Nick paused, and he sighed. “Maybe.”
She nodded and dropped her gaze. “I think so, too. And I wish I hadn’t. I can’t go back and make it better, and now that I’m here in Mountain Springs again, the things I want to fix are too far in the past to make right.”
She was trying to tell him something, and in his gut he felt the direction this was going.
“This place is still a part of you,” he said. Wasn’t it?
“It is,” she agreed. “It always will be, but this is my hometown. It isn’t Drew’s.”
Nick frowned. “He’ll make memories here, too.”
Jen looked at him, and he could see the sadness in her eyes.
“I raised him in Denver,” she said, slowly shaking her head. “That’s the life he knows. His dad is out there, his family on Sam’s side. And you know what? I had my parents growing up, and they were what made me resilient. If I raise Drew away from his father, it will let Sam off easy, and Drew will be the one to suffer.”
“Jen—” Nick tugged at her fingers so that she looked up at him. “Are you thinking about leaving?”
She was silent for a moment, her brow furrowing. Her breath was shallow, and when she looked toward him again, tears welled in her eyes. “I think I have to.”
“Why?” He wanted to fix this, to give her a reason to stay, because if she left—He didn’t even want to think about how that would feel right now.
“Sam isn’t a great father on his own,” Jen said quietly. “I’m not taking responsibility for his shortfalls. But my son needs his father, and if we stay out here, Drew won’t have one—at least not a decent relationship with him.”
“And watching me with my daughter—didn’t help, I guess,” he said quietly.
“I think I saw what could happen,” she admitted. “You were just as hurt as your daughter in that arrangement.”
Great. Jen was making the hard choice and putting her son first—avoiding his regrets—and that meant she couldn’t stay. The irony was like a punch to the stomach.
“What will you do?” he asked. “You’ve bought the mansion...”
“Angelina offered to take if off my hands if I decided not to stay,” she replied. “It would be a quick sale.”
“Okay...” He felt his chest constrict. “So...this is it?”
“Nick, I’m a mom!” Tears welled in Jen’s eyes, and she seemed to be searching for something in his face. “The right thing is seldom the easy thing. I have a child. My obligations don’t stop with a divorce. You know that as well as I do. This can’t be about me. Drew’s dad is already putting a new girlfriend ahead of him, and my son needs to be the top priority for his mom right now. Maybe even the only priority. He needs that.”
Nick nodded slowly, sadness welling up inside him.
“I get it,” he said. “You’re a better woman than most, Jen. And I’ve only just gotten to know you—” The words choked off.
A Christmas tree was lit through the windows of one of the row houses, and Nick looked toward it. Just another home with a family inside, celebrating the holidays, and he envied them. He was imagining a little family inside—a husband, a wife, a couple of kids. They’d be thinking about their own Christmas, and probably how they’d afford it, and they’d have no idea that they had more than he did, a man who was financially comfortable with only a dog for company most of the time.
“I wish you could stay,” he said, his voice tight with emotion. “The thing is, I have feelings for you, and I tried not to. I really did. But the thought of you leaving now—” He dropped his gaze down to their entwined fingers.
“Yeah...” she breathed.
“Yeah, what?” he pressed, and his breath caught in his chest.
“It’ll be hard for me, too,” she whispered. “Really hard. I’ll be giving up more than the gallery. I’ll be giving up—” She took a breath and stopped.
“Giving up...” he prompted.
“You!” she breathed. “I’d be giving up you...”
Nick leaned toward her and covered her lips with his, smothering the rest of her words. She fell into his kiss and he felt like he would melt, with Jen’s hair brushing his shoulder and the soft scent of her filling him up. She kissed him back with a wistful longing, and when he pulled back and looked down into her dewy eyes, his heart was full of emotions that both overwhelmed him and scared him, too. But he knew what this was.
“I love you, Jen,” he whispered.
He hadn’t meant to say it, but once the words were out, he knew they were true. He loved her, and he’d never meant to get his heart involved. He looked down at her, waiting for her to say something, but she didn’t, and his heart thudded to a stop.
But he couldn’t take it back.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
JEN BLINKED UP at Nick, and she knew that she felt the same way. She’d been avoiding it, trying to call it something else, but she’d done it again—fallen too fast and too hard. But she couldn’t do this! Her son needed at least one parent focused on him right now. He needed stability...and he needed that stability in Denver. What did it matter what she felt for Nick? It wouldn’t work! She had other obligations—her heart would never be her own to hand over again.
“Jen?” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” she said, and she felt tears prick her eyes.
“Good—” His lips brushed hers again, and she leaned into his embrace. His kisses, the tickle of his beard, the way his breath warmed her face... It felt so right and so safe, even though it was impossible.
She pulled back. “I can’t do this, Nick. I think it was good for me to come back, maybe make a few connections with my past again, but I have to do the right thing. I can’t put my heart ahead of my son’s.” Her breath caught in her throat.
“You’re a good mom,” he said. “But what about what you need? I don’t think that should be just tossed aside.”
