by Emily Albert
“It’s worth a try, Lenn. Like you said, we need to do something, whether it’s talking him through it or letting him come outside like we do.” She nudged Lenna’s arm and said, “Why don’t you go get him? I’ll be right here.”
Lenna took the long walk from the courtyard to Remy’s room, where he was curled up in his chair, still frozen. “Come on, Rem. Come with me, no questions.” She smiled at him, but it faded immediately when he didn’t move. “I know how you feel, because I’m feeling it too. I think going out and getting some fresh air will really help. Kendra is out walking in the courtyard… Well, crawling, really. She wants to see you, and I think it would cheer you up.”
“You don’t know how I feel,” Remy said tiredly.
Lenna screwed up her face. “Of course I do. What do you mean?”
He shook his head and put his face in his hands.
“Just tell me, I want to understand how you’re feeling. I know this is really hard…”
He started sobbing. It was ugly and loud, and it made Lenna’s chest hurt. “Please…” she said, starting to cry herself. “Let me help you.”
He shook his head again, still not looking at her. She walked up to him slowly and touched his shoulder. “Please.”
Remy’s crying slowed and he looked at her. “Nothing is going to help this.”
Lenna understood what he was saying. It seemed there was temporary relief from the stress—very temporary—but it might never truly go away. All they needed was for her to get better, and to him it looked like that would never happen. Of course he wouldn’t think there was any point in trying to fix the situation.
“I know, Rem. But please.” She said the last words so quietly that he wouldn’t have been able to hear them if she wasn’t right next to him.
Remy stared at her for a long time, either stuck or trying to decide what to do. Lenna wasn’t at all sure which it was, so she stayed next to him until he very slowly put his legs down and stood. As soon as he did, he looked like he regretted it. He looked back down at the imprinted chair, and Lenna took hold of his arm. “Let’s go.” He didn’t make a noise or even nod, but he followed her all the way to the courtyard.
Kendra was still there as she said she would be. She looked around and spotted them as they walked toward her. “Wow,” Kendra said, looking at his growing beard, stark against his caramel skin. His curly black hair was disheveled. Lenna noticed belatedly that he was still in his translucent night clothes, which showed that his already lean body was losing weight. “Glad to see you up and about.” Sniffing, Remy looked around uncomfortably. “How are you doing—here, let’s walk.”
Remy walked in the middle of the two women. “I… I don’t know. I’m okay.”
Kendra gave Lenna a look that said, “Are you hearing him right now?”
She said, “No, you’re not okay. That wasn’t a polite ‘how are you doing?’ it was ‘I know you’re feeling awful and I want you to tell me about it.’ Your sister tells me you’ve been doing what I now call ‘pre-mourning.’ Staying in bed all day, not eating, not talking, the usual signs of regular mourning. Feels just as bad, too. I guess I don’t actually have to ask you what’s wrong, but you can talk about it if you want. I’m here. We’re both here.”
Remy sighed quietly. “It’s hard to talk about.”
“I know it is, Rem.” Kendra rested her hand on his shoulder. “I know it’s all so hard.”
He shrugged.
“I thought your sister and I could do some talking then, if you’re not up to it.” Remy looked up at Kendra and Lenna in turn, then glanced back down at the ground and shrugged again.
Lenna chimed in, “I know you don’t think Mother is going to be okay, but I promise she will be.” The greedy, twisted part of her almost didn’t want to believe it. But she thought maybe she could convince herself. She was disgusted by what her guardian was making her think, and more disgusted by the fact that something already inside her let considered its words.
And even if she couldn’t fix herself, Remy needed to hear it. She needed to see him get better. She had to choose what she knew was right.
“And I know, I know, you’re going to say I can’t promise that because there’s no way to know, which is true. But I do know for certain that she isn’t sick. She isn’t going to die of illness. She’s sad. She’s mourning herself, for our father. You see how mourning feels now. It’s crippling, isn’t it? And she isn’t even truly gone. Can you imagine what it’s like to mourn someone you loved more than anything, knowing they’re probably gone forever?”
Remy rubbed his face with one hand but didn’t say anything. Lenna hoped that he was retaining something.
“Right,” Kendra said, “She may not be sick, but you’re right—there is something wrong. She is miserable thinking about her lost husband all day, every day. It haunts her. You see the way she acts when someone mentions his name. It’s torture for her.”
“And the grief must have sent her over the edge. We’ve known of her missing him all our lives, but I think it’s finally taking its toll. But just because she’s suffering doesn’t mean it’s over for her. I think it will hurt her forever, at least a little bit, but we can help her get through this hard part. We can fix this just like we would fix an illness with medicine. We can—”
“No,” Remy said simply, still looking down. “There’s no fixing this, I know that. She’s too far into it, whatever it is. I should have seen it sooner. I should have done something before…”
Kendra looked at Lenna with a mix of sympathy and frustration, then looked back at Remy. “This isn’t your fault, Rem. Why would you think you could have predicted this? None of us knew it would get this bad. But we can do something now. We can get her moving, get her outside, help her eat normally again. There’s so much we can do to help her.”
