The Whispers

by Perks, Heidi

  It was funny how those words always induced such bitter anger in Grace that her friend wasn’t where she should be. She had been asked the same question every night for the last two weeks, as if her mother had the right to be gutted that Anna wasn’t there.

  Grace had told her last week that Anna was a bitch, but her mum hadn’t wanted to believe her. Yet that was exactly how Anna was acting. Sometimes Grace considered telling her mum about Heather, the girl who had arrived at school with her too-short skirts and penned drawings on her arms that she pretended were tattoos like she was really cool, when actually she just looked totally stupid. Surely if she did, her mum would have something to say about Anna, but then, she wondered, what if her mum talked to her father about it, and they decided Anna was now a bad influence on her? What if, when all this had passed and Anna and Grace were best friends again, Anna was no longer welcome in their house and on their holidays?

  She wouldn’t risk it. Her mum wasn’t the kind of mum to give the advice she would want to hear anyway. Grace wanted someone to tell her how to get Heather Kerr out of the picture, and how to make sure Anna would never even consider not being her best friend again. Not deny Anna was doing anything malicious on purpose, but when she finally realised Anna was being a bitch, to coo over Grace like she was five years old again and tell her she just needed to move on and would easily find another best friend.

  And so she didn’t say anything, and eventually her mum stopped asking what was wrong and stopped commenting that there was ‘no Anna again tonight’ when it was perfectly obvious there wasn’t.

  In fact, two weeks later, by which time Anna had succumbed to having tea at their house on two occasions, Grace and her mother hadn’t talked about anything more serious than the weather and local gossip.

  Grace was spending the night at Anna’s for the first time in months. Her mum had raised her eyebrows when Grace asked if she could go, a smile creeping on to her lips. Her pleasure sickened Grace. It made her feel pitied and pathetic, but she chose to ignore it as she folded her pyjamas into her rucksack and packed a washbag and book.

  She wasn’t entirely sure how pleased Anna was about her staying the night when Grace had more or less invited herself. ‘I know you’ve had Heather to stay,’ Grace had said to her the day before. ‘But you haven’t invited me for as long as I can remember.’

  Anna had turned away, fiddling with the clasp on her bag that had always been a nightmare to close. Grace took it out of her hands and forced the catch together before handing it back to her.

  ‘Have you any idea how it makes me feel?’ she went on. ‘When you’ve been to mine so much and you never invite me in return? All the things I’ve ever done for you, Anna.’

  ‘Okay,’ her best friend had relented. ‘Come tomorrow.’

  She had got what she wanted but it didn’t make her feel good. How could anyone feel good when they were clawing on to the threads of a fraying friendship that had bound them together for the last nine years? She had no doubt that if she were a boyfriend she would be dumped by now.

  Grace had one more thing to do. The next morning she waited for Heather Kerr to roll in late for school as she always did. As soon as she was near, Grace strolled out on to the path in front of her. ‘I know you think you’re all that, Heather,’ she said. ‘But I also know there’s one thing you’ll never do that the boys are planning for tomorrow night.’

  Heather laughed. ‘Right. What’s that, then?’

  ‘I’ve heard them say they’re going to the cliffs after dark.’

  ‘Oh, wow.’ She widened her eyes theatrically. ‘Sounds terrifying.’

  ‘There’s police tape all around the dangerous part where the man fell off the cliff last week and they’re going to climb over it.’

  Heather laughed again, but this time it was more of an intrigued chuckle.

  Grace leaned in and added, ‘They say the tape is so close to the edge that when you’re on the other side of it at night you can’t even see where you’re stepping. Sometimes you don’t even know when you’re on the edge until your foot slips off it.’

  ‘You think that would bother me?’ she said.

  I can tell it would, Grace thought.

  By 3:15 the whispers that Anna was back had spread across the playground like wildfire. Most of the parents who were already huddled in the playground knew she had come home this morning, safe and unharmed. By all accounts she had left of her own accord, and not gone to another man’s house like some of them had suspected.