“I need my son in my life, and if he’s miserable, my ex is going for custody,” she said.
“Then fight it,” he said.
“I don’t have the emotional energy to take on a custody battle!” she said. “Is that what you’re really asking me to do?”
He shook his head. “No, of course not...”
“What I need doesn’t matter right now. I can worry about myself later,” she said. “Drew needs stability, and he needs family.”
“But you do, too,” he said.
“I’ll make my peace with the rest of my stuff later,” she said. “It’ll have to wait.”
Just like she’d done before—running to Denver, marrying Sam, putting her own past aside in order to move forward. She could see the pattern even now, but this wasn’t about her own inclinations anymore. This was about what Drew needed.
“We’re two people who fell in love with each other, and as of a week ago,” she added, “neither of us were in a place for a relationship. What changed, exactly?”
Nick sighed and he leaned back in his seat. He looked down at her, his heart shining through his eyes, and she could see the jumble of emotions there.
“I want to be enough for you,” he said quietly. “But you’re right. Nothing has really changed—except our feelings. You’re amazing—beautiful, smart, sexy... You’re very easy to fall in love with, but I’m not quite so easy to be with for a woman like you...”
“Like me?” she asked.
“I’ve done this before, too,” he said, his voice low. “You’re educated, you have money behind you now, you’ve got ambitions for an art gallery and you think about the world differently than I do. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that getting older only makes me more of what I am. I’m not going to improve. This is it—and I’m not a smooth, educated guy. I won’t talk political theory with you, or the deeper meaning in art. I work with my hands, and I fix stuff. And yea
h, I create beauty, but I’m the kind of guy that women like you hire. You might even appreciate my uncomplicated way of seeing things when you’re feeling off balance. But not for the long haul.”
Women like her.
“I hired you because I was told you were the best,” she said. “I’m not some rich woman all high above you. I grew up there—” She pointed at the row houses, her finger shaking.
“Yeah, but you’re a step above me now, Jen.” He met her gaze and shrugged. “It’s not about social status...or maybe it is. Right now we’re aiming at different worlds. If we followed our feelings, you’d start getting frustrated with me. Because a big, tough lug like me can be comforting when everything is falling down around you, but when that tough lug just keeps on the same way he’s always been, a woman with more adventure in her future starts to feel antsy. It’s nice to be comforted, but that doesn’t last forever. I’ve learned that the hard way.”
“You don’t think you’d make me happy,” she said.
“Do you?” he asked.
How could she know that? Right now, for today, and tomorrow, and maybe even for a year, yes, she could be blissfully happy in this man’s arms. But what if Drew was miserable? What if he was determined to go live with his dad? Boys didn’t always warm up to the men their mothers dated. It was hard for them, and Drew had been through a lot lately. He’d already felt the sting of his dad putting his girlfriend first. She knew for a fact that she couldn’t be happy while her son wasn’t.
“Look.” Nick reached for her hand again when she hadn’t answered. “You’ve got to do what you know is right for you. I can’t talk you out of it, even if I want to. Because no matter how well I argue it, or how much you want to believe me, you know what you need. And we can’t talk our way out of that.”
She knew what she wanted, but she’d followed her hopes before and been stung by it. What did she need? She needed her son in her life, as an absolute minimum, and she needed a respectable path on her own while she got her balance after this divorce. She needed family. And she needed to be able to look back in this transition in her life and be proud of herself, be confident in what she’d created. She didn’t want to need a man to make her feel whole.
“I need to do this on my own,” Jen said, her voice choked with tears. “And that’s all I’m really certain of right now.”
“That’s fair,” he said quietly.
Jen turned her gaze toward the row houses—number seven just up ahead. Not much had changed—a few porches had been painted over the years, but that was about it. There were the same chain-link fences surrounding tiny yards piled with snow. A few plastic light-up Frosties stood in the yards. There must have been a sale at the hardware store.
And staring at that familiar street, she could see a girl in her mind’s eye—blond hair, a coat that was a size too small—marching down that snowy sidewalk, her heart reaching for a life beyond this one.
Jen had come home looking for something she’d left behind, but maybe it wasn’t something here, after all. Maybe she’d just needed to say goodbye.
“Should I take you home?” Nick asked.
“Please.” She wiped a tear from her cheek. “I’m sorry, Nick.”
“Don’t be,” he said. “I wanted to come tonight, and I’m glad I did.”
Still? Even after they realized that whatever this was couldn’t happen between them? She looked over at him and found his eyes fixed resolutely on the road, his jaw tense. He was a good man, and she loved him...but love wasn’t going to be enough this time around.
* * *
THAT EVENING JEN picked her son up from Lisa’s place. Bram had fallen asleep on the couch, and Lisa and Drew had just finished watching a movie while munching on popcorn.
“Thanks for this, Lis,” Jen said as her son put on his boots.
“Anytime.” Lisa shot her nephew a grin. “It was fun, right?”
“Yeah,” Drew said, and he yawned. “Thanks, Aunt Lisa.”
