by Mary Grand
Beth left Patrick staring at the empty table, lost. How was Alex feeling now? She needed to talk to him: there was something she needed to say. As she drove, she saw Alex ahead of her, cycling into the caravan park. She slowed down and followed him in, up to what she assumed was his caravan. He propped his bike up, and it was only as he was removing his helmet that he saw her.
‘Sorry. I hope you don’t mind me coming here.’
‘Of course not. It was all very upsetting. Do you want to come in?’
‘No, it’s all right, but there’s something I need to ask you.’ Beth looked over at the sea, sparkling in the sunshine. ‘You were right about your pitch: it’s amazing.’
‘Thanks. I love it here. Elsa, Imogen’s daughter, has been here taking photographs; she’s been experimenting with night photography, apparently. I gave Imogen a key, said she could bring Elsa any time she wants.’
Beth sat down on the warm grass. Alex sat next to her. She was aware of the sounds of the sea below, the same sounds of sea washing over the pebbles as she’d heard at Kathleen’s. Alex waited patiently.
‘I am so sorry for some of the things I’ve said to you,’ began Beth, ‘but there’s something I’m now pretty sure of, and I need to know if I’m right.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘It’s about Kathleen. I think, Alex, that the person she slept with and the father of her baby was you.’
‘No, never,’ he said, but the words were weak. They carried no conviction. She knew then that she was right.
‘It’s all right, Alex. I’m not judging you.’
His head dropped low over his knees. ‘How did you guess?’
‘I didn’t know definitely until last night. There had been clues: the way you talked about her, sometimes loving, sometimes so angry. Then there was the coin. A butterfly in a heart: it’s quite romantic, isn’t it? But then there were the flowers you put on Kathleen’s grave, the same pink ribbon with stars on you use for your coin business.’
Alex closed his eyes. ‘You’re right, of course. I meant the note. I have forgiven her. At the funeral I realised it was time for us to find peace again with each other. I forgave her, and I hope she can forgive me. I was too hard on her. They’re only things. Does anyone else know about Kathleen and me?’
‘I don’t think anyone else knows… well, William suggested it, but he was just speculating.’
‘That’s something. Living with all this has been a nightmare: the shame of what I’d done. It’s like carrying around this enormous boulder of guilt, desperately trying to hide it, but at the same time longing to be rid of it. The person I feel I’ve let down the most is Amy. I should never have slept with someone else so soon after losing her. It was only a few weeks after.’
Alex put his head in his hands. ‘I knew it was a mistake as soon as it happened, but I’d been so lonely. I was talking after work with Kathleen. She was upset. She’d been on this skiing weekend and was very down. I invited her up to the flat for a drink. We were talking, she cried, I comforted her. The next thing, well, we slept together. It was a mistake. We both regretted it, but we thought we could carry on as if it hadn’t happened.’
‘In January she told me she’d found the butterfly earrings in her bag. I was so confused, and felt so betrayed. As I just told Patrick, it took a while for me to believe she’d taken them, but in the end, I knew it. We made a good fist of working together, but outside that I couldn’t bear to look at her. Then, a few weeks later Kathleen found out she was pregnant. I knew she was going to keep the baby. She didn’t believe in abortion: it was her choice. I would have financially supported her, but she wanted to talk to Patrick, pretend the baby was his. It seemed ridiculous, but she was convinced that he would accept the story from her, and I agreed. She sent me a text the night she went into hospital. I knew then she’d lost the baby.’
‘But what if she’d told Patrick about you?’
‘If she had, I’d have lived with it. What we did wasn’t a crime: it was a terrible mistake.’
He lifted his head, turned to face Beth. ‘If you’re thinking I might have killed Kathleen to stop her telling anyone about us, well, you’ve got it all wrong. My only feeling of shame was towards Amy and her memory. No one else matters. I was upset about the earrings but not that angry. You said she knew something about this other person? Well, I’ve done nothing. There was nothing amiss with Amy’s death. You don’t know how carefully I read the report, but it’s all there in black and white. I shall give a copy to Sami. He can explain it all. I promise you: I never hurt anyone.’
