What He Wants

by Jessie Gussman

“You can do it,” Jamal said earnestly.

  He hadn’t even had a cheerleader in prison. You could have. Cassidy would have supported you. She tried. And you shut her down.

  She’d eventually quit. Except on holidays. She’d never given up on Christmas.

  Focus, man.

  It took him two tries, but he was able to swoop down and gently grab Nessa’s face before she averted it. He hadn’t realized how hard dried egg was to wipe off.

  Eventually he had two little girls with shiny clean faces and somewhat clean hands. Just in time, too, since Nissa had wiggled herself half out of the high chair.

  “She’s like Houdini.”

  “What’s that?” Jamal asked as he took his plate to the sink.

  “It was a man who could get out of some pretty tight spots.”

  Figuring out how to open the high chair was not hard. Figuring out how to pick up the wiggling baby and fighting the sudden anxiety that he might drop her was much harder.

  Jamal was equal parts helpful advisor and laughing spectator. Torque couldn’t blame him. If he’d been watching one of his brothers do what he was doing, he’d be laughing his butt off.

  Finally, both girls were on the ground, the high chairs wiped and slid to their places along the wall, and the supper mess cleaned up.

  Holy smokes. He felt like he did as much work since he’d stepped into this apartment as he’d done all day at the garage. He glanced at the wall clock. Wow. Nine thirty. Where did the time go?

  “What time was your mom going to be home?” Torque asked Jamal as they settled down on the living room floor.

  “She told the woman eleven.”

  “I see. So, you have school tomorrow?”

  “Yep.”

  “Homework?”

  “Mom made me do it before she left.”

  “What time is bedtime?”

  Jamal smiled slyly. “The girls go to bed at eight.”

  Torque snorted. “Okay. They’re a little late tonight.”

  “Yep. And you need to change their diapers and put sleepers on them.” He crossed his arms over his narrow chest. “I’m watching, because this is gonna be good.”

  “You could do it for me.”

  “When I want my mom to do my homework for me, she says I’ll never learn it if someone else does it for me.”

  “Fabulous.”

  Torque eyed the babies. There were only two of them, but it seemed like they were always going in a hundred different directions. He could get elbow deep in nuts, bolts, pistons, and rods, get them working in perfect time, and put five hundred horses on the ground with all the confidence of a grizzly in a flock of sheep.

  But he was downright intimidated by the innocent eyes and chubby limbs of Jamal’s sisters.

  He pushed off the floor. “At least they’re not crying.”

  “Yet,” Jamal said, getting up. Apparently to get into a better position to watch the show.

  “Thanks for the encouragement.” He stood with his hands on his hips. People did this all the time. Cassidy did this every day. He could figure it out.

  In the end, it was just as hard as he thought it was going to be. Chasing one twin while trying to wrestle the clothes off the other. He finally put one in her crib and focused his attention on the other. Jamal handed him the clean diaper and sleeper, neither of which came with an owner’s manual or any other kind of instruction.

  “How hard would it be to ink directions on every diaper?” he asked under his breath.

  “You could write to the manufacturer.”

  “Really?” That seemed like a mature statement for a little boy.

  “Mom says if you don’t like something, don’t sit around and complain about it. Do something.”

  “I see. I like your mom.”

  Jamal nodded. “Me too.”

  “Does she go out a lot?”

  “Usually she takes us with her.”

  “Oh.”

  “But we went to the park for a little bit after school before I had to come home and do homework. Mom had to get ready to go.”

  Torque swallowed against the tightness in his throat and wished he hadn’t brought the subject up. The chubby leg in his hand kicked and twisted, not wanting to get shoved into the leg of the sleeper. He finally had it in and the snaps done up before he realized he’d not lined the snaps up correctly and had to take them all out. She managed to wiggle a foot out, and he basically had to stuff the whole baby back into her clothes. This time, he double-checked that he had the snaps lined up.

