by J. L. Wyer
“It upsets me that you guys feel like that.”
He makes a humming noise and brings my hand up to press a kiss to the underside of my wrist.
“Ryder?”
“Yeah?”
“Meredith, Celeste, and Beth know too,” I say in a teeny, tiny voice.
He starts laughing.
“It just slipped out the other night when I was with the girls.”
“I love you, you crazy girl,” he chuckles, shaking his head.
“Ryder?” I say again.
Still laughing, he replies, “Yeah?”
“Just like I made Julien promise, you have to promise me you’ll come to me first, about anything. Anything you’re feeling or anything that worries you. Especially about what happened to me and my parents. No guilt. Ever. None of what happened to me is your fault. You need to promise me that you’ll talk to me if you ever think that. Okay?”
He kisses me. “Okay.”
Chapter 26
You Got My Message
Elizabeth
“How was your day, sweetheart?” Daniel asks me as he cuts up the grilled chicken into thin slices. He arrived back home before school let out and texted me to ask if we could have a family dinner night with just the two of us. Since I’m out of the house a lot of the time, Daniel and I have hardly seen each other the past two weeks.
As he cooks, the kitchen fills with the aromatic smells of sautéing garlic and olive oil. I finish julienning the carrots and spring onions and toss them into the preheated wok with the sweet pea pods. Daniel slides the chicken in, and I add some tamari sauce and toss. A splatter of hot oil arcs out of the pan and plops with a sizzle against the cold granite countertop.
“My day was good,” I answer. “I got an A on my English essay. I'm also supposed to decide if I want to take the AP exam for each of my AP courses, and if yes, we need to sign me up and pay the testing fees.”
“Just let me know when and I'll make sure it gets done. I guess we need to start talking about college soon as well. Do you have any idea which ones you're interested in? We can go tour some campuses if you want.”
“Julien already has a sports scholarship for soccer at CU, and Jayson and Ryder seem to want to go there too. I guess I'll check that one out first.”
Daniel reaches over and side-hugs me. “Lizzie, you can go to whichever college you want to, sweetheart. You don't have to feel pressured to go to one just because the boys are going there.”
I squeeze his waist once and let go. “I know that.”
What I don't say is that even though I can't remember Ryder, Jayson, and Julien from before, the thought of the four of us not being together physically pains me. So if they go to CU, I will do whatever is necessary to get into CU as well.
Once dinner finishes cooking, we take our steaming bowls of stir-fry and sit at the breakfast nook table.
“I do have some good news to share,” I tell him.
“Do tell.”
“I've already been accepted to the girl's track team for the spring season.”
“That's awesome news, honey.”
“And I told Ryder last night that I loved him,” I quickly add, taking a bite of food.
Daniel puts his fork down and looks at me.
I place my fork down on the table too. “I know it may seem soon or too fast, but from the first moment I saw him, I just knew. My mind may not remember him, but my heart does. He told me he’s been in love with me since we were nine years old.”
“I don't know what to say to all that. Isn't seventeen a little too young to fall in love?”
“I'll be eighteen soon enough,” I remind him.
“Lizzie. Not the point I was trying to make.”
“You make me sound like I’m twelve and kissing a boy for the first time.”
“Still not the point,” Daniel interjects. “Do I need to make you an appointment to speak with a doctor?” I give him a quizzical look. “About female matters and contraception,” he elaborates, and I choke on the water I was drinking.
I take another sip of water to cool my suddenly dry and scratchy throat. “Maybe.”
It's Daniel's turn to give me a look from across the table, but his isn't quizzical. It's more the look of a deer in headlights.
“Okay. Yes, I think that would be an appropriate thing to do now,” I reply honestly.
Daniel falls back in his chair, his face tipped up to the ceiling, and his hands raking through his short, cropped hair. “How did John do this? With two girls no less,” he talks to himself. He sighs heavily and tips his head back down to look at me again. “Please be safe and responsible.”
“I will.”
