by Emily Albert
Lenna turned to the scarred guard. “You…”
“Rordan Palmer.”
“Do you know what all this is about?”
“Your Highness, I can’t say that I do. He won’t tell anyone. All I know is that I trust him. I’ve served him all my life, after his father. And he is the most decent, honest man you will ever meet. I’m proud to have served him, and proud to be a member of the kingdom he once ruled. I’d say that if he has something important to say, he should be able to say it, your Highness.”
Vince walked forward from where he was standing in the group of Ollivan’s followers. “I’d have to agree, your Highness. Ollivan is one of the best, most trustworthy men out there. One would be a fool to not listen to him. Of course, you do have every right not to trust him, given all you know about him and the fact that you have only just met. But I would tell you to give him a chance, your Highness, if you had asked.”
Lenna muttered, “I didn’t ask, and I don’t want your opinion.”
As if he had not heard her remark, Ollivan looked up at Lenna earnestly.
Her guardian had warned her repeatedly not to give in. She didn’t want to risk disappointing it, didn’t want to risk facing the danger it insisted would come. But she also didn’t want to take the chance that whatever Ollivan had to tell her was vitally important. And if she were being honest with herself, she was curious.
It was also apparent that if she turned him away, she would have backlash from many people, especially those older than herself. That could be worse than anything Ollivan had to throw at her. She couldn’t risk the uprising just to avoid talking to her father and the potential danger in it. It wasn’t as simple as her guardian made it seem.
Silently, she implored it to understand.
Careful, child. You can defeat anyone, but not if you hand over your heart.
She hesitated. “Bring him to my room after dinner tonight.”
Any noise that had been in the room before was hushed, and the quiet, heavy tension lingered behind Lenna as she slinked away.
She ran madly around the castle looking for Devon. She finally found him talking to another Parliament member in a nook in the hallway. No doubt it was about the news of Ollivan’s return. She rushed up to him in the middle of what seemed like a tense moment.
“I need to talk to you.”
He looked shocked, but not angry. “May I finish this conversation? I can meet you somewhere in just a minute—”
“No, come with me. Now.” He gave a rushed apology to the woman and followed Lenna.
“I can guess what this is about.”
“And you’re probably correct, but not here. Just follow me.”
Lenna took Devon to a fountain in the garden. There, the flowing water would cover their voices and let them have a private conversation. It also allowed her to get out of the castle. It felt suffocating, and the fresh air was a refreshing change.
“Okay, we can talk here. I know it’s not extremely confidential, but it will do.”
“Why must it be…” He looked into her wild, paranoid eyes. his own starting to mirror her unease. He ran his hand through his hair. “Okay. I heard that you met with Ollivan in the throne room. How are you feeling about it?”
“Listen, I just need your input. I agreed to meet with him privately, because that’s the only way he’ll talk to me. He has something important to say, or so he claims. But I think I made a horrible mistake in agreeing to that. This whole time, I’ve had a feeling that he’s here for a reason, and not just to meet his children or catch up. It’s not just a feeling, though, it’s… What if he’s trying to take back the throne? I mean, now that there’s no one formally ruling besides the regent, it would be easy for him. I would be the only one to stop him, since everyone else adores him. But it isn’t fair! I can’t let that happen! He can’t leave for nineteen years, then show up and want to claim the throne! I can’t let him! I can’t believe I gave in to his words… What if he wants to be alone with me so he can do something… like… I don’t know, like—”
Devon’s eyes held his own fear now. “Okay, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. He hasn’t said anything that indicate he wants the throne back. So the safest thing to do, to keep yourself sane, is to assume that he’s back for a nice check-in on his children. Poor timing, yes, but innocent.”
He’s not innocent. Don’t you see? Why wouldn’t he want the power back? He will ruin the country, ruin you.
“He told me he didn’t want the throne, but that means nothing, Devon! It’s easy for you to say that he’s innocent when you have nothing at stake. He could kill me and become King and you wouldn’t bat an eye. I need to keep my position. Well, one I haven’t gotten yet, but I will if he doesn’t take it.”
Devon touched her arm so gently that she didn’t even think to recoil. “How could you say your death wouldn’t matter to me?” Then he pulled back, clearing his throat. “But-but nothing will happen to you. I was very young when Ollivan was in power, but I haven’t heard a single negative anecdote—ever. I think you should give him a chance. It can’t hurt to at least hear him out. And who knows, maybe he’s even here to help you get into power.”
Lenna scoffed. “Sure, right. A man who left me when I was born is now rooting for me. A man who also has everything to gain from me not getting into power. That’s pretty likely.”
He smiled indulgently and said, “Truly, I… I believe he’s a moral man. I think it will be all right. In fact, I think it’s wonderful you chose to meet with him. Not only because you’ll get to talk to your father, but because your people will appreciate it. They’ll love you for it. Think about it. Accepting the man they worshipped? They’ll love it.”
