by Julie Morgan
Last night came back in a flash.
The nightclub.
The fire.
Noah.
I opened my eyes and stared at my ceiling. I was on the right side of the bed. Normally, I would be right in the middle with a fortress of pillows. Not this morning, though.
Was Noah in my bed asleep? Did he stay the night? We had sex… No, we had made the most incredible love last night. It went much deeper than any previous time I was with him. Hell, it was more than I ever experienced with Jeremy. Noah touched a part of my soul.
Closing my eyes, I took in a deep breath, then turned my head toward the left side of my bed. When I opened them once more, there was Noah, sound asleep. His body was turned to face mine. His face was gentle and soft. A shadow of a beard touched his cheeks, lips, and chin. His eyes danced side to side behind his lids. What was he dreaming about? Me? Fighting fires?
I don’t remember the last time I had a man sleep over. In fact, we hadn’t discussed him staying. We must have fallen asleep after sex. It was late. He had worked a long shift, and then there was the nightclub fire.
Curiosity grew as I stared at the man in my bed. What would it be like to wake up next to him every morning? Or be by his side every night? Would he even want to take what we had that far and choose to stay with me? What about Marshall? What about my teaching?
Everything would find its rightful place in due time. Right now it was figuring out what this was between us and if this was what I wanted. I liked Noah. I really liked him. I could see myself with him, side by side. Grocery shopping, the movies, holiday events.
But I never considered myself a parent. Did I want children? Sure, one day, but taking on the role of stepmother wasn’t high on my agenda. I loved teaching kids, but having to deal with someone’s ex was not in my plans. Marshall was a great kid, but being his teacher and his dad’s girlfriend was a lot for me to take in.
“Are you watching me sleep?”
I smiled at the groggy sound of Noah’s voice. It was sexy and something I wouldn’t mind hearing again. “Maybe. I didn’t realize you stayed the night.”
“I didn’t realize I fell asleep in your bed. I hope it’s okay?” He opened his eyes, and his baby blues met my gaze.
Noah was not asking me for more than I was willing to give him. Staying over was not a deal breaker. In fact, I wouldn’t mind him staying over more.
I nodded. “Yes, of course.”
Noah opened his arms and waited. He motioned with his fingers for me to envelop his body. More than anything, I wanted this. Oh God did I want this, but in doing so, I was letting one of my walls down. I would be letting Noah in.
With great risk comes great reward. Perfect sentiment.
I was risking another heartbreak by allowing myself to open up to Noah. Right now, it was a risk I was willing to take. I smiled and scooted across the bed, into his waiting arms. This awoke a part of my soul that had been asleep for far too long. It was a hole that had been waiting to be filled, and Noah had filled it.
I settled my cheek to his chest, then slipped my arm around his waist. His pecs had a tuft of hair just between them, but the rest of his body was smooth. His body was firm and strong, delectable and mouthwatering. We’d just woken, but I wanted to taste him.
But that would need to wait. Right now, I simply wanted to just be. I let out a long sigh and felt my body relax into his, a perfect fit, as if we were molded for each other.
Noah began to play with a few strands of my hair. Silence passed between us for a long moment before he spoke.
“I want to talk to you about Marshall and his mother.”
I opened my eyes. This was not just a conversation about people. This was “the talk.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“I want you in my life, Cara. I want you in Marshall’s. You need to know what happened to her.”
My throat dried, and I had a hard time swallowing. I needed water, but I didn’t want to move. “Only if you want to tell me,” I managed to get out.
I felt Noah’s chest move to inhale and slowly let the air go. This had to be as hard on him as it was for me. I had a past as well that I wanted to share with Noah.
“Let me go first,” I blurted out before I realized what I had said.
“What?” he asked.
I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. What the hell, Murphy?
“Yeah, I need to go first,” I insisted.
“All right,” Noah said. “Go ahead.”
I pulled out of his arms and brought my left arm under my head. He did the same on his right side.
“When I moved out here to New York, it wasn’t for a job or chasing a dream. I did it for a guy. Jeremy.” Other than a few of my close friends I’d made in my few years in Manhattan, I hadn’t filled anyone else in on the crap I went through with my ex. “I followed him out here when he accepted a job offer. I’d always wanted to visit New York, and it was a great opportunity for me. I thought I would teach, and we’d get married and start a family. We’d come home after a long day and tell each other everything that happened. Well, one day, I found him fucking someone in our bed. It…it broke me. It shattered my soul. I swore off men. I swore I would never allow anyone to get that close to me again.” I lowered my eyes to the bed and fiddled with the pillowcase. “Then I met you.”
Noah brushed my hair behind my ear.
I raised my eyes and met his stare. “You’ve managed to piece my soul back together again. I never even saw you coming.”
A genuine smile spread across his lips. His eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I am very glad to hear you say that.” He ran his fingers across my cheek. “Where are you originally from?”
“I was born and raised in Sumner County, Tennessee. Just south of Kentucky.”
He raised his brows. “Wow, my own little country girl.”
