My Own Island (A Blue Shore Novel)

by Wendy Silk

  Cindy smiled so sadly that I almost wished I hadn’t asked. “That was so hard for all of us. When they got married, he had been on his way to see the world outside this island. He was an explorer back then. I know he would have come home eventually, but he was on fire with excitement about seeing new things. She...well, she was the only person in the world he would have given that up for.”

  Shifting on my feet, I realized I had been gripping the hem of my daisy dress and twisting it with one hand. I didn’t want to admit it, but I hated hearing about Grant’s wife. Why had she been so ideal that he chose her over everything else? I would never be that perfect choice for anybody.

  As I took leave of Cindy and left the building for the modern structure that housed the oversized swimming pool, I felt a kind of shame washing over me. I was here, and I was committed to doing a good job with my work. But wasn’t I just hiding on this island? I would never inspire that kind of adoration in anybody. I had sequestered myself here to teach a talented teenager, but maybe the real reason I was happy here was that I didn’t have to confront my shortcomings in love.

  Chapter 12: Grant

  The hot tub filtration system was acting up again. It was driving me crazy. How many times had I called the service we used? This was the kind of thing that the staff was supposed to be taking care of, but it had gotten to a point where I knew it wouldn’t get fixed unless I got my own hands dirty with it.

  It was late in the afternoon, so I’d finished my usual tasks around the hotel. I found that I had a few minutes free, so I walked over to the pool building. I loved everything about this part of the property. The old hotel building had never had a pool. When my parents bought the hotel right after they were married, my mother had been adamant that guests would appreciate a heated pool in its own outbuilding. We had a lot of vacationers that visited throughout the year, not just in the warmest summer months. Cold and stormy weather brought out the whale-watching crowd. And she had been right; they loved having the warm pool and gigantic hot tub to relax in and warm their chilled bones.

  With the fall weather had come the beautiful changes in leaf color. Our hotel was perched on a high point. Behind it ran the steps down to our signature blue pebble beach. Across the front, though, we could see trees in every hue this time of year. The tall evergreens were the backbone of the view, interspersed with the reds and golds of the leaves that were only just hanging on for a few more weeks. The path that ran down to the pool building was edged with blue pebbles, and along the surface, tiny red maple leaves skittered as I walked.

  When I reached the cedar and white outbuilding, with broad windows that faced the water, I checked all around to see if any guests were there. I saw no sign of any personal items or towels, and I heard no voices anywhere. As I entered, I removed my usual sign from my handyman bag and hung it on the door. It read, simply, “No admittance, work in progress.”

  As I set my tools down, I checked everywhere for guests. I’m sure I did. I called out, asking if anybody was there. There was no answer. In hindsight, I suppose I should have checked inside the locker rooms, but at the time I felt sure. I leaned over the hot tub, opening the filtration system. As I moved forward, I somehow managed to let my wrench slip out of my grasp into the water.

  “Damn it,” I murmured. I pulled off my t-shirt to lean in try to catch it. Failing at that, I decided to just jump in. So I got a little wet; that wouldn’t be end of the world. As I made my way up the steps with my favorite wrench in my hand, I heard a movement to my left. Turning toward the sound, I realized that I hadn’t gone far enough in checking the building before hanging up my sign and locking myself in.

  “Oh. It’s you.” Those unwelcoming words were all I could think of to say to Alice. She stood there in her red swimsuit, with a pretty flowered dress hanging over her arm. Her long brown hair was loose, brushing her bare shoulders like silk. She was glaring at me.

  “What are you doing?” she asked. “I was sure the pool was open. Isn’t it?”

  “Yes. Sorry about that.” I gestured down at my dripping walking shorts. I saw that I was making her uncomfortable, and I realized it was because my shirt was still off. We had been trying so hard, both of us, to interact only on a professional level. I tried to gather my wits. I was the boss, after all. “I’m just here to do some work on the hot tub. I thought the building was empty. My apologies for intruding on your swim.”

