Three Little Snowmen (Damned of the 2/19th)

by Timothy Willard

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  About the Author

  Timothy Willard is a father of four with two grand-children. A Cold War veteran of the US Army, he was released after his third medical board refused to return him to full duty. He’s worked in a factory, was a bartender, worked in a cannery, did construction, worked at two big store chains, worked for a carnival, as a cable-slinger for a nation-wide cable company, and other jobs. When he’s not writing, he’s watching TV with his grandchildren and kids.

  Damned of the 2/19th Lexicon

  The following is a list of terms for those who may be uncertain of the military lexicon used in this series.

  (P): Promotable. Meaning that the person has been before the promotion board and recommended for promotion by their superiors. Often the addition of the (P) designation behind the rank turned the guy into an asshole. Those who suffered from the “tin god” syndrome were usually never actually promoted. Not worth a damn in practice, but you still want it.

  100 MPH Tape: Nickname for the military version of duct tape, the non-adhesive side was OD green matte. Used in everything from fixing mufflers to quick bandages to silencing gear that might rattle on an LBE to slapping on someone’s hairy back.

  1SG: First Sergeant, the highest ranking NCO in the unit. He’s thinks you’re an incompetent dumbass, you think he’s an asshole. Both of you are right. He hates you more than you hate him, and you’ll probably get him killed. If he doesn’t kill you first. Oh, and he’s probably going to go crazy and murder an orderly room clerk.

  2/19th Special Weapons Group: A battalion sized unit responsible for handling a large amount of chemical and nuclear weaponry stored in West Germany in spite of treaties and international agreements. The unit was made up of: Headquarter’s Platoon, Planning and Security Platoon, Motorpool Platoon, Sustainment Platoon, First through Third Magazine Platoons. Each platoon was over-strength according to common US Army TO&E at the time, weighing in at anywhere from 40 to 80 members. As a group it was commanded by a Colonel or Lieutenant Colonel, while the highest ranking NCO was typically a Command Sergeant Major or Sergeant Major, who filled the office of “First Sergeant.” It’s motto was: Finish the Fight! It had no patch, and soldiers assigned usually wore 3rd CosCom or V Corps. By the second year officers and upper NCO’s wore V Corps, while enlisted and lower NCO’s wore 3rd CosCom. It’s where you now live, probably where you’re going to die. You love it here.

  3rd Coscom/III CosCom: Third Corps Support Command. A section of V Corps, mostly responsible for support. The size of a division, but relegated to a support role. It’s motto was: Sustaining the Line! One of the patches authorized for 2/19th soldiers to wear. These assholes usually send idiotic inspectors to inspect shit that hasn’t changed since the last inspection. You hate them.

  5th Corps/V Corps: One of the units under USAREAR. It’s motto was: It Will Be Done! Another patch the soldiers of 2/19th were authorized to wear. Why will it be done? They’re gonna make you do it and get awards for it. You hate them too.

  550 Cord: Thin OD green cord, approximately ¼" thick, nylon weave jacket over a nylon strand core. Impressively strong for its size, bulk, and weight. Don’t leave home without it. Good for strangling smartasses with.

  Active Duty: Military personnel who were part of the standing military. In other words, you and every other American jerk-off in Western Germany.

  ACQ: Assistant Charge of Quarters. Usually responsible for answering the phones, doing security checks, and logging events within the barracks. Typically an E–4 or E–4(P). Usually the guy who actually does all the checks while the CQ sleeps. The poor bastard.

  Acting Jack: An E–4 who has been pinned with E–5 rank but not actually promoted. Usually resents the Hell out of doing an E–5’s job and only being paid E–4. He’s probably plotting to kill you.

  ADD: Assistant Duty Driver. Should there be a need for a vehicle to be dispatched to perform any errands, the assistant duty driver was the first to go out with a vehicle while the Duty Driver slept. He’s probably going to die in a vehicle wreck and be eaten by wolves.

  Aid Bag: A small bag containing simple medical equipment, including an IV setup. Just more shit to carry, and you’ll probably get shot in the face before you can use it.

  AIT: Advanced Individual Training: Where soldiers learned to perform the tasks required by them by their MOS after completing basic training. When you get to the unit, forget everything you learned about safety procedures and all that other crap. Just kick the ammo off the back of the truck. Maybe you’ll get lucky and it’ll blow up.

