Don’t Trust Me

by Joss Stirling

  ‘Jess, I know you think you know her because you’re reading her diary, but people just don’t do that kind of thing. It’s illegal.’

  ‘No, look, I’m not bullshitting you. I already knew that she was a police officer – that’s how she met Michael – at one of his Hendon gigs.’

  ‘She was in the police? I didn’t know that.’

  Things are falling into place in my head, like I’ve just fed in the right ten pence to start the coin waterfall tumbling into the slot. Jackpot. ‘That’s the answer! It’s been staring me in the face all the time. The photo in the frame that Jacob took – that was Emma at her graduation, or passing-out parade, or whatever they call it when they qualify for the Metropolitan Police. She’s in uniform.’

  ‘Jessica, no one would sanction an undercover policewoman having a child with a target.’

  ‘I’m not saying anyone did. There’ve been cases when officers go against the regulations, dating people to get under the surface of an organisation. If it’s a woman doing the romancing, well, stuff happens – you get knocked up because you have food poisoning, not because you do it deliberately.’

  ‘Why go through with it?’

  ‘Because she was Catholic – she was in a moral fix but thought it better to go through with the pregnancy.’ I take a breath, reviewing what I think I’ve discovered. ‘It’s all so bizarre, isn’t it – the lengths the undercover police went to then? Do you remember how, back in the Noughties, they were in a panic about animal extremists and sent people in to monitor groups?’

  Drew nods. ‘Yes, I remember. It’s all a bit close to home. I went on some marches myself but steered clear of the loony brigade.’

  ‘Of course you did, you guerrilla gardener, you.’ I pat his cheek. ‘They seem oddly innocent, compared to today’s terrorists.’

  ‘Not if you were a scientist and had a bomb sent to you through the post.’

  ‘True. So, back to my boss. What if Jacob hadn’t suspected Emma was the Fuzz and the first time he realises it is when he sees that photo? Just imagine: it would be like everything he thought about her – their relationship, the child – was all make-believe. What would he want to do then? He’s going to be so angry. She’s left him off the birth certificate so he’d find it next to impossible to trace Kaitlin – Michael would prefer to punch him than tell him anything – and maybe it was always Emma that Jacob wanted rather than the kid? But the real bummer is that he can’t hurt Emma because she’s dead, so he kills himself as a kind of desperate revenge, hoping to take Michael down with him if he can stage it right.’

  ‘I don’t know, Jessica, it all sounds… way out there.’

  ‘Read the diary. You’ll see what I mean. Michael needs to tell the police who Emma really was. It’ll go a long way to clearing him. And, he’s got to come clean as to what happened to Kaitlin. Where the heck is she, by the way? God, poor Jacob.’

  Drew pulls me back to rest beside him before I shoot off across the room like a ball in a pinball machine. ‘But the detectives have the diary, you said. They’re not going to be so slow at reading it. Maybe they already know?’

  I’m pretty buzzed by my new theory. It explains so much about the odd dynamic between Jacob and Emma. But how can I confirm it? I suppose I can ask Michael right out but he’s always been very secretive about his wife and I’m guessing that won’t go well. What I really want to do is get hold of the diary and read it right from the beginning, not try to squint my way through the poor photos I took.

  ‘Jessica, your pulse is a little elevated,’ says Charles as he takes a set of morning vitals. ‘I suggest you stay on bedrest for twenty-four hours and we’ll reassess tomorrow.’

  ‘I’ll make sure she rests at home.’ Drew has stood his ground and refused Charles’ polite attempts to have him evicted from the room.

  ‘Mr Payne, I don’t think you understand how serious Jessica’s condition was last night.’

  ‘Don’t tell me what I understand, Doctor.’ Drew is so sexy when he’s stern. I’ve not seen him like this before. ‘Is there anything you are going to do for her that I can’t?’

  ‘Care for a patient like Jessica,’ says Charles pompously, ‘takes more than a single person. Her body has become used to the tablets. Coming off them, she’ll have mood swings, restlessness, cravings, she might even try to find a new source for her tablets.’

  ‘She is actually right here,’ I mutter.

