, for thou art 5
only a genius upon earth.
ENTER BRUCE BANNER, SCOTT LANG, JAMES RHODES, AND NEBULA ASIDE, PREPARING LANG FOR A TEST.
RHODES
A suit design’d for traveling through time—
It looketh well on you.
[Banner begins to put vials of Pym particles inside Lang’s suit.
LANG
—Be careful, Hulk,
For thy miscalculations are my doom.
BANNER
In troth, mine actions are extremely careful. 10
LANG
These are Pym particles, and ever since
Hank Pym was blasted out of all existence,
’Tis all, the termination of our stock,
For we’ve none more and shall not extra make.
RHODES
Be calm, Scott, please.
LANG
—Apologies, my friends. 15
We have enow for just one round trip each.
There shall be no do-overs if we fail.
Two test runs and our mission, that is all.
[Lang puts a vial in his suit, then suddenly disappears and reappears.
One test run now. [Aside:] Physician, heal thyself!
[Aloud:] ’Tis certain, I am not prepar’d for this. 20
ENTER CLINT BARTON.
BARTON
I stand prepar’d to fly—I’ll gladly do’t.
[Lang disrobes and Barton puts on the suit.
BANNER
Clint, thou shalt soon feel discombobulated.
’Tis from the massive chronoshift, no more,
And not a cause for worry.
RHODES
—Wait, I pray,
A question: if we may succeed in this 25
Time travel, wherefore would we not go back
To when the evil Thanos was a babe,
And do to him—
[Rhodes mimes garroting a baby.
BANNER
—First, that is terrible!
What an enormous wrong.
RHODES
—’Tis Thanos, though.
BANNER
And secondly, time’s vast rules are not so— 30
To change the past doth not the future change.
LANG
Should we but venture back and get the Stones
Ere Thanos can acquire them, the result
Is that he hath them not. Our problem is
Obliterated utterly thereby. 35
BARTON
Lang’s thought hath wings.
NEBULA
—Nay, ’tis not how it
worketh.
BARTON
A birdie whisper’d something else to me.
BANNER
Who told thee such a giant lie as this?
RHODES
O, Star Trek, Terminator, Timecop, and
Time After Time.
LANG
—Forget not Quantum Leap, 40
Which obviously is the best of these.
RHODES
A Wrinkl’in Time, Somewhere in Time as well.
; LANG
Ridiculously, Hot Tub Time Machine.
RHODES
Yea, Hot Tub Time Machine, or Bill and Ted’s
Most Excellent Adventure. Any film 45
That featureth time travel says ’tis so.
LANG
Unquestionably, Die Hard says so, too.
Nay, never mind, ’tis not one.
RHODES
—This is known.
BANNER
I know not wherefore ev’ryone believes
This great misapprehension, yet ’tis wrong. 50
Imagine this: if thou didst travel back,
Into the past, that past becomes thy future,
And then thy former present doth become
Thy past, which cannot now be alter’d by
Thy newfound future. I suggest thou dost 55
Not worry o’er this sort of thing, but just
Enjoy thyself.
LANG
—Get Thee Back to the Future
Is, then, a pile of excremental fluff?
ENTER STEVE ROGERS. ALL COME TOGETHER. BARTON WALKS ATOP THE TIME PORTAL AS THE OTHERS STAND ASIDE.
BANNER
Art ready, Clint? Thy vast excursion to
The past beginneth soon: in three, two, one…60
[Exit Clint Barton via the trapdoor.
ROGERS
Now we but wait, to see if he returneth.
ENTER CLINT BARTON ABOVE, ON BALCONY.
BARTON
Where have I flown? The ride was most intense.
This barn, these new surroundings are familiar.
’Tis home, where I once liv’d with my dear fam’ly!
I shall inside, to see if they exist! 65
The baseball mitts lie here, upon the ground,
As if they play’d therewith a moment hence.
The scents of my dear children still are in’t.
LILA
[offstage:] O Cooper, where hast thou my headphones
plac’d?
BARTON
’Tis Lila’s voice therein! My little chick! 70
Sweet Lila, hearken to thy father’s voice!
LILA
My father, is it thee? What dost thou need?
[Barton’s wrist piece starts beeping.
BARTON
My time grows short and I must fly anon.
O, I would see my fam’ly first, in troth!
[Exit Clint Barton from the balcony in haste.
BANNER
His great adventure should be over soon, 75
And he’ll return to us if this succeedeth.
ENTER CLINT BARTON VIA THE TRAPDOOR, TO THE TIME PORTAL.
ROMANOFF
Clint, look at me—thy dismal trip is o’er.
BARTON
O, strange surroundings. Yea, but I am well.