by Amy Watkins
I prayed that Judge Wilcox would have mercy on Christmas. That he would remember the man he harshly imprisoned, realize that Ethan truly did not have money, and let him out. I prayed that he would be riddled with guilt over sending an innocent man to jail, but the judge was unmoved. He denied every appeal.
I talked to Ethan Christmas night and expressed how hurt I was that he was not able to participate in the festivities. He reminded me that kids made Christmas fun and exciting but Jesus made it joyful. He didn’t have money, freedom, or his children but he still had Jesus. The bars, the cold concrete walls, some of the guards, and some of the inmates tried to blot out that joy; but it was still very much in him. He was growing in faith while incarcerated.
Christmas should be a reminder of God’s greatest gift to mankind—a Savior. We should all be as happy as a kid on Christmas morning because God has blessed us with Jesus Christ. Without Jesus, we would all be dead.
But a believer’s journey could be hard. You are forced to face your faults. I could tell during Ethan’s journey that he was struggling with guilt, shame, and feelings of unworthiness.
When he first went to jail, he asked things like why he was there and what did he do to deserve that. Most of all, he wondered how someone he once loved could do something so horrible to him.
But on his journey his statements started to change. He admitted that he might just deserve to be in jail. He also said he needed to reflect on his actions to figure out how he got into such a mess in the first place. He apologized for hurting me and said he’d understand if I wanted to break it off.
Letter 27:
Dear Ethan,
I wasn’t always saved. I didn’t grow up in the church. It wasn’t until I struggled in my marriage that I sought refuge and found it in the church. When I was a babe in the faith, I didn’t understand the concept of Jesus saves. It was cute to say but I didn’t get it. As I have matured and made more mistakes, I get it more and more.
I know you are going through a lot right now. Some are external battles, and some are internal. I have struggled in my life and in my journey getting closer to God. I still struggle, as you know. We all struggle.
God is perfect. He has perfect standards and perfect laws. He designed each and every law for a purpose. The purpose is so that we don’t hurt ourselves or each other. God loves us so much that He detests when we are hurt. He hates what hurts us. Therefore, He hates sin. However, we are not perfect and all of us make mistakes (Romans 2:23). Our mistakes may be deliberate, selfish, unbelieving, unknowing, or done out of fear; but, in some way, we all fall short of God’s perfect standards. That is sin.
In science we are taught every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This concept came long before Isaac Newton. “Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.” Exodus 21:24. Every crime has a consequence. The consequence should be an equal and opposite punishment. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23).
We are blessed. We should all be dead but we are not. We are both suffering for our sins but it’s not as much as we should be. God has mercy and forgives us repeatedly. God knows we are not perfect. That’s why he sent Jesus (John 3:16).
Imagine this. There is a river separating two lands. On one land there is God. On the other land there is us. Every time we sin, we pour more water into that river. The river grows wider and more turbulent, distancing us further from God. Jesus is the bridge so that, despite our sin, we still have access. All we need to do is confess and repent (Acts 3:19).
Do not be distressed because you are in jail. There is a reason for all of your trials. It may be God correcting you. It may be because you need time to sit and reflect and figure things out. It may be a test of faith or it may be training you to endure. You remember going through boot camp? They were hard on you. But its purpose was to train you to be a soldier. To be able to endure in future wars.
This life is a boot camp. We suffer as a training to be soldiers in God’s army.
James 1:2-4, Romans 5:3-5, 1 Peter 4:12-13, and James 1:12.
Stay strong.
Love you always,
Angela
As Christmas came and went, our hope for a miracle withered away. We both figured that he would be in jail for a long time. He was told that he would have another court date coming up in June.
Jail was a horrible, inhumane place, but there’s always a blessing in the storm. Ethan had time and a Bible—a perfect combination for growth.
Ethan sent letter twenty-seven back accompanied by letter twenty-eight. In it, he said that the scriptures I sent were inspiring but he still felt shame. He apologized again for hurting me and asked if I could do him a few favors. First, he was worried about his car and wanted to move it to a safe place. His car had his cell phone and several documents that didn’t need to fall into the wrong hands, and he worried that Tracy would break into it as she knew where his car was or that it may be towed or. Second, he asked if I could go into his email, download all the evidence of Tracy’s harassment, and bring it to the courthouse in the hopes it would help with his appeal. He gave me the passwords to his account and I immediately got on the internet and tried to log on, but the password didn’t work.
Third, he had some bills that needed to be paid. He had given Naomi access to his bank accounts where his retirement and disability checks were direct deposited. After garnishment, he usually had about eleven-hundred dollars left. Naomi and Caroline were supposed to use a third of his check to help with Trinity’s expenses. Another third was supposed to be used for his legal fees and bail. And the final third was to be put towards his bills and debt—he had a storage unit, car note, and cell phone bill that all needed to be paid and wanted me to use his bank card to take asked if I could please go to the jail and get his personal belongings.
