200 Letters

by Amy Watkins

  It only took a minute, but by the time I returned a meter maid was already writing me a ticket.

  “Wait!” I implored, “I have my change right here. I just ran in to break a twenty.”

  “Sorry, I already wrote it up.” She nonchalantly stuck the thirty-dollar ticket under my windshield wiper and walked away.

  I just shook my head and wryly told Angela, “Most expensive first date, ever.” When she laughed, I knew we would have fun together in the future. Then she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. They were so soft and sweet. I grabbed around her waist and kissed her back. Butterflies fluttered in my heart. I felt like my soul was melting in her arms. Our first kiss.

  “Damn, if that’s what I get for a thirty-dollar ticket, it’s worth every penny,” I said when we broke from the embrace.

  Angela giggled.

  The next weekend, Angela decided she wanted to have a barbecue. She said she liked entertaining and that she hadn’t in a while, so it was time. She invited her best friends, Ronda and Erica, over as well as all their kids and extended family members. The best I could tell, Ronda was her best friend and they had known each other since elementary school. And even though Erica was Terrell’s baby mama, she and Angela had grown close over the years. Angela tried to warn me that her friends were protective of her and would absolutely interrogate me. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for all that, but I understood. Angela had been through a lot in the past and her friends cared. They wanted to see what type of vibes I gave off.

  “What are your plans with my girl?” Ronda got right to the point.

  “I plan on getting to know her more and I want her to know me, too. I think she is a beautiful person, inside and out.” I replied nervously. “I understand she experienced some terrible things and I want to bring her peace and happiness. I know what it is like to be in a horrible relationship like the one she was in. I wouldn’t want her to have to go through any more pain.”

  “Just so you understand; we, her friends and family, will not let anything happen to her. We grew up together and are like sisters. Her people are my people and we run deep,” she said.

  Erica had Ronda’s back. Her arms were folded and she stood just behind Ronda nodding her head in agreement. “Just letting you know, you hurt her and I’ll kill you and make it look like you died from natural causes. I’m a nurse. I know how to do that,” Erica winked and nodded with a big smile on her face, like she meant it and was crazy enough to do it.

  I may not be the brightest guy but I knew she was warning me not to mess with Angela if my intentions weren’t good. I knew these girls loved Angela and they would fight for her. They hurt if she hurt.

  The interrogation went on for about a half hour. It was intense but I answered honestly. I wasn’t trying to impress them by saying what they wanted to hear, I tried to speak from the heart. I truthfully had no intentions of hurting Angela. I knew how special she was and wanted our relationship to blossom and grow.

  “I understand how you feel when it comes to Angela. If we become serious, I will protect her the best I can,” I assured them. “But I do have a few questions for you. Has she healed from all that she has been through or is she on the rebound? Is Terrell going to be an issue as our relationship grows? What are your expectations from me?”

  Ronda and Erica seemed puzzled for a few seconds. Ronda was the first to speak. “Out of all the interrogations I have done, no one ever asked me a question.” They looked at each other and laughed for about a second then simultaneously put their game faces back on.

  Erica answered, “To tell you the truth, no one was ready for what happened with Terrell. I’m his baby mama, and even I didn’t realize all that was going on with them. Terrell and I weren’t in a relationship when I got pregnant with Jordan and Jasmine, we were just fucking around and oops, twins. Ya’ know? So, I had no idea what a monster he was. I mean, I knew he was an asshole, but not like that. Angela has a good heart. She has so much love for my twins and for me. Her heart is big and open, but it’s been wounded. I’m not sure if it is healed or not.”

  Ronda chimed in, “I’ve known Angela since the first grade. Her father hurt her by not being there. Her stepfather hurt her ’cause he was just a jerk. And she has had a handful of serious boyfriends who used and abused her, neglected her, and cheated on her. Then she got with Terrell. He was the worst. Nevertheless, Angela tends to bounce back. Yes, she has a big open heart and that puts her at risk for getting hurt, but she bounces back; and she does it quickly. However, I’m not sure how much more heartache she can take before she becomes cold and bitter, like most of us already are. So, don’t hurt her.”