“Are you okay?” Lisa asked, lowering her voice. “You look like you’ve been crying.”
Jen shook her head. “I’m fine.”
She couldn’t talk about this in front of her son anyway. She’d made her decision, and Drew didn’t need any added pressure.
“I’m going to come over more often, Lisa,” Jen said earnestly. “Like, obnoxiously often. And I’m going to be here for holidays and special days for Bram. I’m going to be a better sister.”
“Yeah, sure.” Lisa looked at her uncertainly. “Hey, we’ll be fine, okay? I know I’ve been hard on you, but I think we’re doing better. Don’t you?”
“I think so,” Jen agreed. “Good enough that you’ll stop writing about me?”
Lisa chuckled. “Don’t flatter yourself. You don’t feature in that many of my stories. I have my own life, you know.”
Jen hoped she stopped being inspiring altogether. All she wanted right now was something safe and warm...somewhere she could piece together her heart all over again.
“I’ll see you later,” Jen said, and she forced a smile. “Come on, Drew. Let’s get home.”
For as long as that old house would be home. There was no point in unpacking. Buying this place had been emotional and impulsive, and Drew needed both of his parents in his life. She’d miss the life she’d hoped for, though, and the thought of handing that old place over to Angelina put a lump in her throat. But this couldn’t be an emotional decision anymore—this had to be what was best for her and Drew together. So she’d miss that old house, Mountain Springs and all of her plans for a gallery, but she’d miss her son more if she messed this up. She could live with a few delayed ambitions, but Drew came first—always.
* * *
NICK DIDN’T SLEEP well that night. He lay awake in bed, his curtain open a little. That hadn’t been intentional, but he could see across the road to Jen’s place. The old mansion was dark. What would it be like after she left? There would always be a part of him that looked across and hoped to see Jen in the window, phone in hand, and his heart squeezed at the thought of it.
He knew better than to try and stop a woman from doing what she had to do... It wasn’t that he’d tried to stop Shari, but he should have looked at the whole package before he’d proposed to her. She’d been wrong for him, just vulnerable in the moment. Her mother had just passed away, and she’d been looking for comfort. Was he doing the same thing again with Jen?
Because Shari hadn’t started out being mean, either. That took time. The breakdown of a marriage took two people, and he wasn’t ignoring his responsibility in that.
Amelia was heading out to Aspen in the morning. Christmas without her... What was it about him that was never quite enough for the women in his life? He aimed too high—that was his problem. He should find a woman around town who wanted the quiet life that he did—like Bev. But his heart just wouldn’t cooperate, even though a woman like Bev would be good for him. Then he stumbled across a woman he knew would be all wrong, and he fell in love.
He did finally sleep, and when he got up the next morning, he started a pot of cream of wheat for Amelia. At the very least, he’d send her off with some hot breakfast in her stomach. He was a dad. This was part of the job.
The cereal was ready when Amelia came downstairs, carrying her packed bag.
“Breakfast,” he said.
Amelia put down her bag and came to the kitchen table. She cast him a tired smile.
“How did you sleep last night?” Nick asked.
“Not great. I was chatting with Ben,” she said.
Yeah, he’d heard the murmur of her voice late last night while he’d been sitting up with his own heartbreak.
“You miss him?” he asked.
“I really do...” She reached for the brown sugar and began to doctor her bowl of hot cereal. She worked with the same methodical attention to detail that she pu
t into anything she cared about, and he watched her as she poured some milk on top, then took her first bite.
“Can I give you one piece of advice?” Nick asked. “Take it or leave it, but just one little thing.”
Amelia looked up at him, then swallowed. “Okay.”
“Don’t change for him,” Nick said quietly. “You’re wonderful just as you are. And if he can’t see that plain as day, then find someone who does see it.”
Amelia sighed. “That’s your advice for marriage?”
He could hear the veiled judgment in her tone. He wasn’t her expert on happy marriage, that much was clear.
“I was married. You’ve never been married before. I just might know what I’m talking about,” he said and smiled sadly. “You’re not going to scare me off, Amelia. You need to hear this. If you want to marry Ben, I’ll support you, but take it from someone who has already gotten his heart broken. Trying to be something that someone wants doesn’t work in the long run. I tried it with your mom. As time goes by, you just become more of yourself. If the person you marry doesn’t like that so much, it only makes life together harder and harder until...you’d rather not be married anymore. So marry someone who sees you, knows you and loves you just as you are.”
“Ben loves me,” she said.
“I believe you,” he said with a nod. “Just...think about it.”
He wasn’t going to guilt her for following her heart this Christmas. Maybe it would be the beginning of a lifetime love for her, or maybe it would be a learning experience. Either way, he wanted to send his daughter off with his voice in the back of her mind, telling her that she was worth more than this Ben fellow seemed to be offering.
“I have a Christmas gift for you,” Amelia said, and she pulled out a gift bag and passed it over. He opened it to reveal a pair of rather expensive-looking suspenders.
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