Wired Child

by Richard Freed

  Since the beginning of humankind, extended families have played an invaluable role in raising kids. Digital devices, in contrast, have no stake in a child’s future. They can’t compete with an invested grandparent’s or other family member’s loving presence. Do all you can to reach out to extended family. If you are a grandparent or other extended family member, realize how important you can be in a child’s life.

  Many parents don’t have the luxury of having grandparents or other relatives who can regularly participate in childcare. They still need help. So consider enrolling your child in a quality preschool or daycare that strongly limits or doesn’t incorporate screen time if you have the resources to do so. I also suggest accessing mature babysitters who can engage your kids without screens.

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  Keep Your Kids Close

  One reason many parents allow kids to spend long hours socially networking, online gaming, or texting—even if at the expense of family—is the belief that it’s developmentally appropriate for kids to detach from their parents and shift alliances to peers as they mature. Since today those peers are accessed online as much as or more than in real life, it should make sense to support kids’ open access to phones, computers, and online video gaming where peers are found, right? But the belief that detachment from family is a normal part of growing up is another harmful myth.

  KIDS NEED PARENTS MORE THAN THEY NEED PEERS

  In contrast to the picture painted by popular culture, children’s relationships with parents are more important to their health and welfare than their relationships with peers. While many parents may believe that this is only true for young children, it’s also true for preteens and teens. A study in The Journal of Youth and Adolescence reports that while a strong relationship with both parents and peers enhances the emotional health of kids 12 to 19 years old, the connection to parents actually matters more. The researchers write, “The quality of attachment to parents was significantly more powerful than that to peers in predicting well-being.”1 The study’s authors also found that adolescents who experienced high levels of stress were helped by their relationship with parents, while relationships with peers provided no such benefit.

  Why is it better for kids to have their primary bonds with parents? The reason is clear: Parents have more mature brains and a larger store of life experiences than children’s peers, which allows them to more skillfully guide kids through the challenges of growing up. In addition, parents invest in their children in a way that peers never can. Most of us would give our lives for our kids. In contrast, the strongest-appearing peer relationships can slowly fade, or even evaporate over the course of a few hours.

  As developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld and family physician Gabor Maté note in Hold On to Your Kids, a book that spotlighted the problem of today’s more peer-than parent-oriented kids: “Absolutely missing in peer relationships are unconditional love and acceptance, the desire to nurture, the ability to extend oneself for the sake of the other, the willingness to sacrifice for the growth and development of the other.”2 All too often preteens or teens I work with go to bed believing they have a best friend, only to find out when they arrive at school that late-night online drama has destroyed this relationship forever. Not surprisingly, as these kids watch the peer contact they so deeply depend on suddenly collapse, they can fall into depression and even consider suicide.

  Children should also form their primary alliances with parents because dominant peer bonds put kids at greater risk for delinquent behaviors and drug use.3 That’s because peer-oriented kids are apt to follow peers who make poor choices. As noted by Geoffrey Canada, founder of the Harlem Children’s Zone, an advocacy organization for lower-income families in New York City: “It is so much more dangerous for boys today because there aren’t any role models around for them. There’s some 15-year-old telling a 12-year-old what it means to be a man, and these children are really growing up under so much stress.”4

  Parents I work with who have encouraged their kids’ strong bonds with friends sometimes find themselves asking why their kids followed friends into using drugs or other kinds of trouble. In contrast, kids who have strong and primary attachments to parents resist peer pressure more readily and make better life choices.

  For the unfortunate circumstances in which children don’t have access to a healthy parent figure, see the subsequent section, “Foster Mentor Relationships,” for helpful strategies.

  Misjudging Why Kids Struggle

  Although it’s best that kids maintain their primary bonds with parents until they reach adulthood, the myth of detachment is strong in our culture and often leads parents to misattribute reasons for their children’s suffering.

  Thirteen-year-old Kayla’s parents brought her to counseling because she was hurt by the constant teasing of her friends at school and online. She was harassed daily about her appearance—her weight, clothes, and a mole on her cheek—even though nothing about her looks was out of the ordinary.

  Kayla’s parents felt that she most needed skills that would allow her to stand up for herself. When I met with Kayla, it became clear that her primary problem wasn’t the inability to defend herself, but that she was missing a close connection with her parents. Not feeling the love she needed from her mom and dad, Kayla felt compelled to seek constant attention from peers (including those with behavior problems), making her an easy target for them. Strengthening the bond with her parents helped Kayla, which in turn diminished her need to seek affirmation from all-too-often destructive peer contacts.