  A few days later, Angela and I were having one of our intimate late-night talks when the topic came up. “Who was the last person you slept with?”

  I lied. “I haven’t slept with anyone since Tracy,” I was embarrassed about sleeping with Caroline because my ego was bruised from Tracy’s infidelity. My gut warned me not to lie. Nothing was going on between Caroline and me, so I should have openly told Angela the whole thing—what happened and why—but I was afraid of her response.

  “I never cheated on Tracy. When I’m with someone, I with them. I’ve had my fair share of casual sex, but both parties knew it wasn’t going anywhere,” I added, trying to be more honest without being specific. I really had never cheated on Tracy, not while we were married. It wasn’t until after I found out she was cheating and we separated that I slept with Caroline. I told myself it really didn’t matter so it was okay, but even I didn’t believe me. So, I turned the question around. “What about you?”

  “I only messed around once since Terrell. A guy named Jonathan. He was someone I dated back in college but we recently reconnected. He came over a few weeks before I started talking to you. We messed around. I know I shouldn’t have done it and we didn’t go all the way,” she explained.

  “What do you mean by that?” I asked. I wanted to know Angela and Jonathan’s history. I wanted to know if he was still a threat. When she mentioned his name, she had a gleam in her eye like he was her lost love. Like there were still feelings there. Like maybe all her doors weren’t closed, either.

  She shrugged. “You know. Messed around, like kissing and stuff.” Then she told me about how they had been an awesome couple in college but broke up over some dumb shit, but they had periodically seen each other over the years and stayed in touch.

  “You sure you are done with him or are you guys talking about getting back together? Anything like that?” I asked nervously. I consciously stopped my knee from bouncing. I didn’t want Angela to see how anxious I was.

  “No,” she smiled with that same disconcerting gleam in her eyes, “He’s married and they are happy. I wish them all the best. We talked about getting back together back in the day, but I decided not to.”

  Something didn’t seem right with that answer. I mean, if you looked at it from a guy’s point of view, he’s happily married but he’s hitting on Angela. And, he’s been staying in touch with her over the last fifteen years or so since she graduated college. What guy does that if he ain’t tryna be her back up man?

  “How does his wife feel about you and Jonathan talking all them years,” I prodded.

  “Oh, she doesn’t like it. He usually sends me messages under an alias.”

  That seemed even more suspicious to me. If they had a purely innocent relationship, then why was he sneakin’ around on the down low?

  Angela waved away my look of concern. “Don’t worry, that’s all in the past. I haven’t seen Jonathan since before you walked into my office. I haven’t talked to him since then, either. He’s not the one for me. Besides, all I want right now is you.”

  I wanted to dig more. But I didn’t. Guilt from my past sins crept into my mind and stopped me from asking more about him.

  That night, I thought about the promise I made to my mom about not opening any new doors before closing the ones with Tracy and Carol
ine. I understood why my mom wanted me to make that promise. She thought I needed time to heal and get my life together without more distractions. She had my best interests at heart. My thoughts were interrupted by a text message from my mom.

  Naomi: Hey baby, are you okay?

  Me: Speak of the devil, I was just thinking about you.

  Naomi: Baby, I’m worried. I think Tracy hired a private investigator to spy on you. She told us you were at a cookout at Angela’s house. Is that true? She said she has pictures of you two together and she is going to use it in court to show that you were having an affair.

  Me: What?! Well, yes, there was a cookout, but we weren’t together like that. Tracy has been a horrible thorn in my side since the separation. First, she tried to file those false police reports and now she’s hired a private investigator? This is crazy.

  Naomi: You need to keep your distance from Angela. Far as you know, Angela and Tracy could be working together.

