The Au Pair

by Emma Rous

  Kiara glances at Danny and back to Alex. “Dad?”

  Alex is shaking his head now, backing away from us toward the front door, pulling Kiara with him. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. We need to go.”

  Kiara pulls her arm from his grip and moves back to stand with us. “Dad. The police said I have to stay here tonight. Please. Just tell me whatever it is. It’s not going to go away now.” Alex’s shoulders sag.

  In the end we all move into the sitting room, and Alex and Kiara take one sofa while Edwin, Danny, and I sit in a line opposite them. Alex refuses any refreshments. He’s grim faced, but Kiara holds his hand, and I have a strong feeling he is replaying an event in his mind as he gazes up at the ceiling behind our heads. Eventually, he looks down and focuses on the pile of books on the coffee table between us instead.

  “Your mother and I . . .” He clears his throat and starts again. “I was in love with Ruth. From when I first met her. Before she married your father, and afterward. I won’t try to justify what we did.” He shakes his head, glances up at us briefly. “We had an affair. I’m sorry.”

  I’m sitting in between my brothers, and each of my hands creeps into one of theirs.

  “She became pregnant,” Alex says. “With my child.”

  A chill slides down my spine. I hold my brothers’ hands tighter.

  Alex looks at Kiara. “When she had you—during her pregnancy with you, and after your birth—she was very unstable—mentally unstable. Dangerous. I couldn’t leave you with her—how could I? I came to see you, to meet you, on the day you were born, and Ruth wasn’t even here—she’d left you already. You were perfect, Kiara, so—so beautiful. I took you home with me. To keep you safe. I had no choice.”

  I am barely breathing. Kiara was Ruth’s daughter. Kiara was the baby in the photograph. Kiara is the person I thought I was.

  So who am I? And who is Danny?

  Kiara stares at Alex, tears sliding down her cheeks.

  “She was my mother,” she says. “You took me from her? She killed herself because of you?”

  “No,” Alex tells her. “I didn’t know she was going to do that. I had to put your safety first, Kiara. Dominic was never here. If he’d been here when I came to see you, even—maybe I wouldn’t have taken you. We could have sorted out a custody arrangement. If I’d been certain you were going to be safe. But I didn’t take you on a whim—it wasn’t like that. I’d planned it all. I hired a private midwife, to help look after you in the early days. I bought all the equipment you needed. Formula milk, clothes, nappies. I even changed my car so it would be safer for you. I wanted you so much.”

  “So much that you kidnapped her,” Edwin says. I’ve never heard his voice so cold.

  Alex draws in a deep breath. “It wasn’t kidnap. I told you, I found her alone in the house with the au pair. Both Ruth and Dominic had gone out somewhere, left her already. She was hungry. I told Laura to tell Ruth and Dominic to phone me when they got back. We’d discuss it, come to some arrangement. I did want to be the primary parent, yes, of course—but I would never have stopped her mother from seeing her.”

  “You told Laura?” Edwin asks.

  “Yes, Laura, the au pair. She’d been left here, looking after the baby, all by herself.” Alex turns back to Kiara. “You were a few hours old, and they’d already left you with the teenage help. I said to Laura, get them to ring me, we’ll talk. But they never rang. I had a little cottage here in the village then—I’d been trying to sell it, but when I found out Ruth was pregnant with you, I thought it could be a good base for us in the early days. I set up a nursery there, got everything ready. The midwife and I took you back there. But of course that evening I heard what Ruth had done.”

  Edwin lets go of my hand, and I think he’s wiping away tears, but then he lurches forward and snarls at Alex across the coffee table: “What she’d done because of you.”

  Alex gives him an agonized look. “No, no. I never wanted that.”

  Kiara hunches over, burying her face in her hands. Alex looks from her shaking shoulders to Edwin, and the battle to keep control of his emotions rages on his face.

