200 Letters

by Amy Watkins

  “Hello,” I tried to stay calm.

  “Angela, I miss you. I want to come home. Please, I miss the kids. I made a mistake. I messed up, but I know better now. I need you guys in my life and I will be good to you and the kids. Please forgive me.”

  I listened quietly as he begged but felt nothing. I felt no hurt nor empathy.

  “Terrell, I forgive you, but I cannot ever be with you again. I’ve moved on with my life. I am happy now. You’ll only be allowed in my life because of our kids; they need you. Be there for them.”

  “This hurts. Oh God, this hurts. You are hurting me? You broke up our family. That’s not something good Christian women do. You made a vow.”

  “Don’t you put this on me, Terrell. You hurt yourself. You made choices now you get to live with the consequences.”

  “Five years, Angela, five years. That doesn’t mean anything to you? You gonna throw that all away. Don’t you care about me?”

  “Oh, I care about you, but I care about me more. Me, the kids, and our wellbeing are my priority now. Not you. You lost that right. You and me? We’re done but you shouldn’t be done with your children. Why don’t you call them? Why aren’t you ever there for them? You listen to me good—your children need you. I don’t.”

  I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth while he continued to beg and cry. I listened with half an ear until I pulled into a parking spot. Then I interrupted his grovelling, “Sorry, gotta go.”

  “No, Angela, please wait…” but I cut him off.

  “No time, gotta go to work. Bye.” That man was still begging when I ended the call.

  The kids and I never heard from him again.

  Chapter 9 – Ethan

  Caroline was having my baby. She was six months pregnant and I hadn’t told Angela yet. I was falling more and more in love with Angela every day and wanted a relationship built on honesty and integrity, but I was keeping this huge secret.

  I had conversations with God and He spoke loudly to me. “You have to tell her the truth. She deserves to know.”

  “But God, I don’t want to lose her.”

  “That is lust. Do you lust her or do you love her? If you love her you would want what is best for her. If you love her you would tell her the truth.”

  I was scared shitless, but I knew it was something I had to do. I had been praying for God to send me a good woman, and He did, but I could lose her because of my poor choices—I lied to her. It wasn’t fair to her and I knew I had to tell her. I knew God’s will was for me to be honest and true.

  “Angela, honey. Can you come sit down? I need to tell you something…it’s important.”

  “What is it?” She asked, concerned.

  There was no easy or good way to tell her, so I just blurted it out. “When I left Tracy… No, when Tracy left—” I shook my head and continued. “I went back home when we split. I was in a dark place and did something stupid. I slept with Caroline and now she is pregnant with my child.”

  She was speechless. I watched expressions fly across her face. First confusion, then hurt, and finally anger. “Are you serious?” she asked through clenched teeth.

  “Yes.”

  “But…I thought she was just…just like a sister to you. That’s what you told me. So, you lied?”

  “I was in a dark place Angela. I was hurting and I drank way too much. I was drunk, vengeful, and wanted to hurt Tracy like she had hurt me...”

  “Well, whoop-di-doo. Congratulations, asshole.” She shook her head in disbelief. “Yeah, you hurt someone all right, but it wasn’t Tracy. You hurt me.”

  “Angela, It’s not like that...”

  “You know what? I can’t. I can’t! I won’t do this again. I can’t be with you anymore.”

  “Angela, please don’t. I don’t want to lose you. I love you.”

  She started crying and I was lost. I didn’t know what to say or do. I just stood there looking at her, hoping and praying that she would not make me leave. That this would not break us.

  “Why’d you tell me now?” she asked.

  “I wanted you to know the truth. I want to be upfront and honest with you.”

  “No. I mean why didn’t you tell me this five months ago when we first started dating? You knew I wouldn’t have touched you if I’d known you and Caroline were pregnant. You knew all of it and continued to lie to me. And after everything I went through with Terrell. You knew about how much he hurt me, and you still kept this from me? You let me open myself up, fall in love with you, and you’ve been keeping this from me? You never even bothered to consider I deserved to know the entire truth and then make the decision whether or not I could take a chance on you. Did you? Dammit, Ethan! You should have let me have the choice, whether I wanted to fall for you or not. You should have told me—and not now. You should have spoken before you claimed you loved me. Before you let me fall in love with you.”

  The only thing I considered when we first started dating was not getting in trouble with Tracy. I didn’t keep in mind I’d be hurting Angela, too. I felt horrible. My heart was heavy. Looking at the hurt and pain I caused hurt me to my core.

  “See, this is why I don’t fucking engage in casual sex. Especially not unprotected. You never know what you are going to get. What were you thinking?” Angela demanded, shaking her head as if she were disgusted with me.

  I threw up my hands. “I wasn’t thinking.”

  “You sure weren’t.” Angela stood, angry and judgmental.

  “So, you telling me you’ve never had casual sex with someone? You never made a mistake?” I asked.

  “I don’t like casual sex; so, no, I haven’t.”

