World Devoted

by Emily Albert

  Lenna started.

  “I know the feeling,” He looked at her with his steady eyes.

  You’re nothing like him.

  “I don’t think you do. I would never run away from what I want.”

  “You’re right, I don’t know exactly how you feel. I’m only trying to save you from what I know is inevitable. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s inevitable because the thing in you will never stop pushing, no matter who you are.”

  It should have offended her, but his tone made it obvious he wasn’t judging her. Even if his doubts were wrong, his intentions were pure.

  Her guardian’s voice rolled around roughly in her head, telling her not to give him a minute more. But something about his kind presence made her stay; she needed some of that calmness now. No, she would never trust him or heed his warning, but she could let herself feel something that wasn’t lost or confused. Just for a moment.

  “Okay,” she said.

  Ollivan seemed surprised at her response. “Okay,” he repeated. “May I ask you something?”

  She eyed him but shrugged.

  “Did your mother take good care of you?”

  “Not really. But Kendra did. For a time.”

  He nodded sadly. “Mm. I’m sorry. My mother got to be the same sort of way when my father went mad.” Then he said quietly, “Poor thing. Didn’t stand a chance… How foolish I was to marry.”

  Lenna snorted. “Where did you go, anyway?”

  Her guardian growled, a warning. But Ollivan’s voice was soothing, and she wanted to hear more of it.

  “Somewhere you don’t know. That no one knows. I took a carriage and kept traveling until I reached a town where no one recognized me. It was called Caiburn, but that doesn’t even matter. It was barely anything, and horribly poor and run-down. But I could walk through the few streets they had and just be a person. That’s not what I wanted, deep down, nor whatever was inside me wanted, but it’s what I needed.”

  He was weak to leave. He could have had it all if he had learned to control himself.

  “There was one man who recognized me there, actually. He gave me a cabin to stay in, probably hoping I would give him something in return that would turn his life around. I paid him a little bit to keep my identity a secret—it didn’t take much—but the rest I paid him in farm work. That was good for me too. I think it was all about training the thing to be quiet and realize I wasn’t going to be the all-powerful man it wanted me to be. I think that’s what it wanted, anyway. When I worked on the small, half-dead farm and talked to people who meant nothing to anyone, I was one of them. I had forced myself to give up. In turn, I forced the thing to give up. It was quiet and cleansing, and I think the hard conditions aged me more than I’d like, but that’s probably what I needed to reel myself in. So it worked out, and here I am.”

  All he needed was control.

  “I’m not you,” Lenna murmured. “I’m not going to run.”

  Ollivan slid over so he could pat her back. “I know, my lion. I know.”

  They sat in silence together for a long while.

  “Did your mother read you two the book I wrote?” Ollivan asked finally.

  Lenna was struck with the memory of her mother reading the book while crying. Of her and Remy asking who wrote the book and what it was about, only to be met with harder sobs. Of finding the book in Fay’s room at night, not knowing she was dead.

  He will only bring you pain. I will be your parent.

  Lenna turned to him, face hardened. “You thought you were going to come back a hero? You didn’t do anything remarkable.”

  “Not exactly. It was an exaggeration, a story. I guess I only hoped to be welcomed, and I have been by most.”

  “I welcomed you the way you deserved to be welcomed,” she hissed.

  Pain flickered in Ollivan’s eyes, but he hid it well.

  “Of course I expected you and Remy would be hurt. I deserve coldness and suspicion. But I do just want to help you.”

  There is nothing he can help you with. You can do it all with me.

  “I don’t need you here. You don’t know anything about me, so how could you help?”

  Ollivan smiled despite looking hurt. “I had heard some rumors out in Caiburn. Not many, but enough to know about you. I heard about everything you accomplished, even from a young age. There was always something… You were rumored to be just as promising as I knew you would be. But I also heard worrying stories. Of course they were exaggerated, but… I had to see for myself.” He spoke carefully.

  Lenna scoffed. “You came all this way on a hopeless mission to dethrone a queen?”

  “I should have come sooner—”

  “I’m not going to get out of hand like you. I know how to control myself.” But as she said it, she thought about her breakdowns, of running too far with the pleasure power brought her.

  Ollivan must have sensed her hesitance, and let it sit with them for a while. Then he said pointedly, “So you think Grace deserves an execution, hm?”

  Lenna looked at him questioningly.

  “A few of your advisors are friends of mine. You can tell which ones by their gray hair.” He laughed. “So?”

  “Of course I think she should die. She’s dangerous. She tried to keep me from the throne by threatening all my advisors and the rest of Parliament. She thinks I killed my mother, and I can’t convince her otherwise. She needs to be cut down.” She heard herself; she sounded like someone who would lose control. It didn’t matter if Ollivan thought that or not.

  “Hm.”

  “What do you mean, ‘Hm’? If you think it’s a bad idea, don’t bother telling me why.”

  “I think that’s what I would have done when I was in your position… Only I would have done it with my own two hands.” He managed to chuckle.

  But he isn’t you. I see so much more potential in you.

  “Why is it you assume you’re just like me?”