  “I still thought Dominic would ring,” he says eventually. “Once the shock of Ruth’s death had worn off, I took you back to Leeds the next day, Kiara. I didn’t speak to anyone in the village, we just left. Dominic knew my number in Leeds. For months, every time the phone rang, I thought it was going to be him. But it never was. I thought—he must have found out you weren’t his. He must have decided he didn’t want you. So I sold the cottage in the village. I never talked to anyone about any of it. I never mentioned the name Summerbourne again.”

  My throat hurts. I take a deep breath. “What else happened? I don’t understand. If Kiara was the baby Ruth had that day, then—” I look at Danny. “Who are we?”

  Alex really scrutinizes me then. My hair, my face, my body. He barely looks at Danny. It’s odd. An expression passes across his face fleetingly, a widening of his pupils and a flaring of his nostrils. He looks away, and then he shakes his head.

  “I really am sorry if the things I did affected you,” he says, his eyes still averted. “I would help you if I could. But I honestly—I’m sorry—I have absolutely no idea who you are.”

  24

  Laura

  July 1992

  THE DAY AFTER I confirmed Alex’s suspicion that the baby was his, he delivered a letter to Summerbourne. I hid behind the kitchen door, holding my breath, as he pushed it through the letter box. Once his car had roared off down the lane, I carried the envelope up to Ruth, and she made no attempt to hide its contents.

  Dear Ruth,

  I appreciate this has not worked out the way we might have chosen, but I am delighted about the baby, and I fully intend to play an active role as his or her father. Please can we arrange to meet, to discuss how we are going to sort out visits in the early days, and a longer term shared custody plan, etc.? I am happy to meet with both you and Dominic together if you prefer. I feel confident we can come to an amicable arrangement.

  With all best wishes,

  Alex

  She stared into the distance for a long time, and then tore the paper into tiny pieces and burned them in the fireplace.

  Two more letters came that week, and he rang the house every day. After a while, neither Ruth nor I would answer the phone, and then on the Friday we had an anxious Vera arrive in a taxi unexpectedly, concerned because she had been unable to make contact. Ruth gave her lunch and sent her away again, adamant that she didn’t want visitors in the house.

  Vera squeezed my hands just before she climbed into the taxi. “Ring me. Anytime. Day or night. And look after her. Please.” I nodded.

  Alex stayed away over the weekend. Dominic came home with a trunk load of disposable nappies and a bassinet for the day nursery, as well as a home birth kit in a canvas bag. Ruth kissed him when he carried them in. He took Edwin out all day on the Saturday, and gave no indication that he was aware of Alex’s return to the village.

  “What’s the matter with her now?” he asked me while he peeled potatoes for Sunday lunch.

  “Just tired, I think.” I made a sandwich and retreated to my annex, leaving them to it.

  Michael had warned us a heat wave was coming, and sure enough, the air was already heavy and warm when we woke up on the Monday morning. Dominic had left at six o’clock for London, and by nine o’clock Ruth and I were sitting in the shade on the patio, watching Edwin play in his paddling pool on the lawn. Ruth was still in her nightshirt, and she pressed her hand to her bump and groaned.

  “I was quite enjoying being able to drink tea again, but I think the caffeine’s woken it up,” she said. “Ouch.”

  She didn’t show any reaction to the sound of a car pulling up on the drive, and I followed her example and ignored the doorbell. We kept our eyes fixed on Edwin, straining our ears f
or the sound of an engine starting up again.

  But Alex was determined that day. He must have climbed over the wall by the stable block. We whipped our heads round when he appeared from that direction, and he strode up the path toward us. His lips were pressed into a smile, but his fingers were curled.

  Ruth rose and pointed at him. “Get out. Get away from my house.”

  Edwin stood in his pool, dripping, staring from one to the other.

  “We need to talk,” Alex said. His tone was calm, but the tension in his face suggested this took effort.

  Ruth turned toward me. “Phone the police, Laura. Tell them someone’s broken into my property.”

  “Your mother’s property.” Alex gave a short laugh. “I wonder if she’ll press charges when the police explain to her that I’m the father of her grandchild.”

  “Mummy?” Edwin said.