The way he said “your people” made Lenna’s heart flutter. They were her people. Yes, she needed to avoid a backlash, but she also needed to prove that she was just as honorable as her father. She couldn’t do that without meeting him at his level, but she didn’t need to actually be close with him to show that she was amiable. She would hear him out, but never let him be part of her life or the kingdom.
She waited for her guardian to scold her again. It didn’t.
She smiled, more in Devon’s direction that at him.
“Would you choose me to be your ruler? Over him?”
“Absolutely.” He said with such finality that Lenna had trouble looking away.
When she did, she was left with the confidence he had given her. “Okay then. Looks like it’s almost time. I suppose I should prepare myself… And I have one more question.”
“What is it?”
“As a member of Parliament, is there anything that you can do to help me? Have Parliament throw Ollivan out without anyone knowing I was involved, or at least make sure he doesn’t make any moves? Anything at all?” It was one last desperate attempt, one she did not expect to yield results.
She could see Devon mulling it over, looking as desperate as she felt. He sighed, rubbed his eyes, then looked at her, pleading for forgiveness. “I wish I could, Lenna… How I wish I could. But I don’t have that much power.”
“What if it’s something… unethical? Something you don’t need anyone’s approval for.”
“Lenna.” He took hold of both of her shoulders firmly. “You know I would if I could. I want you to succeed, but I… I also want to keep my job. You know how these things work. Parliament members have been dismissed for trying to manipulate the system.”
Then he is worthless.
“I know you’d do anything for me,” she tried.
“Yes, I would… Anything that’s possible.”
Worthless, don’t you see? You can’t form bonds with worthless people.
She shrugged his hands off and sighed.
He gave her a tiny, sympathetic smile. “I know you’re going to become Queen.”
“Yes, I am.” She stood. “Even without your help.”
“You have my help, Lenna. You know that. But I can’t commit crimes.”
He can’t help you like I can.
“Then your help is not enough.”
She wasn’t affected by Devon’s remorseful expression as she walked away to the beat of her guardian’s praise.
○○○
Lenna’s bedroom was a disaster. Her furniture was still askew, her sheets were torn, jewelry lay scattered on the floor. The shame made her feel sick. Remembering the creature she was when she caused all this damage was disturbing to say the least. She knew her guardian was even more ashamed.
How could you do this? Disgusting. Truly repulsive. Do you see what you become when you lose control?
Though she wanted badly to sit and let herself decompress, she couldn’t stand to look at the mess anymore. There were some things she couldn’t do much about, like the torn sheets and scuffs on the furniture, but she picked up thrown objects and covered up what she could. When she finished by opening the curtains, it was almost dark out. Everyone must have already had dinner, and Ollivan would be on his way over soon.
She sat and examined her room. It looked better; it could have almost fooled her into thinking nothing happened. She saw one stray necklace beneath her dresser, ran to pick it up, then returned to her couch.
She wondered how Ollivan would perceive her room. Perhaps he would picture her growing up there, or what it would have been like to sit on her bed at night and read her to sleep. Maybe it would be haunting, like this should have been part of his life but wasn’t.
He isn’t here for you, naïve girl. He wants to take you down. To take it back for himself. He ran from it before, and he cannot have it again.
Yes, he could be completely indifferent, examining a room that was a part of what he hoped would soon be his castle. Lenna shuddered.
Her leg shook and she wrung her hands as she looked at the walls, yet nothing at all, just thinking about her father. She turned the possibilities of his intentions over and over in her head, but with no proof of anything, it was impossible to know what they were.
When there was finally a soft knock on the door, she jumped. She yelled for him to come in, and he did so quietly, followed by Rordan and another guard.
“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.” His voice sounded even gentler in this intimate space.
“This doesn’t mean I trust you. Just sit.” She motioned to the chair across from her. He sat. “Well? What do you have to talk to me about so urgently?”
“It’s not so urgent that we can’t catch up first.”
“I don’t feel much like catching up.”
“I saw Remy.” His eyes were compassionate, though slightly hardened. Their focus on her sent chills down her spine.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Lenna snapped.
“He’s very sorry.” Lenna opened her mouth to talk, but Ollivan interrupted her: “No, I wouldn’t say sorry. Well, yes, sorry, but distraught is the best word. It’s killing him, being locked in the cell thinking about what he’s done. He’s deteriorating. He’s half gone.”
“Good, that’s the point. I hope all of him goes soon. What, do you want me to feel sorry for him?” Lenna wanted to kick him out, but she was already too invested. Her head throbbed with the energy to fight.
“For your brother? Maybe.”
“He’s not my brother anymore. He’s a murderer.”
“You know why he did it. He told you. He thought it was best. He just has too much empathy—you know him. He couldn’t bear watching your mother suffer.”
“You’re right, I do know him. You don’t. You haven’t been here our whole lives. I don’t care what his motive was, I care what he did. You can’t kill your mother just because she’s depressed. He couldn’t bear how it was before, but now he can’t bear this. So he didn’t really think very hard, did he?”
A burst of energy made her lean forward; Ollivan didn’t flinch. “And who are you? You obviously loved her, judging by how destroyed she was from you leaving. Don’t you care that he killed her?”