  “I was. And I know it. No assuming. I see you, and I see my past self.”

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m nothing like you,” she said unconvincingly.

  Ollivan searched her face. “You have to run from it, Lenna. You have to.”

  Don’t let him put doubt into your mind. He is the one to run from, not me. You will control yourself, unlike him, and then you will have it all… I will protect you. I need you.

  She embraced the words; they were more comforting as her father’s presence.

  Ollivan sat looking at the sky for a while, as if giving her a chance to respond. She refused to give in, but he seemed unaffected.

  She felt the tension pass as Ollivan said smoothly, “Well, I know you’ll do what’s best. I’m not worried.”

  Looking around at the garden in adoration, he said, “Your mother loved this place. I’m glad her ashes are here.” Thunder sounded distantly, making Ollivan smile. “I remember summers in this garden. Your mother would make me come out, even in thunderstorms. Especially in thunderstorms. I never understood why rain made her so happy.”

  “You don’t deserve to talk about my mother… And I don’t want to be out here in a storm. I have to—”

  “I know it’s hard to cope with it. Hard to remember her, but—”

  “That’s not it. I’m past the mourning, the sadness, the…”

  Ollivan’s even face turned grim. “All right. What is it, then?” he said as if he already knew the answer.

  Lenna didn’t answer.

  “I know. That thing is all that matters, not your family, your friends, or anyone else. I know the truth in that.”

  And I am all that matters. I will give you more than those real people ever could.

  With humming in her head, Lenna said calmly, “You know, did you ever think that thing wasn’t your enemy? That it would have helped you if you had let it?”

  “I know that part of you believes that. But I also know another part of you must believe what I’m saying. It will take
you down in an instant. It will push you and keep pushing you until you don’t know what is right anymore. So just… be careful. Don’t forget who you are.”

  Just as the first raindrops fell, Ollivan got up, his clothes already soaked from the fountain. He held his hands out and tilted his head up to the rain. Before he turned back to the garden path, he said, “And about this Grace situation… I know she’s dangerous. You can leave and save yourself like I think you should, but if you won’t, fix it civilly. Don’t just do what feels good. Same with your brother.”

  Lenna’s body was not only physically uncomfortable from her wet clothes and the hot sun, but mentally she was drained. Memories spun through her head—those that had been born happy and turned sour, and those that never had a chance of positivity. They all brought shades of confusion about herself. She tried to sort them out, telling herself what she should and shouldn’t do, but the truth was, she didn’t know how to conduct herself—how to control herself, as her guardian would say. It was true—she didn’t know who she was or what she was capable of.

  Twenty-Nine

  When Lenna heard Marco’s distinct knock on her door, she was not as anxious as she would have imagined. Instead of being flooded with fear of him dominating her, she felt his hand that had lain gently on her back. It didn’t feel right to be so comfortable, especially when the was met by her guardian’s loud protest. Not too close. Not too vulnerable.

  But it had been right to encourage her to marry Marco. He had only proven to her that he recognized the great ruler she could become. He would help her rise to that position. He was not like her father, Remy, or Grace, who were constant dangers she could not trust. They all had reasons to take her down, even if it was unlikely that they would. She would be careful with Marco, but letting him in could mean letting him help her. The protests didn’t stop her from opening her door. On the other side, her fiancé held a bouquet of bright red roses.

  “I prefer wildflowers,” she said simply. That’s right. Not too close.

  “Of course. I will know for next time.” He looked serious and nodded.

  “Is there something you need?” Her heart pounded with excitement, but her guardian strangled her kindness.

  “I thought we might talk again. I didn’t think two people who are soon to be married needed a reason to be with each other.”

  Lenna moved aside to let him in. “Not for long, though.” She didn’t want to say it, but she had promised to be careful.

  He stood by the sitting area until Lenna gestured for him to sit. He held out the roses and Lenna placed them on her vanity.

  “I came by during the day this time,” he said with a smile. “I understand it feels more appropriate to you.”

  “Yes, I think that’s a good idea. What did you want to talk about? Are we taking another trip?” She smiled to match his for a moment.

  “No, unfortunately not this time. I just thought we could try to get to know each other again—your family, your life, your hopes and dreams. They’re all very important to me.”

  Careful. Not too much, not too close.

  “Okay. Well, what do you want to know, specifically?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Tell me about your brother. What was it like with him as a child? And with your mother?”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you going to try to get me to release Remy too? I’m not going to.”

  He waved his hands in negation. “I’m not here to get you to do anything. I know people have their own opinions, but I want to hear your side of it all.”

  Everything she longed to say to someone on the outside, someone who would take her side, would be too close.

  “Fine. Okay, um, it was a pretty good childhood. With Remy, anyway. Not so much with my mother… My mother was pretty much comatose for most of my life. She loved me, don’t get me wrong, but she wasn’t always there, not really. I guess that’s why we were so close. We had each other.”

  Marco waited as if knowing she had more to say.

  Feelings make your vulnerable.

  She tried to swallow everything she wanted to tell him, though it pained her.

  “Things changed. That happens sometimes,” she said.

