If You Were Here

by Alice Peterson

  ‘You never once wanted to leave him? It didn’t get too much?’ she asks, gently.

  ‘Occasionally,’ I confess.

  ‘You looked after him like a saint, Granny.’

  ‘Oh, Flo, that’s not true. I used to shout at Tim for breaking yet another plate or forgetting that he’d left the oven on and burning our supper. Then there was the time when Tim left the bathwater running for three hours and I came home to a flood. I knew none of it was his fault, but you’d have to be a saint not to get frustrated, and believe me, I was far from one. Sometimes I had to go into the garden and scream. Other times I had to take the dog out for a walk to calm myself down and hear myself think. Often I dreamt about packing my bags and never coming home.’

  ‘Why didn’t you?’

  ‘Love.’ I realize that’s not a good enough answer. It goes deeper than that. ‘A sense of duty and commitment.’

  ‘If I did take the test, and tested positive, or if things did become . . . well, I wouldn’t want Theo to feel he has to stay with me out of duty.’

  ‘I didn’t mean it quite like that. Oh, how can I put it?’ I look at Flo, understanding what concerns her. ‘It’s not until you truly love someone Flo, that you realize you’ll do anything for them, no matter what. Tim was my world, my rock, my best friend, and in the years when I couldn’t turn to him for advice, when I had to care for him full-time, he was still there for me, Flo. He was always the man I married, just hidden under the blanket of HD. The love never went away. If anything, it grew.’

  ‘It’s a lot to ask of anyone, though, isn’t it?’

  ‘There was never a question, Flo.’

  ‘Even to live with someone who could possibly be gene positive?’

  ‘Give Theo the chance to make that choice. There’s so much more help out there now,’ I add, ‘much more than there was for Tim and me. There are better treatments and new drugs in the pipeline. There may even be a cure one day.’

  ‘Do you really believe that?’

  ‘Yes,’ I reply, because I have to now. Deep down I couldn’t face Beth taking the test because I didn’t want anything to steal my hope that she didn’t have the gene. ‘None of us know what’s round the corner. Anything is possible, Flo.’

  ‘How would you tell Theo, Granny?’

  I reach for her hand. ‘I’m not the person to ask.’ Still, she waits for me to continue. ‘You have to tell him in your own way,’ I suggest, ‘but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, and probably your mother learned it too, is that the longer you wait, the harder it becomes.’

  40

  Beth’s Diary, 1998

  I’ve had quite a day. I told Graham I was taking the afternoon off work to see my dentist for a root canal filling. I couldn’t tell him I was seeing a genetic counsellor because he doesn’t want me to take the test.

  Amanda Harding is in her forties, auburn hair, slim build, dark rimmed glasses and a nametag around her neck. The first thing she asked me was why I wanted to come to the genetics clinic. I was shocked to find out that about eighty per cent of people at risk don’t want to find out if they have the gene or not. Amanda said often they think they do, but counselling can change their mind. Yet this still didn’t sway me. I told her I wanted to take the test sooner rather than later, maybe even today if possible? She didn’t answer, instead telling me to go to back to the beginning, that it helped to draw a family tree.

  We talked about Flo, and how she was a big reason why I felt I needed to know. Surely finding out I was negative would release her from the burden I was facing now? She agreed, telling me release was the biggest reason people took the test.

  We also talked about Graham and how we’d been together for almost two years now, and were beginning to talk about having a family. I told Amanda he knew all about my father’s HD and was very supportive. What I didn’t let on was that I was seeing her behind his back. As far as he’s concerned, he’s prepared to take the risk that I might get HD. He’s determined to believe I’ll be okay.

  ‘Sure, there’s a fifty per cent chance you have it, but there’s also a fifty per cent chance you don’t,’ he says.

  I fibbed to Amanda yet again and said that if Graham and I were to start a family we both wanted me to get tested. She understood, but did ask if I’d thought about the repercussions if the results weren’t what I hoped for.

  She had to feel sure I could face either result. She stressed I needed time.

