by J. L. Wyer
“Honestly? I don’t want to tell you because you’re going to get mad. But it was pretty brutal.”
“Did Ryder fight back? I saw the cut and bruise on his mouth.”
“He didn’t lift a finger. He didn’t even say a word. He just stood there and took the punch and everything else Jay threw at him.”
Oh, Jayson. You and I are definitely going to have a talk later. “Ryder didn’t tell me much, but I got the general gist of things.”
“Jay threw his past relationship with you at Ry. Told Ry that once your memory came back, you would leave him.”
I literally gasp, I’m so shocked.
Julien continues. “Before that, he landed a punch on Ry as soon as he walked through the door. E and I had to break it up.” Julien stops walking. “Elijah took Jay’s side, and I took Ryder’s. I haven’t spoken to E since last night.”
“What? Julien, no. I don’t want that. I don’t want my life to mess up yours.”
“It is what it is. I chose to stand by Ry, and E chose Jay. Couples fight all the time. We’ll get over it, eventually. I plan to make him sweat a little first.”
I give Julien a look.
“What? I can be petty when I want to be,” he says.
We’re almost back to where I parked my car. I met up with Julien at the park this morning for our run. He jogged there, whereas I drove.
“Want a lift back to your house?”
“That would be nice.”
“Just to warn you, I’m coming in to talk to Jayson.”
“Want back-up?”
I shake my head no and unlock the car. “If I need you, I’ll yell.”
Julien opens my car door for me but stops me before I get in. “Tread carefully. I know this situation is all sorts of FUBAR. Ry is hurting. Jay is hurting. I don’t agree with what Jay did or said, but I do understand where it’s coming from.”
“I get it, Julien. I really do. I know that Jayson and I will be forever tied together through our past. But right now, I need to fight for my present. Jayson swore to me that the four of us would remain a family. That he wouldn’t shut Ryder out.”
When we pull up to the Jameson house, I stare at my childhood home next to it and the oak tree that spans between the two houses. I have avoided coming here since Daniel moved us back to Fallen Brook, and I have only visited the Jameson home once. During that first visit, I refused to even look at my old house.
“I can't believe I lived there. That it's only been about six or seven months since that house was my home. Daniel says that he’s keeping up the mortgage payments on it and will transfer it into my name if I ever want him to. I told him I couldn’t make that decision without Hailey.”
I turn to face Julien. “How could I have spent seventeen years of my life in that house and not feel anything when I see it?”
Julien doesn't reply because he knows I'm asking questions I don't want answers to. There are no answers.
“Do you want to go inside and take a look around? I have a key that should still work as long as Daniel didn’t switch out the locks.”
I shake my head. “I'm not ready yet. One problem at a time. Let's go find your brother so I can yell at him.”
“Mom and Dad will have already left for work, so feel free to yell at him all you want,” Julien says with a smirk.
As soon as we enter the house, Julien kisses my cheek and heads off to take a shower. I’m all kinds of sweaty, but I don’t care. On the drive here, I worked myself into a frenzy of anger. One that’s about to get released on the shirtless guy in the kitchen who I’m now staring daggers at.
I rush over and punch Jayson hard in the chest. It feels like I just punched a wall of concrete.
Hissing while shaking out my sore hand, I say, “You hit Ryder.” I know that’s a dumb thing to accuse him of since I, myself, just punched him.
Jayson continues to eat his bowl of cereal like nothing happened. His bare chest is accentuated by the loose cotton sweatpants hanging low on hips, and his hair is wet and slicked back. He looks up at me in a manner that suggests that I didn’t just accost him in his kitchen.
“Good morning, princess.”
I grit my teeth. “You promised,” I remind him.
“I know I did. And I won’t break that promise, Liz. But you knew full well that what happened last night between me and Ry would have happened eventually. Now it’s over and done with, so there’s no need for you to worry about it anymore.”
In a weird sort of way, it makes sense. I won’t have to wait around anticipating when the two of them would come to blows. It’s a screwed-up round-about logic, but I guess I get it.
He straightens up and places his bowl in the sink. I briefly get distracted by his bare chest.
“Well, okay then,” I reply.
Jayson laughs. The sound does something to me, like a feeling from childhood trying to resurface. “Sorry to ruin your moment. You look gorgeous when you’re angry. I may have to make you mad more often.”
“You’ve done an excellent job of that ever since you knocked on my front door and scared the beegees out of me.”
Jayson smiles and I can’t help the smile that slips past my defenses.
“Stop being cute. I really am mad at you for what you said and did to Ryder.”
Jayson’s face pales. “He told you what I said?”
“He didn’t. Julien told me.”
Jayson releases an exasperated sigh. “Jules and his white hat complex.”
“Jayson, you really hurt Ryder. Why would you say that to him? He’s your best friend.”
Jayson shrugs and it ticks me off. Boys and their bullheadedness.
“You need to apologize, Jayson,” I tell him, getting irritated now.
“I’m sorry, Liz.”
“Not to me, you frustrating idiot! To Ryder,” I shout. “If you ever lay a hand on him again, I’ll call Fallon and have him knock some sense into you.”
“Fallon?” he asks incredulously.
