by Amy Watkins
“Get out!” I yelled, “Get out of my fucking house.”
The phone rang again. Ethan snatched it from me and accepted the call. I heard Naomi and Caroline urging him to leave.
I yelled, “Yeah, you fucking bitch. Go ahead and leave! Get out of my fucking house! How dare you lie to me in my fucking face. You liar! You fucking liar! Get out! Pack your shit and go!”
“Hey, you not going to keep calling me a bitch.”
I tilted my head and snapped my fingers with each word. “Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.” I was heated; I didn’t care, “That’s what you are a fucking, nothing but a lying bitch.” I yelled as I slapped his face hard again. “Now, get the fuck out of my house!” I screamed.
He started packing but he wasn’t packing fast enough so I stuffed his belongings into his suitcases. “Get the fuck out of my house!”
“Yeah, okay Angela. See I know some stuff you don’t. You’ll see. You’ll see. There’s more to this than you know.”
“I know you are a liar. You still fucking Caroline.”
“No, nothing like that. It’s some stuff going on. You’ll see.”
“If you not fucking her then give me your phone.”
“No, I’m not going to give you my phone.”
“Then get the fuck out of my house. I don’t want to hear your bullshit.”
“Okay, okay Angela, you want to see my phone, here.”
I took the phone and I looked at the text messages between him and his mother. I knew as soon as I saw it why he didn’t want me to see his phone. Naomi was saying all kinds of fabricated stories about me. She claimed that I was sending people down to try to hurt Trinity. She claimed I was in a relationship with Jonathan. She recurrently requested that he leave me. I was hurt even more.
“What the fuck kind of bullshit is this? You believe this crap?”
“See that’s why I didn’t want to give you my phone,” he said when he took the phone from me.
“I wasn’t finished, give it back.” I wanted to see the messages Caroline was talking about. But Ethan refused. In my mind, that meant Ethan was guilty.
“Just get the fuck out,” I said.
He walked out the front door chanting, “You’ll see, Angela. You’ll see.”
When he left, I cried like a baby. I went onto my Facebook page to delete and block Caroline and Naomi, but they had already done the honors. I curled up with Lana. She knew I was upset so she licked me and snuggled with me until I fell asleep.
I didn’t want to get up in the morning and face the day, but I knew I would only wallow in misery if I stayed home. So, I forced myself to get up and out of bed go to work, just like I did when I was married to Terrell. The pain that Terrell caused I was used to. I expected it. But this? I loved Ethan and I thought that he truly loved me. I thought it was us against the world. I thought that he was my teammate; and then I realized I was fighting this battle by myself. It was the last thing I expected, and it hurt.
Then it hit me—I had given him five thousand dollars to pay for his lawyer. I was so tired of always seeing him hurt and facing this stressful divorce with no support that I decided to damn near clear out my savings. Was he only using me for money? I was pissed, so I texted him:
Me: I want my fucking money back.
Ethan: The money is gone.
So, I called him.
He answered, “Hello.”
“What do you mean the money is gone, I just gave it to you a week ago.”
“I mean it’s gone; I already paid the lawyer.”
“That fast, in a week?”
“Yes,” he replied. and that’s when I realized I had been played. Again, I loved a man who only lusted after me. I gave my all to a man who planned to use me, take from me, and drop out of sight. When would I find someone who would be there for me as much as I had been there for him? God, why? God responded, “Let him have the money, don’t ask him about it again,” but I wasn’t trying to hear that. I was mad.
“I want my fucking money back. Get it back from the lawyer. Ask for a refund.”
“I’m sorry Angela, I can’t,” Ethan responded.
“What is this, all a game? Are you just using me? I don’t think it was a coincidence that all this happened right after I gave you all of my money.”
“Angela, I promise you I am not trying to use you. There’s a lot of stuff going on you just don’t know about. I had a reason for saying all of those things. And, I promise you, you will get your money back. I will pay you back.”
“You denied me to your family. You lied to me in my face. There is no excuse for that. You know what? I don’t care anymore. Keep the money.” Then I hung up.
He called back and I looked at the phone debating whether or not I should answer it. I said out loud, “Be strong Angela, be strong. Don’t answer.” The phone went to voicemail. Then he sent me a text message:
Ethan: Sorry Angela, I got a message from an unknown number saying there were videos and pictures of us. That’s why I said what I said. They said you were going around saying you were pregnant by me and they sent me this picture.
Attached was a picture of me from when I was pregnant with Aaron. A picture easily found on my Facebook page. I did not respond to the message. A few minutes later he called again. I pressed ignore on my phone and then called Ronda right away.
“Hey, you,” she answered.
“Ronda,” I cried, “I need you…”
“I’m on my way.”
I wasn’t expecting Ronda to drive four hours to come comfort me, but I was glad she did. When I answered the door, she gave me a enfolded me in her arms and let me cry.
“Truly, you didn’t have to come all this way for this. We coulda just talked on the phone.”
“Girl, I knew you needed here by your voice. Besides, I needed a break from Cedric and the kids. And it’s your birthday! Yay! Time to celebrate.”