Beth looked out to sea, saw a ship on the horizon, far, far away, and wished she was out there, away from all this heartache.
She stood up. ‘Thank you for being so honest with me, I’d better be getting home.’
At home, Beth thrust the jewellery into a drawer. Like Alex, she didn’t want to touch it or think about it. She lay in bed later, slept badly, until, hearing the dawn chorus, she went downstairs. It was cold and quiet in the kitchen. Ollie came running over, delighted to have company so early.
‘Layla was right, Ollie, life can be shit.’ She filled up his water bowl and made herself some hot milk, more to cuddle the mug than to drink. She heard a creaking in the hallway and Sami came in.
‘What are you doing up?’ she asked.
He yawned. ‘I could ask the same of you.’
Ollie raced over, very excited to have even more company.
‘Are you OK?’
She shook her head. ‘Not really. I have so many things going round in my head. I feel stupid and angry.’
Beth explained about the CCTV, the jewellery.
‘So I thought I was being really clever. I got the car thing all wrong, and now I find the person I’ve been fighting for was a thief.’
‘Kathleen would never have stolen expensive jewellery from someone who had been so sick and had trusted her.’
‘Alex is sure she stole the earrings,’ she said more gently. ‘He didn’t say anything because he never wanted to make a fuss. I don’t think he’d have ever told anyone if Patrick hadn’t found the jewellery in Kathleen’s room.’
Sami shook his head. ‘It’s very kind of Alex. Very sad. Poor Patrick.’
‘I feel angry with Kathleen. All this fighting I’ve been doing for her, confronting friends, trying to find some sort of truth, and I feel she’s manipulated me.’
‘If she’d done anything like this, it was because she wasn’t well.’
‘And would you feel the same if she’d been stealing from the pharmacy? She could have been, you know.’
Sami didn’t reply. He looked down at the table.
‘We don’t have to pretend,’ said Beth. ‘We were both fooled by her.’
Sami spoke sharply. ‘Where is the jewellery now?’
‘Upstairs in a drawer.’
‘We can’t just keep it there, you know.’
‘I don’t want to think about it. I’ve been forgiving her everything. Even when I thought the affair might have been with you, I didn’t get angry with her. I took it all out on you. How much did she lie to me? Maybe the wolf she was so scared of, who was so much bigger than she feared, was not out there but inside herself all the time.’
35
The next day Beth felt numb, exhausted. After work she visited Imogen, who was in a heavy sleep. Beth sat next to her thinking how young and vulnerable she looked. Touching her hand, she said, ‘How did we come to this? What’s happened to our world, Imogen?’
Imogen’s eyelids trembled and her eyes opened.
‘Wrong, I was wrong. I never believed her.’
Beth sat close. ‘You never believed who?’
‘Kathleen.’
Imogen closed her eyes, but a few minutes later they opened again. There was urgency there. She looked directly at Beth.
‘Elsa. Look after Elsa.’
‘It’s all right. You know I will always be here for her.’
After tha
t, Imogen returned to a deep sleep. Beth guessed that she was acknowledging that Kathleen had been right about the number of drugs she was taking. Even Imogen had admitted that Kathleen had been genuinely concerned about her health after the accident.
Beth continued visiting Imogen, who mostly slept. However, when Beth visited on the Sunday afternoon, she was surprised to find that not only had Imogen been moved to a main ward, but she was sitting up, albeit with drips and various machines attached. Elsa sat to one side of her.
‘You look a lot better, thank God.’
Imogen didn’t smile, but said, ‘I am, thank you.’
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Awful, but I know I’m lucky to be alive.’ It was as if she was choosing each word carefully: she was stepping on a high wire without a safety net. ‘I will be charged for possession, but William is hoping I will get off with a non-custodial sentence.’
‘I see.’
