by Jack Stroke
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“I won’t if you don’t tell me.
“He gets inside. He digs his claws in and ruins everything. That’s what he does. He’s been doing it ever since I’ve known him. And he’s having no trouble doing it again.”
“Amber, just tell me what happened.”
Amber gulped. She was standing on the edge of a void, about to tumble in.
48
Eighteen years earlier
The concrete cooked the soles of Amber’s shoes. A stinking hot day. She wandered up the driveway clutching two presents. Two presents she was extremely pleased with.
First, she had purchased a little wooden train. The choice took an awful lot of deliberation. Then on the way out of the shop she realised getting a toy for a two-week-old was probably pointless. Were all baby’s presents really for the parents? So she went and bought Ben a super cool outfit. It was the kind of thing a skater would wear, except in baby size. Megan and Amber had always said they would never dress any potential kid they had in baby clothes, they would always make them cool.
She’d spent far too much money. Much more than she could afford. So what? She was going to spoil the heck out of this kid. That’s what a godmother is supposed to do, isn’t it?
A bright glow lit up her insides. She could do this. Ben was the most gorgeous little creature in the whole world, and if that meant putting up with Ellis, so be it. She could handle Ellis.
That said, she was pleased to see his car wasn’t there when she arrived. She knocked, holding up the two presents.
Except Ellis was there. He answered the door.
“Amber…”
She tried not to appear too disappointed. “Hey, Ellis. Megan here?”
The stale smell of sweat and beer wafted towards her.
“Nah. Gone for a drive with Ben. Trying to get him to sleep.”
Great. Should she leave the presents and go?
“Come and wait,” Ellis said. “Should be back soon.”
Waiting was about the last thing Amber wanted. She plastered on a plastic smile.
“Sure thing. Sounds good.”
A short time later they were sitting on the couch, watching mindless TV. Maybe this was good. An opportunity. A chance to clear the air.
“Listen, Ellis. I know things have been funny between us. Not great. I’ve done some things.”
“You sure have.”
“You’ve done plenty yourself,” she spat back.
“You’re the one talking.”
Be the bigger person, Amber reminded herself. He’s just trying to get a rise out of you. “Anyway, you’ve got Ben now. How about we put all that behind this?”
“Sure. Water under a bridge.”
“Great. Friends?”
She held out her hand.
“Sure. Friends.”
They shook and lapsed back into silence.
“So, how is being a father?”
Ellis shrugged. “Don’t have to do much yet. Could do with more sex though.”
Amber did a double take. “She’s just had a child, Ellis.”
“Didn’t want to have sex much before she was pregnant either. Or when she was pregnant. Doesn’t want to have sex now.”
“I’m sure you’ll cope.”
“What about you, Amber? Do you want to have sex?”
“Ellis…”
“I’m kidding. Just mucking around. Friends, remember?”
The TV droned on. Being stuck in here with this awful pig was about the last thing Amber wanted. Still, she had made a promise to Megan to at least try. She couldn’t think of a single thing to say though.
God, hurry home, Megan. Please.
49
Eighteen years earlier
Amber’s clothes clung to her, the room ridiculously hot. She was sweating far more than she’d like. The couch was fine, but it left her too close to Ellis. He smelt. Not awful but not pleasant either. Like a smelly boy.
He flicked through the channels, not settling on anything.
“Nothing on.” Ellis chucked the remote away. “Wanna play a game?”
“Sure. Okay. What game?”
“How about… the tickling game?”
Like lightning, his hands were all over her. She squirmed, which she took as encouragement.
“Hey, you’re ticklish.”
Amber did her best to get away. He was too big. Too strong. Too close.
“Ellis…” she squealed. She was laughing too, completely against her will. She managed to push herself off and jumped to her feet, straightening her clothes. If she wasn’t sweating before, she sure was now.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, lounging all over the couch. “Come on. I’m just mucking around.”
“I don’t feel comfortable with this.”
“I was just tickling. Don’t be a prude.” He made a face. “Fine. No more tickling. Come on. Sit back down.”
She didn’t.
“Come on, don’t be stupid.”
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
“I will. I promise.”
Amber wasn’t sure she believed him. She decided to give him one last chance. Any more rubbish and she would leave.
They settled into an uncomfortable silence.
“You ever wonder what would have happened if I chose you at the party instead?”
“No.”
“Liar. You think about it. Maybe you and I would have had a kid now.”
“I doubt it.”
“No. I know what would have happened.”
“Happened with what?”
“With us. What would have happened without a doubt.”
“What?”
“More tickling.”
And like that, his hands were all over her once again. It was tickling, but it was more, his hands roaming her body.
“Ellis!”
“What, you don’t like tickling?”
“No.”
She squirmed as best she could but couldn’t get away from him this time.
“Okay. No more trickling.”
He grabbed her hand and forced it on his crotch. It was like he had shoved a crowbar down there. Amber pulled her hand away, jumping up once again.
“What? I wasn’t tickling.”