I smiled. God blessed me with a wonderful friend and she always knew how to cheer me up.
“So, what we doing? Hair? Nails? Strip club! Oh, yeah. I think you need some BBD’s all up in your face. That’ll cheer you up.”
I laughed, “Big black dick is the last thing I need in my face. That’s what got me in trouble in the first place.”
“Okay, so tell me what happened? Actually, better idea, I’m starved. Let’s talk over dinner. David!” she yelled upstairs, “You’re on babysitting duty. I’m taking your mom out for her birthday!”
“Okay, Aunt Ronda!” David yelled back downstairs then continued playing video games.
Over dinner, I told her all that had transpired with me and Ethan.
“Damn, that’s fucked up,” was her response.
I looked on as a young happy couple laughed over drinks. “Why can’t I have that? That’s all I want. It’s all I’ve wanted since I was a little kid, and here I am thirty-seven and still no husband. No love.”
Ronda looked back at the happy couple. “Girl, please. You don’t know what that girl had to go through to get that. Matter of fact, you don’t know what she’s going through now. He could be beating on her, cheating on her, on the down low, whatever. You looked like a happy couple whenever you went out with Terrell too and you were miserable. Remember?”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“And remember all the crap I had to go through with Cedric? Man, it took me years to train that man. Remember what a mess we were in the beginning?”
“Yeah. True, true.”
Cedric and Ronda were a happy couple now, but, about a year into their marriage Cedric cheated and the girl he cheated with said she was pregnant with his kid. Ronda was hurt, bad. She wanted to divorce him and moved in with me for a few months. Then she decided to get some payback with Francisco.
Francisco lived in my apartment building at the time and I had a huge crush on him. Before Ronda moved in, Francisco flirted with me when we ran into each other in the hallway, bu
t he never asked me out. Then Ronda came. She laid eyes on Francisco, pushed me out the way and introduced herself. The next thing I knew I came home from work and there was a sock on the door. I was hurt. I told her I was, but she brushed it off and continued the affair. He was just a rebound to her, but I had hoped for more.
She never apologized, but I forgave her anyway. I figured it was just God telling me that Francisco was no good for me and moved on.
Ronda’s rebound didn’t ease the hurt Cedric caused. So, after months of Cedric sending flowers and begging for her to come home, she obliged. She went back to him, stuck with him and even helped with the child. Four years later, child’s mother confessed he was actually not the father. He’s been faithful to Ronda ever since.
“Sis, this situation with Ethan is a lot and I’m tired of seeing you hurt. You can do way better. You need to drop him and maybe be by yourself for a while. You are just getting out of that fucked up situation with Terrell. Maybe you just need to chill…alone.”
I listened but did not find comfort in her words. I didn’t mind being by myself. The times that I was single in my life were very fulfilling, but I wasn’t sure if that was the right answer for me at that point in my life.
I called Erica that night and ran the scenario past her. She had a different view, “Look, I don’t think Ethan is a bad guy. Bad guys are good at lying and Ethan sucks at it. That’s why his ass got caught. He is probably in a messed-up situation and he has no idea how to handle it. So, like most guys, he’s doing stupid shit. Maybe you should just talk to him. Hear him out. Give him a chance to explain.”
I heeded Erica’s advice and answered when Ethan called that night.
“Angela, I love you. Don’t hang up.”
“Ethan, you got my money what more could you possibly want from me?”
“It’s not about the money, Angela. I love you. I wasn’t trying to use you. I wasn’t trying to take your money. I want to be with you. I want to marry you. I want to have babies with you. I want to grow old with you.”
“Oh, really? Because that’s not what you told your family. You lied to me. You lied about me right to my face.”
“I had a reason for doing that. I will set things straight with my family and I will pay you back the money. You will see. I promise.”
“Keep the money. I don’t care about it. I care that I trusted you and got hurt again. I am hurting.”
“I’m so sorry, babe. I never meant to hurt you. I love you.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it.” I said, “But…I forgive you anyway.”
Forgive is not the same thing as forget. Forgive means that you no longer are angry at the person for hurting you. Forgive means that you no longer wish harm on the person who harmed you. Forgive means letting go. But when someone hurts you, you do not have to forget what they did. Remember it, because it prevents you from getting hurt more by that person in the future. You can forgive someone without ever trusting that person again.
Being married to Terrell for five years made me an expert in forgiveness without forgetting what he did. I needed that to survive. And now, unfortunately, I had to continue to practice it with Ethan. Forgive him but remember he is capable of lying, betrayal, abandonment, and using me.
The next day I got another phone call and I was a bit surprised who it was.
“Hey, Angela, this is Caroline.”
“Oh, hello. What’s up?”
“Ethan talked to me and his mom last night. He told us what was up. He told us how he feels about you. He admitted he lied and that he really did want to stay in Virginia. I just wanted to apologize.”
“You know, you guys really hurt me. And on my birthday, too.”
“Well, like I said, I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted. Is Ethan around?” I really didn’t want to talk with Caroline. I accepted her apology, but I was still hurting.