“No,” Remy said again, more forcefully this time. “It’s not like that. It’s more than that, it’s like…”
“It’s a lot,” Kendra said soothingly, “It is, but it’s fixable. It’s not over yet.”
Remy started crying quietly, his breathing ragged. “You two just don’t see it. You obviously haven’t seen her when she’s…”
Lenna’s tone matched Kendra’s when she said, “Rem, we have. I see her all the time, and I know how she is. But I have also seen enough to know we can help her. When I open her windows for her, she smiles a little bit. When I talk to her about things she likes, like horses, she seems happy. She’ll talk to me. We just have to work hard at doing things like that, that’s all.”
“No!” Remy yelled through his tears. He looked around to make sure no one was staring at him; some were, as the courtyard was filled with people looking at the blooming flowers, but he continued anyway. “It’s not that simple. We do these things, and then she goes right back to being depressed. We’re not powerful enough to help her. Apparently, the gods aren’t either. She’s never going to get better.” He cried harder and slowed down.
Lenna and Kendra slowed down with him. They were both about to say something when Remy said, “I can’t stand just walking around this stupid courtyard with these shallow people pretending things are going to get better!” Then he stormed off.
Lenna started to cry herself, falling into Kendra and letting herself be held.
Five
Several nights later, there was still heavy tension everywhere. Lenna had already blown out all her candles, so she lay in bed staring up into the pitch-black space above her. Thoughts of her mother and Remy floated around her, but she was too irritated to have any real, productive ideas. So at the front of her mind was that her bed felt lumpy, her sheets were too hot, and she couldn’t sleep. She pushed the covers off and sat there for a moment before getting up and making her way through the darkness to her door.
There were two guards outside her door who then straightened, waiting for instruction. She smiled at them, knowing it was a sad, tired attempt. First, she scouted out Remy’s room. His guards also stra
ightened, but she had no politeness left in her. She reached out and grabbed the handle, but just as she was about to open the door, she heard him stir inside. If he was asleep, she didn’t want to wake him, and if he was awake, she didn’t want to keep him up. Maybe she would talk to him tomorrow.
The candles were always lit in the hallways at night, so she roamed around through the quiet dimness. The sound of her shoes on the tile floor was louder and echoed in the empty halls. Lenna could name every room in the castle just by passing the doors, and tonight, she tried. The practice always made her think of the childhood she and Remy had shared. They would go into every room they could get into and explore, or hide, or make up stories about what was inside. If she went in all the rooms again, she was sure she could remember the stories. Thinking about this weighed down her already tired body with a longing for their innocent youth.
While she crossed each room off her mental list, she found herself at Fay’s door. Somehow, she always ended up with her mother. Disregarding the time, Lenna pushed the door open and crept in. Her mother slept so deeply that her footsteps would surely not wake her up.
The room was dark, of course, though there were a few candles still lit by the bed. Cautiously, she sat on a chair already pushed up to the bed. Her mother lay on her side, turned away from her. Lenna breathed a sigh of relief at her peacefulness.
Although Lenna couldn’t talk with her while she was asleep, being around her mother was comforting. Something about her smell and her warm skin reminded her of what a mother should be—what she wished she still had.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a whisper in her head: You don’t need her. Don’t worry. You’ll be better, child. Better than her, better than all them.
Lenna reeled but sat for a moment, letting the words sit with her. With them she felt a new eagerness that confused and repulsed her. It all could be hers, and she liked that. She liked that someone—something—wanted that for her, even more than she did. She was coming to accept that her mother would not live forever. Unable to comprehend her mixed emotions, she stood to leave. On the nightstand, however, she saw a strange book with a half-empty bowl of soup on top of it. She leaned closer and noticed that it was the same book that her mother had read to her as a child, and the same book Remy had recently read to Fay. The leather cover and binding were very worn. Taking it out from under the bowl, she saw the cover exactly as she remembered it: a poorly carved picture of a king atop a hill with his sword held up triumphantly. There was a castle on another hill behind him with a glowing halo around it.
Lenna paged through the book; it was full of terrible illustrations, like a child had made it. The writing, however, was beautiful. The ink had somewhat faded, but the lines were even, and the letters were graceful. She realized that even though the spine was worn, it looked as if a professional had bound it. What a strange, strange thing this was.
She moved closer to a candle so she could read it. It read exactly as she remembered, starting with, “Once upon a time, there was a brave king who made a tragic mistake and was banished from his own kingdom.” While the mistake is never explained, this king ultimately runs off into the woods to live on his own. Terribly isolated, he learns to understand the problems that had caused his banishment, and he is determined to change. There are mythical creatures that he has to battle while he is in the forest. Eventually, he kills all the monsters, and the whole kingdom is so grateful that they allow him to return home. “The King walked the whole way home, sword heavy at his side, and when he returned, he held it high in the air. He decided this was his role: not ruler, but warrior.”
The sun was beginning to come up when Lenna finished reading. She saw pink and orange peeking out from around the curtains. Fay still lay quietly, so Lenna retreated to her room and finally slept.