  ‘My parents are willing to help,’ counters Drew. ‘I live over the family workplace so they are on hand all day.’

  ‘I suppose you mean your firm of funeral directors?’ Charles looks amused.

  ‘What’s so funny about that?’

  ‘Nothing funny at all. It’s just that someone… it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘He and Michael don’t get along,’ I slip in, understanding where Charles is coming from on this. ‘He’s got some funny ideas about Drew.’

  Charles continues to address Drew. He would be much less of an old fart if he actually joined the twenty-first-century gender-equality movement. ‘I’ll need to see Jessica to continue her cognitive behavioural therapy.’

  ‘Not at the weekend though,’ points out Drew.

  ‘True.’ Charles walks to the window. He shoves a hand through his hair, an artfully swept-back pepper-and-salt cut to make him look as much like George Clooney as he can. Dream on, Charles. ‘Michael won’t be happy when he was all ready to get out the cheque book for her, but I think Jessica might actually do better with you. I noticed she doesn’t sleep well here.’ So my bath nest has not gone unremarked by the staff. ‘OK, Jessica, if you’re happy with that, I’m content for you to go home with Mr Payne here. But you have to keep off the tablets – no sneaking them behind his back to give yourself a little lift. Like with an alcohol addiction, you have to stop completely. No falling off the wagon.’

  ‘Are you saying I’m addicted to the amphetamines, Charles?’

  ‘Of course. Didn’t you realise?’

  ‘But you gave them to me.’

  ‘And you took them as instructed?’

  Got me there. ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘And you wouldn’t be the first to abuse prescription medication. Try life without them for a while, Jessica. Let’s see who you can become with non-medical interventions.’

  On the moped heading back to London, Drew calls back to me, ‘You know, Charles doesn’t suck as much as I expected.’

  ‘Why? Did you think he was plotting my downfall with Michael?’

  He shrugs. ‘He might’ve been.’

  ‘I never thought he was out to get me, just that he didn’t listen to me.’

  ‘He seemed very reasonable today. He listened to me.’

  ‘Yeah, but you have something that I don’t have.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘A Y-chromosome.’

  Chapter 40

  Michael

  I’m not sure how to broach the subject with Lizzy. I think I know what she did but why on earth would she? She’s always been a model of kindness. I’ve known her for years and never seen any hint of cruelty in her. She helped me nurse Emma, looked after Kaitlin when Emma couldn’t, showed real gentleness towards Jessica when she went through her breakdown. I had her tagged as one of life’s carers. Did Lizzy fear I was going to invite Jessica back to live with me? Is she trying to keep the field clear for herself? Does she love me so much that she briefly lost a grip on her reason?

  Still wondering if I’m going to say anything, I go back into the kitchen. Letting sleeping dogs lie has some wisdom. I’m sure I’d get a better handle on it all if I just could get some distance from the house.

  ‘I think I’ll go out for a while today,’ I begin.

  ‘Is that wise?’ she asks, putting a plate of scrambled egg and bacon in front of me and a large mug of coffee.

  My stomach is churning but I can manage the drink. ‘It has to be. I can’t leave clearing my name all up to Jessica, not now she’s had a relapse
. I’ve got to make some effort myself.’ I take a gulp and wince – it’s searingly hot.

  Lizzy gives me a saccharine smile. Yes, she is definitely pissed off with me. ‘Taking your cues from Jessica now?’

  ‘She’s got the right idea and is making headway with these girls, so yes.’

  ‘And what are you going to do about it?’

  Something in her tone puts my back up. As Charles always says about women: give an inch and they’ll take a mile. ‘Sorry, but since when have I had to report my every move to you, Lizzy?’

  She butters her toast as if it has personally offended her. ‘I think that you are about to make a big mistake, stirring all of that up again.’

  ‘I don’t think I’m the one making the mistakes.’ OK, so we aren’t going to avoid the subject after all. ‘You climbed into the garden last night and deliberately scared Jessica, didn’t you? She wasn’t hallucinating.’

  Lizzy ignores me, pretending to take her time choosing between marmalade and honey.