  He did better with the second baby, but it still took a good half hour to get them changed and dressed, and Jamal had been right. They were both crying by the time he was done.

  Holding the twins, one on each hip, while Jamal got his teeth brushed, Torque apologized that he wasn’t going to be able to read like he’d seen Cassidy do. Not with a crying twin in each hand. When she’d put them to bed, they’d just lain down and went to sleep.

  “When they’re up past their bedtime, they get fussy and cry easier.”

  Good to know. Now. Not that he could have done anything about it.

  He tucked Jamal in the best he could with a crying baby in each arm and walked out to the living room, flipping the lights off with his elbow, until there was only a low glow from the light under the stove.

  Ten thirty. He didn’t want to put the babies down for the night while they were crying. Especially since he was a stranger to them and his would be the last face they saw. Kinda scary, even for an adult. So, he’d just suck it up and pace the floor with them.

  Chapter 16

  Cassidy had tried to call Elizabeth three times to let her know that she was going to be late, but the call kept going to a voice mail that wasn’t set up.

  Harris and Kelly had been so sweet and supportive after her guilty breakdown, but time had slipped away from her. Now, with Elizabeth not answering, Cassidy sped across town, attracting the attention of a town cop, who pulled out, lights flashing.

  Cassidy slapped the steering wheel. She’d never gotten a traffic violation in her life before. After what happened that night with Torque, she was the world’s biggest grandma driver.

  But she needed to get home to her babies. Why wasn’t Elizabeth answering? Could her phone be dead?

  While the cop ran her license and insurance, she tried again. Still no answer.

  “You’re the model on the billboards.” The cop, a young man, maybe mid-twenties, stuck his head in the car window.

  “Yes, sir.” Hopefully he’d let her go. She didn’t even care about the fine.

  “Have you been drinking?”

  “Huh?” Seriously? Was he going to take all night?

  He must not have liked the look on her face.

  “I’d like you to get out of your car, miss. Slowly, keeping your hands in sight at all times.”

  She didn’t roll her eyes and kept her features schooled in her courtroom mask as she got out of the car.

  It took another twenty minutes, but they finally let her go with just a speeding fine. Normally she wouldn’t have been too upset. They seemed like nice guys who were curious about the local celebrity whose picture was on the billboards. Or maybe they just wanted to see what she looked like in person. She got the curiosity, and it wasn’t like she was so popular that it happened a lot. Still, the urge to get home to her children was a driving need that kept her barely civil.

  She jerked to a stop in the parking lot and, grabbing her purse, raced into the apartment building and flew up the stairs, digging in her purse for her key. She slipped it in and opened the door carefully.

  Dim, almost dark. Quiet. Hopefully that meant the kids were asleep.

  She closed and locked the door, sniffing.

  Torque. She identified his scent, strong, like he was here. Only he wasn’t. Come to think of it, she hadn’t seen Elizabeth’s car in the lot. Not that she’d spent that much time looking, but it wasn’t in the space where it was when Cassidy had left earl
ier.

  The foreboding that something wasn’t right washed over her hard and fast, like a rogue wave. She swallowed, setting her purse on the counter and softly walking farther in.

  There was a dark form on the couch. She walked closer as her eyes adjusted.

  “Torque?” she whispered.

  His eyes flew open. Wide and alarmed. His body didn’t move, but every muscle seemed to tense, as though in preparation for an attack.

  Cassidy froze for a second, not expecting her whispered word to have such a forceful impact.

  His head twisted.

  She realized he held a twin in each arm. Should she grab her babies? She didn’t want him to think she was attacking him before he was fully awake.

  “It’s Cassidy.”

  He blinked. The board-like stiffness drained out of his body.

  She relaxed.

  “Hey,” he said, his tone rough with sleep.

  Her babies were safe. It eased the ball of anxiety in her chest. But Torque, looking sexy with sleep, ignited a whole new bundle of reactions.

  “Is Jamal in bed?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Where’s Elizabeth?”

  “Long story.”