“He and I are friends. Deal with it,” I snap back. “Promise me right now that you are going to fix things with Ryder.”
“I promise. I’ll apologize to Ry today,” he relents. Jayson walks over and tries to give me a hug, but I sidestep him.
“You do not get to pretend like everything is sunshine and roses between us,” I tell him.
I can see how much my rejection pains him, and my anger drops a couple of notches.
Those silver eyes lock onto my face. “Do you know how hard it is to watch the two of you together?”
“As hard as it was for him to watch the two of us together?” I counter. Jayson’s mouth gapes open before he clamps it shut.
I’ve heard most of the stories now. I have a pretty good idea of how things went down the night Jayson allegedly climbed through my bedroom window and kissed me for the first time.
He curses under his breath before saying, “I have been in love with you since I was six years old, Liz. I’m still in love with you. I’m not a freaking light switch. I can’t just turn my feelings on and off at a whim.”
He’s right. He’s completely right. If not for the car accident, Jayson and I would probably still be together. The entire situation has not been easy for any of us.
I step forward and cup his face in my hands. “Jayson, I’m so, very incredibly sorry. I really am. I wish I could be that girl for you. But I’m not her anymore.”
He tilts his head into my hand, rubbing his cheek against my palm before taking my wrists loosely in his hands. “In my heart, you will always by my girl. And I’m sorry too, Liz. I haven’t made things easy for you. And I really am ashamed of how I treated Ryder last night. I was angry and jealous and hurting. But that’s no excuse. I promise to apologize to him.”
“Thank you, Jayson,” I say softly.
“I hate fighting with you, Liz. It makes me feel icky,” he tells me, bringing my hands to his lips and pressing a kiss to my wrists. I slowly slide my hands out of his grasp.
>
“Can I give you hug now?” he asks, those light gray eyes beseeching me. I soften at their sincerity. I give him a small nod and he wraps his arms around me.
“I’m gross,” I protest, but I return his embrace. My hands splay flat against his bare back and that stupid, niggling sensation pricks at my heartstrings.
“I don’t care,” he says. “I’ve missed you.” The hug he gives me is brief but powerful. “Stay here. Let me go grab a shirt.”
While I wait for Jayson to return, I pour myself some coffee. It’s lukewarm, but beggars can’t be choosers.
“Here, I got this for you,” he says when he comes back.
When I see the small black jewelry box in the outstretched palm of his hand, I freeze, my coffee mug poised in front of my face. My gaze darts from the box to him. “Jayson?”
“It’s not what you think. Just open it.” He places the box on the counter in front of me. I eye it like it’s full of snakes waiting to jump out at me. “Liz, open the stinking box.”
“Okay. Fine,” I grouse, but I don’t make a move to touch it.
“Liz.”
“Okay!” I slam my mug down and grab the box. I lift the lid just a fraction. Good, no snakes. I pop it open the rest of the way. Inside is a large heart-shaped locket like the ones you put pictures in. It’s gold and has intricate filigree designs.
“Turn it over.”
I do. Inscribed on the back are all of our names: Liz, Jayson, Julien, and Ryder. Opening the locket, I see two small pictures of the four of us. One side has a picture of me and guys from when we were kids; the other side from when we were teenagers.
Some powerful emotion washes over me at that moment, and I lose it. Right there. Just sink down onto the floor and cry. Jayson sits down beside me and lifts me into his lap.
“It’s beautiful, Jayson,” I cry, tears that I can’t stop, streaming down my cheeks.
He takes the box out of my clenched hand and removes the necklace, then places it around my neck and hooks the clasp. I touch the gold heart with shaking fingers.
“You can decide later if you want to switch the pictures inside of it. But I wanted you to have something so it wouldn’t be empty.”
I close my eyes, wanting to remember the days that the two pictures inside the locket were taken. Instead, a picture of me and Jayson floats near the surface. There’s a memory there and I grab it, forcing it forward. I’m opening a silver star. The same as the ones from my dreams. The same as the ones hanging from my bedroom ceiling. The ones from Jayson. Inside one of the stars is a hand-written message: “a daughter who has your eyes and your smile.”
I don’t know what comes over me. I don’t know why I do it. But I kiss him. I kiss him right there on the kitchen floor. My mouth on his. His breath becoming mine. Jayson gasps at the contact of my lips on his and I feel that too. I feel it like a bucket of cold water. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?!
I shove away from him and scramble up from the floor. My chest is heaving so hard, I feel like I may pass out from the exertion.
“Liz, wait.”
But I don’t. I run out of the room and out of the house. I run until I get to my car. Why did I do that? What is the matter with me? I turn the ignition on and drive. I drive for half an hour, navigating unfamiliar streets, until I find myself parked in the driveway of my house.
My phone’s reminder alarm pings and I notice the time when I unlock the screen. Crap! I only have a half hour before I have to be at school.
My heart is beating a mile a minute. I take a few deep breaths. I love Ryder. I want Ryder. I’m angered by my memories that keep suddenly appearing out of the blue and sabotaging me. The secret that I told Fallon was the truth. I’m afraid of remembering. I’m terrified that what Jayson told Ryder last night might come true. I won’t allow it. I’ll fight it. I’m a fighter. I’ve proven over these past several months that I am. And I will fight for Ryder. I take out my phone and text Fallon.