  ‘You knew about her nightmares – I’d told you myself – and you exploited that confidence. Why? Why would you do that? I’m hardly going to like you more for using such cruel tactics on a rival.’

  She gives a scornful laugh, her facial expression becoming quite ugly. ‘You think this is about you? Can you be any more self-centred, Michael?’

  ‘So if it’s not about me, what is it about?’

  ‘Emma, of course! I can’t believe how stupid you’ve been recently – you actively encouraged Jessica to go on digging into Jacob and his fixation on you. How long will it be before she starts to circle near the truth?’

  ‘She has no idea about Emma’s job.’

  ‘She knows Emma was in the police. She knows Emma lived with an eco-terrorist under a different name and had a child. Jessica, despite everything you like to pretend, is no fool. She’ll put it together.’

  ‘And maybe it’s time. Maybe I should just explain…’

  ‘You can’t do that. You promised Emma.’

  ‘But Emma had no idea where that would lead.’

  ‘I disagree. She asked you to promise because she knew there may come a day when it would cost you to keep silent. She cared what happened even after she was gone. That’s why it was pretty much her last request. We’ve got to keep Jessica away from it all – for Emma’s sake, for Jessica’s own sake.’

  ‘I can’t believe this. I wanted you to say that I was wrong but I’m not, am I? You, a grown woman, climbed over the fence in a Munch’s scream mask and scared the bejeezus out of her on purpose like… like some teenager in a cruel prank at Halloween.’ My throat goes dry just at the thought of it, how terrified Jessica must have been. I swallow some more coffee. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but then everything does at the moment.

  ‘It’s better that Jessica spends a few days on bedrest than gets caught up in things that should stay in the past.’ Lizzy sounds so reasonable. It’s hard to remember what we’re actually talking about.

  ‘But don’t you see how crazy, not to say mean, it is to scare a woman, and one who considers you a friend? Are you hoping to precipitate a breakdown, just to protect a stupid secret? Because if that’s your goal, then you are going the right way about it. Jessica left here in pieces!’

  ‘It’s not stupid, Michael.’

  ‘No, I suppose it isn’t, not to you.’ I push the plate away. ‘Oh, I get it now. It’s not Emma you’re protecting but yourself. You’re scared I’ll ask Jessica back.’

  ‘Rubbish. I’m defending Emma’s memory – I loved her, I sometimes think I loved her more than you.’

  ‘Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare!’

  ‘I knew her long before you even met her. We were like sisters. What were you but a final fling?’

  ‘I was her husband, for God’s sake!’

  ‘I bet you’d have been divorced by now if she had lived. She would’ve seen through you, your selfishness. We swore to stand by each other, through thick and thin, and I stick to my promises.’

  ‘This has gone far enough!’

  ‘I’m doing it for her.’

  ‘You’re doing it for yourself.’

  ‘If you really loved her – selflessly, properly – you’d understand. She made mistakes, yes, but we all do. I forgave her when she went and had that baby on the job with that dangerous fool, Jacob. I helped her. As her husband, you should be standing right by me, defending her too, not sending someone to dig up the dirt to save your own skin.’

  ‘Hang on, are you saying… you’re saying… Look, I knew that Kaitlin was conceived while she was undercover, but Emma swore—’

  ‘Emma said what she had to. What we agreed. She only wanted what was best for Kaitlin.’

  There’s a hole in my chest – a sinkhole into which my belief in Emma has just driven. I think I suspected it was there, saw the cracks developing in the tarmac, but I drove in anyway and I’m at the bottom, wheels spinning. Frankly, I’ve been a willing dupe and I don’t love Emma any the less for it. But because I loved her, I had rationalised that Emma had had another ‘real world’ relationship parallel to the one with her target because she had sworn to me that Jacob wasn’t the father. I knew it was a lie, didn’t I, even as she looked straight at me and promised? I went along because I tacitly agreed with her that Jacob was a danger to a child and the truth was inconvenient.