  Alcohol: Friend. Lover. Secret confident. It’s the only thing that makes the pain and hate go away. Part of a balanced diet.

  Alcoholic: You and everyone you know. If they aren’t an alcoholic, they’re either CID, a Soviet spy, or a psychopath. Well, not CID, he probably drinks more than you. So they’re either a Soviet Spy or a psychopath. Kill them before they kill you. Kill them. Now.

  APDSFSDU-T: Armor Piercing Discarding Sabot Fin Stabilized Depleted Uranium Tracer round. Usually a tank round. Considered a huge pain in the ass by people who had to handle them, including the tankers. Warning: Do not lick or stick in any bodily orifices.

  Arms Room: Where the unit’s weapons and basic load of ammunition were stored. Always a high security area with heavy locks and usually a metal lattice of steel bars over the door. The Arms Room NCO was usually considered the laziest person in the unit, and nobody liked him or her when it came time to turn in weapons after qualification firing or long field exercises as they always demanded that the weapons be returned cleaner than they left the factory. Many weapons had their bluing, applied to cut down on reflections and visibility, scrubbed away due to the demands of Arms Rooms NCO’s. You hate the Arms Room and the guy who seems to live in it. He hates you. Oh, and your weapon will always break during qualification, proving that the arms room and your weapon is plotting against you.

  ARTEP:Army Training and Evaluation Program, usually the first or second training exercise of the year, allowing the Army to evaluation a unit’s performance. Many units perform PRE-ARTEP in order to prepare for the important evaluation. Usually looked at as a nuisance by the lower enlisted, while stressed over by the highest rankings, who receive performance ratings. You couldn’t care less, it’s just more work, but at least you aren’t at the barracks.

  Article–15: A form of non-judicial punishment. Used for minor offenses, usually consisting of a reduction in rank, forfeiture of up to 1 months’ pay, and restriction to the barracks for 30 days, as well as up to 90 days extra duty. Very common in 2/19th. Usually for alcohol abuse or fighting. If you haven’t gotten one, you just haven’t been caught. If neither is the case, they’re a spy, kill them. Before they kill you. Or sacrifice them to the mountain to spare your own life. Either way, everyone has one. The record will be 387 of them in one month. You got two that month. They were worth it.

  ASP: Ammunition Supply Point. Used during peacetime to provide ammunition for training exercises. In the event of war the ASP would provide the initial loadout if possible, and take over for any FSTS sites destroyed by enemy action or self-destruction to prevent the site from falling into enemy hands. Usually staffed by anal retentive dicks. You both hate each other.

  Atlas: The unofficial nickname of FSTS–317/NATO Site 93, one of the largest FSTS sites in Western Germany during the latter days of the Cold War. Larger even than most of the ASP’s. It was designed to support 11 ACR, parts of 8th Infantry Division, parts of 3rd Armor Division, and several NATO units, including French, West German, and British units. Built to withstand a nuclear hit and multiple airstrikes. Considered a “hot-site” due to
nuclear and chemical weapons being stored there, in direct violation of treaties. At Atlas, you’re safe from everyone else.

  Basic Load: At the time consisting of 3 fragmentation grenades, 1 white phosphorous smoke grenade, six or eight 30-round magazines, with four magazines of pistol ammunition issued to officers and some NCO’s. With any luck, you’ll survive long enough to use some it. Probably, you’ll be radioactive vapor before you even draw it from the armory.

  BCO: Battalion Commanding Officer. Usually a Colonel. He hates your unit, and you personally, even though he’s never seen you. You just know he does. The dick. And he probably gave your unit’s award to his precious Headquarters Company. Those assholes.