Me: Another secret?
Fallon: I’m afraid of bunnies.
I fall back against my car seat and dissolve into a fit of laughter.
Me: Thanks. I needed that.
Fallon: You and my boy. Party. My house. 2nite.
Fallon: 8 pm. Be there. Ry needs to let loose and have some fun.
Me: Alright.
I wait a couple of extra minutes before I exit my car. As soon as I unlock the front door and step inside, Daniel is sitting at the breakfast nook table. He looks up from his tablet.
“Good morning, sweetheart. Have a good run?”
“Yeah. Running a little behind, so I need to take a quick shower and get to school before the first period bell. Is Ryder still here?”
“As far as I know. I think I heard the shower turn off about ten minutes ago.”
Again, I appreciate and love Daniel for how cool he is with Ryder being here. “If I don’t say it enough, Daniel, I love you.”
My proclamation must shock him because he looks over at me with wide eyes. “I love you, too, Lizzie.”
I give Daniel a quick kiss to his cheek and make my way to my bedroom. “Ryder?” I call out.
“Back here, babe.”
I find him in the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, and shaving lather covering his jaw. He swipes up his chin with a razor, then taps it and rinses it under the faucet. So freaking sexy.
The way Ryder's stuff keeps popping up in the house, it wouldn't surprise me if he’s fully moved in by the end of month. Some of his clothes are now living in my chest of drawers, and I bought him some bathroom stuff to keep here like a toothbrush and disposable razors.
“They have electric ones, you know.”
“I like it the old-fashioned way. How was your run?”
“Julien and I talked for most of it. I also confronted to Jayson.”
Ryder side-eyes me. He finishes shaving and puts the razor down. Taking a hand towel, he wipes the remaining lather off his face. “I really wish you wouldn’t have.” Turning, he rests his hip against the bathroom vanity, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
I lift my right hand. “I punched him, then threatened to sick Fallon on him.”
Ryder’s sharp bark of laughter has me smiling.
“Jayson promised to apologize to you today. I hope that you will hear him out and let him.”
I reach for his face, wanting to feel its clean-shaven smoothness and breathe in the lingering scent of his shaving foam. It doesn’t surprise me that he sees the necklace almost immediately. His fingers trace down the chain then lift the locket.
“Jay give you this?” Ryder turns it over and reads the inscription.
“Yes.”
“It’s beautiful.”
This boy. This considerate, wonderful boy.
“I love you so much, Ryder Cutton.”
I know I must appear a mess right now. My skin is itchy with dried sweat. My face is blotchy from crying — which I hope Ryder attributes to me running outside. My hair is a tangled web of blond and pink that has escaped the ponytail I had it in. But Ryder is looking at me with nothing but love in his eyes.
“I love you too, Elizabeth.” He kisses me sweetly. “And you’re going to be in so much trouble later tonight.”
“Why?”
“I found your notes.”
Chapter 34
We Can Never Be Anything but Loud
Ryder
“How did I let you rope me into coming here again?” I ask Elizabeth.
As soon as I parked my car in her driveway, she jumped in the passenger seat and declared that we were going to a party at Fallon’s house. She starts texting him on her phone. When did she and Fallon start texting each other?
When we go up the private drive that leads to the Montgomery mansion, I have to park along the side road because there are already tons of cars and people here. As soon as we get out of the car, thumping, screeching music blares out the wide-open double front doors of the house in a raucous melody
that sounds like fingernails scraping down a chalkboard. I take Elizabeth's hand and we walk up the driveway to the house.
Within less than a minute, I’m stopped by six people I know from the Fields wanting to talk about the next race. Elizabeth doesn’t seem to mind, especially when I introduce her as my girlfriend. She looks so pretty tonight in her black jeans and a red blouse that hangs off one shoulder. She left her hair down in my favorite style of soft, messy waves.
“There’s my boy!” I hear from somewhere on the front lawn. Elizabeth finds Fallon first and waves. He's hanging out with a group of people sitting on a sofa in the middle of the yard.
He walks over and grabs Elizabeth, lifting her up and spinning her around. “And here’s my kitten!”
“Put me down, Fallon!” she tells him, but she’s laughing. I’m so confused right now.
“What’s up, Ry?” he says to me.
“Not much, man.”
“Come on,” he tells us, then he yells at the group hanging around the sofa, “John! Heading in.”
John answers by lifting his plastic red cup high. Fallon always knew how to throw a party in high school. This is the first one I have come to since he graduated from Highland High. As Fallon walks with us into the house, several girls try to get his attention, but he ignores every single one of them. His attention has been on Elizabeth, who has been chatting to him the entire time. She’s smiling. I hear Fallon tell her something that sounds like burnt marshmallows, and she throws her head back laughing. My confusion at their sudden camaraderie turns into wondering what burnt marshmallows could mean.
I remember Elizabeth used to hate Fallon’s parties, so I’m worried that she’s going to feel uncomfortable here tonight. I bend down to her ear. “Babe. You good?”