  ‘I’ve had far too much time to think about it already,’ I protested. ‘And time isn’t going to make any difference to the test.’

  ‘But time will make a difference as to how you respond to it,’ she said, her tone challenging.

  The mood in the room dipped further when she suggested I bring my mother or Graham to my next appointment. I lost my cool then, saying both of them worked, but supported me one hundred per cent.

  One lie can easily breed another.

  Amanda said she wasn’t trying to put barriers in my way, that it may well be the right thing for me to find out, but she was obliged, under international guidelines, to give people at least three appointments before they made up their mind. The counselling process normally took months, for some it took longer, even years. Everyone is different.

  ‘What would you do, if you were me?’ I asked eventually.

  She took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes, saying she couldn’t answer that. ‘All I can say is if you did test positive, Beth, there is support. I am always humbled by how families pull together. I have seen some truly amazing things in my time working here.’

  When I returned home, Graham and Flo were cooking brownies, Flo laughing as she licked the wooden spoon.

  ‘How did the dentist go?’ he asked, giving me a hug, before I opened the fridge – anything to avoid eye contact – and reached for a bottle of wine. ‘As both my favourite girls are with me, I have something to say,’ Graham continued, ‘well, something to ask. I was going to wait until our anniversary next week,’ he said to me, before I watched him dig into his pocket to retrieve a small black box. He knelt down on bended knee. ‘Elizabeth Andrews,’ he said, ‘will you marry me?’

  I almost dropped the bottle of wine. I didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Say yes, Mummy!’ Flo said, jumping up and down with excitement.

  ‘I didn’t think you believed in marriage?’ was all I could utter.

  ‘Nor did I until I met you. I want us to be a proper family and have kids of our own.’ He turned to my daughter. ‘What do you reckon, Flo?’

  What a silly question to ask her. She was already sitting at the kitchen table designing her bridesmaid dress.

  As for me . . .

  All I could think about was the joyful day Graham turned up on his motorbike to fix my nasty grey computer. I was so relieved that I didn’t have to buy another one that, without thinking, I gave him a hug, before asking how much I owed.

  ‘Dinner?’ he had said. And now, almost two years on from that dinner, we have the chance to share our future together.

  So I said yes.

  I’m going to arrange my second appointment with Amanda. I have to find out, and then I can put this behind me, once and for all.

  41

  Flo

  ‘Good luck,’ says Maddie down the telephone. ‘Theo will understand. You’re doing the right thing, I promise.’

  I take a deep breath, wishing I felt stronger.

  Maddie must pick up on my nerves because she asks if James is home.

  ‘He’ll be back around nine.’

  ‘Good. I don’t want you to be alone.’

  ‘I’m cooking him supper.’

  She laughs. ‘What’s he done to deserve that?’

  Something tells me to keep quiet about the fact he has slept in my bed for the past few nights; that he has been the rock I have clung on to since I found out the news.

  ‘How did the interview go by the way?’ I ask, suddenly remembering Maddie was meeting the director of King
Lear this week.

  ‘I got it,’ she says quietly, as if she’s ashamed to have good news.

  ‘Oh my God!’ I gasp, ‘Why didn’t you say something before?’

  ‘Because it’s not that important—’

  ‘It is important,’ I argue, resolutely telling myself to send her some flowers tomorrow. ‘Whatever shit is happening in my life I always want to hear your good news, okay?’

  ‘Fine,’ she says, with a smile in her voice. ‘I am pretty chuffed.’

  ‘So you should be. Congratulations, Maddie.’

  I glance at my watch. It’s eight thirty, so it will be mid afternoon for Theo. When I called him earlier today he was in yet another meeting and asked me to call him back around this time. ‘Go,’ Maddie says, sensing I need to get this call over and done with. ‘And if you need me, I’m here, at the end of the line, or I can jump on a train.’

  ‘You’re the best,’ I say, touched. ‘I don’t know what I’d have done without you Baileys.’

  After I end the call with Maddie, I dial Theo’s number.

