Chasing Perfection: Vol. IV

by M. S. Parker

  I sat down on the edge of my bed and buried my head in my hands. Usually, when I was upset, I got angry, but I couldn’t manage anger this time. All that wanted to come were tears and, for the first time in a very long time, I let myself cry. I cried for the future I had never known I wanted and would now never have. I cried because I knew I could never be as good of a father as the one I’d had, but that I was all Emmett had. Mostly, though, I cried because I’d hurt the woman I loved, and I was only going to hurt her more before this was all over.

  Chapter 15

  Krissy

  I spent too much of that night crouched over the toilet off of the guest room, dry heaving since there was nothing left in my stomach to come up. I desperately wanted the comfort and safety of my room. My bathroom. I wanted to soak in my tub and wrap myself up in my robe. I wanted to sleep in my own bed. But most of all, I wanted it to be mine. My home that I had made with the man I loved, and I was afraid that I was never going to have that again. If I’d ever had it in the first place.

  I got maybe three hours’ sleep in all and I found myself wondering if DeVon’d had as rough a night as I had, or if he’d just slept straight through after emptying his head of whatever it was he’d been dwelling on all week. One thing I did know, he hadn’t been throwing up all night and half the morning.

  I heard him walk by at about five thirty but I didn’t go out to him. He didn’t stop, so I supposed he didn’t want to talk to me, either. Except I did want to talk to him. I wanted to know why he’d said those horrible things. Why he was being so cold and distant. I wanted to know what had happened this week that had changed everything. Or had it been changing for a while and I just hadn’t noticed?

  Finally, by about seven, I was tired of all the wondering, all of the conjecturing. I needed to have this done and over with. I couldn’t handle another day like this. Not now. I showered and dressed. Like I normally did when I wasn’t feeling well, I chose every garment carefully, applied my make-up and did my hair. When I finished, I looked in the mirror. If I hadn’t known how pale I was or about the bags under my eyes that my make-up was hiding, I would’ve thought I was just going in for another day of work.

  I’d chosen one of my favorite summer dresses, a cute pale green that was business casual with just a hint of sexy. Underneath, I was wearing the lingerie that Landon and I had chosen. It was sheer white lace that barely left anything to the imagination. It didn’t really make me feel better physically, but it did wonders for my own well-being.

  As I took the elevator up, I let myself feel all of the anger and frustration of the past week, let it give me the strength that Landon had said DeVon loved about me. I thought back on the other times I’d barged into his office, temper flaring, to confront him about something he’d done or said. Sometimes it had been a misunderstanding on my part. Other times, he’d done something worth my ire. In a matter of minutes, I’d know which it was this time.

  Melissa looked up when I stepped off the elevator, but she didn’t say anything, either to tell me not to go in or to encourage me to keep going. I gave her a nod of acknowledgement and then walked in.

  DeVon looked up and I almost faltered. He looked worse than I did, and considering the amount of time I’d spent in the bathroom, that was saying something. His hair was a mess, his face pale, and the bags under his eyes bigger than the ones under mine. I hadn’t noticed last night, but he looked like he’d lost weight, too. His clothes were rumpled and looked like he’d either slept in them or had picked them up off the floor. He didn’t look surprised to see me, but he didn’t look glad, either.

  “Krissy.” He leaned back in his chair, his shoulders slumped.

  I continued over to the desk, expecting him to come over and give me a kiss, but he didn’t. I put my fingertips on the desk, using it to keep me steady.

  “We need to talk.”

  A resigned expression passed over his face, mixed with something that looked like pain. I waited for him to start, but he didn’t.

  “Ever since we got back from New York, you’ve been acting weird. And then last night...” I paused, a pang going through me as I remembered what he’d said to me.

  “Look,” DeVon said. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry, Krissy. I shouldn’t have said that last night. I was tired–”

  “So was I!” I interrupted. My temper was starting to rise. How could he use being tired as an excuse to basically say that the place I’d been living for the past several months wasn’t my home, that I was just a guest in his place? “I’ve been fucking sick and tired since we got back, but I’m not blowing off my responsibilities or treating you like a stranger. I’m not the one who said–”

  “I have a son.”

  He said it quietly, but it was like an explosion had gone off. I stared at him, unsure I’d heard him correctly. “Say again?”

  He sighed and pushed himself out of the chair. He walked around the desk so that we were only a few inches apart. He started to reach out to me and then stuffed his hands in his pockets.

  “The day after we got back, a woman came into my office. I’d been with her about seven years ago. For a week.” His words were flat and he wasn’t looking at me. “I broke things off. She didn’t take it well. I had to take out a restraining order.”

  Oh, fuck. This was worse than I’d thought.

  “She came the other day and said that we had a son together. A six-year-old boy named Emmett.”

  The face of the boy from the park flashed in front of me, followed by the woman I’d seen flirting with DeVon. It all made sense. Her touching him. His tension, but not pushing her away.

  “I didn’t know.” His eyes flicked up to mine and I saw the anguish in them now. “I didn’t know.”