  She didn’t decide right away whether or not she would stay with me. She knew I had nowhere else to go, so she said that I could stay there regardless of her decision. Over the next few weeks, we talked more and more about the situation. She asked a lot of questions. How drunk was I? Why didn’t I use a condom? Why didn’t she take the morning after pill? Why was she not on birth control? How many times did I sleep with her? Was Caroline better in bed? Was there something still going on? What were my plans? What were Caroline’s? Was I going to go live with her and Naomi? How often did I plan to go visit them in Kentucky and where would I stay when I did? With no job, how could I afford to support another baby? Was I sure it’s mine?

  I tried to answer each question as honestly as I could. “I was pretty drunk. I didn’t think about using a condom at that time. I only thought about getting revenge. She said that she couldn’t get pregnant. She had tried before with her ex and she never got pregnant so she figured she couldn’t have kids. I don’t even remember the sex, so there’s no comparison to what you and I have. No there is nothing ongoing with us; all we have is a friendship. We have decided to co-parent—nothing more. I plan to take care of my child. I don’t want to live in Kentucky but I do plan to visit my kid once a month or so. Caroline and my mom are aware of my plans and they are okay with them. I am going to get a job and I’ll send all that I can to help pay for this baby too.” I did lie to her about one thing. I told Angela that I had only slept with Caroline once when really, I’d been told it was multiple times in the same night. I didn’t want her to feel more insecure about the situation. There was nothing intimate going on with me and Caroline and I didn’t want her to feel like there was.

  I knew it would take time and a lot of rebuilding to get past this and I was dedicated to proving to Angela I had no romantic interest in Caroline. I only had eyes for Angela. She is who I planned to be with. She was skeptical and wanted to talk to Caroline to see if our stories added up. She wanted to look through my phone and read the text messages between us. I knew that Caroline was not ready to talk to Angela, she was adjusting to huge changes and problems of her own, but I didn’t think there was any harm in Angela seeing our text messages, so I handed her my unlocked phone. I hoped it would reassure her I was telling the truth.

  Angela read.


  Me: I love Angela. She is one of my best friends.

  Caroline: Well remember, Ethan, you promised your mom you wouldn’t open any more doors.

  Me: I have no intentions on being with anyone.

  This hurt Angela. She blew up. “You don’t plan on being with me?”

  “Yes, I plan on being with you. I don’t plan on being with Caroline. That’s what I meant. The text messages don’t explain it all. See, Angela, there is a lot of stuff you don’t know,” I protested.

  “Oh, okay, then. Explain. Why are you lying about me to your family? Or are you lying to me? Why did you tell them you didn’t want to be with anyone? Why are you telling them we are only friends when you know we are so much more than that?”

  Caroline’s pregnancy was high risk. Stress made it worse. I didn’t want to add to her stress by discussing my personal life. I tried to explain to Angela my reasoning, but she was not having it.

  “I don’t understand why you would lie to your baby mama about your lover, unless you were still with her.”

  “I’m not with her. She and I were never together like that.”

  “Well, how do you think being lied about makes me feel? How can I trust you when you are lying about us?”

  “You just don’t understand,” I huffed. “I’m doing this for a reason. They know how I feel about you. Why do you think they are asking?”

  “And by lying, you are reassuring them that you do not feel any kinda way about me and have no intentions on being with me. They asked you because they wanted to know, not because they already knew. What if Caroline is planning to be a family with you? What if she is making decisions based on the lies that you are telling her? What if she is missing out on her opportunity for love and life because you are lying to her about your plans. Look, Ethan. It says here; it says right here.” Angela pointed to a message where Caroline was talking about me moving back to Kentucky:

  Caroline: So, when you moving back home? Your mom has been shopping for a new bedroom set so that she can turn her office into your room.

  Me: I don’t know. I’m just looking for a job right now.

  Caroline: You are moving back, right?

  Me: I know that’s what my mom wants me to do.

  “She is under the impression that you are moving back to Kentucky and that you are going to raise this child with her like a family.”

  “Caroline and I never agreed on that. I think that is what she wants; but, that’s not what I want. I want to stay here in Virginia with you. I love you.” I proclaimed.

  I knew how emotional women could get, especially during pregnancy, so I didn’t want to argue with Caroline, but I didn’t intend to lead her on, either. I didn’t plan on living in the same house as Caroline, but I didn’t disagree when she talked about it merely because I was trying to avoid conflict.

  I explained, “We had tossed around several ideas about how we were going to raise this child together. Me moving to Virginia to find a job and support her financially was one option. Living in Kentucky and finding a job there was another. But we never agreed on anything and I certainly never agreed to live with her and my mom. I guess moving in with them was their solution, but it certainly wasn’t mine. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to stress her about it, so when Caroline or Naomi brought up the subject, I just tried to listen and not start a fight.”

  “Well then, you need to tell her you’re staying here. With me. Stop lying, Ethan, so she can plan her life accordingly.” Angela chastised and stormed out of the room.

  She ran into the bathroom, then closed and locked the door. I heard her weeping on the other side. I was tempted to knock, but it was a lost cause. She didn’t understand my point of view, so I figured I’d just let her be.