  I can do this, I say to myself.

  Besides, I can’t keep on lying to him. My time is up. My heart is in my mouth when I hear the international dialling tone.

  ‘Flo,’ he says. ‘Sorry about earlier, it’s been crazy busy recently. How are you?’

  ‘I’m good,’ is my kneejerk response.

  ‘And Peggy?’

  ‘Theo, we need to talk.’

  ‘This sounds ominous.’

  ‘It’s important; it’s something I should have told you sooner.’

  ‘You’re still coming, right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘For a moment I thought you were about to call the whole thing off,’ he says, relief flooding his voice. When he notices I’m not laughing with him, ‘Flo, what is it? What’s wrong?’

  ‘I don’t know where to start.’

  ‘You’re scaring me,’ he says, which is something I suspect Theo has never confessed to anyone.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I take another deep breath. ‘I wasn’t entirely honest with you. Granny isn’t unwell.’

  ‘Sorry? What do you mean?’

  ‘She hasn’t been in hospital.’

  ‘I’m not following.’

  ‘Please don’t be angry.’

  ‘Flo, just tell me.’

  He waits.

  I glance at the piece of paper in front of me with the notes I made. ‘Granny told me that Granddad died of Huntington’s Disease.’

  ‘Right,’ he says, clearly none the wiser. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘It’s a neurological condition,’ I say, trying to keep my voice level and calm. I hear him tapping some keys. ‘I’m sorry, but what’s that got to do with us?’ he asks. ‘Ah, here it is.’

  ‘Theo, don’t look it up.’

  ‘It says here it’s hereditary. Did your mum have it?’

  ‘Yes. I’ve only just found out.’

  ‘I don’t understand. How come you didn’t know any of this?’

  ‘Granny kept it from me, and so did Mum.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘It says here there’s a fifty-fifty chance . . . oh my God, Flo.’

  ‘I could have it too,’ I say quietly.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me this instead of making up news about Peggy?’

  ‘I wanted to, but—’

  ‘You should have told me, right from the start, instead of—’

  ‘I wish I had,’ I interrupt, ‘but I could hardly explain it to myself, let alone to you.’

  There’s a long silence.

  ‘I’m sorry, Theo. You have every right to be cross, but please try to understand: this came as a massive shock and I needed time to get my head around it.’

  ‘I understand,’ he says, his tone finally softening, until he adds, ‘but I still can’t believe Peggy didn’t tell you this until now. How fucking irresponsible.’

  ‘It was hard for her,’ I say, surprised by how quickly I rush to her defence.

  ‘You had a right to know. In fact, so did I.’

  ‘She’s desperately sorry.’

  ‘Sorry? It’s a bit too late to say sorry, isn’t it? This is unbelievable,’ he says, as if he’s still reading something off his screen. ‘So where does this leave us?’

  ‘I still love you. I want to be with you.’

  ‘Right,’ he states matter-of-factly.

  ‘But obviously, like you said, this does affect you too.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Let’s talk about this when I’m with you. I’ve been looking into flights. Theo?’

  ‘It says here—’

  ‘There’s a lot of scaremongering online,’ I warn him, recalling what James had said to me.

  ‘What if you test positive, Flo?’

  ‘I’m not sure I will even take the test, but if I do, it doesn’t have to be the end. There are new treatments, more support and research,’ I say, echoing Granny last night. ‘Look, I’m packed and ready. I miss you.’ He doesn’t say he misses me back, so I continue, ‘we can talk this through, together. I just had to tell you everything now. I couldn’t keep it from you any longer.’

  ‘This is a lot to take in. Not now!’ I overhear him shout. ‘I’m on an important call. Leave it on my desk. Sorry, Flo. I have to go.’

  ‘Can we talk later?’ I say, noticing the desperation in my voice. ‘Theo, I was right to tell you, wasn’t I?’

  ‘You had to, but—’

  ‘But what?’

  ‘This is a lot to take in,’ he repeats.