  My mind was spinning, and the lawyer in me caught up first. “And you’re sure that she’s telling the truth? That he’s your son?” His head jerked up. “Did you get a DNA test?”

  “I’m not stupid, Krissy,” DeVon snapped. He raked his hand through his hair. He turned away. “She told me his birthday. Told me when her last sexual encounter had been before she’d been with me, and when she’d fucked someone after me. The time doesn’t fit for anyone but me.”

  “But she could’ve lied,” I pressed. “It’s not like you’d be able to prove otherwise unless you get Emmett tested.”

  “She told me that she lied about being on the pill when we were together. And that she’d poked holes in the condoms we used because she wanted us to be together forever.” DeVon’s eyes were flashing. “I take care of my fucking responsibilities, Krissy!”

  “But what if he’s not yours?”

  “That’s what this is about, isn’t it?” He took a step towards me. “You don’t want him to be my son.”

  I stepped into him, my index finger a couple centimeters from his chest. “Don’t you dare put this on me. I don’t give a fuck if you have a son, a daughter or a whole fucking starting line-up! And don’t act like you’re so high and mighty. You’re the one who’s been lying to me for the past week. We’re supposed to be partners, DeVon! In business and in life and you kept me in the dark!”

  “Because I didn’t know what to do!”

  I blinked. I’d never heard that much anguish in DeVon’s voice.

  He reached up and cupped the side of my face. “She gave me an ultimatum, Krissy. I can’t be a part of Emmett’s life without being a part of hers.”

  My chest tightened. I had a feeling that wasn’t all.

  “And that means...I have to give you up.” His voice broke. “It’s you or my son.”

  I looked at him for a moment, the flurry of emotions inside me making it nearly impossible to think. And that was good because I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to think about what DeVon had been carrying alone because he didn’t want to hurt me. I didn’t want to think about that poor boy being used as a pawn. And I certainly didn’t want to think about the choice he had to make or what that choice would be. I already knew the a
nswer.

  I did the only thing I could do. I kissed him.

  I felt his surprise, and then his tongue was pushing between my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body against his, feeling his cock harden against my hip. One hand buried itself in my hair, yanking my head to the side as his mouth made its way down my neck, biting and sucking with an almost desperate haste.

  His need fed my own and I ran my hands down his chest to the waistband of his pants. I didn’t know what the future held, but I knew what I wanted now. The hand not currently buried in my hair ran down my back and up under the skirt of my dress. I moaned as his fingers caressed the back of my thigh and then slipped up to my ass. The heat of his palm radiated through the thin material.

  “I need you.” His voice was ragged as he lifted me onto the desk.

  I let my hands do the talking as I opened his pants and reached inside. He grabbed my breast, squeezing as I wrapped my fingers around his now-hard cock. He released me as he pushed my dress up around my waist and I spread my legs.

  “Babe?”

  I knew what his question was and I nodded my answer. It was going to hurt. I was barely wet. But I knew the pain would fade and DeVon would make it worth every bit of it. He pulled aside the crotch of my panties and buried himself inside me with one quick snap of his hips.

  I pressed my face against DeVon’s chest and screamed, muffling the sound and those that followed as he fucked me. My body shook as each stroke stretched me fast and hard. His thumb rubbed my clit, sending waves of pleasure through me, turning pain into something so much deeper, more intense. I squeezed my eyes closed, my nails digging at his back and ass as he thrust into me with brutal, rapid strokes. The world was reduced to the joining of our bodies, the sound of my name being repeated over and over again.

  Then my world exploded in a burst of white light and I clung to him, riding the waves of pleasure even as he continued to thrust into me. His hands tightened around me as he groaned, emptying himself inside me.

  “I love you,” he breathed into my ear. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too.” I raised my head and met his eyes. I reached up and brushed back his hair. “And we’ll figure this out. I’m not going anywhere.”

  He kissed me then, our bodies still joined. I meant what I’d said. I wasn’t going anywhere. I just didn’t add that I was going to find out the truth about Sasha and Emmett. One way or another.

  Chapter 16

  Krissy

  We didn’t talk about Sasha or Emmett or the choice DeVon had to make. We talked about work and what Landon had done. I told DeVon everything that had happened between Mayflower and me, including his offer and what I’d almost done. He hadn’t wasted time or energy being angry. He was enough like me that he understood my reasons. We had a conference call with Landon, as much to reassure him that we were okay as to touch base about his interview. I wasn’t entirely sure we were okay, but our friend didn’t need anything else to worry about.

  I didn’t go back to my office the rest of the day and DeVon didn’t question it. We worked mostly in silence, going through files and reading scripts. We sat on the couch, leaning against each other as if we were working from home. Lunch was ordered in and Melissa told us that DeVon’s three o’clock meeting with Steven Morrison had been rescheduled. She didn’t say it, but I suspected she’d been the one who’d done the rescheduling, not Steven. The expression on her face told me that she suspected something wasn’t quite right, but she was too much of a professional to ask.

  We left on time, picking up some take-out on the way to the penthouse, even though I suspected DeVon had as little appetite as I did. The nausea I’d been feeling since getting back from New York was gone, but in its place was that gnawing emptiness that came with receiving a huge shock.