  ‘An emergency came up,’ Nancy told them. She was impatiently craning to see through the classroom window, waving at the teacher. Can I get the children? she was mouthing and pointing. Ethan too?

  The mums raised their eyebrows. It was still three minutes before the children were officially let out of school and yet there was Miss Williams ushering Elodie and Ethan out of the chairs.

  ‘What kind of emergency?’ someone asked.

  Nancy turned. ‘I think that’s Anna’s business right now,’ she said. ‘I’m sure she will tell everyone when she is ready.’

  ‘Maybe.’ The woman screwed up her eyes. ‘But she left everyone worrying she was missing. So what I mean is that it was odd for her to disappear like that in the middle of the night and not tell anyone where she was going.’

  Nancy gave her a long look before turning back to the classroom door, which was now opening. ‘Hey, kids,’ she said to Elodie and Ethan. ‘Come on, then, let’s get you home.’

  ‘Is Mummy going to be there?’ they heard Ethan ask as Nancy strode off across the playground, her hand pushing into Elodie’s back to shimmy her along.

  ‘Yes,’ Nancy told him. ‘Mummy’s waiting for you.’

  ‘Really?’ They saw the little boy’s glee as he bounced in the air and raced ahead of Nancy, turning to face her. ‘She’s going to be there?’

  The parents all looked at each other silently. ‘That sounds bloody weird,’ one said.

  ‘I bet Nancy knows exactly what’s happened. There’s no sign of Grace, is there?’ she added. ‘I’m still keen to know why she was shouting through Anna’s letterbox earlier.’

  They glanced around the playground, in the hope of seeing the woman, but they couldn’t find her.

  Now Miss Williams was back at the door, as the children lined up behind her. One by one she called out for their waiting parents. Only a few were left as the other mums began sauntering back towards the path in a large bubble and their children ran in crazy circles around them.

  There was no sign of Caitlyn yet, or Rachel – though that wasn’t unusual if she was working – but as they approached the path leading out of the playground they suddenly clocked Grace storming up it, heading towards them.

  Grace looked straight through them as she ploughed ahead. If they didn’t get out of her way she would barrel on through, so they stepped to one side, making a pathway for her. She didn’t acknowledge any of them. It was as if she hadn’t recognised or even noticed who they were as she channelled through and turned right, out of sight towards the classroom.

  For a moment they all stopped where they were and glanced behind them.

  ‘Wow. Someone’s not happy,’ one of them piped up.

  At the end of the path they lingered in a cluster for a while, talking about Anna. All of them were feeling a little peeved by the end result of the drama, but really none of them wanted to go just yet before they’d had a chance to see Grace again.

  Eventually Grace reappeared with Matilda in tow, looking set to ignore them again, until one of them stopped her and said, ‘Hey, Grace, I hear Anna is home.’

  Grace paused as Matilda danced at her feet, tugging on her arm, telling her mother she was hungry. Grace ignored her daughter as her face fell into a smile. ‘Yes. Isn’t it great? We’re all so pleased she’s safe.’

  They shuffled awkwardly. It wasn’t quite the reaction they had expected. ‘Do you know where she’s been, Grace?’ the same mum asked.

 
She didn’t respond for a moment as she seemed to contemplate what to say. Then eventually she replied, ‘Anna needed to get away for a while. But don’t worry,’ she went on, ‘I’m going to be there for her.

  And as they watched her march out of the playground and through the school gates, all of them were momentarily at a loss for words. A fake smile and those odd words had been a chilling response, and it didn’t feel like Grace was the person who Anna would actually want around.

  They wondered if they’d just seen, for the first time, a different side to Grace Goodwin. One that they didn’t particularly like.

  June 1997

  During the evening of the sleepover Anna couldn’t sit still. Even through the movie she was up, down, pausing it so she could chatter excitedly. Grace watched her with interest. She wasn’t talking about anything specific; in fact, her conversation flipped from one topic to another, and half the time Grace had no idea what she was going on about. She was bubbling with nervous excitement but still hadn’t said any more about Heather and her dare since mentioning it at school.