“You’re a pig.”
“You want to see it?”
“No.”
“Stop with the act, Amber. Don’t pretend you’re not into me. You still like me. That’s why you and Megan fight all the time.”
“I couldn’t like you less, Ellis. You’re repellant.”
“Whatever. You used to like me.”
“Before I knew you.”
“Nah. You still do. Come on. Let’s have sex. Megan never has to know.”
Amber wanted to yell and scream at him, except he wasn’t worth her breath. Instead, she stomped to the door. Only problem was the door was locked and there was no sign of a key.
“Oops,” Ellis said. “Guess you’re not going anywhere.”
50
Eighteen years earlier
Amber pulled the lock pointlessly.
“Ellis, let me out.”
“You can leave whenever you want. Let’s have sex first though.” He grinned, adjusting his crotch through his pants. “Come on, Amber. Don’t fight it. All of your dreams are about to come true.”
Amber’s lungs constricted, making breathing impossible. This couldn’t be happening. He had to be mucking around. She didn’t dare risk it. She bolted. Like a cat, Ellis sprung after her.
There had to be a back door, didn’t there? She’d only been to their place a few times. In a rush, Amber took the first door she saw, hoping it was a way out. It wasn’t. It was a bedroom. A bedroom was okay. Lock Ellis out and wait for Megan to return. She could do this.
Amber slammed the door. Ellis managed to get a toe in, preventing it from closing.
“You’re a tease, Amber. You don’t fool me.”
He shouldere
d through the door. Amber fell backwards onto the bed.
“I’m not a tease. I don’t want this.”
“Sure. Why are we in the bedroom then?”
“I was trying to find a way out.”
“Sure you were.” He loomed over her. “Play hard to get all you like. We’re having sex, Amber. The only question is whether you pretend you don’t want it or not.”
He grabbed her. Holding her wrists above her head, Ellis pinned her to the bed. She twisted and scrambled about with zero impact. He held her in place easily. If anything, he seemed to be enjoying her fight. Getting off on it.
Ellis forced his lips on hers, ramming his tongue in her mouth. His stubble scratched her face. She could taste the beer in his spit.
“Ellis. No… Please… I don’t want…”
It was of no use. He wasn’t listening. His hand ran down her front, briefly pausing on her breasts.
“Ellis…”
And then his hand was at her pants, attempting to pull them down. Pull them off. She could feel his erect penis shoving against her through his jeans. Like a terrible weapon, waiting to be unleashed. She tried to knee him, except she couldn’t move enough. This was horrific.
Should she fight or would that simply make everything worse? She wasn’t sure it was a choice. Even if remaining still might make it all over sooner, Amber had no idea if that was physically possible.
Or should she go the other way? What if she joined in? Not to try and give him pleasure, just attempt to speed up the process. Get it all over with. Except there was no guarantee he would stop. Even if she got him to ejaculate, maybe he still wouldn’t let her go.
For the briefest of moments she found herself floating above her body. Observing. He was rough, hurting her, but it was the complete and utter feeling of powerlessness that was soul-destroying. He was doing whatever he liked, and there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop him. Taking from her. Like she was an object.
And then mercifully something happened. He still had her pinned, one hand holding her wrists, the other on her pants, but he stopped moving altogether.
Had his better self won out? Had he realised what a terrible idea this was? What a mistake he was making?
Of course not.
The window above the bed was shaking, accompanied by the hum of an engine. A car in the driveway. Megan. Megan was home. Thank God.
What would he do now? It was undoubtedly his move. She watched his mind calculating, face still only inches from hers. He rolled on his side and let her go.
Amber couldn’t get to her feet fast enough. She straightened her clothes, trying to wipe his scent off her and doing everything she could not to cry. It seemed important. She didn’t want to show any weakness in front of this jerk.
The car door slammed. Megan’s voice floated in, chatting to Ben.
“I guess Megan’s home.”
Amber lingered. That’s it? That’s all he could say after what just happened?
She rubbed her eyes, blinking incessantly. She should say something and yet her mind actively refused to think of a single thing. She turned.
“Hey, Amber… Are you going to tell her?”
Feeling indignant enough to explode, she turned back to him. “Of course I’m going to tell her.”
Ellis shrugged. “Good luck with that.”
His arrogance stung. She could see it in his eyes. He couldn’t care less.
“Think she’ll believe you?”
51
It was a strange place to come clean, sitting on the wooden floor of the old Scout Hall with Vaughan in the dark in the middle of the night. He tried to hold her hand but she didn’t want that. She told him all about her history with Ellis, the wedge he had driven between her and Megan and that afternoon at their place, how he assaulted her. How close it came to being much, much worse. There was no anger or tears, merely overwhelming numbness.
“Wow…” he said once she had finished.
“You know, in all this time, you’re the first person I have ever told.”
“Well, thank you for telling me. That’s a lot to process. Must’ve been an awful lot for you to carry around all this time.”
They sat in silence. Finally Vaughan said: “Okay. So what?”