  I knocked Alex’s elbow as I pushed past him, a towel in my hand.

  “Hey,” I said to Edwin, draping the towel around his shoulders. “Shall we get some ice cream and watch a video?”

  “But I want to play here.” His bottom lip protruded.

  “We can put chocolate sauce on it,” I said. He slid his hand into mine. Ruth continued to glare at Alex. I took Edwin straight through to the day nursery and settled him in front of the television, his trunks spreading a damp patch onto the sofa.

  “I’ll be back in a minute,” I told him. “I’ll put lots of chocolate sauce and sprinkles on. Just stay here, okay?”

  Straight from the freezer, the ice cream was too solid to scoop out. I placed two bowls on the countertop, then hovered by the kitchen table, watching Ruth and Alex through the open doors. Ruth still stood on the patio, her hands held protectively over her bump, while Alex was several meters back on the lawn, his feet apart and his hands in his pockets.

  “You haven’t told him, have you?” Alex was saying. “I can’t believe you’re this close to your due date and you haven’t told him yet.”

  “I’m not due for another five weeks,” Ruth said coldly. “And it’s not yours.”

  Alex tilted his head back and squinted at the sky. “For God’s sake. If you won’t talk to him, I will. I know this is going to be hard for you. But the baby is mine.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “I’m the father. I’m not going to let you cut me out.”

  “I’ll tell Dominic you’re threatening me. You’re making it up. You’re deluded.”

  Alex shook his head. “I’m not the deluded one, Ruth.”

  She stepped off the patio and advanced on him, one finger jabbing toward his chest. Her voice dropped, and I crept closer to the doorway, holding my breath.

  “If you don’t leave right now,” she said, “I will take myself and my baby to a place you will never find us.”

  Her finger was an inch from his shirt. He stepped back, raising one hand slightly as if to ward her off.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

  He stared at her. “No, Ruth. I don’t.”

  She made a shrill sound, almost a laugh, and stepped to the side, moving around him, swiveling to keep her finger pointed at him. “It’s your choice, Alex. You can accept that this is nothing to do with you. Watch this baby grow up like you’ve watched Edwin, as a family friend. But if you push me—if you threaten me—I will go. And I’ll take my baby with me.”

  She swung round then, as fast as her distended abdomen would let her, and set off for the end of the garden with a rolling gait.

  “What do you mean?” Alex called after her. “Ruth? Where are you going?”

  Her mouth twisted into a distorted smile as she looked back at him over her shoulder. “To the cliffs,” she shouted.

  Something clattered at my feet, and I looked down, my heart racing. A black-handled knife spun on the tiles, knocked from the draining board.

  Alex took two steps toward Ruth’s retreating figure then stopped. He raked his fingers through his hair.

  I stumbled over to the ice cream container, and scooped out two portions with trembling hands. When I got back to the day nursery, Edwin was absorbed in his cartoon and didn’t look up. I fumbled as I placed the sauce bottle on the nursery table, and the sprinkles pot went flying, sending hundreds and thousands of multicolored sprinkles skittering across the floor. Had Ruth really just threatened to kill herself and her unborn child? Perhaps I had misunderstood. Perhaps her words had meant something different to Alex. A column of scalding acid rose in my chest, and I bent over the table, gripping the edges.

  “Laura?”

  I swung round, trying to straighten but failing. Alex stood in the day nursery doorway, a hand on each side of the doorframe as if it was holding him up. Sweat shone on his forehead, and his face had a grayish tinge.

  “Did you hear what she said?” he asked me.

  I managed to straighten up properly. I nodded. Our eyes didn’t quite meet. Edwin continued to gaze at his screen.

  “You’ve got to help me.” Alex’s voice cracked. “The baby isn’t safe with her. She’s gone to the cliffs. You’ve got to get her back.”

  I gestured to Edwin. “I can’t. I can’t leave him here alone.”

  “If I follow her, I’m afraid of what she’ll do. I’ll stay here and watch him.”

  I stared at him.

  He exhaled heavily. “You don’t trust me.”