  Uh. “Okay?” She reached down and gently lifted Nessa out of his left arm.

  “They’re changed and diapered, I just couldn’t figure out how to set them down without waking them up.”

  Nessa shifted and let out a little squeak before snuggling down into Cassidy’s shoulder.

  Torque started to get up.

  “You stay here. I can come back for Nissa.”

  “I can do it with one. I think.”

  She smiled and led the way back the hall. The door to Jamal’s room was cracked, and she could see him sleeping soundly on his side.

  The nightlight in the twins’ room flickered as Torque followed her in. He watched as she kissed Nessa’s forehead and laid her gently in the crib. Holding Nissa, he waited for her to kiss her forehead then imitated her movements, his large hands cradling the little girl, as he set her gently down. Cassidy covered her with her blanket, and they tiptoed out.

  Torque spoke as soon as they got to the kitchen. “I’m sorry. I’m filthy. I probably got grease on their sleeper things and maybe on your couch. It was kind of crazy, and I never took my boots off...”

  “Shh.” She placed a finger over his lips which stopped his words faster than a plug in a drain.

  His body did the whole stiffening thing again, but this time, it seemed to be from her touch, which gave her a feeling of power, not unpleasant.

  “What are you doing here?” Her finger dropped.

  “Your babysitter was smoking pot in the parking lot. She left Jamal up here to watch the twins. Told him if he left the living room she was smacking everyone with a spoon.” He shoved a hand in his pocket. “I didn’t actually hear her say that. It came from Jamal.”

  Cassidy ground her teeth together. She would definitely be taking steps to deal with Elizabeth tomorrow, although she guessed the woman would be gone. People might not believe a nine-year-old, but Torque’s testimony would stand. The nanny agency would be hearing from her too.

  “Were they okay?” She had just seen them, handled them, but her heart ached. Her babies in the hands of such a miserable person.

  “Jamal had it under control. I think it hit him the hardest emotionally. Brought back some bad memories.”

  “He went to bed okay?”

  “I haven’t heard him.” His jaw ticked. “I didn’t hear you come in either.”

  She smiled. “I know.”

  His mouth opened like he was going to ask her something, but then he looked over her head, closing it.

  “I appreciate you coming in. You could have called. I have a landline.”

  He shrugged, his wide shoulders distracting her. “I didn’t know.”

  “The phone is in my bedroom.”

  “I wasn’t in there.” Somehow the gravelly tone of his voice sent shivers up and down her spine.

  He shifted, and she searched her mind for something to say to keep him from leaving.

  “I guess the nanny idea isn’t working out so well.”

  “Prisons aren’t the only place full of nasty people.”

  Which reminded her, she needed to tell him. “I told Harris and Kelly about what happened and why you went to prison.”

  He stopped looking over her head and met her eyes. “You shouldn’t have.” He searched her face. “Tonight? You told them tonight?”

  “Yes. Up until tonight, no one knew.”

  He shook his head. “No one needs to know.” He paused. “I thought you were on a date.”

  “Is that what Elizabeth said?”

  “Elizabeth pounded on the door, demanded to be allowed in, and insisted she was going to call the cops on me. We didn’t really have a rational conversation.”

  “I see.”

  “Yeah. Jamal said you went out. I guess I assumed the date part.”

  “I went to the new children’s activity center that Kelly is opening next week to help her paint. Harris Winsted, our friend and the librarian, was there too.”

  His eyes flicked down over her outfit. Surely the bright paint she was using was visible. It was on her face and arms. Her t-shirt was splattered with it. And it was probably in her hair too, which was shoved up in a sloppy bun that probably looked like yesterday’s leftovers.

  “You never look at me.”

  “Too tempting,” he murmured. Then he stirred, breaking eye contact and moving to go. She wasn’t going to stop him. It was late, he was tired, and she wasn’t chasing him. No matter what her friends said about why he did what he did.

  He thought she was tempting?

  Her mouth opened. “You never said why you were here to begin with.”