  BDU’s: Battle Dress Uniform, at the end of the Cold War a woodland camouflage that came in winter and summer versions. Active Duty Army moved to BDU’s beginning in 1981, with National Guard and reserve taking until 1989 to fully move to BDU’s. BDU’s were badly affected by the tradition of starching a uniform, as being starched even once ruined the thermal and infra-red protective coating and damages the fabric. However, almost every unit insisted that the uniform be starched and creased. Additionally, the uniform suffered from being too generic, making it too hot and heavy for hotter climates (even with the summer uniform) and too thin for colder environments (even with the “increased” protection of the winter BDU’s). Members of 2/19th were not allowed to wear BDU’s while not on duty or allowed to travel between post and home while in uniform, and FSTS “crews” often wore only the 3rd CosCom or V Corps unit patch, rather than the Special Troops or Special Weapons patch. You don’t bother starching them, since nobody likes you anyway.

  Big Red One AKA The Big Red Dumb: The nickname of First Infantry Division of the US Army. From what you’ve been able to tell the division is full of know it all jerkoffs who don’t know shit about living in Hell.

  Bremerhaven: A large naval port in Northern Germany where munitions, vehicles, and equipment arrived. It’s cold, damp, and smells like a dead hooker’s ass.

  Butterbar: A derogatory term toward many recently commissioned Second Lieutenants, who’s rank insignia was a gold bar. Usually ROTC candidates, many “Butterbars” were known for being out of touch with what was really going on, or you viewed them as just plain stupid. Most of the time, you’re right. The only thing more dangerous than a drunken tanker is a butterbar with a compass and a map.

  C-DAT: Computerized DumbAss-Tanker, a derogatory term used for tankers. Many soldiers consider it amazing that tankers can speak legibly, while tankers usually are convinced everyone else is inferior. You hate them because they stay dry and warm. Fuck those guys.

  CIA: Central Intelligence Agency, an oxymoron. These guys still think it’s Vietnam and that the Army is disposable assets for them to blame shit on. They think they’re the guardians of democracy. You think they’re nun raping scumbags not even worth the bullet to shoot them.

  CID: Criminal Investigations Division, sometimes used for counter-espionage during the Cold War. CID also performed background checks and inspected a unit to ensure that secure items were properly stored. 2/19th usually had at least 1 undercover CID agent embedded. CID agents posted to 2/19th hated everyone and drank to make the hate go away, so it was hard to tell them from everyone else. Somehow, he’s more paranoid than you. Um, good job?

  Class-A’s: Short for Class-A Uniform, the standard dress uniform of the US Army. Considered a pain in the ass by the enlisted. They’re ugly, itchy, and hot.

  CO: Commanding Officer. He’s amazed you can get through each day without accidently killing yourself or damaging something actually expensive. You think he’s an arrogant dick. Both of you want the other one to just somehow keep from killing you. He’s probably going to stand on the roof of his car and shoot at you while screaming profanity. Unfortunately, you’ll live.

  Combat Lifesaver: The term used for the class and the personnel who had completed the class. A combat lifesaver was trained to treat more extensive injuries, as well as give an IV. When you need him he’ll either step on a land mine or get shot in the head before he can help you. When you don’t need him, he’s always bugging you to let him practice putting IV’s in you when the two of you get drunk. You’ll end up carrying his aid bag.

  CQ: Charge of Quarters. Usually a low ranking NCO (E–5 and above) who was in charge of security checks, answering phones, and logging any events. Usually slept while the ACQ did those duties.

  CONUS: CONtinental United States. AKA Stateside AKA The World. Where all the lucky people live. You hate them.

  CQ: The name for the group of soldiers responsible for the barracks. Includes the CQ, ACQ, DD, and ADD. Personnel on CQ were typically assigned for 24 hours, with the following 24 hours off. Often used as a punishment duty on the weekends. CQ Duty sucks and everyone hates it. The CO thinks it’s funny to put married people on CQ on holidays. You piss in his potted plants while you’re on CQ to show him how funny that is.

  Corporal: The lowest rank of NCO, an E–4. Usually made to do the work of a SGT or other E–5. Often used for positions of leadership, always used by the combat MOS’s. Because they’re dicks who want to make sure they outrank everyone else. This is you. Everyone hates you. You do the job of an E–5 or E–6. People have tried to murder you twice. That’s OK, you hate everyone, and those two guys are dead. You’d rather go back to being a SP4, but you obviously were Hitler or Stalin in a past life, because you’re still a Corporal. You probably were.