‘I’ve decided not to rush getting home although, of course, they may need my bed. I want to feel on top of things before I’m discharged.’ Imogen looked straight at Beth. ‘I hate the fact that everything had got so out of control. To have been doing things I have no recollection of is very frightening. I don’t remember going online, or any packets arriving. I know I went on official pharmacy sites to get some prescription medication for my eye infection. It’s such a pain getting appointments, but nothing else.’
‘I was shocked when Layla was telling me about the dark net: it must be a scary place to go on.’
‘As I say, I can’t remember anything. I would have sworn I’d never even heard of the dark net.’
‘But Alex told you about it—’
Imogen shrugged. ‘See: I can’t remember that; nothing.’
‘Well, it’s going to take time to get better this time; you must take the help they offer you.’
‘It will be all over the papers. It’s the end of my career, isn’t it?’ Imogen sunk back into her pillow.
Beth placed her hand on Imogen’s.
‘Your friends will stick by you.’
‘I’m not sure I have many of them left now. What if I end up in prison, Beth?’ Imogen looked at Elsa. ‘Who will look after my girl?’
‘That’s not likely, is it? And there are a lot of us to look out for Elsa.’ Beth shot a smile over to Elsa.
Before Beth could speak again, she heard loud voices coming from the corridor that led to the ward. Imogen’s face went deathly white. ‘Oh, God. That’s my mother. Who told her I was in here?’
Imogen’s mother strode on to the ward, her father a few paces behind. Beth stood up quickly to allow Imogen’s mother to sit down. ‘Imogen, what have you been doing? William has told us all about it. He tried to sweeten the pill, but how could you do this to us?’
‘William told you I was here?’
‘Of course, thank God.’ Her mother looked over at Elsa. ‘Now, you are not to worry. We have everything worked out for you.’
‘What’s going on?’ asked Imogen.
‘It’s obvious you can’t look after Elsa. Your father and I have been looking at a private university in the States. Your father has connections in some good ones over there. I am sure we could get Elsa in even at this late date, with an unconditional offer. We’ll pay for the best accommodation. It will be her chance to mix with a better class of student.’
‘To do photography?’
‘God, no. We need something more respectable than that. We were thinking liberal arts.’
‘Elsa has an offer from a very good university to do photography. I’m very proud of her. Her work has been outstanding.’
Imogen’s mother carried on. ‘The point is Elsa needs help. Let’s face it: she’s not exactly had a great start.’
‘She’s done very well,’ said Imogen, her voice harder. ‘I am very proud of her.’
‘But it’s not the education you had. Poor Elsa. She was telling me she’s working in a pub. Honestly, Imogen, of all the places you could have chosen. Still, you don’t have to worry now: we are going to take over.’
Imogen grabbed the blanket, her knuckles white. ‘No, I don’t think so. Elsa wants to do photography. That is what she will do.’
Imogen’s mother crossed her arms. ‘As always, you are only thinking of yourself. We’ve heard the rumours, you know, about Elsa and this older man. Despite that, your father and I are offering you a lifeline. This could be the making of Elsa. Let’s face it, you don’t want her making the same mistakes as you. You have to let us help.’
Imogen glared at her mother. ‘I don’t know who has been spreading malicious gossip, but Elsa has my 100 per cent support. You are not going to take over my life or Elsa’s.’
‘And what about William? He is very loyal to you. You’re extremely lucky. Don’t push him away like you push away everyone else who tries to help you.’
Imogen glared at her mother. Beth took a deep breath. Any child in school would be cowering now.
‘I am proud of Elsa, and you don’t need to bribe William to stay with me, even though I’m in a lot of trouble now with the police. I have no idea where this could all lead. I will certainly lose my job. As for how the rest will pan out, I have no idea.’
Beth couldn’t take her eyes off Imogen’s mother. Her mouth hung open, her eyes bulging. Her father stood behind the chair and gripped her shoulders.
‘I hope this is a sick joke, Imogen. You can’t be in that much trouble for buying some aspirin online.’
