by Emily Albert
Being her friends, they did, of course, notice, and grabbed her arms to pull her back. Hael tried this time: “What’s wrong, Lenna?” Her voice was quiet and calm—comforting, but not enough to pull Lenna’s problems out of her.
“Nothing,” she said, wiping her eyes. “Really, it’s the flowers. The pollen is getting to me.” She made a shrugging gesture she hoped was nonchalant enough.
It wasn’t, apparently, and Avery said with a mischievous smile, “I know what will cheer you up.”
The three happy friends looked at each other and smiled knowingly.
“I know exactly what you’re thinking, and it’s a wonderful idea,” Hael said.
“Yes, definitely. It’ll be just like old times,” Sierra said with a nudge.
Avery dragged her by the arm until they reached an opening with a huge fountain in the middle, water spraying impressively from its center. Avery looked back and smiled at her, and the other two girls followed suit. Avery opened her arms wide as if showcasing something she had great pride in.
As young children, the girls had often played in this fountain, cooling off in the summer and splashing themselves until their whole bodies were soaked.
Lenna forced a smile. They were kind; they were trying.
“There you go!” Avery said triumphantly.
The three excited girls ran up to the fountain, took their shoes off, climbed onto the wall border, and dipped their feet in. Satisfied with the temperature, they held their dresses up and stepped all the way in. They giggled as if they were ten years old again, not eighteen or nineteen, and gestured for Lenna to join them.
Reluctantly, Lenna followed her friends into the fountain. The water was too cold, and when they splashed her, she sighed with irritation. They didn’t notice, just kept splashing and laughing. Water dripped down into the low neckline of her dress and soaked her corset. The water faded the bright blue skirt to an ugly, dull navy. It was unbearable, and she didn’t know how the others could stand it. They were children, unaware of discomfort as long as they were having fun.
Lenna watched the three girls, so carefree, happy, comfortable. As they played, Lenna stood squirming with cold waves hitting her legs. It was disappointing to not be one of them anymore, but she knew this would be the last time she gathered with her friends.
FOUR
When Lenna went back into her mother’s room, Remy was at her bedside. They didn’t look at her as she walked in, and she tried not to disturb the peace. Remy turned his head minutely and smiled at her as she walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. The light in the room was starting to brighten after the rain, but the air was still and heavy.
“Mother, would you like me to open a window?”
After a few moments she said quietly, “Yes, dear, if you would like, that would be nice.”
She opened them all and said, “You know, Mother it’s good for you to get fresh air. I know how you like being outside.” When she closed her eyes in response, she said with extreme patience, “Maybe we should take you outside? We could see the horses. Remy, will you take her out with me?”
“If she wants to. She hasn’t been doing well.”
“I know she hasn’t been doing well, but she’s been cooped up in this cave for days. You know she likes to be outside. I want to do what’s best for her, what will help her get better.”
“I am doing what is best for her, Lenna. I’m letting her rest. I’m reading to her.” He held up a leather-bound book that looked like it might have been filled in by hand. “I’m keeping her company, and it would be nice if you would stay and do the same. Oh, and I was just in the infirmary and they said they would send a nurse down to look at her immediately—”
“I’m right here,” Fay said tiredly. “There’s no need to talk about me this way.”
This silenced her children for a moment.
“She—Mother, I don’t think you need a nurse. Do you feel sick? I mean, Remy… Mother, I hate to be so blunt, but are you not grieving for our father? I know how hard it is for you.”
“You look like you feel sick. Why don’t you finish the soup I brought you?” Remy opened his mouth to say something else but closed it as soon as Fay opened her eyes and propped her head up. “You two don’t need to worry about me, although I do appreciate your company. It sure does feel like some kind of sickness, but I will be okay. I guess I’ve been feeling kind of… I don’t know, sad? I guess I’m getting old, I just don’t enjoy life quite like I used to. But again, you two have nothing to worry about.” She took Lenna’s hand and tried to laugh. “I’m just having some little problems, is all. I’ll figure it out, and I will be fine.”
Lenna and Remy looked at each other with grim faces, and she saw that Remy was starting to cry. He was desperately trying to fix their mother, but he couldn’t, at least not in this way. Lenna dropped to the floor next to him, hugged him, and whispered in his ear, “We’ll do something. Together. This is not yours alone.”
When they parted, she saw that he still had tears in his eyes, but he smiled at her, then at their mother.
Lenna wished she could be more upset. She wished she could be like Remy, devoting all her energy to her mother. Her mother deserved that much. She used to be like him, and still tried. But her guardian made her want to take care of herself, too.
That’s right. Let her go.
“No,” she muttered with her head turned away from her family.
Her mother needed her to be strong. She could be strong.
You’ll be stronger when you let her go.
Lenna looked back to her mother. Fay was weak and powerless. Her guardian was right; she couldn’t be like that.
Before she could process this, someone knocked on the door. A nurse came in with a guard, whom Remy dismissed as he stood. The woman walked in toward Fay’s bed. “Hello. My name is Ana.” She looked at Remy, then Fay, unsure. “What’s the problem, Majesty? Your Highness?” She settled on Fay. “Are you all right?”