“I mean it, Lizzie. Don't make dumb decisions, and always use protection.”
“I will and I am.”
“Okay.”
My mouth drops open and I shut it with a clack. “That's it? Okay?”
“That's it for now. Now let's finish dinner.”
“There’s one more thing I need to tell you, Daniel.”
He groans but looks over at me expectantly.
“I kind of gave Ryder a key…for the house.”
He circles his fork in the air a few times then digs into his dinner. “Thank you for telling me.”
I take a big bite of stir fry, giggling. “I love you, Daniel.”
I've never said that to him before. His worried gaze disappears and is replaced with affection.
“I love you too, kiddo. Now eat up so we can play that boardgame you picked out earlier.”
“Yes, sir.”
He snorts.
We finish dinner and play an hour of Trivial Pursuit. Once Daniel retires to bed, I text Ryder.
Me: I gave you a key this morning for a reason. xxxooo
There. Hopefully he’ll get the message. I bite my lip and grin.
There was another silver origami star waiting for me this morning, this time in my locker at school. Today’s note read: “Hearts of fire, hearts aflame, my love eternal only knows your name.” I hung it from my bedroom ceiling with the others using thumb tacks. I’ve gotten fifteen so far. Some with love notes. Some with the sweetest things, like what our daughter will look like. All of them make me fall in love with Ryder even more. I’ve been waiting for him to bring them up, but he’s remained silent, like they are a special secret between the two of us.
I’m just finishing washing my face before bedtime when I hear the front door lock click and the door open. I eagerly stand in the middle of my bedroom, waiting, as the sound of the front closing and locking filters to my ears. Seconds later, Ryder appears in my bedroom doorway.
“I see you got my message.” I pull my tank top off and throw it across the room.
He closes and locks my bedroom door. “That I did,” he says, lifting his shirt off and dropping it on the floor.
We take a lengthy moment to look at each other.
“How was dinner with Daniel?” he asks.
My legs almost give out from the visual inspection he’s giving me from head to toe.
“Dinner was good.” My hands twitch with the urge to touch him.
Ryder swoops in and lifts me up. I curl my arms around his neck, so giddy with love for this boy.
“I missed you, Elizabeth.”
“I missed you too. Now shut up and kiss me,” I demand.
“Yes, ma’am.”
Chapter 27
Black Hole
Elizabeth
I have to admit, Mrs. Pender’s library scavenger hunt assignment is pretty cool. It’s a bit like Escape from Mr. Lemoncello's Library, which is another random thing that I seem to remember for some reason. During the month of October, every senior English class participates in it, not just AP English, and the first class that finishes the hunt wins. The guys mentioned earlier that they would come to the library later since Ryder had to help his dad at the garage, Jayson had swim practice — his first meet will be next month — and Julien was spending some time with Elijah. C
eleste and Beth had cheer practice at the same time as the football team had their practice. Darrel had Robotics Club. Fortunately, Meredith, Trevor, and I were able to come to the library right after school to get a head start, and with any luck, help deliver our class the win.
“What the heck is a rebus?” Trevor asks, looking at the printout of things we have to do or find in the library.
Oh, I know that one! Courtesy of Mr. Lemoncello himself. “It's like a puzzle where a bunch of pictures and letters are laid out to represent a word or phrase,” I explain.
“Got it.”
We find an empty study room so we can plan how we want to tackle this scavenger hunt. One of the smaller rooms has large floor-to-wall glass windows and a round table that sits six, so we pick that one.
“How many are coming to the drive-in this Saturday?” Meredith asks, sitting down next to me at the table.
A new superhero flick is releasing on Friday and the local drive-in is showing it. Our entire group is going to go and make a ‘thing’ of it, similar to the tailgating ‘thing’ we did before the football game. Since we're not allowed to use the charcoal grill anywhere on the drive-in property, we’ll pick up fast food along the way.
“The whole group as far as I can tell. Twelve or more people,” I answer her.