  The next night, I tried to better explain myself, but she was still not having it. Instead of swaying her to my point of view, she grew more and more furious with every reason I gave for how I chose to handle the situation. I couldn’t finish a sentence before she’d cut in with a rebuttal. I knew I had a lot of ground to make up and that I’d need to keep my wits about me to deal with the situation. Angela either could not or would not understand my relationship with my mom or Caroline. I loved them, but I did not want them in my business. I would tell them certain things, but not everything. Yes, I promised my mom that I would not open any more doors, but I was already in love with Angela. I didn’t want to disappoint my mom and put more stress on her. I also didn’t want to disappoint Caroline and put more stress on her or the baby. So, I purposely neglected to fully disclose my relationship with Angela. Yes, Angela and I were friends, so that was not a lie. We were in a relationship, but not officially, and I never planned to be in a relationship with her until after my divorce was finalized. So, that was not a lie—not really. I did love Angela and I was in love with Angela—I just chose not to tell Caroline and Naomi. I had been sleeping with Angela—and that wasn’t their business. To keep the peace, a lot of times I’d just nod and say, “Uh huh,” and “Okay,” when they tried to discuss my personal life. It didn’t mean I agreed with them, just that I did not want to argue about it. They knew I had feelings for Angela. They knew I liked her before I even moved in with her. They saw me blushing every time I talked to her or about her, but neither seemed to ever acknowledge it or care about my feelings.

  A few days later, I got a phone call in the middle of the night from Naomi. Caroline was in the hospital and the doctor said the baby would come early. They wanted to know how quickly I could get there, but I had job interviews lined up that week, so I couldn’t go right away. When I asked why Caroline’s labor came on so early, Naomi said nobody knew, and they weren’t sure if the baby was okay or not.

  When my mom handed Caroline the phone, I could hear she was scared. I tried to encourage her to hang in there. When I got off the phone, I prayed. I was afraid, too. All children are a blessing, no matter how they are conceived. This child was my blessing and I prayed that God would not take her away from me. Early the next morning, I received a text that Trinity, my daughter, was born. She was three months premature and was fighting for her life. I postponed my job interviews and went straight to Kentucky.

  Trinity was tiny. She was in an incubator which was draped with a blanket. She was on a ventilator because she could not breathe on her own. She had a tube down her nose because she could not eat on her own, and she had IVs in both her arms and legs. She was beautiful, but I was scared—so, I prayed.

  “Do you think this is happening because of what we did? Are we being punished?” Caroline asked.

  “No, I don’t know why this is happening.”

  I spent most of my time by Trinity’s incubator, reading aloud from the Bible and talking to her.

  It seemed like every time I stepped out of the NICU, I’d receive numerous texts from an unknown number. The texter introduced themselves as a friend of Angela’s who felt bad for me and wanted to help me out. They claimed that Angela was friends with Tracy and they both planned to set me up so that Tracy would be awarded lots of alimony in the divorce. the person claimed Angela had been having sexual relations with “other men”, namely Jonathan, who was not a past lover; he was really Angela’s current husband. Whoever it was claimed that Jonathan, Angela, and Tracy knew each other from high school and planned to ruin my life.

  There were messages mentioning things only me and Angela had discussed. Places we had been. Things we had done together. Even intimate details, like our favorite sexual positions, times, dates, and locations when we had intercourse. The details were eerily accurate. I texted back:

  Me: How did you get this information?

  Unknown: Angela secretly records your conversations and sexual encounters. She plans to use the recordings against you in court.

  “Unknown” went on to say he actually had some of the recordings in his possession and would destroy them, but I would have to return the favor some time.

  It alarmed me, but I deci
ded to play it cool. Caroline was already under a lot of stress and I did not want there to be more. I didn’t want to confront Angela, either. The situation was stressful for her, too, and I didn’t want to create more problems. Besides, I didn’t think the messages were true. Angela seemed to genuinely love me. Then again, how did someone know so many details about our life. Initially, I did not tell Caroline, Angela, or my mom about the text messages, but I did wonder if anyone else was receiving the same kinds of things.

  One calm night after Naomi, Caroline, and I had returned from the NICU, I asked, “Do you guys receive emails and texts from Tracy or anyone else?”

  “We get a lot of stuff from Tracy and boy does that girl got a mouth on her. Here, let me pull them up.” Caroline got her laptop and opened her email account as well as my mom’s. There were several messages each day from Tracy. She used the same email address she used when she emailed about the divorce and the same foul language as the texts I received.

  To Caroline, From Tracy: Bitch, you ain’t got no mother and that’s why you tryna cling to Naomi. Pathetic. And you’s a hoe going back and forth from guy to guy. You talkin bout me sleeping with two brothers but ain’t you just the pot callin the kettle black? But unlike me, ain’t no one tryna claim your ass. At least my man is stickin with me.

  To Naomi, From Tracy: Bitch, you gonna be wearing all black to your son’s funeral. His ass gonna die of AIDS since he keeps getting fucked in the back by these nasty ass dudes. Guns and roses bitch. Till death do us part.

  Attached were several pictures of men having sex with men.

  To Naomi, From Tracy: Can’t wait for that cancer to do you in. I will be dancing on your grave, bitch!

  Attached was a picture of a mutilated dog.