  CUC-V: Commercial Utility Cargo Vehicle, a light vehicle, usually a Chevy Blazer. Came in several different models. Commonly considered a piece of junk and a deathtrap if combat broke out due to a lack of armor. If you’re lucky, it won’t burst into flame when you put your keys in the ignition. If you’re unlucky, it’ll run fine and you’ll have to go to work.

  DARPA: Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. A bunch of brainiacs who have never been in the field who design equipment for combat that they’ll never see. Behind such brainchilds as the Sergeant York, NVG–6’s, and all the other useless crap in the unit. If you ever meet anyone from DARPA, you’re going to punch them right in their mouth. They tried to recruit you after AIT, but you thought the guy was hitting on you. Sometimes, you’re not that bright.

  Deadline/Deadlined: Meaning that the vehicle or piece of equipment was not fit for service due to mechanical problems. Often safety equipment being broken would deadline a vehicle. Some vehicles were deadlined for dents in the doors while others were still active when the engine burst into flames at any speed higher than 25 mph.

  DoA: Department of the Army, AKA “Those assholes who sent us here.” Everyone in the Army hates them.

  DoD: Department of Defense, AKA “Those assholes who did this to us.” Everyone in the military hates them.

  Dogtags: Small tabs of metal, usually on a beaded metal chain, that has the soldier’s name, social security, blood type, and religious affiliation stamped into them. Used to identify bodies. Not having them on you was an Article–15 offense. You use yours to open beer bottles.

  Dwonk: A kind of catchall for idiot, dumbass, know it all, whatever. It pretty much covers you and all of yours friends. Beats what people call you most of the time.

  Duty Driver: The on-call soldier in charge of taking a vehicle to perform errands such as picking up stranded soldiers, taking paperwork to where it belonged, and other tasks requiring the use of a vehicle. Usually slept while the ADD did the real work and claims he did everything that the ADD did in the logs.

  E-#: Enlisted grade. The number refers to the rank, the higher the number, the higher the rank. During the Cold War there were two rank structures. Corporal and the Sergeant ranks for combat personnel or leadership positions and Specialist ranks (Up to Master Sergeant) for non-combat MOS’s. Officers consider them lower life forms, and the lower your grade, the more vermin you are. That’s OK, because everyone knows officers are just people who couldn’t make it as enlisted.

  Engineer’s Tape: Clo
th weave strip, usually white, but also in OD green, roughly 2" wide and 1/8th inch thick, that usually is on a roll of at least 150 feet. Typically used to mark areas off by engineers, tie things together, or pull heavy objects. Also good to rappel out of your room to avoid getting put on details. Also good for tying up Nagle on nights when you’re feeling kinky.

  Enlisted: The lowest ranking soldiers, usually held in contempt as barely sentient by many officers and upper NCO’s. Enlisted in 2/19th who were assigned to the Magazine Platoons were often referred to as “Animals”.

  ETS: Exited Term of Service. Leaving the military. This can be due to time obligation being fulfilled, or release by the US Army. The most common way of leaving 2/19th. Preferable to the other way. In a body bag.

  Extra Duty: Part of the Article–15 punishment, Extra Duty personnel were assigned tasks such as waxing and buffing common areas, general building maintenance, and area beautification. All punishment tasks took place during non-duty hours. Being on extra duty didn’t make someone a bad person, you’ve been on it several times.

  Fort Hood: A big cavalry base in Texas, near Austin. Home of First Cavalry Division AKA Worst Cav, the guys who killed 83 of 2/19th SWG’s soldiers in Vietnam from their helicopters one day because they are so stupid they can’t tell the difference between VC and US Army soldiers. Fuck those guys.

  FSTS: Short for Forward Storage and Transportation Site. A large military site designed to provide combat units with ammunition. FSTS sites consisted of at least multiple hardened bunkers covered with meters of dirt. Many possessed helipads and fuel stocks, as well as war stocks, to enable the US Army and NATO forces to fight against the Soviet Union in case of invasion. Usually considered “home” by those assigned to them. Usually considered ready to explode into a Lord of the Flies situation by command.

  Fulda Gap: A strategic valley in the German Alps that provided easy access to Western Germany from Eastern Germany and vice-versa. Considered one of the linchpins of both the Warsaw Pact and NATO. Nobody liked it there, not even the Germans. But nobody could escape. Not even the Germans.