by Teri Wilson
“Of course. I’ll go get his bottle ready.” Wade handed her the baby, and her face lit up as Nick settled into her arms.
Wade took extra care preparing the bottle, heating the water to just the right temperature, leveling off the scoops of formula with the edge of a butter knife and testing the results on the inside of his wrist. He’d done this so many times by now that it seemed inconceivable he’d only just mastered it. So much in his life had changed—for the better—and all the while he’d been telling himself not to hold on too tightly to it. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t his future, but just a fleeting Christmas fantasy.
Not anymore. Seeing Felicity share coffee with Brad Walker had rattled him to his core, and now he was ready to fight for what he wanted. Felicity and Nick weren’t just a fantasy. They were his family. All he needed to do was convince Felicity she felt the same way.
Wade took a deep breath. He could do this. He was certain Felicity wanted the same thing. He could see it in the tenderness in her eyes every time she looked at Nick. He could feel it in the way the air between them always seemed to swirl with heat and adoration and all the words they’d both been too afraid to say.
And Wade felt it again when he walked back into the living room and heard Felicity’s sweet voice, as soft as an angel as she sung Nick another Christmas lullaby.
Hushaby, hushaby.
Christmas night.
Lullaby, lullaby.
Angel in white.
His throat closed as he stood in the doorway, clutching the bottle and watching them together. Had he honestly thought he could just do this temporarily and walk away unscathed when it was over? What a fool he’d been.
Felicity glanced up at him. She stopped singing and tilted her head. “You look like you want to say something.”
So many things. There were a million things he wanted to say, but in the end, all he could manage was a single word. “Stay.”
Her smile dimmed, beautiful blue eyes narrowing as if she was having trouble understanding his meaning. “I’m right here. Don’t worry—I wasn’t planning on going anywhere anytime soon.”
But Wade could see the slight flash of panic glittering in her gaze. And as he moved to sit down beside her, he could see the boom of her pulse galloping into overdrive along the graceful curve of her neck.
He took a deep breath. “I think you know what I mean, sweetheart.”
Her eyes went immediately glassy at his use of an endearment. It had just slipped out. Slow down, she’s not ready.
But Wade couldn’t have reeled the words back in, even if he’d tried.
“He needs you.” I need you. He very nearly said it, but something about the look in her eyes stopped him. “Let’s do this, you and me. For real.”
Forever.
“I...I...” She handed Nick over to him so she could wrap her arms around herself, and Wade got the definite sense it was some sort of primitive instinct to try to hold herself together.
What had he done, damn it?
“It’s okay. Whatever is wrong, we can deal with it. I want this, and I know you want it, too,” Wade said as evenly as he could. He just needed to stay calm, and everything would be all right. Felicity had been caught off guard, but once she realized he was serious, they’d work things out.
“I can’t.” She shook her head just as Nick started to cry. “Wade, please don’t ask me. You don’t understand.”
He gave Nick the bottle and did his best to calm the panicked beating of his heart. “Then talk to me, sweetheart. Help me understand.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, Wade. I do. I promise I do.” She shook her head as her bottom lip began to tremble—an aching hint of tender vulnerability that nearly tore Wade’s heart in two. He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss it away. He wanted to promise her that they could do this. Whatever was wrong, it would be all right. Wade would make it right. He’d do anything.
“We both want it. That’s all that matters—we can figure out the rest.” He smiled at her, but it just seemed to make her more upset.
“No, we can’t. I know it seems easy to you, but it’s not. Trust me. I’ve been down this road before, and there’s nothing but heartbreak at the end of it.” She stood and started pacing back and forth in front of the Christmas tree.
She was afraid—clearly—and Wade desperately needed to know why. He couldn’t fix things until he understood what had gone wrong. “Tell me? Please?”
Felicity stopped pacing and took a few deep breaths the way she always did in yoga class. “Remember the Christmas card that came a few days ago? The one with the picture of my cousin Lori and her baby?”
Of course he remembered. She’d gone completely pale when he’d noticed the card fall out of the pocket of her sweater. It was as if she’d seen a ghost.
Oh, no. He closed his eyes and dropped his head as the painful truth dawned on him. Felicity had seen a ghost when she looked at the picture—the ghost of her Christmas past.
Wade looked up at her, heart twisting in his chest as Nick kept tugging gently on his bottle. “That was the baby, wasn’t it? The one you fostered?”
She nodded, blinking back tears. “I had her for six months, since the day she was born. The adoption papers had all been filled out. All we had left was one final court date—a formality. Or so I thought. Lori changed her mind, and it was like everything that had happened since the moment I first held little Ariel had just been a dream. I had to give her up, right then and there in the courtroom.”
“Oh, Felicity.” No wonder she’d said no when the social worker first asked her to care for Nick. He’d known Felicity had connected with the sweet baby right from the start, and he’d never been able to figure out why she’d gotten so spooked and run away from the firehouse the night he’d been abandoned.
Everything was clicking into place now, though.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “That must have been really hard.”