  We didn’t make love that night, but we did spend hours soaking in our massive bathtub, holding each other until the water started to get cold. Then we went to bed and held each other there, neither one of us wanting to consider that we might have spent our last day together. I didn’t know who fell asleep first, or when it happened, only that when I opened my eyes, my pillow was wet from tears and DeVon was gone.

  A piece of paper rested on his pillow. I stared at it, willing it to disappear, praying that yesterday had been a bad dream. That everything that had happened since coming home had just been the product of airplane food and jet-lag. When nothing changed, I reached for the note. Pretending it wasn’t there wouldn’t change the message. I braced myself to have my heart torn out, and then opened it.

  Krissy, I’m sure you looked at this with more than a little trepidation, believing that I had taken the coward’s way out, unable to face you as I broke both our hearts. Nothing could be further from the truth.

  My heart gave a wild leap and I tried not to hope as I kept reading.

  I’ve been awake for a few hours, watching you sleep and trying to imagine giving you up. I can’t do it. To lose you would be to lose the best part of me, and what sort of father could I be without that part? Sasha wants to hurt me because I hurt her. She wants me to choose her, and I can’t do that. I’m going to see her and I’m going to do whatever it takes to convince her that I can’t lose you. I’m hoping that she’ll be satisfied to see me begging, to see herself as the one in control, the one with the power. If that doesn’t work, I’ll ask her to name her price. She’s said she doesn’t want the money, only for Emmett and the two of us to be a family, but I’m hoping that, when given the chance, she’ll take what she can get. If it means giving up Mirage and working in some factory, barely making ends meet, I’ll do it. I would hate to ask you to live like that, but if it’s the only way we can be together and I can see my son, I hope you would understand. More likely, she would ask for cash and come back every so often, threatening to take Emmett if she wasn’t given more, but that is a price I am willing to pay. You are the only price too costly. If she refuses, we will figure out another way, you and I, because we are partners. I love you.

  I read the last two sentences again.

  He’d chosen me.

  Tears burned my eyes and I took a slow breath, looking up at the ceiling as I tried to blink them back.

  He wasn’t giving up. That, I thought, was what had scared me the most about this whole thing. DeVon was a fighter. I’d known that from moment one and it had been one of the things about him that had both attracted and annoyed me. It was also what made him so good at his job. Soft people couldn’t succeed in this business. There had to be a fire, a fight inside that refused to give up. When he’d told me the choice Sasha had given him, he’d sounded resigned, as if there was nothing he could do. Now that I knew he wasn’t going to just do what Sasha wanted, relief flooded through me. I hadn’t been willing to admit how much the thought of losing him terrified me.

  I looked at the clock, surprised when I saw that it was mid-morning. I hadn’t slept that late in a long time, not unless I was sick. I didn’t know what time DeVon had left, but I was sure his conversation with Sasha wouldn’t be a short one. From the little he’d told me, she didn’t seem like the most stable and understanding of people. I had some dysfunctional people in my family, not the least of which was my narcissistic mother, but Sasha sounded like she was worse.

  I couldn’t pace around here, waiting for DeVon to call or show up. We hadn’t been staying here much, spending most of our time in our house, so there wasn’t really any tidying up to do. The cleaning crew would’ve come through on Thursday, and nothing had accumulated since then. I’d never be able to concentrate on a book or movie, even if I had felt like trying. I could leave a note and head out to the house, but I didn’t think that would be any better. The cleaning crew would’ve been through there yesterday while DeVon and I had been at work, so there wouldn’t be any busy work for me to do, and I was far too distracted to try anything else.

  For the first time in a long time, I wished I was back in New York. I didn’t want to be there beca
use I liked it better than LA or because I didn’t feel like this was home. In fact, it wasn’t really New York I wanted. It was Carrie. I want to be able to go to my friend’s place, curl up on the couch with her and pour out everything I was feeling while we waited for Dena and Leslie to come over. I had friends here, but none who I really felt comfortable sharing any of this with. Melissa and Tracy both worked here and I tried very hard not to bring up things about DeVon and my relationship with them. I would talk to Landon about things like that, but he’d had his interview yesterday and I didn’t think he needed anything else to worry about.

  I sighed. There was one place I could go where I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone asking questions and where the environment might make it easier to concentrate. It was stifling hot outside, despite noon being a couple hours away, so I chose a white sundress with little rosebuds. It wasn’t quite right for a normal work day, but it would be fine for today. I wanted something bright and cheery. I firmly believed that the way a person dressed could affect the mood they were in as well as the one they projected. It was one of the reasons I often dressed up when I felt like shit.

  It was about ten-thirty when I hailed a cab and had it take me to Mirage. I could’ve called one of the town cars, but I didn’t want to call one, have it drop me off and then have to call it back a couple hours later because DeVon was at the apartment. I’d left him a note saying where I was and explaining that I hadn’t called him because I hadn’t wanted to interrupt if he was in the middle of something. I also didn’t want to run the risk of Sasha seeing who was calling and that setting her off.