I took off work one day and drove up to the jail. I visited with him for an hour and we had a good talk. We smiled, flirted, and said how much we loved and missed each other. Then, I collected his personal items and drove from the jail to the courthouse where I retrieved all his personal items and put them in my own. Then I took his car to an overnight parking lot near the jail and took a Lyft back to the courthouse. Then I got into my car and drove home.
I tried to use his bank card to pay his bills, but it was declined. I just used my own card to pay for his storage unit and car note. He didn’t need a cell phone while he was incarcerated, so I let that bill go. When he called that night, I informed him that I was unable to get into his email account or use his cards. Caroline had access to his email, maybe she changed the password. And Naomi had access to his bank account, maybe she cancelled his bank card.
Ethan confronted Naomi and Caroline but they both denied it. Caroline said she could no longer access his email account and figured Tracy had gotten into it and changed the password.
Naomi didn’t know why his card had been declined. She still had access to his bank accounts, could see that he had money in there, and agreed to use that money to contribute to his bail and bills.
“Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead…” (James 2:17 KJV). I sent more letters to more people in an attempt to get Ethan freed. I wrote to more lawyers, newspapers, congressman, independent columnists, the NAACP and other human rights organizations, but no one was willing to help.
A few weeks after Christmas, Caroline called with more Tracy news.
“I know you don’t want to hear it anymore but when Tracy sent me this, I had to tell you. Adults are grown we can handle it. But she up here threatening kids, now,” Caroline sounded heated when she spoke.
“What happened?”
“She put a hit out on yo’ kids.”
“What?”
“Yep. I don’t know how she got my Yahoo email address ’cause I never use it, but she started emailing me thinking I was you. I’ve been talking with her back and forth all night, wasn’t I Naomi?”
“Yep,” Naomi agreed in the background.
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“She thought I was you. I promise I never said I was you, she just assumed it was you. She is fucking crazy. She thinks you had a baby with Ethan. She thinks Trinity is your child. Anyway, we went back and forth about Ethan and I asked her straight up why she had Ethan locked up. She can’t get no money with him sitting in jail. She tried to tell me that I, well she thought it was you, need to pay his bail and that’s how she gonna get her money. I called her a trifling bitch. Then she said that she was going to have you and your kids hurt. I’ll send you the email.”
Caroline forwarded me the email conversation. There was a lot of back and forth and name calling and threatening in the conversation but at the end Tracy wrote:
Bitch, I’ll have you and all your kids killed. How’s little Ms. Abigail doing? Be careful. Guys will be ready to snatch her up from school and rape that little pink pussy of hers if Ethan hasn’t done it already. Be careful Bitch. I watch you sleep and soon your mama will be wearing a black dress.
I didn’t say anything as I read the message.
“Did you read it?” Caroline asked.
“Yes.”
“So, what you gonna do? She threatening your kids. If I was you, I wouldn’t take that shit. What kinda evil twisted-minded bitch would say such horrible stuff about kids. Those are kids. They innocent. Plus, I think she got your house bugged and Ethan’s email hacked. She be telling me all kinds of stuff ‘bout you. How you got in an argument with Ethan about Jonathan. How you been trying to pressure Ethan to have sex with you. She talks about Aaron being sick and having asthma and you so busy worried about Ethan you neglect your own kids. She calls you pathetic.”
“I’ll call you back.” I hung up the phone with Caroline and called Ronda.
“We gotta problem we gotta handle. Get Gina’s crew ready.”
Ronda knew what that meant. We needed to round up the posse and have somebody killed.
“Serious, sis?” she asked.
“Yeah, someone needs to die. I just don’t know who. I don’t know if it is Tracy or Caroline. Caroline told me that Tracy is trying to have my daughter kidnapped and raped, but Caroline also said that Tracy thinks that I had a baby with Ethan. If Tracy is the one who had Ethan’s phone hacked, as many conversations that Ethan and I had about Trinity and Caroline, wouldn’t she know that Caroline had Ethan’s baby and not me?”
“Sis, this ain’t good. You just need to get out of the situation.”
“Mmm mm, nah,” I was still on fire. I didn’t want to hear that.
“I got someone who may be able to trace the emails and see who they’re really coming from. Maybe we should do that first,” she advised, knowing I had no intention of backing down.
I agreed and forwarded Ronda the emails.
Then my phone rang. It was the detective.
“Ms. Wallace, I was able to get in touch with Tracy. She informed me you have been sending her harassing messages. You need to leave her alone.”
“Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe that Tracy would have the audacity to lie to the police about me, or maybe she really did think it was me in the exchange of emails she had with Caroline. “I have sent her nothing. You can trace back any of her messages and see that none of them came from me.”
“And you can leave them alone. I’m dropping the case.”
“What!” I was shocked. Tracy, or someone, had put a hit out on me and he was dropping the case? I cried and begged for him to save my life and investigate the emails but he adamantly refused. “Look, I don’t have anything else to say to you. The matter is closed, so you need to move on with your life and leave Tracy and her marriage alone.”