  It wasn’t until they were lying on their beds at 10 p.m. that Grace brought it up. ‘We can’t go; you know that, don’t you?’

  Grace needed to tread a thin line between acknowledging it wasn’t a good idea and actually putting Anna off. Because Heather dragging Anna on to the cliffs in the middle of the night was perfect. All it needed was for something to go wrong – like Anna’s dad to wake up and realise she wasn’t there, for example – and that would be the end of Heather.

  Anna sat bolt upright in her bed and leaned over the side of it. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘I don’t want you going, Anna, it’s dangerous.’ She knew this would get Anna’s back up, and sure enough her friend looked like she was about to yell at her.

  Instead Anna whispered. ‘You are not my mum, Grace.’

  Grace drew back with narrowed eyes. She could see where the argument was heading but she had to stay firm.

  ‘Fine. You can stay here then,’ Anna told her. ‘Heather says that—’

  It was another punch but Grace cut out the rest of her words. She’d do a U-turn and pretend that she wanted to go, because she wanted to ensure that Heather showed up, but she also wished Anna would stop parroting Heather in this way.

  But then Grace had already concluded that Anna needed people to tell her what to do because she lacked direction at home. Anna was always asking Grace’s mum about periods and boyfriends and how much it hurt when she got her ears pierced. Sometimes Grace thought that Anna was desperate for anyone to be a mother figure in her life.

  Grace had taken on that role herself for the past nine years, but now Anna was rebelling and withdrawing, and Grace could not bear the gaping hole it left, as her friend pulled away from her when she knew she didn’t deserve it. Who was Anna to de-friend her? Each time she asked herself this question the more it twisted her and wound her up, and now she wanted to show Anna she was wrong.

  ‘I’ll come,’ Grace told her. ‘I don’t want you going on your own.’

  Anna smiled at her, but she couldn’t tell if her friend was truly happy that she would be dragging along too. It certainly didn’t feel like it.

  She watched Anna climb out of bed and pull on jogging trousers and a purple hoodie. An hour earlier, her dad had closed the door to the living room downstairs. Here he would have watched mindless television with a beer resting on his stomach until he fell asleep in his armchair.

  Grace followed Anna’s lead and they crept down the stairs, peeking in on Anna’s sleeping father before slipping on their trainers and going out the front door.

  Anna quickened her step when she saw Heather waiting at the end of the road. Grace followed reluctantly, but this was as far as she was going. She grabbed hold of Anna’s arm and pulled her back. ‘We can’t do this. It’s stupid. What would your dad say if he caught you?’ This, of course, she hoped they would find out later.

  Whatever was going through Anna’s mind, Grace thought her friend looked petrified, and she doubted for a moment that it would actually take much to persuade Anna to go home. But for her plan to work she needed Anna to choose to go with Heather, however hard it was to let her go.

  Anna looked at her coldly and thankfully said, ‘Go home then. I’ll see you later.’

  Heather was calling Anna, and eventually her friend turned her back and walked away, and it was all Grace could do to stop herself from running after them and punching Heather smack in the face. Instead she used her anger to drive her on, walking back into Anna’s house, creeping upstairs to Anna’s room, where she lay on the mattress, staring at the ceiling with its faded and peeled splotches where once neon stars had been stuck when they were kids.

  It was barely ten minutes later that Grace flung herself up again and grabbed her sweater from the back of a chair and crept downstairs once more.

  She couldn’t lie there for hours, imagining what was going on without her. She needed to see for herself. She had to quicken her steps on the pavements, racing as fast as she could until she saw Anna and Heather in the distance. And then she held back as she followed them to the edge of Crayne’s Cliff and the point where the light felt like it had been sucked out of the night.

  Grace hadn’t brought a torch but both girls were in her sights, and she kept close enough that she could see exactly what they were up to without either of them ever knowing she was watching.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Anna

  Ben pushes his chair away from the table and takes the mugs to the sink. He splays his hands on either side of it and bows his head, pushing back as he rolls his shoulders. ‘Go on,’ he says to me. ‘Tell me what happened when you got to Catherine’s on Thursday.’