  Alice looked at me like I was a complete fool. “You don’t have to worry about apologizing to me. I’m the one who should be sorry. I like to come down her in the late afternoon once I know Toby is working hard. But it’s no big deal. I can skip my swim today.”

  I was listening to her, but I admit it; I was getting distracted by the sight of her body. I had known what it was like to run my fingers along her skin, to make her moan. Back at the resort, of course, in a different life. Back then, I’d held her hips against mine as I tasted her neck with my tongue, breathing roughly against her as I felt more in a moment than I had in years.

  Alice was still looking at me. Her cheeks grew pink, as if she could read my mind. With the physical grace that I had admired in her when we swam together, she tunneled her arms into the sleeves of her cotton dress and shrugged it on over her shoulders. As she did that, she raised her arms, lifting her rounded breasts in the air. I saw the points of her nipples pressing against the red fabric before I realized that perhaps I was supposed to look away. My own body was stirring at the sight of hers. Good lord, it was like I was in junior high.

  Her cheeks were still pink, but her eyes lit up momentarily with suppressed humor. She could see my erection in my shorts, I knew it. My tan walking shorts were plastered against my body from my dip in the water. Alice was a master of self control, though. She kept her gaze trained on my face, after that initial detour. I realized with some irritation that she was still trying her hardest to maintain a pose of employee deference to me.

  “Alice, listen,” I began. “You don’t always have to pretend we don’t know each other. I’d like it if we could be friends, actually. This particular moment is a little weird, yes, but sometimes doesn’t it feel like we could just sit and talk? Hang out?”

  Her shoulders were softening. Instead of standing at alert like a cornered deer, she looked like she might almost be willing to spend a few minutes talking with me. We had found an easy rapport together when we first met. Maybe we could again. At the very least, it would be good for Toby if we could let our guard down and act naturally with each other.

  “Grant, I don’t know what to say. Maybe. I mean, I agree that it has been a strain. Here I am living in your apartment, and we’ve been so formal with each other. We could be a little more relaxed, you’re right.”

  I plunged ahead. “I’m sorry about what happened in the Caribbean, Alice. I made a mistake, and I want you to know that I apologize.”

  She flinched. “You made a mistake? You mean ditching me without a goodbye or explanation? Is that what you’re referring to? The fact that I sat around for hours, thinking you were coming back from your room?” She was far angrier about that than I had realized. The cool veneer that she usually wore as my brother’s teacher had been covering something that could only be described as fury. She went on, “I do understand that maybe you weren’t interested. I had plenty of time to come to that conclusion, thank you. But what kind of man doesn’t have the balls to just say so, instead of slinking off like a dog?”

  “All right,” I said. “I deserve all that. I did ask you just now to be a little more relaxed in conversation. So I guess you’re doing that.” I took a breath to try to rein in my own sharp tongue. If we were both furious at each other, this conversation would go nowhere. “Alice, here’s what I’m sorry for. Everything. I’m sorry that I acted like a jerk. I took advantage of you, I can see that. You were in a bad place after your, um, wedding. I shouldn’t have made moves on you when you were in that state. I’m apologizing, really I am.”

  Alice looked li
ke she might burst into a ball of flame. I hadn’t ever seen anybody so angry before. “You think it was all up to you? What kind of conceited thinking is that? You must be so sorry that you slept with me. Whatever. I’m a person with free will, you know. I chose to get involved with you because I wanted to. Have you been thinking all this time that I was some naive little flower that you corrupted with your powerful dick?”

  “No, that’s not what I meant,” I answered, gently waving my hands at her in a gesture that I meant to be conciliatory, but that a better man would have known would only inflame her anger more.

  “Don’t pat the air at me,” she returned. Her voice was coming back under control, but I wondered if she was merely covering her raw emotions, not resolving them. “You don’t need to try to placate me. I’m not some young little thing that needs to be told how things are. I slept with you at the resort because I wanted to. I was being adventurous. My idea of the two of us traveling together was about finding excitement in life. You don’t know anything about that, do you?”