  He shrugged a big shoulder. “Stopped in after work to check on you.”

  “Check on me? Like make sure I’m doing all those things you told me to do?”

  “I’m sorry.” He adjusted his ball cap, his muscles bulging, like he was fighting with himself. He turned back to her, closing the gap between them.

  “I do see you.” He took her shoulders. “You’re beautiful, smart, compassionate... All those things that you were in high school have matured into a woman who’s done so much good and has so much potential for more.” His eyes dipped down, and his breath became unsteady. “You’re beautiful, Cassidy. But the whole world already knows that. Don’t think for one second that I don’t know it too.” His voice lowered. “I know it.”

  He brought his thumb up and traced her lip. She shivered.

  “I could spend all day just looking at you, watching you, the way you move, the crease you get between your eyes when you’re thinking. I love your toes and the sharp angles of your ankles. I love the intelligence that sits deep in your eyes when you look at me. I love the way I feel when you stand beside me...” He trailed off, and his eyes unfocused. “I feel like a motor that has the final piece in place and is running in perfect tune. That’s how it is when I’m with you. Like you’re the other piece of me, and I’m running in time.”

  His eyes dropped, and his hand came up to cup her cheek. “I see you, Cassie.”

  Her heart thrilled at the nickname he’d used in high school. Once. No one else ever called her that. Her hands came up and slid around the hard sides of his stomach. His body trembled. Her whole arms tingled.

  “You’re everything I want. I have to remind myself I can’t have you. Not looking makes it easier.”

  Her heart beat like a judge’s gavel trying to restore order in an out-of-control courtroom. His face was only millimeters from hers. The same small space separated their bodies. She pressed closer, and they were touching.

  He groaned. Low. Anguished. His face dropped, and his lips replaced his thumb, light and soft.

  She closed her eyes. Her hands slid up the hard ridges of his back.

  He let out another guttural sound, and his arms came ar
ound her, crushing her to him. The soft tingle of his lips on hers was replaced by a blazing heat as their mouths fused. The burning emotion that had lay banked in her body for years came roaring back to life, and suddenly she couldn’t get enough. Colors exploded behind her closed eyes. The world spun and heated and tilted crazily, while the only solid thing was Torque under her hands, his mouth on hers, his hands around her, pressing her against him.

  The kiss lasted an eternity and yet was too short. He pulled away, his breathing erratic. His hands ran up and down her back, feeling the tilt of her shoulders and the curve of her waist.

  “I’ll not wonder what I’m missing anymore. I’ll know. And it will make it a million times worse for me.” He dropped little, loving kisses up her face to her forehead, before tucking her head under his chin. “I’m sorry. Not for kissing you. For making it worse.” His chest jerked under her cheek as he snorted a laugh. “Maybe that didn’t shatter your world like it did mine.”

  Her arms tightened, and her eyes closed. It didn’t matter that he’d come from work and was covered in dirt. In his arms, she was home.

  She cleared her throat, hoping she didn’t sound like she’d swallowed a whistle when she spoke. “I’ve dreamed about that for a long time. It was definitely better than I’d imagined it to be.”

  “It’d get better with practice.” There was a smile in his voice.

  She smiled against his chest then lifted her head. “I’m willing to practice.”

  His teeth flashed white in the darkness. He palmed her head and tucked it back under his chin. “Me too. More than willing.” His fingers worked in the back of her head. With a small tug, her hair came free. Immediately his hands were in it. His heart stuttered against her cheek. “You smell good. Feel good. Look good.”

  He could run his hands through her hair all night long.

  “But I’m not doing you any favors right now.”

  “Maybe it would work out with the adoption agency.”

  His chest moved under her cheek. A deep, silent sigh. “Men don’t go to prison because they’re boy scouts.”

  “You didn’t do anything.”

  “Stop saying that. I paid the price. This is part of it. You wouldn’t have adopted Jamal if you’d paid. You wouldn’t be fostering the babies.”