  “Yes, I suppose it does.” He leaned forward and looked deeper into her eyes. His own dark brown ones looked safe. “You can talk about it, you know. I’m going to be part of the family, so I can take the problems and all the emotions that come with them. I know you must have lots you’d like to say.”

  Lenna swallowed hard, physically this time, hoping it would have more of an impact. She looked away from his safe eyes and said, “None of it matters. I am the only one who matters in this castle now.”

  Marco waited, watching her face though she did not look at him. It drove her crazy. She felt he knew her better than he let on.

  “What?” she snapped, flicking her eyes to him for a second but not turning her head.

  “Yes, you are the only one who matters. And your history, your feelings, are part of you. They matter.”

  Lenna took a shuddering breath as her guardian said, Your feelings are for you alone to control.

  Marco put a hand on her knee. She pulled back, but he did not. The little girl in her was trying to push through, telling her she should be able to trust her husband. Reminding her of his comforting touch and him showing her all that was hers. His respect and love for her. It wasn’t that simple, she told the young, naïve girl. He was one of the real people who had the power to hurt her. The child couldn’t understand it, but as she got older, she did.

  “My feelings don’t matter, only my actions. Feelings make one lose control.” She nearly gasped after she said it. It was a mistake; she knew it and she was certain her guardian knew it.

  You only betray yourself when you slip. Making mistakes in private is bad enough, but to admit your mistakes to someone who could use it against you… It is unforgivable.

  She felt everything around her crashing down when she heard the word “unforgivable.” She wanted to take it back, tell him she would never lose control, but it was too late. She was better off staying quiet, not meeting his gaze.

  Her silence didn’t make Marco ignore it. How could it? He hung onto her every word, no matter what she said. He whispered, “It is not a weakness to lose control. You are strong to let yourself feel. Feel for yourself, for your family… for me.” His voice was so gentle and kind that it almost made her believe him.

  How could it be a strength when it prevents you from reaching your goal? Power and weakness cannot coexist.

  “I am powerful,” Lenna said. “I cannot afford to be weak.”

  “That isn’t what I said, Lenna.”

  “It is the truth. How can succumbing to emotions make one strong? Only callouses let you be strong.”

  Marco leaned back. “I think that you are the strongest person I know, emotions included.”

  Finally she looked at him. He did not look like a threat. He did not talk like a threat. In that moment, she processed the genuine look that never left his face. She saw the lack of judgment that no one had ever matched, even her guardian. He would be her husband, the person to life her up.

  “You really want to hear what’s on my mind?”

  His sigh of relief seemed to be born of love, of desire to support her.

  He doesn't love you. Only I do! I am the only one who can lead you to greatness, the only one who understands how you have grown and what you desire. He will never know how you feel.

  Her guardian sounded desperate, and it was worrying. But it could not look her in the eye and tell her how it understood and cared for her. It couldn't show her a loving face, devoid of judgement. It could not even take judgement out of its own voice, even if it was there to challenge her. It could not put a gentle hand on her back on top a beautiful mountain. Lenna hadn’t realized how important these things were until now. This would be a fresh start with a real person, maybe one who wouldn’t betray her.

  “Yes, of c
ourse I do.”

  Lenna’s eyes turned dark. “Anger. That’s what I feel sometimes. And fear of the future, of how I will get to the top and what it will cost. But never sad. Anger fuels me, and fear keeps me in check. But there is no room for sadness. No room to be dragged down by past disappointment and betrayal.”

  You are digging yourself in deeper, and you will never get out.

  Marco watched her as she grounded herself with his calming eyes. He did not tell her that she was ruining herself. He did not yell and give her headaches. She wanted to talk.

  “Yes, Remy was my best friend. until he killed our mother. He poisoned her because she was sad. He said it was to put her out misery, and you can imagine how it felt to hear that. She isn’t an animal that you ‘put down’ because it’s sick. She was our mother, and he had the audacity to just kill her!” Her eyes slowly turned from grim to something wilder. Marco did not say anything about it. “And people think that I should release him! Let the murderer of his mother and the Queen roam free, like he did nothing wrong! Of course Ollivan thinks I should let him go. He just got back. He doesn’t know anything about him. I would never release him! It’s unthinkable! I think I would jump off the cliff on our mountain before I let him out.”

  Marco smiled at “our mountain” and Lenna paused to take that in.

  “And I guess it should be sad that we were so close our whole lives and now I’m forced to hate him and keep him locked up. But that’s just it—I hate him so much that I don’t care what it was like before. I’m disgusted that I ever loved a murderer. If only I had known!”

  Lenna scowled for a moment as she looked into Marco’s eyes. He knew it wasn’t directed at him; he kept a soft gaze on her.

  “I am especially furious with my father. He thinks he can come back, meet his children for the first time, and try to decide what it best for us? It’s not just the Remy situation he’s trying to control. He’s trying to change me. He thinks he knows me, that he’s just like me, and that he knows what I need. He knows nothing about me! He has no right!”

  Stop, stop, stop.

  Lenna realized she was going too far. She stopped and looked away.