Trevor slides the rebus over to me and I start to decode it.
“Will Fallon be there?” she asks.
“How the heck would I know?”
I feel Trevor’s leg brush past mine under the table as he kicks Meredith. She kicks him right back.
Trevor winces. “Ow!”
“You started it,” she retorts, giving her brother the evil eye, then she turns her attention back to me. “And to answer your question, it’s because Fallon always seems to pop up wherever you are.”
I roll my eyes. “That doesn’t mean anything, Mer. He lives here and is friends with Ryder, so of course we’ll see him at things. This town isn’t that big.”
“Sure. Keep telling yourself that.”
Trevor scoffs. “I still think he’s an entitled dick. The guy threatened me over you.”
Color me totally shocked. “He did not.”
“Yep. First day of school, he was all over me about you. Ryder was too. Then last Friday at the Fields—”
“What?” both Meredith and I say.
“Forget it. It was nothing. The guy just rubs me the wrong way. Fallon expects everyone to heel at his boot. I refuse to.”
For some odd reason, I feel like I have to defend Fallon. “Fallon doesn’t seem to be that bad of a bad person. Yes, he’s a bit odd, and trying to have a conversation with him should be considered an Olympic sport.”
“I hear a ‘but’ coming,” Trevor interjects.
“No buts. I don’t really know him that well. My opinion isn’t that important anyway.”
“Your opinion matters to me,” he mumbles.
“Okay,” Meredith interrupts. “Let’s get as much of this assignment done as we can, shall we? No more talk of Fallon.”
“You’re such a firecracker,” I tease.
“That’s why you gave me the nickname.”
“Pain in the butt is more like it,” Trevor complains, but I can tell he’s teasing his twin sister by the curvature of his smile.
I have found the dynamic between the two sets of twins fascinating. Watching Jayson and Julien together, as well as Meredith and Trevor, is becoming one of my favorite hobbies. Jayson and Julien seem to always be in sync with one another. Meredith and Trevor seem to be more yin and yang. Hailey and I weren’t twins, but I wonder what kind of relationship we had? Were we close? Did we fight a lot? Did we share clothes and makeup?
Out of nowhere I’m slammed with memories of my sister. Memories of us running through a forest, memories of us snuggled in bed together as she reads to me, memories of bruise marks on her body.
“Elizabeth! Elizabeth!” Meredith has her hands on either side of my face, shaking me.
My fingers are clutching the edges of the study room table, my knuckles blanched, and my arms locked in a rigid position. I think Trevor might be saying something to me, but I’m not sure.
“Trevor, is she having a seizure?”
I hear a loud bang like the sound of a door slamming, and then a deep voice demanding, “Move.” Warm, calloused fingers grip the back of my neck and squeeze in a massaging motion. “Breathe, baby. I’m here.”
Voices in the background.
“Is she okay?”
“Should we call 911?”
“Back up and give her a minute.”
The memories of Hailey release me, and I inhale deeply, like I had been dropped at the bottom of the ocean and made it to the surface just in time before all my oxygen was used up. My arms relax, my grip on the table lessens, and my fingers fall away to hang loosely by my sides. I feel myself being lifted and settled back down into a warm embrace. I bury my face deep into a familiar masculine chest; one that’s rising and falling in a soothing rhythm.
“That’s it. Just breathe with me, Liz.”
Liz?
“Jayson?”
His large hand continues to knead my neck, while his other hand applies pressure to my lower back. Another memory comes. Jayson and I sitting on a branch high up in a tree. He’s holding me, my back to his chest, as tiny twinkling stars flicker all around us like fireflies.
I’m falling again into the dark chasm that exists in my mind, being pulled under. I fight it, wrapping my arms around Jayson.
“Don’t let go,” I manage to say.
“I’ve got you. Stay with me.”
“Jay, what’s going on?” Ryder’s voice booms out.
“Ryder, what should we do?” Meredith worriedly asks him.
