Memento Monstrum

by Jochen Til

  »Certainly,« said Bubba. »I would never say no to coffee in such charming company.«

  »Perfect.« Tallulah set her eight legs in motion. »Please follow me, sir.«

  »Bubba,« he corrected her. »We’re friends now, Tallulah.«

  »Oh, yes, sorry.« Tallulah giggled. »This is all going so fast, Bubba.«

  »To suit our rapid growth,« said Bubba. »We clearly have a great deal in common.«

  The two of them made moves to climb down the tree.

  »Er … Wait a moment!« I called. »What about me? Am I to be eaten or not? If not, I’d be grateful if someone could help me out of this sticky trap.«

  A quarter of an hour later, we were sitting over freshly brewed coffee in the living area of Tallulah’s impressive quarters. I don’t think I’d ever felt like such a third wheel in my whole life. Not that I was disturbing them – it was just that as far as they were concerned, I might as well not have been there. They talked and talked, staring dreamily into each other’s eyes – six in total. Nothing around them seemed to exist any longer. They didn’t even hear the thunderous roar that suddenly rang out again, shaking the whole place.

  »What on earth is that?« I asked.

  »What do you mean?« Tallulah replied, not taking her eyes off Bubba.

  »Well, that roaring,« I said. »That was why I ended up in your web in the first place. I wanted to know what was causing it.«

  »Oh, that,« said Tallulah absently. »That’s just Kong.«

  »Kong?« I asked in surprise. »Who or what is Kong? And why so much noise?«

  »Kong is a gorilla,« explained Tallulah. »A very large gorilla. I presume he also came into contact with vampire blood. I have no idea how he got here. One day, suddenly there he was. But he only speaks Afrikaans, which makes communication rather difficult. I think he’s lonely, because there are no other gorillas here, and nobody else his size either. It’s particularly bad at night, but we have all gotten used to his moaning and groaning now, and barely hear it anymore. A little more coffee, Bubba?«

  »Please, Tallulah,« answered Bubba. »This is the best coffee I’ve ever tasted. But that’s hardly surprising when the hostess is so charming.«

  And then I was ignored again for the next few hours. And the next evening. And the one after that. And the one after that. I was more than ready to move on, but Bubba always found some reason not to. Once, the weather was too bad. The next evening, he was too exhausted to swim. Then the weather was, by contrast, too nice. Of course, I was very quick to realize the real reason. On the fourth night, I asked him, yet again, if it wasn’t finally time to leave.

  »That’s … You know … I’m sorry, but …« He kept ducking the question. »I twisted my ankle on our stroll today. And it’s my right foot, my strong swimming foot. I could try, but it really hurts, I’d rather …«

  »I know, Bubba,« I sighed, »you’d rather stay here. And not just today, but forever. With Tallulah.«

  Bubba gave me a guilty look.

  »No … But actually, yes … It’s not just that,« he said. »This is the first place I’ve truly felt at home. Not just because of Tallulah. It’s so much more. The climate, the scenery, the river, it’s as though I’ve finally come home. I’ve never felt like this anywhere else. I didn’t even know that a place could touch you like this. Or a person. This is my home here. Tallulah is my home. This is where I belong.«

  »Yes.« I nodded sadly. »I feared as much.«

  »But I don’t want to abandon you,« said Bubba. »You’re like a brother to me. I owe you so much. Without you, I’d have died over four hundred years ago, in a clay bowl, without ever having experienced anything. I can’t just leave you like this!«

  »Oh yes you can – you must,« I replied. »If you belong here, if you can only be happy here in this place, with Tallulah, then that is how things are. You’ve been melancholy long enough. I’ve always wished I could help you find happiness. Now I have, and that makes me almost as happy as you. You have to stay here, Bubba. Even if it means that I’ll probably never see you again.«

  Bubba hugged me and squeezed me tight.

  »Thank you,« he said quietly. »You’re the best brother a fish could ever have. And we will meet again. Someday. I have no doubt.«

  »Yes, we will,« I said.

  »But how will you get back now?« asked Bubba, anxiously.