  “No,” I said. “It’s not that.”

  “What, then?”

  “I have to stay with him.” Despite me not using his name, Edwin’s concentration broke suddenly, and he knelt up to peer over the back of the sofa, frowning at us.

  “Where’s Mummy?” he asked.

  “She’ll be back soon,” I told him. I held my hand against his cheek for a moment, stroking it with my thumb. Once he’d settled back down, I forced my legs to propel me to the doorway until I stood directly in front of Alex. His pupils were wide, his breathing rapid.

  “Go home,” I told him. “She’ll come back once you’ve gone.”

  “Laura . . .”

  “Just go. You’ve done enough.”

  He left. Within minutes of his car retreating down the lane, Ruth appeared from the direction of the stable block. I guessed she hadn’t gone to the cliffs at all, but had circled within the boundary of the garden to listen for his car leaving.

  “Are you all right?” I asked her.

  She held out her arms as Edwin scrambled off the sofa and scurried into them.

  “I’m great,” she said. “I’m starving, actually. I think six small meals a day are the way forward at the moment. Who’s for pancakes?”

  We gobbled them with golden syrup and lemon juice, out on the patio, gorging ourselves until our chins were sticky and our stomachs bloated. Then we sprawled on the cushions in the shade, sucking sugar from our fingers and dozing, resembling nothing more than a pack of wild animals sated after a successful kill.

  25

  Seraphine

  EDWIN AVOIDS BEING in the same room as Alex for the rest of the evening, and Danny goes off to phone Brooke, so it falls to me to show Alex and Kiara to the annex and hand them the key in case they feel the need to lock themselves in. They do: I hear the lock click before I’ve even crossed the day nursery. Back in the kitchen, I consider these strangers we have allowed into our house: I have warmed to Kiara, but something about Alex troubles me. I bolt the door on the kitchen side, blocking their access to the main part of the house overnight. Suspicion works both ways.

  Upstairs, Edwin has just come off the phone to Vera.

  “I told her Laura had been found here, injured,” he says. “But I didn’t mention Alex and Kiara and everything else. Not yet. It’s too complicated. She’s going to come down tomorrow, and she wants you to go back with her, Seph
. Please do—let her look after you for a couple of weeks.”

  “Okay.”

  I step forward and rest my forehead against his chest for a minute. His heart rate is fast, I think, or my perception of time is skewed. I’ve grown up with the expectation that my big brother can always make things better. But he can’t this time. He’s not even my big brother this time. He’s her big brother.

  I want to talk to him about that, but I don’t know what to say. He seems distracted, distant. But as I pull away, he murmurs, “I don’t care who your parents are, you know. You’ll always be my sister.” I hold back my tears until I’m in my bedroom.

  It’s too hot for bedcovers, but I curl up in the middle of my mattress, my head tucked toward my knees, like a defensive creature trying to deter predators, trying to shut out the world. Will Vera still want me to go back to London with her when she finds out I’m not her real granddaughter? Will she end up giving Summerbourne to Kiara? This is all my fault. If I’d stayed away from Laura, never met Alex and Kiara, I could be mourning my father properly now with the support of my brothers. Instead, I’ve discovered that Edwin isn’t my brother at all, and I’ve no idea whether Danny is either.

  Does this story have to come out? Do we need to tell people? Will Kiara want to meet her grandmother, claim her inheritance, keep her newfound older brother to herself?

  The worst thing of all is: I have lost the certainty of my family without gaining the truth I was seeking. No one knows where Danny and I came from. I still don’t know who I am.

  I wake early and tiptoe down to the kitchen to pull the bolt back before making three coffees and carrying them up to Edwin and Danny. Alex and Kiara can fend for themselves.

  Danny is still in bed when the police car arrives a couple of hours later, but the rest of us congregate in the sitting room to hear Martin’s news, none of us wanting to be the first to sit down.

  Martin watches Alex as he enters. “I suppose you can vouch for your whereabouts around noon yesterday, Mr. Kaimal?”