‘It was far worse than that. These were controlled drugs: illegal for me to have without a prescription.’
Imogen’s mother sat down. ‘I hadn’t realised how bad things were. One thing’s for sure: you really do have to let us take Elsa off your hands now. You are clearly unfit to keep her.’
‘No, Mum. You and Dad are the last people I would hand my daughter over to.’
Her mother went a strange shade of purple. ‘We spent a fortune on you; you were given everything, and you threw it all back at us. Now we come along trying to do something for that poor daughter of yours to stop her making the mess of her life that you did and you throw it back at us.’
‘That’s it, Mum. Enough, your visit has been long enough.’
‘Imogen, you are being most ungrateful, as always, I might add that your daughter will end up just like you. I can see it in her attitude.’
‘Mum, you can say what you like to me, but you will not criticise Elsa. She is the thing in my life I am most proud of. I look at her and I’m in awe of the wonderful person she is turning into. I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I loved her, sat with her when she was ill. I would do my schoolwork at two in the morning just so that we could have a few hours in the evening, things you never ever did for me.’
Her mother stood up. Her father cowered behind. ‘I shall put this tantrum down to your bad reaction to your medication.’
‘Mum, I am an addict.’
Her mother sat down with a thump. ‘No daughter of mine is an addict. You just need to pull yourself together. We shall make sure you get the best lawyer money can buy, then we can put this ridiculous business behind us and we can all try and act like it never happened.’
‘I need help, Mum. Nothing is going to be the same after this.’
‘We can pay for one of those rehab places. You know, a decent one. Even stars go to them sometimes.’
Imogen sat up. ‘I don’t want you to spend any money on me. Nothing was ever good enough for you and I am exhausted. No more, Mum. This is me. I am going to get better, but not for you. This time it’ll be for me.’
Her mother stood glaring at her. ‘You obviously want us to leave. How you got William I shall never know. You need help keeping him, my girl. He’s not going to hang on to a loser: you mark my words.’
After her parents left, Imogen lay back on her pillow, exhausted.
Beth sat back down. ‘I’m so sorry, Imogen.’
‘It’s kind of a relief,’ said Imogen, waving h
er hand at the door. However, she looked at Beth, her eyes steady. ‘Do you think what she said about William is true?’
‘No, not for a minute.’
Beth stood up to go.
Elsa, who had been silent through the whole of the incident, said, ‘I’ll come out with you, Beth, if that’s OK, Mum?’
‘Of course, see you later.’
As they walked out of the hospital together, Beth asked, ‘How are you, Elsa? This is very tough on you.’
‘I’m worried about Mum. She’s going to lose her job, isn’t she?’
‘She’s not in the right state to do it at the moment, is she?’
‘But what about me? To have mother who is a drug addict! There’s been some nasty stuff online and on Instagram. I tried the “she had an allergic reaction” thing, but it made me look pathetic.’
‘If I were you, I’d find those one or two friends you can trust, talk to them in person, not on social media: this is private, your life. Elsa, you are stronger than you think, and you have good friends and family around you. As for your mum, she’ll be back up fighting.’
‘I don’t know how I feel about Grandma now. She wasn’t very kind to Mum, was she? I think I understand why Mum kept them at a distance.’
‘Would you want to go to the university your grandma was talking about?’
‘No. I’ve got things sorted out and I’m good. That portfolio is all my own work and I can explain exactly the processes I used.’
‘I’m sure you can. It sounds to me like you have things well in hand.’
Elsa looked down. ‘Some things, not everything. The trouble is, you have no idea what I’ve done. Hearing Mum say how proud she was of me. But she knows it’s rubbish.’
‘Can you tell me what has happened?’ asked Beth. ‘Is it to do with you driving over to Kathleen’s the morning she died?’
Elsa bit her lip. She looked like the little girl Beth had asked about spilling her squash on the carpet.
‘I’ve been so stupid. I’ve made the most awful mistakes. Mum said not to tell anyone but how can I keep this secret?’
‘Tell me.’