  I recall the way I’d stood outside Catherine’s bungalow. I’d been there only once before, three weeks after Grace’s dad, Henry, died, when I’d got back from holiday. I’d always regretted not being able to go to the funeral – I had wanted to be there for the woman who had practically brought me up.

  My relationship with Grace’s dad was nothing like the one I’d had with Catherine. He’d always been pleasant enough, though very formally so, but had never shown much interest in me. When we were younger I spent most of the time with Grace and Catherine. In later years Henry would take himself off to another room and Catherine would eventually follow him. Even on holidays he rarely looked up from a newspaper or a glass of Scotch. I was mostly happier when he wasn’t around because he always managed to make me feel on edge, like I had to be on my best behaviour.

  I’d been nervous visiting Catherine after his death because I was clumsy with other people’s grief and never knew what to say, but five days ago I felt even more nervous as I waited for Catherine to answer the door, hoping she was in.

  ‘Oh my love,’ she said when she finally opened it. ‘I was upstairs, I only just heard the door. Come in, my dear, you look freezing standing out there in what you’re wearing.’ My red-felt coat was belted around my waist, but it did little to hold off the biting wind. ‘What’s happened?’ she said, ushering me indoors. She held out her hands for my coat but I shook my head. The bungalow was blasting heat out of its radiators but I was tired and shivering, and didn’t want to reveal the sheer black top I had on underneath.

  ‘Nothing’s happened,’ I said, leaning forward and kissing Catherine on the cheek. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. ‘It’s so good to see you,’ I went on. ‘You don’t age.’

  ‘You’re too kind,’ Catherine said, eventually pulling back. ‘But I know you’re lying.’ She smiled. ‘I see myself in the mirror every morning and my mother is looking back at me.’

  I smiled back sadly. I would never know what I might look like thirty years from now.

  ‘Let me get you a tea and I’ll put the fire on in the front room; you can sit by that and warm yourself up.’ Catherine beckoned me to follow her and pressed the clunky button that eventually sent the fake coals burst
ing into flames. When she stood up she lingered by the fire for a moment. ‘I know you say nothing has happened but you wouldn’t be here for no good reason.’

  I looked up at her as the heat from the fire began creeping towards me and warming my hands.

  ‘But I’ll get you that tea first,’ she said, before pulling away and leaving the room.

  I was already feeling warmer by the time she returned, and had unbuttoned my coat, leaving myself exposed in the top that was much less suited to daywear in the middle of winter than for a night out. Catherine’s eyes were on me as she placed the mug of tea on the side table next to me, but she said nothing.

  ‘How are you doing here, Catherine? Are you happy?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, I am,’ she said with a smile. ‘I have everything I need around me. I come and go as I please,’ she added, raising her eyebrows slightly as if this were much of the attraction. That she was finally able to do what she wanted, though it had never seemed to bother her the way Henry took charge. ‘You look like you haven’t slept all night,’ she added.

  ‘I haven’t had much, only a bit on the train.’

  Catherine nodded. She took a deep breath as she said, ‘Maybe you should just tell me what’s brought you here, love. It’s not doing me much good wondering.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I know I should have called you first.’ Turning up out of the blue seemed ridiculous now.

  ‘I think you must have had good reason,’ Catherine said.

  I gave a partial nod.

  ‘And I’m certain it is to do with Grace.’

  ‘She’s not ill or anything,’ I said quickly.

  ‘No.’ Catherine shook her head. ‘I wasn’t thinking that. Tell me what’s happened, Anna.’

  ‘That’s just it. There’s nothing I can tell you specifically. I’m just … I’m—’ I broke off.

  During the train journey to Leicester I’d gone over and over in my head what I wanted to say, but now that I was here none of it felt sufficient. I’m here because your daughter won’t leave me alone. Because she doesn’t want me having any friends.