When she woke, the sky was bright blue. It looked like perfect weather to go outside. She thought she would go take a ride, but then she remembered her mother, who had been in bed for weeks now. She changed and went back into Fay’s room, hoping she would now be awake. Surely this weather would inspire her to go outside. Her mother, though, was in the same position as last night. Walking to her bedside, she said softly, “Good morning, Mother. How are you feeling? I thought you might like to go for a ride. Look how beautiful it looks outside!”
Remy was not in the room like he normally would be by now. The room felt so still that she imagined she could feel every step throughout the whole castle. She checked behind her multiple times, waiting for Remy to come in. The door remained closed for a very long time before Lenna inched closer to the bed.
“Mother, how are you?” she repeated and gently shook her shoulder.
Fay didn’t move, and Lenna’s heart thudded. She looked closer, and her chest was not rising and falling. She shivered at the thought of walking around to the other side to look at her face, but a guard doing it would be worse. Slowly, carefully, with her heart pounding and hands shaking, she walked to the far side of the bed.
Lenna thought her chest might cave in, or possibly that she would just collapse and not get up again. Fay’s eyes were closed, and her mouth was slightly open. There was vomit on her bed, on the floor, and around her mouth. Her right hand was resting in it.
A thousand different thoughts ran through her mind. How did she not notice this last night? Was she even like this last night? Had she been sick this whole time, not heartbroken? Had Remy been right? And the worst one, the one whose answer she was afraid of: Had someone caused this? Poisoned her, maybe?
She stared at her mother, not just because she wasn’t sure what to do, but because she felt she physically couldn’t move. Her legs were stuck. She wanted to scream, throw things, and cry, but she was paralyzed, and all she could do was stare.
It’s all yours now. It’s wide open.
“Shut up! Just shut up! How can you say that? Or how could I think that? How—? Just stop! Please, please just stop!”
She sobbed, and the guards threw the doors open. “Is everything—” Upon seeing Lenna, the guards rushed over. Once they spotted Fay, they called in even more people.
Lenna sank to the floor and pushed herself up against the wall. She pulled her hair, her whole body shaking, and she distantly watched people run around her mother’s room in a panic. She felt so, so small. The energy and static inside her urged her to do something, to help or get out or tell them all to leave, but she could do nothing but watch from somewhere far away.
Little thoughts crept into her mind, ones she tried and failed to throw away. Her mother would never read to her again. She wouldn’t hug her, or call her “my dear,” or look at her with her huge brown eyes. She would never tell her the full story of her father. With each one, she hit her head with her fist as hard as she could. Everyone in the room was too wrapped up in the ugly scene to notice her.
Hush, it will all be okay when it’s clean. When it’s over, the new chapter will begin.
Her stomach was in knots. She cried out and banged her head against the wall behind her. Finally two guards ran over and tried to reach out to her, and she swatted them away.
There was a quick, shrill noise in her head, and she winced.
Did I not tell you it will be okay? You fool. You don’t get it.
The stern voice struck Lenna’s chest. Her whole body ached, and guilt settled deep inside her. Shock kept Lenna still as she watched the scene in front of her with owlish eyes. Something beyond her comprehension made her believe she should be the person her guardian wanted her to be.
○○○
It would be hard to tell Remy that their mother had died. Lenna thought about asking Kendra to tell him because she didn’t think she could handle it. But in the end, she decided that he would need to hear it from his sister. As sensitive as he had been, he would need a lot of support, so she was willing to do it for him.
When she opened the door with her sweaty hands, she saw Remy sitting in his normal spot in his armchair in the corner. He didn’t loo
k at her when she came in. Her talk obviously didn’t have any effect on him; she could choke on the misery in his face.
“Hey,” she said cautiously. “How are you doing?”
His eyes flickered to her for a moment, then back to the floor. His face was red and puffy.
“I have to tell you something,” Lenna said, immediately starting to cry. “I have to tell you…” She tried to control herself. Getting upset would only make him feel worse. “Can I sit?”
“Mhm.”
“It’s about Mother. I…” The lump in her throat grew and she cried harder. Again she reminded herself that this would only make things worse. She gave herself a minute to sit and breathe, then started again. “Rem, I found mother in her room this morning. She was… She was dead. Someone killed her, I think. I’m not sure who, but it looks like maybe she was poisoned. You don’t want to know the details. You don’t have to worry about that. You’re just lucky you weren’t there to see it. I don’t think there’s any way it was an illness. That’s all you should know. I just can’t believe…”
Remy’s wide, watery eyes flickered again to her and searched her face. Realizing she was telling the truth, he turned and shut them tightly. He put his hand over his mouth that contorted from crying.
“I’m so sorry, Rem. Do you want to take a walk somewhere?”
“No,” he said, quietly but firmly.
“I know, there’s nowhere I want to be right now either. Just with her, that’s it.”
Remy just squeezed his eyes shut again.
“Do you want me to stay for a while?”
Remy shook his head hard, whimpering as he started to cry. “Please…”
“Okay, okay,” Lenna said, standing. “I’ll leave. I’m sorry.” She touched his back before leaving. “I love you, Rem.”
His body convulsed with sobs under her hand before he shrugged her off.
“I’m just… I’m so sorry,” she said desperately.