  HOW TECHNOLOGY SPEEDS DETACHMENT

  The shift from parent-to peer-orientation in America has been occurring for decades, influenced by factors such as the increasing hours parents spend working and the loss of extended family. However, new communication technologies have dramatically accelerated the premature detachment of kids from their parents’ love and attention. As Emory University professor Mark Bauerlein notes in The Dumbest Generation: “Peer pressure long preceded the microchip, of course, but e-mail, cell phones, and the rest have cranked it up to critical levels, fostering an all-peers-all-the-time network.”5

  It’s now common practice for kids to use their phones or computers to engage with peers while ignoring and even dismissing their parents. Occasions that have long been the domain of the family—including dinners and family gatherings—are now continually interrupted or don’t happen at all because kids are texting or chatting with friends on social networks.

  Nonetheless, the myth of detachment damps down parents’ concerns about their children’s and teens’ technology dependence. “We’re a typical family of today,” Ron, the father of three, told me, “We see each other around the house but the kids are usually caught up with their phones.” For such parents, there’s often no recognition that “family time” for kids—on a trip to the city or even around the home—has less to do with family and more to do with social networking and texting with friends, as well as the peer drama these technologies foster.

  Throwing Kids into the Arms of Peers

  Caught up in the myth of detachment, today’s parents may intentionally buy their children interactive gadgets or encourage kids to use them with the belief that connecting to peers is what their child needs most. Twelve-year-old Robert’s parents knew their son was depressed, so when he told them how much it helped to talk with friends, they were inclined to let him spend long hours on his phone, even if it meant less time with the family.

  Yet many peers Robert reached out to were depressed themselves—the boy’s own sadness was his passport to connecting with them. “Life sucks!,” he would send in a group text, and a bevy of online friends would reach out to soothe him. Over time, such experiences helped Robert feel that his online friends cared for him more and understood him better than his parents. However, these friendships were focused largely around emotional problems. This quashed Robert’s desire to feel better, as he knew deep down that if he told his friends he was no longer depressed
, he might lose this clan. The preteen’s online community—filled with kids suffering from their own mental health problems—was also a toxic environment, fostering unhealthy coping mechanisms like superficial cutting and blaming parents for woes.

  Contrary to our current ethic, middle-school-age-and-up kids such as Robert should not spend most of their lives electronically engaged with everyone and everything but family. Sure, kids need time to themselves and to be able to talk with friends. Nevertheless, they most need parents to be their rock, to provide unwavering support, a role their friends can’t be depended upon to play.

  Robert was helped when his parents realized that their ritual of watching shows downstairs for most of the evening left him feeling less wanted, and also encouraged him to seek out online contacts. Robert’s parents began to ask their son if there was a show he wanted to watch with them. They also shut off the TV for much of the evening. At first, everything seemed strangely silent, but then signs of family emerged—talk of school, peers, and other conversations which had long been absent. Such experiences helped Robert feel heard and important, which in turn lifted his mood.

  Technology’s Impact on Sibling Relations

  While a main focus of this book is technology’s impact on children’s relationships with parents, it’s important to consider how the overuse of technology is denying kids another family connection: their siblings. Growing up with my brother, who is my best friend, was immensely helpful to me. We were allies who shared the same experiences—good and bad. Like other close siblings, we developed our own language and jokes that helped us feel a part of our family. Research confirms the power of positive sibling relationships to boost children’s self-esteem and contribute other important qualities.6

  Increasingly, I see the profound draw of technology denying kids a relationship with a brother or sister. More often it’s younger siblings who tell me that an older sibling is consistently unavailable to them—headphones on, gaming, or door shut, texting. Older siblings sometimes need space from younger siblings, yet the pull of today’s technologies can totally shift the focus of older siblings away from their younger brothers and sisters.

  Most poignant are families struggling through a divorce, the death of a relative, or some other tragedy. During such times, the support of a brother or sister who is going through the same ordeal can really help kids. I used to encourage those with siblings to seek comfort in them, but as technology has increased the emotional distance between siblings I work with, I’ve become wary of making this suggestion in order to avoid false expectations.

  HELPING KIDS MAINTAIN THEIR CONNECTION WITH FAMILY

  Because it’s so vital that kids keep their primary attachment with parents, consider the following steps to build and sustain a close relationship with your child or teen.

  Don’t Misinterpret Pleas for Peer Connection

  When I suggest to parents that they are more important to their kids than peers, parents sometimes remark, “Not for my child. Mine constantly demands to be in touch with friends.” There’s no doubt that today’s kids—especially girls—demonstrate a hunger for tech-accessed peer connections. As leadership authority Rachel Simmons says in her revised edition of Odd Girl Out, “It is not uncommon for a girl to say, ‘I don’t exist if I’m not on Facebook.’ Many girls sleep with their cell phones on their chests, waiting for them to vibrate with news in the night. They treat their cell phones like extensions of their bodies and are inconsolable if they lose access.”7

  Nonetheless, kids’ cravings for peer, rather than parent, connection should not be viewed as an indication of the strength of peer relationships, but instead of their weakness. While kids generally won’t admit it, in their heart-of-hearts they know that without constant attention to maintaining these connections, even their best friendships can cool surprisingly quickly. Their friends may wander off to greener pastures to find someone who is more popular or serves their interests better.