I’m stuck in my own little pocket right now. Everyone else seems so far away. I grip Jayson tighter and listen to his softly murmured words in my ear, absorbing his strength, needing him to keep me in the present so I don’t disappear back into the past.
I hear Ryder say, “Can you guys just clear out and give us space? We’ve got her.”
I hear Trevor, then Meredith. Both of their voices are a garble of nonsense I can’t understand. I hear the sounds of shuffling, zippers being pulled, and finally, a door opening and closing. Then silence.
I feel Ryder’s presence next to me, his hands joining Jayson’s to rub circles on my back, up and down my arm, down my hair.
“Don’t tell Daniel,” I mumble out.
“Elizabeth.” That’s Ryder.
“Don’t tell Daniel,” I repeat again, my voice a little stronger.
Ryder gruffs out a sigh as Jayson says, “We won’t.”
“What happened?” I don’t think it’s me that Ryder is asking.
Jayson answers, “I don’t know. I just got here, and Meredith was yelling. Liz was white as a ghost, frozen in place. Scared the crap out of me. She was breathing weird and staring off into space.”
“Like a seizure?”
“How should I know? I’m not an expert.” Jayson moves his hand from my neck and cups the back of my head, his fingers tangling in my hair.
I don’t know how long I zone out, but I remain in Jayson’s hold as he and Ryder talk. When I finally reconnect to the present, I lift my head to see Jayson’s worried gaze on me.
“There she is.” He smiles and presses a gentle kiss to my cheek. I lean back and see Ryder silently watching us.
“Ryder.” My breath hitches and I reach over to him. He takes me from Jayson like a parent would a child.
“I’m here,” he tells me like a promise, holding me close, our faces meshed cheek to cheek.
“Liz, what happened?” Jayson implores me.
I shake my head against Ryder's cheek, not wanting to answer Jayson’s question.
“Liz,” Jayson says more persistently.
“Don’t be mad,” I say, dropping my head to Ryder’s shoulder.
“Why would we be mad?” he asks.
�
�It happens when a memory tries to resurface.”
Jayson pulls at my shoulder. “Your memories are coming back?”
I’m still half-sitting in Ryder’s lap and I can feel his entire body tense up.
Jayson continues to prod. “Liz, is this what happens every time? You blank out whenever you get a memory?”
“Yes.”
He stands up from his crouched position and starts cursing.
“Jay,” Ryder warns.
“What if she were driving, Ry? What if that were to happen when she’s behind the wheel of a car? Or if she’s walking across the street. In the shower. Out for a walk. Jesus!” Jayson yells out. “How many times, Liz?”
I refuse to answer him and bury myself deeper into Ryder’s solid body.
“How many, Liz!” Jayson’s sharp bark makes me jump.
“Jay, calm down,” Ryder warns him.
“Liz!”
I snap fully back into the here and now, going from helplessness to fighting mad in an instant. Why is it that Jayson seems to bring that out in me?
“I don’t know!” I yell back. “They’ve been happening more and more over the past few weeks. I don’t know how many. They just happen. I don’t keep count.”
“And Daniel doesn’t know?” Ryder asks, clearly worried.
“No. But I’m remembering stuff a lot now. Just fragments and snippets, but they're there.”
Jayson pulls at my arm, turning me fully his way again. “Have you remembered me?”
I feel Ryder tense up even more. He pulls away from me and I feel it as if an entire ocean has sprung up between us.
“Ryder, no,” I plead, needing to bridge the distance that just formed between us. “It won’t change anything. It won’t change how I feel about you. My memories will never change the fact that I’m in love with you,” I assure him, completely forgetting that we have an audience.
“What?” a pained voice breaks behind me.
No! NoNoNo!
“What did you just say?”
I stutter, “Jayson, I—”
“You love him?”
Jayson spears Ryder with a look so malicious, I’m actually afraid. Jayson’s fists curl inward like he’s imaging strangling Ryder with his bare hands. As he takes one lethal step forward, I slam my open palms on Jayson’s chest.