  »Don’t you worry about that,« I smiled. »That’s all arranged. While you’ve been preoccupied with Tallulah over the last few nights, I’ve been making friends with Kong. He is desperate to get away from here, ideally to America, because they say that everything there is as enormous as he is. I will travel with him – we’re setting off this evening.«

  And so it was. Saying goodbye to Bubba was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I had lost my best friend, my most faithful companion, my brother. And although I was very happy for him, I didn’t stop crying until the moment I smelled the sea from my perch on Kong’s shoulder.

  »Oh no!« Beenie sobs. »That’s so sad! And all because of a silly spider! I hate those bugs! A thousand times more than ever now!«

  »No, there’s no need for that,« I say. »Spiders really are very nice if they don’t happen to want to eat you. Tallulah was, at any rate. Bubba couldn’t have wished for a better wife.«

  »Does that mean you did see them both again?« Vira asks.

  »No, sadly not.« I sigh. »But less than a year later, I got an invitation to their wedding. It’s just that I didn’t have any way of traveling there at that time. But Bubba kept writing to me over the years and sending photos. Wait a moment, there ought to be the wedding photo in here too.«

  I leaf through the album.

  »Ah, yes, here it is,« I say once I’ve found it. »And here’s a family portrait with their first 247 children. Aren’t they cute?«

  I hand the photos around.

  »Ooooh, the babies are sooo sweet!« squeals Beenie. »Some of them even have mini fins, look!«

  »I think they had over two thousand children in the end,« I say. »But the last letter was over twenty years ago now. I hope they’re all doing well.«

  »Did you write back like you should?« asks Vira. »You must always answer letters from friends.«

  »No,« I admit sadly. »Things kept coming up. But, do you know what? Tomorrow I’m going to write Bubba a very long letter. And I’ll put a few photos of you three in too.«

  »Oh yes, that’s a great idea!« Beenie exclaims. »I want to take some photos! Right now!«

  She snatches the cell phone out of Rhesus’s hands.

  »Hey!« he objects. »Are you nuts? I’m nearly up to level eight! If I don’t kill that werewolf, I’ll have to start over!«

  The two tussle over it. I step in between them and grab the phone.

  »That’s mine!« Rhesus grumbles.

  »I’ll give it right back,« I say. »They’re not going to run away, your werewolves. Let’s take some photos now.«

  I look at the phone, but the screen is black. I tap on it a bit but nothing happens.

  »Er …« I’m out of my depth. »But somebody’ll have to explain to me how these things work.«

  »Give it here,« sighs Rhesus. »I’ll do it.«

  He taps the screen three times then hands it back to me.

  »My arms aren’t long enough for a selfie,« he explains. »You’ll have to do that bit. Just press on the circle.«

  »Come on, everyone snuggle up on the sofa!« Beenie orders. »And I’ll sit on Grandpa’s shoulders!«

  We all squeeze up and I stretch out my arm as far as I can.

  »That’s great!« says Beenie. »Press it!«

  I press the circle and there’s a brief click.

  »Now let’s make funny faces!« she says.

  We all make funny faces and I click on the circle again.

  »Now one where we’re all looking angry!« she says.

  I make my meanest bad-guy face and press down again.

  »And anot
her with our tongues sticking out!«

  We all stick our tongues out as far as possible.

  »And another …« Beenie begins, but I interrupt her.

  »That’s enough, my arm’s getting quite shaky.«

  »Let me see!« Beenie demands and we all look at the pictures together.

  »They’re so funny! I want them too! You have to print them out, Grandpa!«

  »Your grandma had better do that when she gets back,« I say. »I have no idea how to work the printer.«

  »I’ll send them to Grandma right now.« Rhesus starts tapping on the phone again. »And Mom, she’ll like them too.«

  Beenie climbs down from my shoulders, grabs the photo album, and hurriedly flicks through it.

  »What are you doing now?« Vira asks. »If you race through that fast, you can’t even see the photos.«

  »I’m looking for blank pages,« Beenie explains. »We have to put our photos in too. Don’t we, Grandpa?«

  »Of course they need to go in,« I say. »There must be lots of space at the end. I haven’t stuck any photos in there for a long time.«

  As Beenie flicks through to the back, a picture falls out of the album.