Fay started to protest, but Remy explained, “She’s been feeling very ill. She says she’s okay, but she lies in bed all day, never moving or getting up. And you heard what happened in town, I trust. We should not discuss it too far, but surely that indicates a serious issue—headaches, fevers. Dizziness would be troublesome! We cannot let her faint, and maybe that is why she wants to be in bed so often. It’s a terrible situation, surely, and she puts on a brave face, but she likely does need treatment—”
“Ana, I don’t think she is ill, necessarily. She’s just been having a hard time. But you’re welcome to examine her.” Lenna interjected, receiving another glare from Remy.
Ana looked back and forth between the siblings, then, nervously walked toward Fay with her bag of equipment. Fay was somewhat sharp, looking around at everyone and listening, but she seemed too overwhelmed to say anything except, “I’m sorry. I’m okay, really. They worry.”
The nurse assured her it was okay. “W-would you like to be alone for the examination, Majesty?” Fay shook her head, so Ana began. “Does anything hurt you? Your head, or your stomach, or anything else? Is there something you would like me to check first?” When Fay shook her head, Ana checked her temperature, her pulse, and anything else that could be checked.
She stood and scratched her head.
“Have you been eating well? And drinking?”
“Well, maybe not so well recently. I’ve mostly been resting…”
“It would be good to make sure you eat and drink enough, your Majesty, but other than that, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong. I’m sorry, but I’m not so sure there’s anything I can do for you. Would you like me to get someone else?”
“No,” Lenna said. “You may leave, thank you.”
The family was alone again, and Remy seemed even more concerned. Fay called him over and held his hand. “It truly is all right,” she told him. “I will feel better soon.”
Lenna felt unsure and her brother undoubtedly did as well. “I know, Mot
her. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to go outside?” she tried.
“Maybe someday soon, my dear. I am feeling quite weak, maybe it would be best to stay here.”
She took a deep breath to repress a shout. She wasn’t sure if it would be wrong to leave, but her mother wasn’t going to accept her help and she didn’t know if she could stand to be around two miserable people. “Call for me if you need anything,” she said to neither of them in particular as she walked out.
Remy sniffled, but she didn’t get an answer.
Not to worry. You can let her go.
When she reached the door, someone knocked on it. She opened it, and Kendra stood in front of her. “May I speak with your mother alone?”
“Yes, I was just leaving.” Remy stood and followed her out, but outside the door, Lenna stood and listened.
“Go on,” she said to Remy. “I’ll be right there.”
“Lenna, don’t…”
“It’s fine,” she whispered. “Just go.”
With a sigh, he trudged down the hall, and Lenna crept as close to her mother’s door as she dared. The voices from inside were muffled but audible.
“Fay, they need you. Lenna is struggling. They both are. They need their mother. I imagine they haven’t had one in quite some time. What happened to her?”
“Kendra…”
“Can you just try to get better? They can’t be alone here.”
“They have you. Kendra, I just…”
“No, you don’t get to put this on me!” She lowered her voice. “I love them to death, but I’m not their mother.”
“Thank you for being someone for them while I can’t be.”
“You’ll have to do more than thank me. They need more, Fay. They need you. Okay?”
Fay was crying silently when she said, “I’m trying.”
“I know you are, hun. I love you, but you need to try harder.”
Fay was crying audibly now.
Heavy footsteps made their way to the door, and Lenna hurried away.
○○○
Later that day, it was dark inside Remy’s room when Lenna walked in, neglecting to knock. The curtains were nearly closed, and the bright afternoon light that should have streamed in through the cracks was gray from the spring rain shower. The usual calm of the room had become dreary and depressing. From where Remy lay on his bed, he looked over at her but did not get up.
Walking toward the vague shape of her brother, she said, “She’s fine, you know. Well, she’s hurting, but she’s not sick. It’s not anything fatal. I think knowing that will help you.”
Remy looked back up at his ceiling and remained silent. Lenna sat in a close chair and looked at him. He was motionless on his back. She could see very little in the dark, but she could make out his thoughtful green eyes and messy black curls. She had come into his room to console him about their mother, but there was no point in trying to resolve anything now; he was somewhere else. Instead, she simply sat on a chair near him and stared at the sliver of light between the curtains.
When he finally spoke, it startled her. “I miss her.”
Now Lenna walked over to lay next to him on the bed, her feet by his head. Normally he would protest, complaining of the smell, but he did not. Lenna’s stomach sank. She twisted around so their heads were side by side. She could see the color of his skin now; it was almost identical to hers. The difference came in their facial expressions. Lenna normally held a serious look while Remy was always bright and content. Now, seeing his unnatural scowl frightened her.
“Well, lucky for you, you can go down and say hello to her right now,” she joked, trying to lighten his mood. It was distasteful, she knew, and she regretted it as soon as she said it. His and Fay’s suffering was not something to joke about.
The crass joke evaded him. “She’s not here anymore, not really.”
“I know, Rem.” She patted his shoulder.