  I wait for him to say something positive and reassuring, something that tells me we’re in this together. ‘I know,’ I say, filling in the painful silence. ‘But I need you. I can’t do this on my own.’

  Please say something. Anything.

  ‘Listen, I’ll call you back,’ he says.

  ‘Theo?’

  ‘I can’t think straight. This is huge, Flo. I need time, okay? Give me time.’

  ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you too,’ he says, offering me a tiny crumb of hope that we still have a future, before he hangs up.

  42

  Beth’s Diary, 1998

  What have I done? Oh my God, what have I done? Graham grabbed his bike helmet and left, and I have this awful feeling that it’s over, that he’s not coming back.

  I can’t believe how angry he was when I told him the news.

  It’s been a week after getting the results and I’ve been motionless, operating on autopilot the entire time; I’ve spent half my time in bed. Graham thought I had some nasty virus. He even began to wonder if I could be pregnant. But when he suggested ringing a doctor, I knew my time was running out. I had to tell him.

  So I did, tonight, while Flo was having her first sleepover at Maddie’s house. I bought a bottle of his favourite red wine and cooked his favourite meal. I reassured myself repeatedly that at least we know now, that it would be okay, as long as I was brave for Graham. This world I was bringing him into is familiar to me, but foreign to him.

  I could do this. Be strong, for both of us. After all, hadn’t I told Amanda unequivocally that I was ready for the results?

  ‘I’m gene positive,’ I said to him, my heart racing, still unable to believe it myself. I said how sorry I was that I’d taken the test behind his back, that the last thing I’d wanted to do was to hide anything from him but I’d needed to put my mind at rest, especially if we were going to have children.

  He didn’t say a word. He just stared at me.

  ‘I can’t live my life without a map,’ I stressed.

  ‘You need a map,’ he said slowly, ‘but what about me, Beth?’

  ‘I know this must be a shock—’

  ‘A shock?’

  ‘I understand it’s a lot for you to—’

  ‘In this world none of us know what’s going to happen next; we don’t have a crystal ball. Isn’t that the
beauty of life, the unknown, the adventure?’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Beth, I was ready to marry you but now . . . now we know exactly which way we’re heading.’

  ‘I know it’s not the result we hoped for, but at least we can plan, we can make every day count, and—’

  He stood up, shouting, ‘I didn’t want a fucking map! Why did you have to find out? Can’t you see this ruins everything?’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ I begged, rushing to his side. ‘I need you.’

  But he backed away, as if he couldn’t bear to be anywhere near me.

  ‘We can work this out. I can’t do this on my own,’ I said.

  ‘You went behind my back,’ he replied, his tone as cold as stone. ‘You chose to find out, Beth, but you’re not the only person this affects, you know.’

  I was crying by then. ‘I wanted to be able to tell you we’d be okay. I was doing this for us.’

  ‘You weren’t doing this for me! You didn’t think of me once, did you?’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘Why didn’t you at least ask me what I thought, then? All these appointments you’ve been going to secretly, pretending you were at the dentist. How can this work if I can’t even trust you?’

  ‘I’m sorry, I really am. I should have said something, but I wanted to have a family knowing they weren’t at risk, can’t you see that? I wanted Flo to be free.’

  ‘Well, now you know she’s not. Well done.’ I was taken aback by the scorn in his voice. ‘You have your map and Flo has hers too.’

  ‘But surely she has a right to know? Don’t you think I have a responsibility—’

  ‘What are you going to say to your mother?’ he said, refusing to listen. ‘How are you going to drop that bombshell?’ He turned away from me. ‘Oh, Beth, what have you done?’

  43

  Flo

  Theo doesn’t call me later that night, and I barely sleep, tossing and turning. One moment I’m reassuring myself that he just needs time, that we’ll get through this, then the next I’m replaying our conversation over and over again, and rereading Mum’s diary, believing it’s over, that Theo will walk away just as Graham did.

  I imagine Theo sitting in his office, continuing to look up HD online and thinking this isn’t what he signed up for.