  »Apparently you didn’t stick some photos in at all,« remarks Vira, picking it up off the floor. »Oh, who’s this?«

  She holds the photo out to us.

  »Oh, the poor thing!« Beenie says, horrified. »What happened to him? Did he break all his bones at once?«

  »Don’t be silly,« says Rhesus. »He didn’t break anything. That’s an Egyptian mummy. You can tell by the sarcophagus he’s lying in.«

  »A mummy?« asks Vira. »Not The Mummy? The mummy that came back to life and is supposed to be really evil?«

  I laugh. »Yes, that’s what I thought, the first time I saw it. Or rather him. That’s not a mummy at all, it’s my good friend Jack.«

  »Ha! I was right!« says Beenie. »But how did poor Jack break all his bones? Did he fall out of an airplane like you?«

  I study the photo with a chuckle. »No. Jack did often have to jump out of an airplane, but he never broke a bone doing it.«

  »Yes, but why’s his whole body bandaged then?« Vira wants to know. »There must have been a reason.«

  »There was,« I say. »And if I tell you, you’ll be at least as surprised as I was back then.«

  »Oh yay, I love surprises!« says Beenie. »Come on, Grandpa! Tell us!«

  »Very well,« I begin mysteriously. »Then I’ll tell you …«

  It was 1921, in Egypt, only a few days after Van Helsing had thrown me out of an airplane over the desert and I’d scraped through by the skin of my teeth. That incident had taken place, by the way, on a night flight from Morocco to Cairo, and had nothing to do with any skill on Van Helsing’s part – my own stupidity was entirely to blame. Van Helsing hadn’t even known that we were sitting on the same plane and neither had I. It was pure coincidence.

  The flight passed without any incident worth mentioning and I was even able to get a little sleep. At some point, however, I was woken by the man in the next seat snoring loudly. Still half asleep, I stood up and looked around for an empty seat on the other side of the plane. Farther back, I saw a man on his own in a row of two seats. He had pulled his hat down over his face and was clearly asleep, as he didn’t respond to me asking if I could sit next to him. I squeezed past him, sat down in the window seat, and quickly fell back to sleep. When I woke up and glanced to my right, I immediately wished I’d taken a rather closer look at my neighbor earlier on. He’d already whipped out his stake and was looming menacingly over me.

  »Ha-ha, now I have you at last, unholy vampire!« cried Van Helsing triumphantly. »This time there is no escape!«

  It really looked as though he would be proved right this time – my situation appeared desperate. The stake was already plunging toward me. Was this it? Had my final hour now actually struck? I closed my eyes and felt the stake strike my rib cage, directly over my heart – but the painful stab I’d been expecting did not come. Instead, I heard Van Helsing curse.

  »Oh drat it, it’s the wrong way round!«

  I opened my eyes, realizing with relief that I was not, in fact, dead, and saw Van Helsing fumbling to turn the stake around in the narrow space between the seats and managing only to catch the tip in one of the buttonholes on his coat.

  That was my chance! I somehow managed to draw up my legs and kick him away with both feet. He stumbled backward and fell to the floor in the aisle.

  Quick as a flash, I jumped up. I had to escape, hide, get away from him somehow, but as we were in a plane, my options were limited. I couldn’t even spread my wings and fly away. So I climbed over Van Helsing as he lay in the aisle, but he shot out a hand, grabbed my leg, and brought me down. We wrestled on the floor for a while until I got free. I hurried to the rear of the airplane with him in pursuit. He soon got hold of me again. This time, I punched him. He staggered backward and crashed into the plane’s escape hatch. He caught hold of the locking bar to pull himself up, and as he did so, the hatch opened. Van Helsing was immediately sucked out. He had to keep clinging to that handle with all his strength, with his legs fluttering out in the air.

  It would have been easy for me to pry his hands off the bar and get rid of him. But I found myself feeling strangely sorry for the old fool, hanging in the sky like that, so I pulled him back into the plane. Might this friendly gesture mean he’d finally stop trying to kill me all the time?