Ollivan looked innocently confused. “She was that upset because of me? I thought she was sick.”
“Everyone did, for the longest time, especially Remy. But I guess you were an amazing husband, because she wasn’t sick. She was depressed because you were gone. So actually, in a way—”
“It’s not my fault. Do you want to know why I left?”
Lenna only narrowed her eyes.
Ollivan eyed the guards. “It might be best if they left now.”
“No! They’re staying right here.”
“You’re not going to want this explanation to get around the castle.”
“I thought they were loyal to you.”
“Yes, well… Perhaps not loyal enough for this. One never knows the extent of someone’s loyalty, except when the sensitive information relates to them.”
Lenna sat back and crossed her arms. “Fine.” She waved the two men away and said to them, “Stay right outside the door… and come back in if I scream.”
“Good. See, before I left, something was happening to me. Inside of me. It happened for much of my life, actually, but then it started to get out of control. I’m not afraid to admit I was going mad. Mad with power, but also just plain mad. Fay was scared. She was also pregnant with you and your brother, and I couldn’t have you living that way. My children growing up with a mad father, controlled by a demon? Worse than growing up with no father at all, I would say.”
Lenna scoffed, but Ollivan continued.
“I knew your mother could do a much better job than I could at the time. That thing inside me, it destroyed me. I guess instead of letting it, I had to destroy all of you. It doesn’t seem fair, because it’s not. I wanted to be with all of you more than I can say. It took every ounce of strength I had to pry myself away from the part of me that was trying to pull me under. But I had to keep my family safe, even if that meant separating myself from them. So I left. I did it all to save you, not to hurt you… No, I’m not afraid to admit it if it will teach others.”
His green eyes pierced her again.
Lenna was struck by the mention of the “thing inside him.” It was too familiar. Of course, hers wasn’t destroying her, it was lifting her up, helping her become Queen. Hers was power, comfort, and family, not an enemy. It was no demon. He had nothing to teach her.
She felt a warmth inside her, like a tight hug. He was weak to see it as an enemy. It could have helped him. It tried, and he turned it away. That’s what made him weak. Weaker even than you.
Confused and numb, Lenna said, “Well, you did hurt us. I don’t see how you think this isn’t your fault. You could have stuck it out, stayed with us. You were weak, and you decided to run and ruin everything instead. You lost everything. It could have helped you if you had let it.”
“Lenna, you would have grown up with a father who didn’t have it in him to love you. Your mother would have had to live with a husband the same way. None of you would have wanted me there, slowly going insane. Maybe me leaving to fix myself stirred up some other problems, but they were far better than what would have happened if I had stayed. I would have been like my father, and he destroyed everything and everyone, even worse than I did.”
“How can you say that?” Lenna asked, scrunching up her face in disgust. “How can you say that your son killing your wife—the Queen—was the best option?”
“It was controlling me, Lenna. I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t a husband or a father. Just a king—Ollivan the conqueror. Ollivan the slayer. I killed someone. Did you know that? Not many people saw me when I was mad, not like they did with my father. But when I did have an… episode… it wasn’t insignificant. I killed a man from town whom I was angry at. He didn’t even do anything to me, just looked at me the wrong way, and I dragged him into an alley and killed him. No one even saw me! I just went on my way.”
Ollivan looked at her, challenging her to react. She said, “I would never murder an innocent, if that’s what you’re insinuating.”
He ig
nored her. “That’s when I started to think about leaving. Sometimes, it’s impossible to just stick it out without falling apart.” He said the last part pointedly, and Lenna’s skin crawled.
She remembered lashing out. She remembered pacing her room, destroying it and her body in a blind fury.
You can fight it, unlike him. You’re stronger. Listen to me and control yourself, and you’ll take the world. He will want you to run, but there is no need.
“Lenna?” he asked, leaning in to look into her glazed eyes.
“You’re saying this has something to do with me. Why?”
“I’m just trying to say that it’s easy to get caught up in the power of ruling. You need to keep it in mind. I know I got caught up in all of it. I don’t… I don’t want this life for you. I don’t think it’s a life you will want either, once you become acquainted with it. You can save yourself. I left too late, and yes, I destroyed lives. But it isn’t too late for you. You can have a new, safer life.”
“But this is the life I want! I want it more than anything!”
Ollivan sighed. “You can’t let yourself get swept away with the power. And you will.”
Then he said in almost a whisper, “I know it’s possible because you’re much like me. The thing in you, it’s going to make you crazy. You can’t let it.”
You need me, need the power I can help you get. This is who you are. It was supposed to be who he was, but he couldn’t handle it.
It was right. At the end of the day, she did want the power. She always had on some level. If she just listened to her guardian, learned to control herself, she could handle whatever came with it.
“I don’t need you to worry about me and give me advice. I know what I’m doing. I’m not you, and none of that is going to happen to me.”
Ollivan looked at her thoughtfully, examining her.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I know you’re not me, but I see myself in you.”