  ‘I’m tired of all this.’ I rest my head on my hands. Before Emma died, she asked me to destroy her diaries without reading them, probably so I wouldn’t be faced with incontrovertible proof, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I boxed them up with her other things. I meant to destroy them; I even brought one up to the bedroom to see if I could bring myself to tear it up. I couldn’t. That was in part why I was so furious when I thought Jessica had taken the one from the bedside. I hadn’t done what Emma asked, and now my weakness meant they were out there for others to read and judge her. ‘You’re wasting your time, Lizzy. It’s too late now for your falsehoods. The police have one of the diaries – the key one.’

  ‘That won’t matter. I doubt they’ll bother to read a diary that ends five years back – not when they’re investigating an incident that happened just a few weeks ago. Anyway, if they do, we can tell them they were a story she was writing – a case study for her training course with new recruits. There’s no proof. No Jacob to make a fuss.’

  She’s reaching. I can’t believe they’d spend even a second on those tissue-thin excuses. ‘The police won’t believe me if I say they were a story and it would be a stupid lie. We’ve tied ourselves in knots for Emma and look how that turned out? Jesus Christ, Lizzy, I’ve defended her memory for five years. I’ve lived with her loss, grieved for her, suffered all during that time, but we’ve come to the end of that road. I’m not getting involved in this insane cover-up. Both of you shafted West, didn’t you? Took his child from him?’

  ‘He was a terrible father.’

  ‘That wasn’t for you to judge. Who did you think you were? He had rights but you rode roughshod over them. I’m going to have to tell the police.’

  ‘You can’t—’

  ‘I bloody well can – and at the very least I’ve got to tell Jessica about the mask so she knows she’s not going mad. We’ve already lost Kaitlin. We can’t make Jessica into yet more collateral damage in this ridiculous attempt to sweep lies under the carpet. She deserves better from both of us.’

  Lizzy slams down her mug. ‘Damage? If Jessica’s damaged that’s on you. You should never have encouraged her to clear your name. When she suggested it, you should’ve firmly told her to keep out of your business.’

  ‘Oh, so it’s my fault, is it?’ My head is swimming. This woman gives me a headache – this whole situation makes me sick.

  ‘Yes. And Jacob went way too far bringing her into his investigation – I would’ve stopped that if I could.’

  ‘And the memory of a dead woman means more than my career and Jessica’s sanity?’ I a
m desperate just to be alone but I can’t be until I can force her to leave my house and shoot the bolts. I’ve got to get her out.

  ‘Neither would be at risk if you’d just do as I tell you. Consider this a final warning. If you go to the police with any of this, or speak to Jessica, then I’ll do my own tale-telling.’

  ‘And what have you possibly got to say? You’re up to your eyeballs in this shit.’ I get up and go to the sink to get some water. God, I feel so woozy.

  ‘That I know you went from my house to Jacob’s that Monday. That you told me you were going to silence him. That you were going to set it up to look like suicide.’

  ‘But that’s not true!’

  ‘Who are the police going to believe, the nice schoolteacher who lives next door, or the prime suspect whose fingerprints were found on the scene?’

  ‘You’re mad.’

  ‘No, just loyal. You’re the crazy one if you think you can get away with betraying Emma.’

  ‘Get out of my house.’ I feel as though I’ve never seen her properly before. It’s like a stranger has taken over her body and is mouthing these terrible lies.

  She comes towards me with the coffee pot. ‘It’s too late, Michael. You’re not getting rid of me now.’

  Chapter 41

  Jessica, 30th August

  Drew and I have been tiptoeing around each other since we returned from the clinic. He has done everything to provide a safe place for me to recover and I’m beginning to remember what normal felt like. Charles was right: the continual head-rush given by the pills had been playing silly buggers with my perception. Though I itch for a dose, so far I’ve managed to keep the lid on the bottle. I’ve been rewarded by not seeing the ghost again or feeling the slightest bit spooked even when alone in bed. All I need to do now is sort out the rest of the crap that’s getting in my way.

  When I get up, I am pleasantly surprised to see Drew waiting to share breakfast with me. I wish I had remembered to put on something more attractive than the shapeless T-shirt advertising a language school – my only relic from an abortive attempt to learn Chinese – and baggy grey pyjama trousers.