  »Why … did you … do … that?« he gasped.

  »Because I’m not as evil as you think,« I answered. »I’m not evil at all, actually. If you weren’t always trying to bump me off, maybe we could even be friends. I’m sure you must have better things to do than perpetually chase after me. I can’t be the only one who finds it inconvenient. So what do you say?«

  I held out my hand as a peace offering. He looked at me as a smile spread over his face. He reached for my hand, and then shoved me out of the plane!

  »Ha-ha!« I heard him gloat. »Enjoy your trip and give my best regards to the sun! Now die, you wretch!«

  »Oh, that mean, mean zombie!« Beenie mutters. »That’s not fair! You helped him!«

  »Unfortunately, people aren’t always grateful for helpfulness,« I say. »But you mustn’t let that stop you. I’d do the same again today.«

  »I’d have killed him,« says Rhesus. »Stone dead. Like a werewolf. One shot, done. You don’t even need a silver bullet for zombies.«

  »Yeah, sure, you’d have killed him,« teases Vira. »On your phone, maybe. In real life you run away screaming if someone turns a light on.«

  »I do not,« Rhesus grumbles. »That was only once. It was just because I was startled for a moment when Dad shined the flashlight right in my face.«

  »Only once – as if,« Vira says. »Dad’s played that trick with the flashlight so often and you fall for it every time.«

  »Do not,« Rhesus says.

  »I’m not afraid of the light,« Beenie says proudly. »Only sometimes a tiny bit if there’s lightning.«

  »Oh, you three have no idea how much I wished for lightning during those days in the desert,« I say.

  »That must have been bad,« says Vira. »How did you survive, without food?«

  »It was sheer luck,« I explain. »On the second night, a confused camel wandered my way. I never normally bite animals but I had no choice that time. Although I only drank enough of him to refuel, so I could fly on.«

  »And then you met the mummy!« says Beenie.

  »I didn’t meet him right away,« I say. »That was a day later.«

  With my very last ounce of strength, I reached Cairo toward midnight. I just wanted to sleep, preferably without inhaling any more sand, so I was on the hunt for a suitable place to hide. I roamed the streets until I found myself outside the Egyptian Museum. Knowing that I’d be able to get some peace, at least for one night, and too exhausted to look any farther, I decided to sleep there. Around the back of the building,
I found a door that was not very firmly bolted. So I broke in and found, to my relief, that the museum had a cellar full of junk including a few sarcophagi, one of which could have been tailor-made for me. But when I opened the lid, I got the shock of my life: the sarcophagus was already occupied – by a mummy! That in itself wouldn’t have been such a surprise – where else should you expect to come across one? – but this mummy was different: it was very much alive, for a start. I’d barely lifted the lid when it leapt out at me like a devil, pointing a pistol at me.

  »Hands up!« the mummy growled. To my surprise, he had an English accent. »Who are you? Russian secret service? American? French? How did you know I was here? Who else knows? Is there a mole in the Service? Who’s the traitorous swine? Come on, out with it!«

  »No, no!« I said with raised hands. »I’m just a harmless vampire on the lookout for somewhere to sleep! Please forgive the disturbance. I had no way of knowing you were in there. And so alive at that!«

  »A vampire?« he asked suspiciously. »Show me your teeth.«

  I did as I was told and my fangs glittered.

  »Very impressive,« he remarked. »But they could be fakes. Keep your hands up. I’m checking you for guns.«

  He began to pat me down, from head to toe.

  »I assure you my teeth aren’t fake,« I said. »Would you like me to give you a little bite by way of proof?«

  »You’d like that, wouldn’t you?« the mummy muttered. »But you seem to be clean.«

  »I’d be surprised after four days in the desert,« I sighed. »I’m sure I look more like a vagabond.«

  »That’s not what I meant,« said the mummy. »By ›clean‹, I meant that you’re not carrying any weapons. The fact that you don’t know the expression makes me more inclined to believe your story. All secret agents carry guns – it’s part of our uniform. So, you can’t possibly be a secret agent.«

  »You are, though,« I said.

  »Who told you that?« he demanded, waving his pistol in my face.