  Me: I don’t think so mom. Angela wouldn’t do that.

  Naomi: How do you know? She sneaky. And you said that they knew each other from your old clinic, right?

  Me: Yeah, but Angela is not like that.

  Naomi: How else would Tracy know about this cookout? She either hired a private investigator or she’s working with Angela. Could be both. Either way, keep your distance.

  I really didn’t think Angela was working with Tracy. She seemed too genuine and had no motive to hurt me. But Tracy sending a private investigator? Yeah, I could see that happening. Tracy wanted me to hurt and she wanted as much money as she could get. Trying to prove in court that I was having an affair would almost guarantee her being awarded alimony. But hiring a private investigator was expensive. I wondered if she was using all that child support to hire one. Tracy was taking this divorce thing to a whole other level of crazy. And the worst part was being framed for adultery when I wasn’t even sleeping with Angela. I wanted to, but we were taking things slow and we hadn’t gone there yet.

  Angela was quickly becoming one of my best friends, so I had no problem in confiding with her about Tracy and the private investigator.

  “A private investigator? This girl has gone crazy. How can she prove adultery and we not even sleeping together?” Angela responded.

  “Apparently, she is making it look like adultery by taking pictures of us together. If she gets enough, then it could look like an ongoing affair to a judge.”

  “Mmm hmm. I know ’cause I just went through this with Terrell. You have to have clear and convincing evidence of adultery. Pictures of us at a cookout is not enough. She would have to have either a confession or a video of us having sex. And even if she had a video, we could always say it happened before you guys were married. There would have to be some clear evidence that we had sex while you were married to her. I wouldn’t worry too much about this. Sounds like she is wasting her money.”

  “Well, either way, I don’t want it to even look like it in court. I’m thinking maybe I should go back to Kentucky. Besides, I think I’ve worn out my welcome.”

  “Well, I don’t want you to go. I love having you here and I don’t think you should be so afraid of Tracy that you have to run from state to state putting your life on hold.”

  Angela made sense, but I didn’t want to give Tracy any more ammunition than she already had. I planned to find my own apartment, pronto. That way, nothing would look suspicious.

  “I think I should head back to Kentucky, just to be safe. I’ll leave next weekend. It’s my birthday, so I was planning on going back then, anyway. I haven’t been getting much done up here and I really need to start looking for a new job.”

  Angela nodded her head in understanding.

  “Damn,” I said, “I never thought Tracy would sink so low. In the beginning, she had so much love for me. Now she doesn’t even want me so I’m not sure why she is doing this.”

  “I don’t think Tracy ever loved you. I think she lusted you.”

  “Why you say that?”

  “Love is giving. It is selfless. It’s asking what you can do for this other person. Lust is taking. It is selfish, self-centred, and self-satisfying. It’s wondering what I can take from this person. Sounds like Tracy only did something for you to get something in return. She was only taking. She was only focused on what you could do for her. That’s not love. That’s lust. In 1 Corinthians 13, it says love is patient, kind, faithful, honest, forgiving, and sacrificing. Lust is envious, prideful, abusive, uncaring, and hurtful.”

  “Hmm, I never thought of it like that. But I do think Tracy loved me in the beginning.”

  The look on Angela’s face told me she thought I was wrong. “If you say so. Still sounds like lust to me.”

  A few days later, a detective called and we arranged for me to take the lie detector test the following day. I was so nervous. I was afraid they’d ask me about infidelity and my guilt about sleeping with Caroline would make me fail the whole thing. I confided in Angela.

  “Lie detector tests are inadmissible in court; so even if you fail, they can’t use it,” Angela tried to comfort me.

  “I know, but I’m still nervous. If I fail, they will try to prove to the court that I did these things. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. Dammit, she’s the one who tried to put a hit out on me and then accused me of doing it to her. She cheated on me, so she wants to make me the bad guy. That’s her forte. She does shit to people and then tries to make it seem like the other person is doing it to her. I remember her pulling that crap when we were married. If one of her friends, family, or co-workers did something to her, she’d make sure she got revenge. Now she’s doing it to me.”