I was devastated. How could he be so cold, so judgmental? Conservative folk always think that marriage should be preserved—and it should—but not when being in the marriage is dangerous. Not when the spouse is abusive and unfaithful. Tracy was dangerous, abusive, and unfaithful. She’d go to any lengths to get money without working for it. She didn’t care that an innocent man was in jail. She didn’t care whether he lived or died. She didn’t care who she destroyed. But here I was being judged, like my life—like my kids’ lives—didn’t matter. Those who were supposed to protect me were not.
“Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?” (Isaiah 2:22, NIV).
I still had God. He was my protector. So, I called the one person God appointed in my life to be of help—Mr. Sealy—and let him know about the threats and how the detective had closed the case.
He was in complete disagreement with the detective. “A threat is a threat. They should look into it whether it’s over the internet or not. And it doesn’t matter who sleeping with whom, it’s still against the law to threaten someone’s life and someone’s child. I will handle this. I’m friends with the DA and we gonna have a little chit chat,” Mr. Sealy assured me, much to my relief.
A few weeks went by and the emails were unable to be traced by Ronda’s acquaintances. It was cool, though. Those few weeks gave me time to chill out. Murder is not right. If God wanted Caroline or Tracy to die, He’d kill them himself. He didn’t need me doing that.
I reflected on the Bible story of David and Saul. Saul was king and David was chosen to replace him, something Saul didn’t want to happen. So, Saul tried to kill David. Now, David had many opportunities to kill Saul; but he didn’t. David had faith things would work out, so he decided not to take matters into his own hands.
There were some powerful queens in my life wishing me and my family harm. They knew I was chosen to be next and didn’t want to lose their power over Ethan. I had an opportunity to have them killed but that was not in God’s will. That is not what God would have wanted for me or for them. God wanted me to have faith and patience.
Psalm 46:10 KJV, “Be still and know that I am God…”
Proverbs 20:22 KJV, “Say not thou, I will recompense evil; but wait on the Lord, and he shall save thee.”
I prayed, “Lord, I don’t have to be Ethan’s queen. If it is not in Your will, tell me to leave and I will. What do you want me to do? Should I stop supporting Ethan? Should I just walk away?”
God’s reply was, “What does My Word say?”
I picked up the Bible, opened it randomly, and read the first scripture on the page. Matthew 25:35-37 ESV, “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.”
I wasn’t sure if Ethan and I were destined to be together, but I knew I couldn’t walk away from him and not feel guilty or like I was going against God’s will and abandoning someone who needed me. Helping Ethan was a strong calling in my spirit. Sometimes God asks us to perform tasks that seem illogical, but God’s wisdom is greater than us all.
“Then Lord, please protect me and my babies,” I prayed. Psalms 23:4 KJV, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
My court date with Tracy came. Mr. Sealey and I were there but Tracy did not show up. They were unable to serve her the subpoena because the only address she had listed was a post office box. We got my temporary protective order extended another few months. After court, Mr. Sealy let me know that he had talked to the DA who said she would investigate my case. He tried to call several times since, but she would not return the phone call. It seemed to be a dead end, but he promised to continue trying.
Caroline called me later that day. “How’d court go?”
“It didn’t, Tracy was a no-show,” I tried not to tell Caroline too much because I feared she was untrustworthy. I kept it cordial and disclosed only what I thought insignificant.
“How are you? How is Trinity?” I asked. I always asked about Trinity. I wanted Caroline to know that I cared and that, if given the chance, I’d treat her like my own.
“We had to take her back to the hospital this morning. She stopped breathing in her sleep. They are planning to keep her overnight. They want to get a machine for her to wear at night, but we can’t afford it. Do you think you can pay for it?”
I knew she was trying to use me and get me to front the entire bill for Ethan so that he could get out and go to Kentucky to support her, leaving me in the dust. And she was trying to use me to get stuff for Trinity. I prayed, “Lord, I know she is only trying to use me. Does she really need the money? Is Trinity really sick? What do You want me to do?”
“Give her the money,” I felt in my spirit.
“Okay,” I responded to Caroline, “How much do you need?”
“Just four hundred dollars.”
“Okay,” I replied and sent her the money when I got off the phone. A bit later I received a text:
Caroline: Thank you! You’re a wonderful stepmother.
Then she sent me some pictures of Trinity. It felt good to have Caroline address me as Trinity’s stepmother. It gave me hope that one day all would be well. I really enjoyed getting pictures of my future stepdaughter. It was awesome to see how big she was getting. Premature babies grow so fast. I could also send those pictures to Ethan. I knew seeing pictures of her lifted his spirits.
Even though I wasn’t sure if I could trust her, Caroline and I talked on the phone often. She’d update me on Trinity’s and Naomi’s health— both were starting to do well. Trinity had no more problems since starting the CPAP at home and Naomi’s cancer was in remission. We mostly talked about how to raise money to get Ethan out of jail. She was even supportive of me and Ethan’s relationship. She’d often state that she felt like we were meant to be, and she wished that Trinity was my daughter with Ethan instead of hers.