They lay listening to the rain for a long time until Lenna asked, “Do you want to do anything? We could take a ride together, or you could do some archery. Shooting things might be therapeutic.” She smirked but got no reaction. “Do you want to? Maybe Niah and Dom want to go.”
“No,” he said. “Not really.”
“Listen, I know you and Dom are together. I figured it out a while ago. Remy, I don’t care. I know that he’s only your archery trainer, and most people wouldn't approve of you ‘lowering yourself,’ but you don’t have to be ashamed of it with me. I won’t tell anyone, I swear. So if you want me to get him now, I can…”
“No,” Remy said again with slightly more force. “No. I broke up with him.”
Lenna rolled onto her side so she could look at him. “Why? What happened?”
Remy closed his eyes and said tiredly, “I don’t want to talk about it, Lenna. Not now. Okay?”
“Okay. But you can if you want to. I’m not going anywhere.”
Remy nodded so subtly that she barely saw it.
Remy loved Dom more than anything, so if he had been the one to break it off, he must have been feeling worse than she thought. She watched him squeeze his eyes shut tighter, as if he was remembering a traumatic memory.
Finally, he said almost inaudibly, “It’s just like you said. People wouldn’t approve. I don’t care about most of them, I really don’t. But there’s one person I can’t bear to disappoint right now.”
Their mother. The Queen.
“Oh, Rem, you know Mother wouldn’t judge you for it. She would be happy that you found someone you love. She’s your mother, she could never be disappointed.”
“She’s still the Queen. She has standards. Expectations. I can’t take that chance with her in this state. What if she found out and didn’t want to talk to me again? No, I can’t lose her forever because of some man who doesn’t matter.”
Lenna spoke lightly, understanding the feeling of wanting to be seen by their mother in this hard time. “He does matter, and Mother would know that. You know how much she loves you, and you know she’s different than other queens. Her standards aren’t the same.”
Remy opened his eyes to look at her but didn’t look comforted. “It’s not all up to her, though. Even if she accepted the relationship, she would be pressured not to. One of us will need to be King or Queen soon. And they will want the other to be around just in case, for backup. They’ll want both of us to have respectable marriages—royal partners, partners we can have children with.” He gave her a pointed look. “I can’t play around anymore. I need to fill the role that Mother gave me.”
You need not worry. It doesn’t matter what he does. It will be you, always. He is useless.
This gave Lenna chills, but she shook it off.
She wasn’t sure what to say. Part of what he said was true. They needed to have strong relationships with important people. And yes, they needed to have heirs. But this was supposed to weigh on them later in life, not this soon. Remy was so ready for their mother to die or deteriorate so badly that it was almost like death. “You still have time…”
“Lenna…” He looked straight at her now, sharp but defeated. “Not enough time.”
He held eye contact as if he was mulling over what he would say next, but instead he turned away.
The rest of the afternoon was spent wordlessly. When the light between the curtains faded, Lenna slipped under the covers. She fell asleep quickly, but she knew her brother would be awake all night, watching the ceiling and thinking of ways to cure their mother.
○○○
Kendra was like a temporary mother to all the noble babies whose parents didn’t want to take care of them. Usually there were only a few, and she shared duties with a couple of other women, but nonetheless, she was almost always working. It was a wonder that she always had time for Lenna.
Lenna was, she supposed, still one of her children as well, just grown up. She remembered Kendra taking care of her through her whole childhood while Fay wasn’t well enough to fill the role of a mother, a
nd the relationship stuck. Because of this, Lenna usually went to her before her mother when she was upset. With her mother now being in such bad shape, though, it wasn’t much of a choice.
Kendra was a better support, especially when she wanted to talk about Remy, because Fay would invariably become distressed at the mention of her child’s pain. Kendra always knew what to say. She was close enough to know how to handle him but didn’t agonize over every small problem like a biological mother would.
This time, she found Kendra strolling around the courtyard, careful to stay in the shade along the edge. When Lenna caught up with her, she jumped. “Oh, my. Lenn, I didn’t see you coming. It’s nice to see you though. Do you want to join me?”
“I just wanted to talk to you about Remy.”
“I noticed he was very upset. About your mother, of course, but he seemed worse than normal. Have you talked to him?”
“I tried. He can’t cope with our mother being this way. I feel horrible for him. I have no idea what to do… Kendra, all I want is to do something to help him, but he seems beyond help right now. What do I do?” Lenna stomach twisted just thinking about her brother’s face the previous night.
Kendra could obviously see this and stopped to hug her. Lenna sank into her and tried not to cry, for her mother, her brother, and her own frustration. Kendra stroked her hair once before letting her pull away. “Why don’t we both talk to him? We can get him to come out here where it’s warm and beautiful, and maybe he’ll calm down a bit. I know he loves you. He’ll listen to you whether you think he will or not. Maybe it won’t quite process, but he’ll hear you. And maybe I can help him too, seeing as I was close to your mother. I know she’s strong, and I know she can get past whatever this is. He just needs to keep being told that.”
Lenna sniffed. “I don’t know. He would barely talk when I saw him last night. I’m scared we’ll just upset him more.”