  Kids don’t show the same urgency to connect with their parents because they understand the relative permanence of these relationships, that mom and dad are much less likely to walk away than their friends. The knowledge of the relative importance of parent vs. peer relationships should encourage you to reach out to your child or teen, and to feel good about setting technology limits that help your kids to bond more closely with you than with peers.

  Show Your Child the Advantages of Parent Attachment

  How can we help our children and teens understand that their relationship with us serves them best over time? Show them through words and actions every day.

  Sure we should encourage our kids to have friends—and close ones at that. However, starting from about the time your children enter elementary school, let them know, in an age-appropriate way, what makes your relationship with them special. Help them understand that you will always love them, even when you disagree. Emphasize that you will always have their back, you will always advocate for their best interests. You may not always make the right decisions, but you will be accountable for your mistakes.

  I also believe we need to help our kids recognize that no matter what is promised them, such attributes cannot be expected of friends. While this may sound insensitive, the myth of detachment and its unrealistic expectations of what childhood friends can provide sets too many kids up for heartache and despair as they confront the realities of childhood and adolescence.

  Because kids have a “show me” mentality, we need to back up our words with actions. Even after a bad day at work, we need to spend quality time with our kids. We need to attend their practices and games, and offer our time (“Hey, what do you want to do on Sunday?”) We need to consider parenting less as something that happens on twice-yearly vacations, and understand that it’s about the everyday responsibilities of helping our kids through their lives. If we have to work late sometimes, our kids will forgive us. Yet if we tell our kids repeatedly that we don’t have time to be with them, and they find us watching the game on TV or chatting with friends online, our kids will turn against us and align with peers.

  Something else we can offer our kids that their friends can’t is the ability to uphold our relationship through difficult and stressful periods. Disputes among childhood friends often lead to disconnection, sometimes short-lived, sometimes permanent. In contrast, we need to show our kids that our relationship with them is far more durable, outlasting any argument.8 This means that even when we can’t stand our child’s or teen’s behavior, we must do our best not to do or say hurtful things that damage the relationship. The strategies psychologist Michael J. Bradley offers in Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! are helpful in maintaining the loving relationship our older kids need with us, even through hard times.9

  Foster Mentor Relationships

  For years, authors have raised red flags about the loss of adult mentors in children’s lives. Rightfully so, as raising healthy children is best accomplished with a supporting cast. Since the beginning of time, we have depended on grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, and members of communities to lend a helping hand and provide an extended family. Today, kids who have less access to mentors are more likely to seek peers to connect with via technology.

  What our children find online are primarily horizontal connections, meaning that they connect with peers of a similar developmental level. However, our kids most need vertical relationships, or connections in which they can look to someone older, wiser, with a fully mature brain and substantial life experience. We need to do a better job of cultivating kids’ relationships with relatives, teachers, coaches, church leaders, and other adult caregivers who will provide kids the guidance they need to grow into healthy adults. This is especially important in preteen and teen years, as kids’ hormonal and brain changes increase the likelihood of at least some conflict with parents.

  One of the most important steps we can take to encourage kids’ vertical connections is to limit their use of screens. In her book The Shelter of Each Other, psychologist
Mary Pipher says that too many kids are denied intergenerational connections because, as soon as extended family arrive at the home, they slide away or are sent away to engage with a screen. Nevertheless, as Pipher reminds us, “Children learn from grown-ups. They hear their stories, their jokes, their trials and tribulations. They learn the rich and idiosyncratic use of language that occurs in families. They hear the cautionary tales and moral fables. They learn the wrong and the right ways to do things.”10

  An example of mentoring available to kids from many walks of life is an activity our older daughter has become involved in called Girls on the Run.11 Offered in 200 locations across the US and Canada, the program provides 3rd-to 8th-grade girls a chance to run with and be coached by primarily female adult mentors (only females can be head coaches; males can be assistant coaches). The focus is less on athletic performance than building self-esteem.

  Making it all work are the dedicated coaches, who by their example show girls the ways of strength and compassion. These coaches recognize the potential that each girl has, and with a well-timed comment or a pat on the back help them make the most of their abilities. The value of programs such as Girls on the Run needs to be recognized and made available to all our nation’s children—both boys and girls.

  Our nation also faces the particular challenge of providing kids with positive adult male role models. My practice is a microcosm of our nation’s struggle to raise children with two involved parents, especially fathers. Increasingly, American children are raised in single-parents homes, mostly by moms.12 After parents separate, many fathers become largely absent in children’s lives.13 Too many kids are starving for adult male mentors.