“No, he’s in the NICU with Trinity. He’s bonding with her. I know he’s falling in love with her.”
I knew she was trying to get under my skin, but I actually liked that Ethan was bonding with his child. I wanted us both to have a relationship with Trinity. So, I told her I thought that was great.
“You know, Naomi doesn’t like you,” Caroline pointed out. I thought it was obvious she didn’t like me. I don’t think she would have told me she was going to make sure that I get an abortion if she liked me.
“Yes, I kind of figured that she didn’t like me.”
“Well, I’ll try to talk to her and see if she’ll come around. You and Naomi need to build a relationship since you are going to be her daughter-in-law and all. So, are you going to ask Ethan to come back to Virginia to stay with you?”
I wondered why she asked me that. She and Naomi wanted him there. They made it very clear that he would be living down there, so why was she now trying to get us back together? I refused to let two women who obviously do not like me dictate what happened in my life, so I wasn’t planning to invite Ethan back. I figured he can keep the money and live his life down there and I’d move on and heal.
“I’m not sure if I want Ethan to come back.” I responded.
“Look, Angela,” she offered, “let me tell you what you should do. Ethan don’t like all that drama and you hitting him and stuff. You should talk real sweet to him and ask him to come back up there with you. Then Ethan will come to me and ask me if it’s okay and I’ll tell him that it is. Then he’ll go back up there with you.”
I wondered what kind of games she was playing. Why was she trying to get Ethan to come back to Virginia? And why was she trying to point out that Ethan needed to ask her permission. She wants to act like she is the queen but she wants Ethan to live with me? It did not make any sense, but I went with it. I did want my man back. I loved him and I it hurt that he was gone.
“Oh, hold up,” Caroline said, “here he comes. Now, remember, you catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. That’s what my grandmother always used to tell me. Now, you guys get to talking and making up. Ethan told me he wants to have a baby with you. Time for you guys to get busy. Trinity needs a little brother.”
I noticed the change in her tone. The change from, “Hey look, I’m the boss and nothing is done without my okay,” to “I’m an innocent bystander trying to play peacemaker between you two.”
She handed Ethan the phone. “Hello,” he said.
“Hi, Ethan.”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing,” I still wasn’t sure what to say to him. He said that he lied about me because of a video and some picture, but none of that made sense to me. I thought it was all bullshit, but I loved him. I wanted him to come home and kiss me and hold me. But I was still hurt so…
“Did you want to say something to me?” he asked.
“No. Not really.”
“Oh, okay.” He sounded disappointed.
I knew he’d handed the phone back to Caroline when she whined, “Angela, I thought you were going to do what we said.”
“Girl, I don’t know if I want him back.”
“Girl, just say it and get your man back.”
“Okay, okay.”
Caroline handed the phone to Ethan again. I still wasn’t sure why Caroline was pressing Ethan to come back. I wondered if Ethan was in danger there or if Caroline really didn’t want Ethan around, but I grabbed that ball and ran with it.
“Hello,” Ethan sounded pitiful.
“Hey,” I ground my teeth wrestling in my head about inviting him back. I decided to be a big girl and be sweet to him. It took all I could to say it. “Would you like to come back to Virginia and live with me,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Well, I don’t know. Is it safe?”
“Is it safe? Is it safe!” I thought, “I oughta kick his ass again for asking it. Am I safe from all his bullshit?” Then I realized he asked a good question. Is it safe? I did hit him. I was mad. I’m still mad. Is he safe? I’
ve got a bad temper, but I can control my temper…I think. I will control my temper.
I needed to answer him. So, through clenched teeth I damn near growled, “Yes, it’s safe.”
“Okay. Then yes, I do want to come back to Virginia.”
“Okay, then.”
“Okay.”
I felt and worried.
A couple of hours later Naomi called.
“Angela!”
“Yes, ma’am”
“Ethan told me that you guys were planning to have a baby together.”
“Well, we haven’t really been planning. It was just something he…”
“Well, alright. I think that’s good. Ethan’s going to come back up there with you and you guys are going to be blessed.”
“Huh, what? Well, okay.”
“Well, okay then. Bye.”
“Wait, Ms. Conner. Why the change in heart?” I asked.
“Well, Ethan talked to us last night and told us everything. And it’s okay.”
“Well, okay. Thank you. Bye.”
I was happy but confused. Why the change? And why so quickly. I wasn’t planning on having a child with Ethan, but I wondered if that’s why they thought I needed to be included in the family. Why were they being so nice when they were so horrible just the day before? Then it dawned on me, maybe they found out I was a doctor. Money hungry people tend to change their tune when they find out you’ve got money.
In all honesty, though, I really didn’t have a lot of money. I just got a divorce from a man who divorce took all my money before the ink was dry. I was a single mom getting no child support. I just moved and lost money on the sale of my old home. And I had just given Ethan most of my savings. I was broke. It was not my harvest season. That was my rebuilding season.
I called Ethan.
“Ethan, what happened?”