“You have no idea.” She inhaled a shuddering breath. “I gave my cousin a place to stay while she was pregnant because her parents had kicked her out. I took her to each and every doctor appointment. She wanted to give the baby up and asked me to take her. I said yes right from the start.”
She paused for a minute, then shook her head. “I never saw it coming. If she’d changed her mind earlier or given me any hint she was having second thoughts, I might have been prepared. But I was completely blindsided.”
“When exactly did this happen, again?” Wade asked, but he had a feeling he already knew.
“Just a few months before I came to Lovestruck,” she said, confirming his suspicions. “I needed a fresh start. I needed space to breathe. I couldn’t stay in New York. Lori and Ariel are still my family, and I’ll always love them both. But seeing them at family dinners and holiday celebrations hurt too much. Lovestruck seemed lovely when I was here for Madison and Jack’s wedding, so I decided to start over right here in Vermont.”
And within weeks, another helpless baby had been thrust into her arms.
The timing was admittedly terrible. Wade wished he could take it back, but they’d gone too far down this road together. They were both too attached to Nick. No matter what Felicity tried to tell herself, she was in love with that child. Wade knew that better than anyone—maybe even better than Felicity herself did.
“If we tried to adopt Nick, it could happen all over again. You know that, right?” Felicity choked on a sob. “I couldn’t handle it. Not again.”
“Felicity, sweetheart.” Wade set the bottle down on the table and stood to wrap his free arm around her, but she stiffened and turned her face away from the baby in the crook of his other elbow. “Listen to me. The three of us belong together. I know we do. It’s not going to happen again.”
And if it does, you won’t have to go through it alone this time. I’ll be here.
/> Wade pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and as the seconds passed, she melted into him. Her arms slipped around him, and she balled the back of his ratty old LFD T-shirt into her fists as if she were holding on to him for dear life.
Then she tipped her face upward, and for a sweet, sublime moment, he could see beyond the fear in her expression. There was nothing but love shining back at him from the depths of her cornflower blue eyes—and a yearning that somehow mirrored how he felt inside every time he looked at her. She let out the softest of sighs, and his gaze dropped to her mouth. Her lips were just a whisper away, pink and perfect, and in an instant he knew that all the waiting and all the wanting had been leading up to this moment—when he could seal his promise to her with a kiss. Their first...
“It’s all going to be okay,” he whispered. “I promise.”
A tear slipped down her cheek, but at the same time, her hand splayed against his back, pulling him closer and closer as she rose up on her tiptoes. Every part of Wade’s body and soul ached for her. He groaned under his breath, and then dipped his head, but in the aching second before his mouth crashed down on hers, Nick let out a happy little cry.
Felicity’s eyes flew open. She froze, and as every last bit of color drained from her face, Wade could feel the magic in the air between them slip away, like a swirl of snow with no place to land.
She shook her head and backed away. “Please, Wade, please. Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep.”
Chapter Thirteen
She’d done the right thing.
It really hadn’t been a choice, no matter how much Wade had tried to make it seem like one. He knew he couldn’t promise that everything would turn out all right. Nick didn’t belong to him any more than he belonged to Felicity. The truth of the matter was that they’d just been playing house. It might have looked real from the outside, and it had certainly felt real at times, but it wasn’t.
Saying no to him had been the right thing—the only thing, as far as Felicity was concerned. It was just too bad that she kept having to remind herself that walking away hadn’t been the biggest mistake of her life.
“Felicity, honey? Is everything okay?”
She glanced up and found Alice looking at her, features etched with concern. All the knitting ladies were spread around the room on their yoga mats, sitting cross-legged as they waited for class to begin. The older ladies were always early birds, while the firefighters tended to breeze inside at the last possible minute. Felicity wasn’t even sure they’d show up today, though—Wade, in particular.
“Sorry.” She forced a smile. “I guess I just zoned out for a minute.”
She’d been doing that a lot in the two days since Wade had told her he thought they should adopt Nick. One minute, she’d be standing at the counter in the Bean, about to place her order. And the next, the barista would be clearing his throat repeatedly, prompting her to snap out of her trance and tell him what she wanted. It was getting a little unsettling.
Not as unsettling as playing her part in the living nativity scene alongside Wade at the Christmas festival, though. Felicity hadn’t known what to expect the day after their heartfelt moment in front of the Christmas tree. Wade had left early for work the following morning, and she hadn’t heard a word from him all day. She’d half expected to arrive at the festival in her Mary robes and find that he’d gotten a substitute to play the part of Joseph. She’d almost hoped he would.
But when he’d come running up to the makeshift crèche, the relief coursing through her veins had been almost debilitating. She’d gone quite literally weak in the knees. And when he’d smiled at her and kissed her lightly on the cheek before taking his place beside her, she’d had to blink back tears.
What was she supposed to think? He hadn’t mentioned their middle-of-the-night conversation at all in the past two days. It was almost as though it had never taken place. She wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or disappointed.
Relieved, obviously. At least he wasn’t trying to change her mind.
“Morning, ladies.” Wade flashed a wave as he entered the studio with his yoga mat tucked under his arm and four other firefighters following on his heels. “I hope we’re not too late.”