Did she hear correctly? Surely not. All the blood rushed to Amber’s head like it was about to explode. “So what?” She spat through gritted teeth. “How about you want to go find the creep and kill him? That’s what a real boyfriend would do.”
“Oh, I’m your boyfriend now, am I?”
“Not for much longer.”
“What? Do you reckon I’m going to go and beat Ellis up? I think we both know you would be a lot better at that than I would.”
“Some sort of anger would be nice.”
“Are you worried he’s going to attack you again?”
“Ellis? Physically? Ha. I’d like to see him try. He wouldn’t dare.”
“What’s the issue then?”
It took everything not to let her anger get the better of her. “Am I speaking another language? He assaulted me. He was going to rape me. Weren’t you listening?”
“I was. But it was twenty years ago.”
“Oh, that makes it all right, does it? Maybe he could have killed me. You wouldn’t have cared about that? Or would you say, ‘Ah, it was twenty years ago. Doesn’t matter.’”
“Stop and listen.” He put a hand on her arm, which was decidedly brave, given her level of fury. “In no way am I diminishing what happened or excusing what he did. It’s utterly repellent. My point is, look at you. You thrived and prospered.”
“Barely survived. Hardly prospered. How can you… This thing ruined my entire life.”
“Not from where I’m sitting. You’re amazing, kid. You’re beautiful and you’re smart and you’re funny.”
The compliment took Amber by surprise. With no idea how to respond, she hit him in the arm.
“I’m serious. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so self-assured and confident. You’re very good at what you do.”
“You have no idea what I do.”
“Only because you refuse to share. But it’s pretty obvious you’re good at it. You’ve got a good life here and you’re happy. Why would you risk all of that for a would-be rapist loser? For a guy who looks like he peaked in high school, if at all?”
“I’m not the one risking everything.”
“You sure about that? Look, if you want to do something about all this, go to the police.”
“It was twenty years ago.”
“That’s what I said and you got mad at me.”
“Don’t push it… Look, the whole thing, it’s too long ago. The police won’t care.”
“Okay, so what do you want to do? Other than some half-brained foolishness about getting him busted with drugs?”
“You don’t understand about Ellis.”
“What?”
“It’s complicated.”
“It doesn’t seem complicated. Look, that time he tried to assault you, that sounds horrific. Harrowing. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to live through. I’m sure it had a tremendous impact on your life at the time, like you say. But guess what? You did live through it. You made it. You say it ruined your life back then. Okay. Understood. Don’t let it ruin your life twice.”
“I’m not… I’m…”
“I just don’t get why someone like you would be scared of this guy.”
“I’m not scared of him, Vaughan.”
Vaughan chipped away at a stain on the floor with a fingernail. “Okay. You’re not scared of him. Why all this? Why drugs and Grubby and nonsense for someone you’re not scared of? What is the actual issue?”
What indeed?
52
Eighteen years earlier
Megan struggled through the door, baby in one hand, an oversized bag in the other.
“Ellis? Little monster won’t go to sleep. Can you —”
She almost walked s
traight into Amber before she saw her.
“Oh, hey, Amber. Can’t get Ben to sleep. Wouldn’t sleep last night, won’t sleep now. Ellis, can you take him for a walk or something?” She glanced about. “Is Ellis here?”
Megan looked tired. That’s about all Amber could tell. Everything else was a blur. Amber struggled to breathe. It was like she had been sucked out of the moment somehow. There, yet are not really.
Ellis strutted out of the bedroom, cool as anything. Like he hadn’t just been all over Amber, tearing at her clothes. Like nothing had happened. Had something happened? Almost, yet not.
“What are you two up to?” Megan asked.
Oh, God. She knew. Horrible guilt filled Amber.
“Nothing,” Ellis said. “Amber just stopped by to see Ben.”
He pointed at the two presents.
“Wow, thanks, Amber. Nice to see you two getting along for once.”
“I… have to go.”
“No, stay for a bit.” She gave Ellis Ben. “At least until I open these.”
No more words came. Amber simply shook her head and left. She didn’t run, although it wasn’t too far off.
“Amber? Amber!”
Somewhere inside she registered Megan’s voice. She couldn’t stop though. Not now.
Amber found herself at Joan’s place. She had no memory of how she got there or of making any sort of decision to go there, it’s simply where she found herself. Her brain on automatic, guiding her to somewhere safe.
She knocked at the door and Pablo answered.
“Amber…”
His warm smile didn’t help. She couldn’t speak, she could only choke back tears. With every new moment, the reality of what just happened got worse, stalking her. Lovely as Megan’s father was, he was useless in these sorts of situations. Panic quickly reached his eyes.
“I’ll go… Let me get Joan.”
“Oh, Amber. What’s wrong?” Joan asked, guiding her in.
Amber allowed herself to be led to the couch. Pablo passed her a glass of water and hovered awkwardly until Joan indicated he should leave. He didn’t need to be asked twice.