I laughed and shook my head. “No country girl here. That might be my roots, but I’ve become a bona fide city girl here in Manhattan.”
It felt amazing to share my past with this man, my man. Was he mine? After last night, waking up in my bed, and now sharing personal information? Yes, he was indeed my boyfriend. My stomach did a little flip of excitement from this knowledge.
“Thank you for sharing your story. Jeremy’s loss. He had no idea what a catch you are.”
“Damn straight.”
He smirked and leaned in. Noah pressed his lips to my forehead, then hesitated.
“What is it?” I asked. Was he scared to share about his ex? He was with me, so I was of course assuming she was his ex. This was the mother of his child. I could never compete with that. It was an expectation I could never step up to.
Unless we had children.
Nope, not right now.
“I was married to Marshall’s mother for four years before she became pregnant with him. Her name was Autumn. All she wanted in life was to be a mother. She wanted to stay home with him while I worked and supported our family. We were happy.”
It did not get past me that he referred to Autumn in past tense.
“Then, just before she was going to give birth to Marshall, she became sick. I rushed her to the hospital, but by the time they realized what was happening, it was too late.”
“Oh, Noah,” I whispered and took his hand. I gave it a gentle squeeze.
“She had complained of headaches and body aches, but she figured it was the pregnancy. Her white blood cell count would have been high with the pregnancy, and the doctors had no reason to test her for it at the time. When I took her in toward the end of her pregnancy, it was then they realized she had bone cancer.”
He fell silent, and a single tear slid down his cheek.
I touched his face with my palm and swiped the tear with my thumb. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“She gave birth to Marshall and held him in her arms. A few hours later, her body couldn’t hold on, and she passed away.”
“Oh, Noah,” I whispered and pulled hi
m into my arms. Now it was me he needed, my arms, my strength. I felt a dampness on my skin, and I knew it was his tears. The painful memory of his wife’s passing was relived in this moment he shared with me.
And Marshall never knew his mother. It was a tragedy no one should ever experience.
“Noah, I’m so very sorry. I wish I could have met her if circumstances were different.”
He nodded then sniffed. He lifted his head from my chest and wiped his face with a quick swipe. “You would have liked her. In a way, you remind me of her.”
“Oh yeah?”
He nodded. “Your personality. You two would have been good friends.” He chuckled, then let a long sigh go. “I haven’t been in a relationship with anyone since she passed. Marshall has been my whole world. My mom has helped in raising him. Autumn’s parents moved away a few years ago. They wanted time to heal from their daughter’s death. I haven’t heard much from them, but they send Marshall holiday and birthday cards.”
I remained quiet while listening and kept my opinion about the grandparents leaving to myself. I didn’t agree with the grandparents moving away, but it was their choice to go. “I’m happy to hear about your mom being here for you.”
“She’s been amazing through all of this with me. No one expected Autumn to pass away. The only one not affected by it is Marshall. He didn’t know her, so how could he miss her?”
“Well, Marshall is an incredible kid.” And he truly was. He was kind to the other students in class and was genuinely a happy child.
“Would you like to meet my mom one day?”
My brows rose. I wasn’t expecting the parent question, but with everything we’ve shared, it made sense.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Too soon?” he asked.
I smiled and shook my head. “No, not too soon. I’d love to meet her. But if it’s okay to ask, what happened to your father?”
He nodded. “It’s fine to ask. He passed away a decade ago.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. My father also passed away. He’s not been gone for a long time, but it has become easier. It’s been my mom and me for a while. He had a heart attack.”
“That had to be hard on you.”
I nodded and looked at my hands. “I wish I knew what to say about Autumn.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
I looked at him, and he offered an encouraging smile. His eyes lit up with hope, as if a new day would grant an escape from the pain. “My mom found a great support group and was able to get through it. She’s doing just fine.”
“That’s good to hear,” I said. “Well, if we’re going to do the family sharing, maybe first we should sit down and talk to Marshall?”
He smiled and laid his head back on the pillow next to me. “Yeah, I guess we should. But what do I say? ‘Hey, little man. Guess what? Your teacher is my girlfriend.’”
I grinned, and when Noah met my gaze, he chuckled.
“What’s the smile about?” he asked. “You look like the kid who was given free access to the cookie jar.”
I shrugged my right shoulder. “You called me your girlfriend.”
He returned my smile. “So I did.” Noah then reached for me and pulled me on top of him. It was so fast, I squealed, then laughed. He lifted up and met my lips with a kiss.
“Cara Murphy, you’re an amazing woman. And I have fallen in love with you.”
I smiled even bigger this time. I’d thought I’d loved Jeremy, but I’d been more in love with the idea of being in love. However, with Noah, it was different. This was life-changing, scream-from-the-rooftops-for-everyone-to-hear love.
“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you, Noah Hughes, and I never realized it until we met. You’ve managed to break down all of my walls and fill a damaged hole in my heart. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you.”
Noah sat us up and hugged my body to his. This was the second time anyone had ever held me this way. Last night was the first time.
I wanted my forever with my firefighter.
But how would I manage this with my career at school and Marshall being my student?