Alice and the knitting club members all cast expectant glances at Felicity. Every last one of them.
How many times was Felicity going to have to tell the people of Lovestruck that she and Wade weren’t a couple? The entire town seemed to be holding its breath, waiting for them to announce they were secretly engaged or something. It was getting harder and harder to convince anyone otherwise. Felicity wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep insisting she wasn’t in love with Wade Ericson and that they weren’t a couple and never would be.
Probably because every time she had to repeat such sentiments she felt like she was lying through her teeth. Damn Wade and his foolishly optimistic heart.
“You’re right on time,” she said as her heart twisted into a thoroughly confused knot.
Wade crossed to the front of the room to give Nick a tender kiss hello. Felicity had set him up just a few feet away on a pile of soft quilts with his favorite portable mobile hanging overhead. He lit up at the sight of Wade and fumbled at his tiny feet, a potential natural at happy baby pose
For the following hour, Felicity did her best to act like a proper yoga teacher and live in the moment. No more looking back. She had to stop reliving the painful conversation with Wade, unless she was willing to change her mind and try to make it work as a family—which she was not.
The number of things that could go wrong was endless, and nothing about Wade’s charm and enthusiasm could stop them.
Also, she and Wade had never even kissed, for goodness’ sake. People who committed to raising a baby together—for life—should be in love, shouldn’t they?
Am I in love? Is he? Felicity pressed her face against her knees in the forward fold position and blamed the butterflies swirling around her belly on the lack of blood flow to her brain. No one was in love. Clearly.
If Wade loved her, he would have told her so. I love you would have been a great intro to a conversation about being a family. The best, really. Not that anything about her relationship with Wade had gone according to plan or proper order. They’d been doing things backward all along. Why change things up now?
“Downward dog, everyone!” Felicity peeked under her arm for a glimpse of Wade.
He wasn’t a family man. He’d told her so himself on numerous occasions. He’d simply inhaled too much baby powder or something and forgotten who he really was. Wade didn’t really want them to adopt Nick together. It was a crazy idea.
As he moved into position, his biceps flexed in the same way they always did when he lifted Nick out of his crib. Felicity’s ovaries practically sighed. She squeezed her eyes shut and led the class straight into a gentle upward dog or cobra position, yogi’s choice.
“Just remember to open your heart,” she said, forcing her eyes open so she could check everyone’s form in the mirrored wall at the front of the room. “That’s the most important part.”
The yoga ladies smiled back at her. Their flexibility had improved so much in the past few weeks. It warmed Felicity’s heart to think about how much stronger each one of them was getting, day by day. The firemen all seemed so much more relaxed than they had when they rushed in for class. Most of them had their eyes shut.
Not Wade, though. When Felicity’s gaze snagged on his reflection, his eyes locked with hers. For a brief, unguarded moment, his trademark lopsided grin slipped, and the look in his eyes became so achingly bittersweet and reminiscent of how he’d looked in the glow of the Christmas lights two night ago, that she forgot how to breathe. It was the most basic rule of yoga—breathe. In, out, in, out. And then the second...
Open your heart.
She looked away, because nothing had changed. S
he still couldn’t do it. She just wasn’t ready. She might never be ready, and the longer she let Wade hold on to hope, the worse she’d feel after Christmas when they turned Nick over to a new family—hopefully a permanent one this time. There was only one way to put an end to this emotional torture for both of them.
It was time to call Brad Walker.
* * *
According to the chirpy receptionist at Lovestruck Real Estate, Brad was out of the office for the morning. But less than ten minutes after Felicity left her name and number, his assistant called her back. Would she be available to meet Mr. Walker at the Bean around two in the afternoon?
Yes. Yes, she would.
Felicity was slightly surprised he wanted to meet at the Bean, of all places, given what had happened the last time they’d had coffee there together. But why shouldn’t they meet at the Bean? She wasn’t doing anything wrong. The studio was her business, and closing it was the smart thing to do.
The only problem was that the weather was looking a little ominous. Wade had been called into work, even though it was supposed to be his day off. Cap was anticipating traffic-related problems due to heavy snowfall, and he wanted all hands on deck until late afternoon when the storm warning was over. Felicity didn’t want to take Nick outside if she could avoid it, even though the Bean was just a short walk from the yoga studio. Luckily, Alice was delighted when Felicity asked if she could leave Nick with her at the yarn store next door.
“Thank you so much for this, Alice. I won’t be gone long. I just have a quick business meeting this afternoon.” Felicity tucked Nick into his bouncy seat behind the front counter, where he smiled from ear to ear when he caught sight of Alice’s little dog, Toby.
A hairless Chinese crested, Toby looked more like a cartoon character than an actual canine. He had delicate little legs, smooth gray skin and a dramatic swoop of long hair on the tip-top of his head. The only other fur on his body was the white fringe around his ankles, Shetland pony–style. Alice dressed him up every day in sweaters she knit herself. Felicity had never seen him in the same one twice, which made her love him all the more. Toby was a true fashionista. She was certain he’d rather die of starvation than eat a Birkin bag.