  I prayed before I went into the police station. The lady administering the test introduced herself then proceeded to hook me up to wires. I watched as the pin moved up and down. She asked me questions, then made notes. Asked more questions then wrote more notes. She asked me about molesting my son and about trying to kill Tracy and I answered truthfully that I had not done any of those things.

  In the end she smiled and said, “You passed. The lie detector revealed that you answered each question truthfully.”

  The detectives dropped all the charges and sent me on my way.

  Chapter 8 – Angela

  I wanted Ethan to be mine. I wanted him so bad, and I wanted to give him all of me. Our conversations were awesome. It was like we were cut from the same mould. We could talk all day and night without getting bored. We even finished each other’s sentences. Nothing was forced. We were just a perfect fit.

  My career did not intimidate him and my intelligence did not offend him. He embraced my thoughts and opinions. I didn’t have to dumb myself down to boost his ego. I could express myself and drop knowledge about life, love, religion, politics, medicine, and random trivia without repercussion. I had intelligent conversations with him and, instead of pulling away, he came right back with his own insightful thoughts or honest questions. And he never chastised me when I had a blonde moment or two. I felt so comfortable around him. I could be my goofy self, my intelligent self, my beautiful self, my playful self, my vulnerable self, my giving self, my clingy self, my naïve self, and my imperfect self around him. He respected and appreciated all those qualities—he liked me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. I loved that about him and, because of that, I wanted him to be mine. Well, I already felt like he was mine.

  When I divorced Terrell, I planned to lay low and be by myself for a while; but maybe God had other plans for me. We’d only been dating for a few weeks, but it felt like he was “the one”. He was an unexpected bonus and I thanked God that he walked into my office that day.

  I talked to God a lot about Ethan. I prayed for him and his situation. I prayed that my feelings for Ethan be in one accord with God’s will for my life. And when God didn’t change my feelings, I told God, “This is it. Ethan is the one I want to be with.”

  God did answer my prayers, “You sure A
ngela? You sure you want him? Through thick and thin? You know he’s going through a lot. You plan to stick with him through it all? You plan on being with him forever? Forever and ever?”

  “Yes, God. That’s what I want.”

  “Okay,” God said in a way that let me know He knew that my goals would be heavily trialled. I felt God’s smile shining down upon me and that He was stepping back to see how I would handle the obstacles ahead.

  I called Ethan, “Hey, you know I got that new job, right? So, I need to go house shopping in Virginia Beach next week. You know the area. Want to go with?”

  “Umm, maybe. We’ll see. You know that’s my birthday weekend. I don’t know if my family has anything planned.”

  “Yeah, so come up on the fourteenth and go house hunting with me for a couple of days. Then you can leave on the sixteenth and spend your birthday with your family.”

  “Okay, I might just do that.”

  He was playing hard to get, but I already knew he’d come to Virginia Beach with me. I also already knew I was going to sleep with him that weekend. It had been almost six months since I got me some dick and I wanted his. “God, I promise I will stick with this guy.”

  I loved the beach. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Looking at the mighty blue waves, feeling the warm sand between my toes, and the soothing murmur of the waves always reminded me how much God loves us. He made all this for us to enjoy. I decided to book a hotel right on the beach. Erica had the kids that weekend so I was going to make the most of that trip. I arrived first and took some time to sit out on the balcony overlooking the water. The view was beautiful and I enjoyed watching children build sandcastles and dash in and out of the surf. I felt free.

  I decided to get Ethan a birthday gift, so I wandered the boardwalk in search of something special. When I moseyed into one of the stores and saw the perfect gift, a watch with a black face and silver hands. I remembered Ethan mentioning his heartache over losing all his watches during one of Tracy’s tantrums, so I thought he’d really appreciate it.