  Ouch. Her words hit home. “That’s not really fair, Alice. You don’t know anything about me.”

  “On the contrary, Grant. I can see all kinds of things about you, just from the way you live. The way you conducted yourself back at the resort, and the way you live here. I think you used to be adventurous. Maybe there was a time in your life that you could have embraced change. Cindy told me you used to be that way. But now? Now you’re just a boring workaholic who acts far older than your age.”

  I had to stop this conversation. Her words were cutting me to the quick. She was more right than she knew, but there was no way I was going to break down and admit it. “No, no. Sorry.” I was backtracking as fast as I could, just to be done talking. “I just wanted to say that it was all my fault. I should have known that I couldn’t…” I trailed off. “Well, I just couldn’t.”

  Alice’s eyes were bright with hatred now. Or was it hurt? “I understand,” she said. “I made the wrong choice, too. Let’s not speak about it again. The only reason I’m here is because of Toby. Let’s remember that.” She walked past me, carefully avoiding touching me. When she reached the door, she turned the keys that I’d left in the lock, and stepped out. She didn’t look like she’d be giving me a second chance in the future to try to be friends.

  Shaking my head at my own ineptness, I finished my inspection of the hot tub’s inner workings. My eyes were actually blurred with tears that I had no intention of shedding. How had she seen me so well? Everything she said was accurate. I had thought I could hide behind some apology about having taken advantage of her, but in reality, I knew I was the one that had come away from our meeting having lost the most. I had gotten involved with a woman with whom I could have had a future, but I had choked at the thought of reaching for something I wanted.

  I didn’t make much progress with the filtration problem, but I thought I knew enough now to talk to the maintenance guy about it. Grabbing one of the fresh towels from the shelves that lined the room, I blotted my face and did my best to repair my appearance. Putting on my t-shirt had the unfortunate effect of making it wetter, rather than making me drier.

  The quick walk back to the lobby did little to improve my clothes or my mood. As I entered, I was conscious that this wasn’t my best look if I wanted to impress my guests. All I needed to do was to make it to my private elevator without attracting attention. I stood tall, trying to pretend that I was dressed in my most tailored business suit, a pillar of authority.

  As I passed the front desk, Cindy caught my eye, and her expression made me laugh out loud. She was trying hard to keep a straight face herself, but was not succeeding.

  “What?” I asked her. She was one of my favorite people in the world. She’d been my mom’s best friend, and for the past ten years, she been mine. Her unerring ability to tell me when I was doing the wrong thing had been the making of me as an adult during those years I struggled to learn how to run the business on my own. Why did I have a nagging suspicion that she was about to tell me that I was making a mistake somewhere?

  “Grant, you look terrible,” she snickered. “I don’t see anything wrong with popping in for a swim during work hours, but I think you’re supposed to actually wear a swimsuit, aren’t you?”

  I pretended to frown at her, but we both knew I didn’t mind if she made fun of me. She and Toby were the only people I knew who still did that. Apparently, my staff found me to be a little dry. That’s what I’d heard, anyway.

  Cindy managed to check herself. It looked like she did have something serious to say to me after all. “Grant, I don’t know how to say this to you.” She stopped for a moment and fiddled with the pen in her hand before she continued. “I just talked to Alice about it. I wanted her to make sure that you know to let Toby grow up.”

  I was trying not to, but I know I bristled. “Cindy, I know that. He’s eighteen. He’s already almost grown up.”

  “Yes, but do you realize that he’s going to be leaving here? As he should,” she answered. “He’s almost ready to do that. Just remember to let him go when it’s time. You can’t keep this place frozen in time forever, you know.”

  “Now that’s not fair,” I rebuked her. “I’ve supported him all these years that he’s needed me. I’m not holding on to something just for the sake of it. I’m not frozen.”

  “I know it’s been hard. Just remember, ok?” Cindy looked up at me with a glint in her eye. “And how do you like Alice? She’s such a great person; so easy to talk to.”

  “I have not found that to be the case, no.”