Chapter Twelve
Noah
That feeling when everything fell into place and you found yourself wondering, looking, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You knew it was too good to be true. The quickened heartbeat of finding love, the flips of the stomach when you thought of the person. Finding yourself searching for air to breathe because someone completely took your breath away.
It was how I felt about Cara. I hadn’t felt this since Autumn, and to be honest, the feeling frightened me. It was like approaching a burning building. I knew what to do and how to do it, but I suddenly found myself questioning everything I’d ever known.
It was a familiar situation, but everything about it scared me to death. Would I run inside to put out the fire like the hero I knew I was, or would I run and hide? I wasn’t a fucking coward, but this situation with Cara had me beyond scared. She claimed she was in love with me, but I couldn’t help the feeling of insecurity.
I was afraid she’d want to cut and run. I couldn’t fathom trying to recover from another broken heart, and I understood why she wouldn’t let her guard down to anyone. Walking in on your significant other cheating? That was a pain I’d never experienced. At the same time, Cara had never lost a lover the way I had lost Autumn.
Cara and I were two broken, lost souls looking to heal and find ourselves. And if I was fortunate enough to call her mine, she just might be the missing piece to make me whole again.
I stood in the center of my parents’ home and stared at the framed portraits on the wall. Pictures of me from kindergarten through high school hung in order—six on top, seven below. Then the portrait of when I graduated college with my forestry degree. I had graduated a few years before Marshall was born, and at one point, I had wanted to work in agriculture and maybe further my education in environmental science. However, when Autumn died, my college aspirations died with her.
Toward the end of the wall hung a framed poem my mother printed a few years ago. She enjoyed Robert Frost and had a few of his works on her bookshelves. I moved closer to the frame and read the words to his famous poem, “Fire and Ice.”
The purpose of the words didn’t make sense to me when I first read it, but with the loss of my wife and now finding Cara, the words rang clear.
My eyes burned with the threat of tears. Taking in a deep breath, I turned around and found my mother watching me.
“How long have you been standing there?”
She smiled and took a few steps forward. Time had been kind to her over the years. Her emerald eyes had laugh lines around them, and the same type of lines pulled the corners of her lips in a smile. Her hair hung to her shoulders and was a beautiful silver.
“Long enough,” she said. “What’s on your mind?”
I sighed. “Everything and nothing. I don’t even know where to begin.”
“How about starting from the beginning? Come on, I’ll make you some tea.”
I shook my head. “No time. I need to get Marshall home and in bed.”
She held her hand up and waved me off. “Not tonight, son. He’s been bathed and is already in bed. I read him a story, and he fell asleep shortly after. And there’s a bed already made up for you. So follow me to the kitchen and tell me what’s going on. I haven’t seen you this…hell, I don’t even know what to call this.”
I chuckled. “Fine, Mother. You win.” I yawned and didn’t want to argue. I was tired and wanted to be somewhere safe. Not that Cara’s or my home wasn’t safe, but here with my mom, I could be me. Sometimes I just needed to let all the stress and anxiety of the world go. This was a sanctuary for me, and I needed it more than I’d realized.
We made our way to the kitchen. The walls were wallpapered in a light yellow with soft sea-green leaves painted in a vertical stripe pattern. This was the same wallpaper I grew up with. I often offered to change it out for her, but
she enjoyed it still.
She filled two coffee mugs from the filtered water in her fridge, then put them in the microwave. She leaned against the counter and raised her brows. When I didn’t start to talk, she motioned with her hand as if to suggest I “continue.”
I sighed and lowered myself into one of the chairs at the dining room table and then slouched back.
“I met someone.” I looked up to meet her gaze.
She was smiling. “And?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know how I feel about it.”
“You don’t know how you feel about her or the situation?”
“Her? The situation? Both? Yeah…both.” I ran my hand through my hair and groaned. “And the guilt is eating my gut like it’s at an all-you-can-eat buffet.”
She raised her brows and chuckled. “Well, that’s a horrible description, son. Is it making you feel sick or something?”
“Yeah,” I said and stood when the microwave beeped. She pulled out both mugs and set them on the counter. She grabbed chamomile tea, and I picked an English breakfast one. We steeped our tea in silence while my stomach churned from the admission of my feelings.
“The guilt is more than I thought I could handle. I can’t eat, sleep, or function. I don’t want it to interfere with my job, but I also want to see more of her. And to be honest, Mom, she scares the hell out of me.”
She opened the fridge and pulled the heavy cream out for me. I put some in my tea and stirred it. When she put the creamer back, she turned to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
“You know it’s okay to be happy. You’re allowed to move on and find happiness with someone else.”
I put my hand over hers for a moment, then made my way back to the table and took a seat. My mother sat next to me. I stared at my tea and watched the swirls of the creamer as it settled.
“How did you meet?”
“Don’t judge me,” I grumbled under my breath.
She let a soft laugh go, then squeezed my hand. “Safe place, remember?”
I nodded and met her gaze. “I went to a club one night with some of my friends from work. That’s where we met.”