  Cindy was no fool. She pushed a little harder. “She might be, you know. She loves it here, I can see it.”

  I wasn’t angry at her, and I know she understood that. But all I could do was nod curtly as I continued on my way back to my own apartment. Cindy waved easily at me and went back to the list she was marking. If she could have, she would have reported my obtuseness to my mother. I wouldn’t have minded that. If only it were possible.

  As I stepped from the elevator into my own foyer, I saw Alice pacing the long balcony that ran across the back of the apartment. She was holding her phone to her ear and speaking energetically into it. I couldn’t tell from her face whether she was still angry at me, or if something new had come up to agitate her. I hoped there was no emergency. As I paused, wondering if everything was all right, I realized I could hear her words if I tried. Chastising myself for listening in, I felt my feet move closer to her, while still staying out of sight.

  Alice held the phone with her right hand, while keeping her left hand clenched at her side. The closer I got, the more tension I could hear in her voice. “David, I’m telling you, there’s just no point. No. No, I don’t want you to come out here. This is my place, my job. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

  She sat down, as if she was beginning to relent, but she remained perched on the edge of the cedar seat. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sure you’ll miss Vicky a great deal. But are you crazy? Why would you call me to tell me this? I feel like I should remind you that you’re the one that dumped me at the altar. We were getting married. No. Seriously, just stop. You’ve done enough already.”

  With that, she touched her screen to end the call. Sighing so loudly that I could hear it just as well as I’d heard her conversation, she bowed her head. My heart went out to her. Alice had not looked so defeated the whole time I’d known her. Even when she was vacationing on her solo honeymoon, she had shown a defiant cheerfulness. She’d been able to laugh, albeit darkly, at the improbability of her situation. Now she just looked tired and sad.

  I couldn’t help myself. I stepped forward, around the wall of bookshelves that had been concealing me. The door to the balcony was wide open. The smells of the beach below reached us on the crisp fall breeze. The noisy gulls circled overhead, always present, no matter how many signs I posted asking the guests not to feed them.

  “Alice?” I ventured. “I don’t mean t
o intrude. And maybe I’m the last person in the world that you want to talk to.”

  She lifted her face from her hands and looked wanly up at me. I had been right. She had reached a new low. “Grant, how long have you been standing there?”

  “Not long,” I answered. “Well, long enough. You were talking to the guy that you were engaged to, right?”

  Alice snorted. “That’s the one. He was The One. And I don’t know, maybe he still is.”

  My own spirits plunged at this. I hadn’t been aware of how much I counted on my hope that she no longer loved him.

  She went on. “David called me to ask if he could come out here to see me. His new girlfriend, Vicky, left him. I know that should make me feel happy, but I...I just…”

  I had to ask her. “Do you want to see him?”

  Alice hesitated, then surprised me by nodding. “I do want to see him. I was so uncomfortable talking to him at first, but now I can see that it’s not over between us. I know I just hung up on him, but I can call him back. There’s unfinished business; I have to admit that to myself. Do you mind if I ask him to visit here? I could take a day off from my work, but it would be just one day.”

  This afternoon was becoming surreal. I had confronted the fact that I still had feelings for Alice. She was absolutely right in saying that I had been too chicken to take her up on her offer of adventure. Now, less than an hour later, she stood in front of me, admitting that things weren’t over between her and her fiancé.

  I spoke as flatly as I could, but I don’t think she noticed. “Alice, that’s fine. You’ve been doing great work with Toby. Of course you can take a personal day. Or a few. I’ll step back inside and give you the privacy you need to call him back.”

  She smiled shakily at me as I retreated inside, closing the door behind me. I should have seen that coming. She was only here for work; I had known that. Now she’d have the love of her life visit her in my hotel, while I stood by and watched. He’d be the one taking advantage of her, even I could see that. She’d implied earlier that I was patronizing her by thinking she was naive. It wasn’t that at all. It was just that I saw how much she felt things. I’d begun to hope that she might one day feel that strongly about me.